When being open bites you in the ass

[underwaterrhymes]

vamoose - that came up recently in our house too and we just said it’s when two people give each other oral sex at the same time. (They already know what oral sex is too, so if yours doesn’t, you’d have to cross that bridge first.)

I’d rather they learn from us than get wrong ideas from other kids or (god help us when this crops up) porn.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I am currently watching Grey's Anatomy with my 12 year old daughter from the beginning of the series. It's bringing up all kinds of fun questions and discussions. Not my best parenting idea. But she really wanted to watch it and I figured it was better than letting her watch it alone and then not talking about it.

[twinmomma]

My open-ness led to my 10 year old daughters connecting the dots and then coming right out and asking if I have sex with their stepdad. I said yes. They are probably scarred for life. And then it led to conversations about birth control, because they wanted to know why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. So I guess it was a good lead in to that, even if we were all a little traumatized.

My poor husband was not ready for that level of life with pre-teen girls. Now since they know it makes him horribly uncomfortable they just casually bring up sex ed discussions at the dinner table just to watch him squirm. While it's kind of funny, I had to shut that down with the "there's an appropriate time and place" lecture.

I just try to remind myself that I'm trying to break the cycle of shame and create the open dialogue I never had as a kid. And then I go vent to DH about how mortifying it is later.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Nov 16, 2023 22:56:58 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

Kind of an s/o but are there things you just refuse to answer - I guess I’m thinking the more personal questions. I think we are cultivating an environment of open dialogue and I can handle the blow job/sex etc questions as objective questions but if my child asks if I masturbate….

Please tell me it’s okay to tell them that I don’t want to share private intimate details with them.

We talk a lot about the difference between being open and being respectful of personal boundaries and privacy.  I have told them that when they start being sexually active, they can tell me in a matter of fact way and I can help procure them birth control options, but I don't want to KNOW when/where they are doing it.  We won't be the house that allows girlfriends/boyfriends to sleep over before they are out of high school.  (We also talk about the fact that if they aren't willing to talk about birth control/safe sex options, if not with us, at least with their partner and a doctor, then they probably aren't ready to have sex yet).  So in that case I would talk about masturbation being a normal part of life but that my personal habits are personal and private.  

[Jalapeñomel]

Nov 16, 2023 20:03:19 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Can I just tell you that I had the same conversation with my son - except he was 9.

Me too! 

[sproctopus]

Nov 17, 2023 8:19:55 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Nov 16, 2023 20:03:19 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Can I just tell you that I had the same conversation with my son - except he was 9.

Me too! 

YOU GUYS. 😭

[Jalapeñomel]

Nov 17, 2023 8:20:36 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Nov 17, 2023 8:19:55 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Me too! 

YOU GUYS. 😭

It was my fault...I was watching something in the other room, and he came in to ask me something, not realizing what they were talking about on tv. And then he had to ask...what's a blow job.  TBF, I didn't go into too many details, and he didn't want any, so I'm sure this looked different than with Cville's 14 year old. 

[sproctopus]

Nov 17, 2023 8:24:06 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Nov 17, 2023 8:20:36 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

YOU GUYS. 😭

It was my fault...I was watching something in the other room, and he came in to ask me something, not realizing what they were talking about on tv. And then he had to ask...what's a blow job.  TBF, I didn't go into too many details, and he didn't want any, so I'm sure this looked different than with Cville's 14 year old. 

Ok, so if I never turn on the television I can avoid this.

[circa1978]

Nov 17, 2023 8:26:13 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Nov 17, 2023 8:24:06 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

It was my fault...I was watching something in the other room, and he came in to ask me something, not realizing what they were talking about on tv. And then he had to ask...what's a blow job.  TBF, I didn't go into too many details, and he didn't want any, so I'm sure this looked different than with Cville's 14 year old. 

Ok, so if I never turn on the television I can avoid this.

Most of DS's questions (we have also tackled 69) came from other boys talking. I asked my mom what a blow job was after someone at a roller rink told me it was blowing in someone's ear and that didn't seem right 😂. So it's just karma.

[sproctopus]

Nov 17, 2023 8:36:28 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Nov 17, 2023 8:26:13 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Ok, so if I never turn on the television I can avoid this.

Most of DS's questions (we have also tackled 69) came from other boys talking. I asked my mom what a blow job was after someone at a roller rink told me it was blowing in someone's ear and that didn't seem right 😂. So it's just karma.

Ok, no T.V. and no friends. Got it! 😂

[abs]

Y'all are doing great. At least they are asking questions!! I have tried to be open as possible with DD but she is not interested whatsoever. Any sort of conversation involving sex or drugs or whatever else I think she needs to be aware of at age almost 13 involves her looking at me like she would rather be on another planet and not saying a word. Which is fine because that is how I feel but I keep trying because it's important and I know full well what junior high kids say at school.

[rosiebear]

My daughter and her college boyfriend stayed together all summer long with us last summer and it was so awkward I wrote a comedy set about it. I mean, it was FINE, but I had to process some big feelings about it all.

[litebright]

For all that I have been very upfront (and probably TMI at times) about sex-related things, I didn't really anticipate as a parent that I would be fielding more and more detailed questions about lesbian sex than hetero sex. My older DD has only ever had crushes on girls. DD2 has had a mix, but definitely more girls than boys. I do my best, and I'm honest about how much I don't know ... but yeah. Not my area of expertise, and I am largely speaking in theoreticals and things I'm pretty sure about (like that porn isn't a good indicator of reality for any kind of sex!). 

[cville]

Nov 17, 2023 9:44:20 GMT -5 litebright said:

For all that I have been very upfront (and probably TMI at times) about sex-related things, I didn't really anticipate as a parent that I would be fielding more and more detailed questions about lesbian sex than hetero sex. My older DD has only ever had crushes on girls. DD2 has had a mix, but definitely more girls than boys. I do my best, and I'm honest about how much I don't know ... but yeah. Not my area of expertise, and I am largely speaking in theoreticals and things I'm pretty sure about (like that porn isn't a good indicator of reality for any kind of sex!). 

Oh, yeah. I told my daughter last night the very basic fundamentals of how two women or two men can have sex and was like "but I'm not a man and have never had sex with a woman, so I don't have direct experience to explain more" and she goes "OH THANK GOD!"

I'm not certain if that was because she didn't want more details or was glad I wasn't revealing that I am bisexual/gay like her. Either way it was funny and we both laughed.

We also talked about how since all of this involves being naked you really need to trust the person you're having sex with because it's literally a physically vulnerable thing to do which can also mean, especially when you start having sex, that it makes you very emotionally vulnerable. And that means you have to trust that the person will respect you and your boundaries. She seemed to get it.

ETA: Walking the line of "please be thoughtful about sex" but not "sex is ONLY FOR MARRIAGE AND INHERENTLY BAD" is very very very hard for me. I want her to get that it's a big deal. But not feel like it's somehow the only deal. Or that having sex "changes" you as a person, you know in the virgin/whore dichotomy way. Sigh.

[sent]

Nov 16, 2023 23:48:52 GMT -5 ellipses84 said:

Omg, I cringe for these convos but I try to channel my inner Dr and just explain them like a medical professional would. 

This is my plan, to put all those years of majoring in Bio and those med school classes to good use.

[rosiebear]

cville, yes, that is difficult for me too. I don’t believe sex before marriage is bad and, in fact, I think recreational sex is just fine, too. But I want to make sure it is a deliberate and careful choice, every time.

But then I think back at the sexual misadventures I and my friends had and .., yikes. 😬

[Saudade]

I'm very open with my kids, when they ask. I don't typically proffer more information. DS1 (11) has had the puberty talk in school and has asked questions. However the BUS is where a lot of the talk comes so my 8 year old was asking what 69 is and I'm just like "welp here we go". DS1 asked the other day what "horny" meant and I simply said "oh it means you want to have sex".

Unfortunately my mind goes into wanting to provide too many details vs not enough because I want them to ask me vs learn at school.

[Jalapeñomel]

Nov 17, 2023 9:59:48 GMT -5 cville said:

Nov 17, 2023 9:44:20 GMT -5 litebright said:

For all that I have been very upfront (and probably TMI at times) about sex-related things, I didn't really anticipate as a parent that I would be fielding more and more detailed questions about lesbian sex than hetero sex. My older DD has only ever had crushes on girls. DD2 has had a mix, but definitely more girls than boys. I do my best, and I'm honest about how much I don't know ... but yeah. Not my area of expertise, and I am largely speaking in theoreticals and things I'm pretty sure about (like that porn isn't a good indicator of reality for any kind of sex!). 

Oh, yeah. I told my daughter last night the very basic fundamentals of how two women or two men can have sex and was like "but I'm not a man and have never had sex with a woman, so I don't have direct experience to explain more" and she goes "OH THANK GOD!"

I'm not certain if that was because she didn't want more details or was glad I wasn't revealing that I am bisexual/gay like her. Either way it was funny and we both laughed.

We also talked about how since all of this involves being naked you really need to trust the person you're having sex with because it's literally a physically vulnerable thing to do which can also mean, especially when you start having sex, that it makes you very emotionally vulnerable. And that means you have to trust that the person will respect you and your boundaries. She seemed to get it.

ETA: Walking the line of "please be thoughtful about sex" but not "sex is ONLY FOR MARRIAGE AND INHERENTLY BAD" is very very very hard for me. I want her to get that it's a big deal. But not feel like it's somehow the only deal. Or that having sex "changes" you as a person, you know in the virgin/whore dichotomy way. Sigh.

It seems to me that you’re doing fantastic.

[chickadee77]

My 9yo seems to ask yearly (starting around age 5) exactly how sex works. She's skeptical and thinks it sounds pretty gross, so I think she's expecting me to say, "Just kidding! Wow, I fooled you!" Despite the fact that we've read a couple books due to her starting to develop more around age 7.

Sorry, kiddo. Not kidding. You'll warm up to it.

[mccallister84]

My daughter (7) asked the other day why grown ups can kiss on the lips but no one is allowed to eat food that they have spit out of their mouth. She says you get saliva on your lips so it should all be equally gross. She has now decided that when she’s a grown up she will only kiss on the forehead or cheek.

[sugarbear1]

Very upfront and open in my house too. I want my kids to be asking me these questions! They don't speak openly about bodies at their dad's house. I also teach MS sex ed (to my kids' friends), and the questions my students ask blow my mind. I am determined to be a safe place for my kids.

My 10 and 13 year olds at dinner (both boys):
DS10: Mom, when you were young did boys act like boys do now? Did they talk about penises and balls all the time?

Me: I don't know bud. Grampy (my dad) and Didi (my grandmother) would never have allowed the word in either house, and I didn't really hear it from the few boys I hung out with.

DS13: so Uncle John (my brother) didn't wake up and tell you about his morning wood?

Me: Definitely not

DS10: What's morning wood?

DS13: Dude, we've talked about this. (gestures at his penis)

DS10: oh! That's when you wake up with a hard penis. Happens to me all the time!

[jamaicam]

When my son was 10, he asked me about condoms. After explaining, he said 'but why would anyone want to have sex if they didn't want to have children?" I had to explain that it is enjoyable which he thought was gross.

He also LOVES to ask these questions in the car when it is just the 2 of us and we have just hit a huge traffic jam. So there is no escape. I think he likes being close but not having to look in my face.

[abs]

jamaicam, DD and I have all our best talks in the car. It’s like the only time she opens up and talks. I think the not making eye contact aspect is appealing to her. Sometimes she will ask to just go for a car ride which is when I know something is truly on her mind. Which means I have to figure out the right questions to ask because she sure won’t volunteer information otherwise!!

[HRH Queen Dick I]

We all generally want to be open but don't be like that chick who would quiz her kids at the table.

"Extra dessert if you can define blow job!"

[meanie]

Ugh this will be me someday!

Big picture, this is actually awesome and you have fostered a great relationship with your kid.

I would be dying inside though 😂

[cville]

Nov 17, 2023 11:42:14 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

We all generally want to be open but don't be like that chick who would quiz her kids at the table.

"Extra dessert if you can define blow job!"

What?!?!

No. How the actual fuck does that help teach appropriate boundaries?

[maudefindlay]

This has reminded me of the 6th grade sex ed talk when they separated the girls and the boys. The father of one of the boys came and sat in with them. Ugh, I felt so bad for him and the teacher. Honestly as an adult looking back on it it angers me. Those boys no way felt as free and comfortable to ask questions as us girls. That dad robbed them of that. Trust teachers or pull your kid.

[HRH Queen Dick I]

Nov 17, 2023 11:51:29 GMT -5 cville said:

Nov 17, 2023 11:42:14 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

We all generally want to be open but don't be like that chick who would quiz her kids at the table.

"Extra dessert if you can define blow job!"

What?!?!

No. How the actual fuck does that help teach appropriate boundaries?

STG...does anyone else remember that? We ran her right out of town. Good times!

[rosiebear]

My parents signed me up for a series of sex Ed classes that, in retrospect, were pretty crazy graphic, especially considering these were offered through the Catholic Church. It was the “hippie, guitar mass” era, but STILL.

Nothing was off topic and the best part was that we could submit questions anonymously. I still think this was genius: at the end of each session, everyone had to drop a slip into the box, with either a question we were too embarrassed to ask out loud or a sentence like “I have no questions.” The instructors answered every question thoroughly and truthfully and no one was embarrassed for asking.

[EvieEthelGarland]

There was a "wacky" news story recently about a person suing a sex toy company because they wore a butt plug into an MRI (it was advertised as 100% silicone. it was not and much internal damage occurred). My 15yo was amused and like why would anyone do that? The door had been opened so I just walked through and explained safety and flared bases. It was awkward as heck, but now he knows?