Need I/T Help or advice on how to help my dad

[mcsangel2]

You know, my first thought was it sounded like early onset dementia (people are breaking in when he's not there, and rearranging things, pretty textbook. Imagining the garage door going up and down - DH's grandmother had similar delusions early on when she was otherwise still functioning normally). I'm inclined to think that's what it is, and it's exacerbated by his conspiracy theory paranoia. Do you know who your dad's doctor is? Any way to find that out? They won't be able to divulge his medical information (unless he's named you as ok to receive it), but you can share with them, as well as what the financial planner said. I would be concerned that soon he would stop taking any medication prescribed him. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

[rhian]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have any good advice, but I don't think this is something that really has an IT solution, and he needs to see a doctor. Not to scare you, but paranoia was one way a close family friend's dementia presented (in his case, he thought there was a woman in the house who was moving things around and watching them, I think?)

I know you said he's resistant to a doctor. Might he do it if you framed it as a favor to you? E.g. "I know you don't think you need to go, and you're probably right. But it's really stressing me out, so to help me out, could we go together? I would feel better if I could hear the doctor say you're fine."

[mcsangel2]

Sept 29, 2023 10:16:33 GMT -5 rhian said:

I know you said he's resistant to a doctor. Might he do it if you framed it as a favor to you? E.g. "I know you don't think you need to go, and you're probably right. But it's really stressing me out, so to help me out, could we go together? I would feel better if I could hear the doctor say you're fine."

This is a great idea.

[mountaingirl]

From an IT standpoint I don’t know what to tell you. This sounds like a mental health issue more than anything to me. I agree with the previous poster that you should go to the dr with him.
Good luck and I hope you are able to get some answers to help him.

[janegold]

I'm having a hard time envisioning what fake IT solution would make him feel more comfortable. Even if you could come up with some sort of tinfoil hat for him and/or the house systems, it seems likely he would convince himself that they had been compromised too.

I'm sorry. This must be a difficult thing to go through.

[janegold]

To more directly answer your question, is he willing to go low-tech? Like a non-smart phone, non-internet based security system, etc.? Maybe that would help alleviate some of his anxieties.

[ellipses84]

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I think this goes beyond conspiracy theorist and could be dementia or delusions due to another mental health issue.

See if he’ll go to his PCP for a regular checkup, see if you can go with him, and if he’ll sign that they can speak to you about his medical issues. If he’s lost his filter, he’ll probably talk to his Dr about it. Maybe you could convince him it’s in his best interest to give POA to you. I’d present this all something that will be helpful in the future in case he gets incapacitated, before confronting him about any dementia concerns. There was another poster who dealt with similar with her mother so you could say something like my friend had to deal with x,y,z and I just want to make sure we have a plan in place. Be supportive of the tech stuff but I suspect you could literally give him fake advice or equipment and he’d believe it. He may be opening the garage door himself and forgetting about it. If you want to rule out any real tech issues maybe get Geek Squad or someone you know in IT to talk to him or visit his house and they can tell you if any of his concerns are legit. Is there any possibility he’s being contacted / scammed by anyone on the internet?

Contact elder social services in his area and ask for some resources and advice.

[icedcoffee]

Sept 29, 2023 10:14:55 GMT -5 mcsangel2 said:

You know, my first thought was it sounded like early onset dementia (people are breaking in when he's not there, and rearranging things, pretty textbook. Imagining the garage door going up and down - DH's grandmother had similar delusions early on when she was otherwise still functioning normally). I'm inclined to think that's what it is, and it's exacerbated by his conspiracy theory paranoia. Do you know who your dad's doctor is? Any way to find that out? They won't be able to divulge his medical information (unless he's named you as ok to receive it), but you can share with them, as well as what the financial planner said. I would be concerned that soon he would stop taking any medication prescribed him. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

This!  You thread really reminded me of Preppy's thread with her mom.    I'm sorry.  This sounds really difficult.  <3

[ellipses84]

Sept 29, 2023 10:45:07 GMT -5 janegold said:

To more directly answer your question, is he willing to go low-tech? Like a non-smart phone, non-internet based security system, etc.? Maybe that would help alleviate some of his anxieties.

This would probably be the best option. Like he gives POA to you and let’s you deal with financial stuff. Then you have less worries about him getting scammed or spending his money on things he doesn’t need for security. Another option is to put some sort of parent controls on his wifi and block some of the sites that feed his paranoia and monitor his usage. There are router extenders that do this that you could pass as a security measure, controlled by an app on your phone, or services like Bark they monitor cell phone activity.

From a true IT Security standpoint, the Gov’t used a SCIF room to access top secret materials but I think a physical solution will just exacerbate his paranoia.

[wanderingback]

Sept 29, 2023 10:51:36 GMT -5 yourmother said:

Sept 29, 2023 10:45:07 GMT -5 janegold said:

To more directly answer your question, is he willing to go low-tech? Like a non-smart phone, non-internet based security system, etc.? Maybe that would help alleviate some of his anxieties.

Honestly, I’m not sure. He just added the Wi-Fi to enable the security system. Plus to appease my kid (iPad apps need Wi-Fi). He was using hardwired internet up until a month or two ago.

He’s always been weird bout his “privacy’. He refuses to download apps on his phone, won’t do online banking (this has been his deal forever).  He’s just a paranoid person. Won’t allow my son’s Tik Talk watch when he’s around because he thinks I’ll be calling up and listening. 

We’ve all just gone along with his quirkiness for decades because there’s no real sense in trying to talking to him about these things. He’s always been irrational and we’ve given up. He is who he is. 

Yes this sounds like he has a mental illness.
If things are worsening then I agree trying to get him to his doctor is a good idea. There are also geriatric psychiatrists. Even if he doesn’t take medication, understanding what’s going on will be helpful. Best of luck to you all.

[litskispeciality]

My early dementia senses are tingling, and praying I'm wrong. I agree with others to at the very least see if you can speak with someone at his PCP's office to express your concerns, knowing full well they can't respond to you (right now) unless he signs a waiver. It's a good idea to try to go in to the apt if you can, pending your schedule and your dad allowing it. We lost a lot of time with my dad because he'd say he was "fine" when he wasn't, and he presented pretty "normal" or he didn't tell us they told him somethings wrong. Either way it's been really hard scheduling, but really helpful to have someone else go in to his apts, although it's taken a while for him to agree/not know any different.


ETA: To Wandering's point, we're working with a Geriatric Psychiatrist agency right now. It's been a long and hard process as they have to get referrals from PCP or Neurology (or both in my dad's case), then take almost 2 months to book an apt another couple of months out. At the very least they're doing testing to try to determine what part of the brain is effected, ordering scans, and trying to narrow down a diagnosis. I add this in case your dad needs it that it takes so long (in my dad's area) to get started you want to be in line so to speak before you really need the service.

Big hugs because whatever's going on is really hard.

[VillainV]

I don’t have much to add that others haven’t covered except that garage door openers work on frequencies, and it’s possible to share a frequency with a neighbor and not know it until they accidentally open your garage door. This happened to us a few years ago. It was pretty easy to change the frequencies so this didn’t happen. Might be worth doing just in case his garage door really is going up and down because of a shared frequency!

[TR]

I wouldn’t call some poor Geek Squad employee out to deal with what is likely a mental health issue.

[followyourarrow]

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I'm going to agree with the others that this sounds like early signs of dementia. My grandma was similarly paranoid about things and buried things in glass jars in her garden when she was in the early stages. I doubt we ever found everything. My first call would be to his dr to tell them what your seeing then go to an appointment with him if at all possible.

[macmars45]

When my grandma's dementia set in one of her first symptoms was thinking people were stealing or moving her stuff. My grandma hates the dr too.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's so hard. (hugs)

[eb777888]

I don't have advice because I don't know much about tech, I just want to say I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this. Patrick might have some ideas, I can ask him when he has a sec. (((hugs))))

[devonpow]

Slightly off topic, but is your DS going to his house on his own on the weekends? I ask because I grew up with a paranoid parent (my mom is an alcoholic with borderline personality disorder). She always thought boyfriends etc were sneaking in and moving stuff just a bit to mess with her, was convinced mail was stolen, I can gave a million examples.

It was very stressful as a kid to be around that kind of paranoid thinking. I’m not saying it’s a safety issue but a potentially emotionally stressful one. I have no idea of the relationship they have or anything and feel free to tell me to butt out. But just wanted to throw my perspective in because I have very visceral memories of growing up like that

[rosiebear]

I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. His paranoia closely tracks the theories held by my former client that she was being “gang stalked”. The delusion of being “gang stalked” and being a “targeted individual” is unfortunately quite widespread and to make matters worse, folks who share this delusion find support and an echo chamber on the internet.

You might search for these terms to see if they resemble what your dad is saying and, if you can persuade him to seek psychiatric help, try to find a provider who is versed in this phenomenon. I wish you all the best.

[dexteroni]

I'm sorry this is happening. It would be worrisome and hard to watch, even with his past as a conspiracy theorist. I agree that this situation calls for a doctor, not technology. There are ways to lock down your wifi, but hearing aids and car doors are beyond anything you can pretend to help via technology.

Since you see the same PCP, I would call their office and talk to someone about your concerns. Maybe they can find a reason to recommend that he come in.

[kath16]

Sept 29, 2023 13:38:49 GMT -5 devonpow said:

Slightly off topic, but is your DS going to his house on his own on the weekends? I ask because I grew up with a paranoid parent (my mom is an alcoholic with borderline personality disorder). She always thought boyfriends etc were sneaking in and moving stuff just a bit to mess with her, was convinced mail was stolen, I can gave a million examples.

It was very stressful as a kid to be around that kind of paranoid thinking. I’m not saying it’s a safety issue but a potentially emotionally stressful one. I have no idea of the relationship they have or anything and feel free to tell me to butt out. But just wanted to throw my perspective in because I have very visceral memories of growing up like that

I was going to gently say something similar

[TR]

I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this. I can’t imagine how difficult it is.

[litskispeciality]

As I always say I assume threads of this nature are a blanket PDQ, so I'm not going to tag or quote anyone.

I had a whole thing typed out about the parental paranoia, but I'll just add that yes if children are around your dad that you may want to limit the time together. I have issues as an adult that I've uncovered in counseling and Al-Anon due to parental paranoia similar to those mentioned here. I don't know if BDP was ever on the table, but would make sense. I know it's good to spend time with your grandparents, but OP give yourself permission to limit visits or supervise them if you feel it's better for your children. They probably see things and don't want, or don't know to say anything. I may be way off base too, and if so ignore me.

The interwebz is a really dangerous place for Trumpers, conspiracy theorist and many others, especially now that critical thinking skills and checking if a site is credible are pretty much non-existent. It doesn't excuse behavior, but it sure as s- is going to fuel that fire because they think "wELl itS oN Da InTerNEt sO iTs GutTa bE TruE"

OP also be gentle with yourself. In my case it's been really hard accepting that something was wrong with my dad as he's relatively young, higher intelligence which is easier to hide mental decline, and just general life circumstances to explain away behaviors. It's so much harder when doctors don't take your (the adult child's) concerns seriously about what's not normal behavior. My mind would say let me check the tech first before assuming there's a major mental health problem.

My garage door has issues opening on it's own sometimes too. I truly didn't know it could be related to a frequency thing, and we've had issues but are too cheap to get it fixed.

[janegold]

Aww yourmother. How sweet that they have such a special relationship.

[meanie]

I'm sorry, it must be heartbreaking to see your dad go through what he believes is a very real crisis.

This reminds me of my uncle who suffered from schizophrenia, not saying that is what is going on here as symptoms usually present much earlier (like early 20's), but the paranoia is similar.

I don't think there is a tech solution per-se, but maybe working with him to create an escalation plan when he is in crisis - who he can call, safe ways to de-escalate his fears, etc. Invalidating or arguing about his fears won't work because to him there is a very real threat.

Ultimately he needs to seek mental health support as paranoia is a symptom of a few different issues.

[lostrn]

Well tech wise, with the right router you can set it up so that only trusted MAC addresses can log in to the WiFi or Ethernet. That's what my DH has done here. Whenever we get a new phone, new device, etc he has to go into the router and assign that device an IP. Or something like that, I'm not a tech person so my terminology might be slightly off! It's actually been highly irritating at times for me, but if your dad has concerns about people "hacking in" that might make him feel better. I think he probably has deeper issues of course, and going to that appointment with him Monday is a perfect next step, but maybe that's a small thing you or he can do to make him feel more internet secure.

[mich1]

Get your dad to a doctor ASAP.

When I was living in an apartment, the neighbor under me started acting strange. I had always helped her. If it snowed out, I cleared her car off and started it for her (she was still working) schlepped her garbage to the dumpster, picked up groceries, etc. She was older, but not that old (maybe mid 60s?). We’d go out for dinner, or a show on occasion. She also had another friend, but she told me that her friend didn’t like me (just knew her by sight, had never had any interactions for her not to like me). I really didn’t think much of it though.

She started doing stranger and stranger things over time. Little things, but thinking back it all falls into place. She had a fall and EMS was called. I was worried about her and offered to call her daughter, who lived about 30 miles away. I also ran into her friend, we started chatting and she didn’t dislike me, just like she thought I disliked her. It turned out that our friend was playing these mind games. Friend gets out of the hospital, and she has a condition where she’s not getting enough oxygen to the brain. She’s put on supplemental oxygen, and all is good. Then she decided she didn’t need it, and when she stopped using it paranoia set in big time. She thought I was going to kill her. She got her locks changed several times because someone had gotten a key and had gotten into her place. It really was striking, and you could see it happen when she decided she was ‘cured’ and went off her O2.

Long story short…..make sure that there’s nothing physically wrong with your dad. From what you are writing, I can think of a comparable action she did. I’m not sure what caused the lack of oxygen to the brain, but it did cause some major paranoia like what you are talking about. I’m really sorry….it’s heartbreaking to watch. Using O2 was like a switch, she was normal on it, and a crazy, paranoid lunatic without.

My story ended that I wound up being hospitalized with sepsis. I lost both my hips, and my bf wound up bringing me to his place to deal with it. Maybe about 6 months after my second surgery, I got a call from her wanting to know if I could run some errands for her. Not only was I 1500 miles away, I was in a wheelchair and was going no where. I hadn’t bothered to bring her daughter’s or other friend’s number with me. I told her I couldn’t help her. When I went back to my place a year later, I found out she had died, and another woman in the building had been doing what I had been doing before I got sick. From what she said, things got even worse after I left. All due to lack of oxygen.

[preppy]

I am really sorry to even say this but this sounds extremely similar to how my mom's dementia first presented. It was very scary and no one had any idea wtf was going on. If you don't already I would make sure you have power of attorney and would try and get into a neurologist for at least a baseline evaluation so there is something to compare it to if things progress. I really hope I am wrong but I want to make sure if that is what is happening that you are aware. Feel free to DM if you have questions on specifics or need anything, I think my old posts are prob up too from when this was happening. I am so sorry

[minzy]

I agree it sounds like a mental health situation but another thought, how long has the really bizarre stuff been going on? If this is a shorter period of time, is it possible he has a UTI in conjunction with the prostate stuff? Sometimes those can make people act very strangely.

I had a family member have a paranoid type episode (thinking red cars coming towards her were following her) which correlated to milestone birthdays for her and her mother and I think the stress of realizing impending mortality? I’m not sure what the diagnosis was or which if any meds were used for treatment. She did return back to a baseline and also saw a therapist for a long time.

[stemmie]

yourmother,

I am so sorry. This must be terribly hard for you.

Even before I read the other posts my mind went to some form of dementia. When my dad developed dementia, it wasn't the memory loss that first struck me as a red flag. Dad came to dementia with a lot of cognitive reserve which is to say he was a quite bright and educated and was able to conceal that part for a time. What he couldn't hide was the losses in his social filter (like if he thought crazy-ass shit before, he kept it to himself), his executive function and reasoning skills or his increased anxiety and paranoia. Dad was showing signs of paranoia as early as 2005 and I didn't see real memory lapses until 3 years later although he would have had the ability to mask them for a time.

I also noticed with my dad and 2 of my friend's moms that there was a tendency for them to morph into a more conservative/MAGA-crazy mindset. Dad was eventually diagnosed because he had a psychotic episode during which he was convinced that his attending neurologist was the "leader of the free world and that his minions (the residents) sang his praises in the halls at night". My friend's mom believed Bill Gates put chips in the COVID vaccine. Thirty years ago this woman took early retirement and worked with the Peace Corps to vaccinate people in India for 2 years because she was passionate about science and public health.

You mention having a son on spectrum and believing your dad to be as well. There is some thought about growth differences in the autistic brain-- studies show that in babies there is a period of growth that is more rapid than in typically developing babies. Conversely, there is at least one study done that shows that the brain shrinks in adults with autism at a faster rate which is being looked at to see if it is impacting cognition or is a risk factor for dementia as Down Syndrome is.

Since you know his doctor, it might make sense to discretely slip the doc a list of your concerns. Perhaps the doc could do a quick assessment in that direction although in early days your dad would likely do well it would still be a baseline. When I went to the doctor wit dad, I always sat behind dad in the doc's sightline so I could communicate non-vernally while dad answered questions. Alerted that da might not be an accurate reporter, the doctor will look for this.

[Leeham Rimes]

Is it possible your father has liver problems? So I’m sure you know the history of my father but as his liver was going, the ammonia grew in his brain (bc the liver couldn’t filter it) and his symptoms were incredibly similar to your dads. (Not saying your dad has issues like mine did, but there are lots of reasons a liver could be failing).