Kind of an s/o but are there things you just refuse to answer - I guess I’m thinking the more personal questions. I think we are cultivating an environment of open dialogue and I can handle the blow job/sex etc questions as objective questions but if my child asks if I masturbate….
Please tell me it’s okay to tell them that I don’t want to share private intimate details with them.
I’ve told DD there’s a difference between asking general questions to understand and asking personal questions. When DD asked about sex toys and vibrators, I answered. When she asked if DH and I use them, I would not answer.
Of course, then she asked if I would buy her a vibrator.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Nov 17, 2023 12:32:32 GMT -5
All the props to you!
My oldest has asked some questions, but not as many recently. She'll be 16 in Feb (I CANNOT EVEN), and so some friends have started dating and such. We watched the movie Clueless recently, and she found that she 100% agreed with Cher regarding most HS boys at her school (sorry folks with HS boys here). But the openness is TOUGH when you have to actually *be* open. It seems to be working with her, she's pretty unbothered and direct when asking about bodies (not so many sex questions...yet).
Then there's my younger one, age 12, with whom the following transpired at breakfast this spring:
Me: So, L, I got an email that they're going to start going into more details about sex and bodies and stuff at school, and I just wanted to put it out there again that I am always here to answer any questions you have, even if they feel kind of embarrassing. I want the information to come from me, and you also have a couple books...
Older Daughter interrupts: I mean, it's just bodies, like, everyone has them...
Me (interrupting N before this goes left): yes, but sometimes when they're changing it can feel awkward. So even though this sometimes feels embarrassing, I want you to always know you can come to me...
L: OK I GET IT, can you please stop talking now, because yes, this is SUPER EMBARRASSING, and I don't want you to talk anymore.
jamaicam, DD and I have all our best talks in the car. It’s like the only time she opens up and talks. I think the not making eye contact aspect is appealing to her. Sometimes she will ask to just go for a car ride which is when I know something is truly on her mind. Which means I have to figure out the right questions to ask because she sure won’t volunteer information otherwise!!
My kids always ask tough questions in the car and I think it’s the eye contact thing. My sister’s kids do that too, and she gets double the fun because our way younger brother would do the same thing to her rather than ask our parents (sometimes about tough topics like his adoption, not always about sex ed).
My open-ness led to my 10 year old daughters connecting the dots and then coming right out and asking if I have sex with their stepdad. I said yes. They are probably scarred for life. And then it led to conversations about birth control, because they wanted to know why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. So I guess it was a good lead in to that, even if we were all a little traumatized.
My poor husband was not ready for that level of life with pre-teen girls. Now since they know it makes him horribly uncomfortable they just casually bring up sex ed discussions at the dinner table just to watch him squirm. While it's kind of funny, I had to shut that down with the "there's an appropriate time and place" lecture.
I just try to remind myself that I'm trying to break the cycle of shame and create the open dialogue I never had as a kid. And then I go vent to DH about how mortifying it is later.
This is hilarious because my stepdaughter asked me the same question right around that age. Except I botched it because I’m an idiot. So I had been married before and she knew that. I was engaged to her dad and the line of questioning was around sex and marriage. She asked if I’ve ever had sex and I said trying to be funny, “no, I’ve been saving myself for my SECOND marriage.” Why the sarcasm?! She took it as it was intended and laughed and moved on, and she went on to ask me a million more sex and drug questions. But the second it popped out of my mouth I was like “what the actual fuck did I just say?”
Post by amandakisser on Nov 18, 2023 14:19:59 GMT -5
I was watching Stranger Things with my 10-year-old DD and someone mentioned sex, so she turned to me and asked what it was. I told her the mechanics of it, and that it is how babies actually get inside a woman's uterus. She already knew periods are unfertilized eggs moving through the uterus and the "blood" is the uterine lining, but she'd never made the leap to asking how an egg is actually fertilized.
Her response after I told her? "Oh my GOD mommy. What did daddy DO to you???" OMG lol talk about traumatizing!
Such appropriate timing, DD started asking more questions at the dinner table. She wanted to know about all the different ways to have sex, what is BDSM, how does it work, safewords, toys, etc.
We've talked about it before, but I guess it didn't take. Fortunately, DS was out. I think DH appreciated that he had to leave to pick DS up.
I teach 8th grade sex ed. So, yeah, I've heard and answered it all. I did make sure my kids were not in my class that year, but we've had allllll the talks anyway.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Such appropriate timing, DD started asking more questions at the dinner table. She wanted to know about all the different ways to have sex, what is BDSM, how does it work, safewords, toys, etc.
We've talked about it before, but I guess it didn't take. Fortunately, DS was out. I think DH appreciated that he had to leave to pick DS up.
I'm sorry, but I would die on the spot if my kid asked me about BDSM. I just would. Lol.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Nov 21, 2023 13:13:28 GMT -5
I feel you ....
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3 of Miss R's friends have started having sex (14-15 yo). We have also had our first pregnancy scares (thankfully NOT mine) ... Miss R was all about asking how long does it take to get pregnant? How soon can you take a test? Cue up the whole convo about WAITING, safe sex (contraception and location (don't ask)), options should teenagers find themselves pregnant. My mama heart was terrified and happy at the same time. Terrified at the questions but THRILLED she was comfortable enough to come to me.
I was relieved when Miss R said she'll gladly be 'auntie' to any friends' babies but babies? her? HELL NO!
3 of Miss R's friends have started having sex (14-15 yo). We have also had our first pregnancy scares (thankfully NOT mine) ... Miss R was all about asking how long does it take to get pregnant? How soon can you take a test? Cue up the whole convo about WAITING, safe sex (contraception and location (don't ask)), options should teenagers find themselves pregnant. My mama heart was terrified and happy at the same time. Terrified at the questions but THRILLED she was comfortable enough to come to me.
I was relieved when Miss R said she'll gladly be 'auntie' to any friends' babies but babies? her? HELL NO!
That’s amazing that she was able to talk to you about all of that!
3 of Miss R's friends have started having sex (14-15 yo). We have also had our first pregnancy scares (thankfully NOT mine) ... Miss R was all about asking how long does it take to get pregnant? How soon can you take a test? Cue up the whole convo about WAITING, safe sex (contraception and location (don't ask)), options should teenagers find themselves pregnant. My mama heart was terrified and happy at the same time. Terrified at the questions but THRILLED she was comfortable enough to come to me.
I was relieved when Miss R said she'll gladly be 'auntie' to any friends' babies but babies? her? HELL NO!
That’s amazing that she was able to talk to you about all of that!
I've always kept an incredibly open door w her when it comes to relationships and sex. I don't want her to fall into the trap I did w her dad. She deserves better than that!
That’s amazing that she was able to talk to you about all of that!
I've always kept an incredibly open door w her when it comes to relationships and sex. I don't want her to fall into the trap I did w her dad. She deserves better than that!
Yes she does, and with you fighting as hard as you are she’s going to make a great life for herself, I can feel it!
That’s amazing that she was able to talk to you about all of that!
I've always kept an incredibly open door w her when it comes to relationships and sex. I don't want her to fall into the trap I did w her dad. She deserves better than that!
A personal question. Feel free to ignore. Were you open about this relationship with her father? That it was a trap in a way even though you obviously love her?
I've always kept an incredibly open door w her when it comes to relationships and sex. I don't want her to fall into the trap I did w her dad. She deserves better than that!
A personal question. Feel free to ignore. Were you open about this relationship with her father? That it was a trap in a way even though you obviously love her?
She remembers the worst of it, especially the assault against me. I starting dating again when she was 5 and one night sticks out in my mind - I was gettng ready and she was in tears. I asked her why and she told me that she was afraid the guy I was going out w was going to hurt me the way papa (her dad) did. I had to reassure that no, I won't let that happen to me again.
J and I have been together for 6 years and both kids have seen the healthy relationship dynamic between us. I hope it resonates enough w Miss R that she wants to emulate that relationship. Obviously, if she has questions, I'll answer them.
We have been doing age appropriate talks in this house since DS was little as well. I get most of them but DH does as well. I also make sure we discuss periods, female anatomy, etc for the benefit of not only him, but future friends and partners as well.
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My husband is a Health teacher and has seen/heard so much. So between that and what we've heard from our son, one thing we've also been talking about a LOT is sexting, social media, etc.
Some of the very intimate things kids have recorded themselves doing and putting out on SM or sending to people (which of course then gets shared with everyone) is both sad and scary. And can also result in legal issues.
And on a related note, we've also talked about how not everything he hears someone did or said is always true, not to spread things, etc. and to also come talk to us or someone else he trusts.
A personal question. Feel free to ignore. Were you open about this relationship with her father? That it was a trap in a way even though you obviously love her?
She remembers the worst of it, especially the assault against me. I starting dating again when she was 5 and one night sticks out in my mind - I was gettng ready and she was in tears. I asked her why and she told me that she was afraid the guy I was going out w was going to hurt me the way papa (her dad) did. I had to reassure that no, I won't let that happen to me again.
J and I have been together for 6 years and both kids have seen the healthy relationship dynamic between us. I hope it resonates enough w Miss R that she wants to emulate that relationship. Obviously, if she has questions, I'll answer them.
Thank you for answering. If she saw it and remembered it that must make an already difficult situation even more challenging.
There was a "wacky" news story recently about a person suing a sex toy company because they wore a butt plug into an MRI (it was advertised as 100% silicone. it was not and much internal damage occurred). My 15yo was amused and like why would anyone do that? The door had been opened so I just walked through and explained safety and flared bases. It was awkward as heck, but now he knows?
Oh, David figure all of that out last year when that chess tournament came out about the guy cheating with a vibrating butt plug. He thought it was hilarious and he sent me the story. Maybe he still doesn't know what it means and thinks it was just to cheat for a game? Either way, not revisiting that one, lol.
I still remember how shocked David was when he found out girls/women masturbate. We had the whole talk one day on the way to school and I'm like " pretty much everyone does it, it's no big deal." He was like, well, not girls though. lol. When I corrected him, his mind was BLOWN.