Post by wanderlustmom on Nov 20, 2023 19:19:16 GMT -5
It's a combination for us, some people ask me for a list so I give quite a few ideas so I can be surprised. I usually ask for a throw, candle, socks, wine, earrings or a book. A lot of people just surprise us. My DH and DS never know what they want so they are either going to be surprised or get a gift card or money. I know that when we have my extended family exchange some people share ideas and some don't. I think it's still super fun to exchange as adults. I ask people for lists when I'm stumped otherwise I wing it and include a gift receipt.
ETA: I don't think anyone should keep doing it it they don't want to! I am also almost 50 and if you don't want to exchange--find a way out. I love all the holiday exchange stuff a lot but I know I would not like buying for everyone in our family. My SIL and I don't exchange anymore and every few years she will get me something and every few years I get her something. having no pressure is nice. I hate that some people feel like it's a burden. Not everyone wants to gift give. At my aunts, the white elephant is optional and my DH and DS opt out. My best friend and I talk about it and exchange some years and don't others.
Buying for 25 people is nuts if you don’t enjoy it. You really do have the right to bow out. Really. Tell everyone that you won’t be buying gifts for, or expecting gifts from, the adults in the family. If your husband supports you, that’s fantastic: the two of you are a united front. If he does not, then he can buy the presents.
Just because you’ve tried to get people to see it your way, and they refused in the past, doesn’t mean that you have to continue to do things their way.
Granted, I am 56 years old and well past the “give a fuck“ stage of my life, but i cannot urge you strongly enough to get off this merry-go-round.
I am probably the odd ball but I don’t want anything so I would prefer to just not receive a gift.
H and I are in this group. We buy what we need and often what we want.
H already prepared me for the shitty gift my MiL is giving me. I’m getting curtains for my kitchen sink window. Lacy white ones. NMS and why am I getting something for the house? H is getting a plane ticket to Vegas for a festival he’s attending. I rather not open anything than pretend to like curtains
I should also clarify, I didn't actually ask to stop exchanging gifts with my SIL and her husband.
I said, we are not going to be able to exchange Christmas gifts anymore due to our budget concerns.
I could tell she was taken aback but that was the end of exchanging random gift cards annually!
This is a good way to phrase it to avoid arguments. Hopefully no one is such an asshole as to argue over what is and is not in your budget.
And this is a perfect year to use this excuse because everything is legitimately crazy expensive.
FWIW we only buy for 8 people (including our own kids) and I find it super stressful and not worth it. If I had to shop for 25 random relatives who are arguing about providing lists, I would be converting to the church of the flying spaghetti monster and opting out entirely.
I have not received a list from anyone (except a few parents of little ones, some years). It would be nice from people who really like and insist on exchanging gifts. I surmise that to them, gifts = “surprise me!”. Which I do and it’s delightful for them - I loath it and find it exhausting.
These same people would be horrified if I didn’t buy them a gift.
Post by donutsmakemegonuts on Nov 20, 2023 19:53:10 GMT -5
OP, definitely don't continue to buy for all this people. At the very least, have your H buy for his family if they are the ones that insist on continuing the madness. If he is responsible for figuring all that out maybe he'll change his tune.
The bottom line is that gift giving should feel like something nice and fun and not an obligation. That's why I'm all for not giving my ILs a list of random stuff I have to come up with just to have a list to give. I'd be fine with gift cards, even money but I really don't want/need anything. They usually won't go for those types of gifts because I "won't have anything to unwrap".
I agree with rosiebear. Just don't do it. No one will die.
If both of you are working full time, then why are you buying gifts for your husband's family anyway? Tell him if they want a gift exchange, that's now his job.
Or simply agree with your H to stop buying gifts for anyone, or at least the adults. Sit back each night and enjoy your evenings leading up to the holidays. You can show up after the gift exchange and still have a nice time. It might make you the odd ones out, but so what? Bring a great bottle of wine or something delicious from the bakery, and make that your new tradition.
I am probably the odd ball but I don’t want anything so I would prefer to just not receive a gift.
Yep, this is me. I told everyone to stop getting me gifts and I stopped getting people gifts. My partner and I have been together for 9 years and we never have done gifts. Being forced to make a list when I don’t need/want anything is not fun. My mom is the only hold out so I usually tell her to give me money or money towards a spa day or something like that.
Post by emilyinchile on Nov 20, 2023 20:19:11 GMT -5
Just the thought of how much it must cost to buy for that many people is stressing me out! (Obviously everyone has different budgets, no judgment at all, just from my own perspective omg) Team rosiebear. Even if it's not the actual reason, I feel like "sorry, it's too much money to buy for 25 people, so we're just doing kids/immediate family/no one from here on out" is a very understandable statement if you're not enjoying the obligation. If people want to be mad about that they are welcome to be mad.
Sorry, I clearly have FEELINGS about this 😂 But, serious question that I can't make sound not snarky but I swear isn't: what's the effort if you're just picking something off a list? It takes like 2 minutes to Google it and buy online, no?
FWIW I do tell my dad what to buy me because he's 85 and just wants me to pick something, so I'm not a total monster.
I buy for about 25 people. I have tried to institute different gift giving "arrangements" in H's family and have been shut down each time. If 15 y/o nephew wants that particular basketball jersey, just tell me instead of me trying to figure out what the heck a 15 y/o boy wants or crowd sourcing here for every last gift. I love to give gifts and I want them to be meaningful, but when you're buying 25 at a clip, something gets lost in translation. Again, I have tried for many years to cut out adults, to draw names, etc.
What would happen if you bought every adult a candle? Every year.
Buying for 25 people is nuts if you don’t enjoy it. You really do have the right to bow out. Really. Tell everyone that you won’t be buying gifts for, or expecting gifts from, the adults in the family. If your husband supports you, that’s fantastic: the two of you are a united front. If he does not, then he can buy the presents.
Just because you’ve tried to get people to see it your way, and they refused in the past, doesn’t mean that you have to continue to do things their way.
Granted, I am 56 years old and well past the “give a fuck“ stage of my life, but i cannot urge you strongly enough to get off this merry-go-round.
We did this a few years ago. It was a little awkward, especially when his siblings bought us stuff and we had nothing for them, but that happened one year - and then they didn’t get us anything after that.
Talk early about not exchanging gifts between adults. Voila - problem solved.
This! I got off the gift merry-go-round years ago. Granted, gifts are NOT my love language, giving or receiving. My H and I do a few small gifts for each other and that's it. He takes care of the gifting for our nephews.
ETA: For the record, not wanting to buy for 8 billion nephews-in-law is not Grinchy. The sucking-all-of-the-joy-from-gift-giving-and-receiving is Grinchy.
I appreciate lists and am happy to give them to those who ask. I am also happy to not receive gifts at all.
My only pause with your scenario is that if you don’t give a gift, just don’t give one. I don’t think you need to announce that they didn’t get a gift because you didn’t get a list.
ETA: For the record, not wanting to buy for 8 billion nephews-in-law is not Grinchy. The sucking-all-of-the-joy-from-gift-giving-and-receiving is Grinchy.
I am also surprised. Expecting gifts? Yikes.
It’s okay to not give gifts and it’s okay to not receive gifts. There doesn’t even need to be a reason.
I appreciate lists and am happy to give them to those who ask. I am also happy to not receive gifts at all.
My only pause with your scenario is that if you don’t give a gift, just don’t give one. I don’t think you need to announce that they didn’t get a gift because you didn’t get a list.
To be clear, I was not trying to say here-no list, no gift for you. My gripe I guess is when asking for a list all of the moaning that comes with it and as a gift giver, that can be frustrating. And I am not one that asks for SUPER SPECIFIC SPECIAL lists, just give me some direction to go in please.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Nov 20, 2023 22:19:19 GMT -5
I’m pretty laidback about gifts. I’m comfortable coaching people on what to buy and if they don’t take my advice, 🤷🏻♀️. I LOVE giving gifts but receiving them really isn’t something I stress about. Our family members run the gamut with their gift-giving abilities. None of it fazes me. In my family, their hearts are in the right place even if they consistently miss the mark. (Not the case for everyone, I know.)
I make a list for my mother of things under $20 my partner and I would enjoy. With links. The list always has 8 or 9 things on it, my mom will buy a couple of them, and then I am at least a little surprised on Christmas because I don't know exactly what I'm getting. I do this because I love her and gifts stress her out.
If I didn't give her a list and she just skipped buying us presents that'd be great too, but she enjoys having some presents to wrap for us on Christmas so I make her a list. My sibling won't make her a list so she often asks me what to get and stresses out over it. Gifts are not anyone in our family's love language, I don't exchange with any of my siblings or friends.
I appreciate lists and am happy to give them to those who ask. I am also happy to not receive gifts at all.
My only pause with your scenario is that if you don’t give a gift, just don’t give one. I don’t think you need to announce that they didn’t get a gift because you didn’t get a list.
To be clear, I was not trying to say here-no list, no gift for you. My gripe I guess is when asking for a list all of the moaning that comes with it and as a gift giver, that can be frustrating. And I am not one that asks for SUPER SPECIFIC SPECIAL lists, just give me some direction to go in please.
Gotcha. I think it’s totally fine to not give a gift.
I am anti buying stuff for people just for the same of buying stuff for people
Everyone wants a list. Which means that for each kid, I need to come up with 3-4 options for grandma/Nana/DH's auntie. The lists can't overlap or people will be unhappy they both bought the same thing. And given that they are only going to buy 3 of the 12 things I wrote down (at best), it can't be any of the things my kid *really* wants or they are likely to be disappointed. And then DH's mom still went and directly contradicted what auntie bought two years ago and told her to return it because it wasn't "suitable" (Nana thought a 6 year old was too young for real legos and needed Duplos.) DH's mom always gets something list adjacent (Like if I put "cutting board" on a list because I just got a new knife, she would end up getting a second copy of the knife I just bought. It's uncanny). My mom gets what she thinks should have been on the list. So if I wrote cutting board, she'd probably decide that was too utilitarian for a gift and go with a decorative cheese planer or something.
Everyone wants a list. Which means that for each kid, I need to come up with 3-4 options for grandma/Nana/DH's auntie. The lists can't overlap or people will be unhappy they both bought the same thing. And given that they are only going to buy 3 of the 12 things I wrote down (at best), it can't be any of the things my kid *really* wants or they are likely to be disappointed. And then DH's mom still went and directly contradicted what auntie bought last year and told her to return it because it wasn't suitable (when it was the thing my kid wanted most. I knew I could count on DH's auntie to come through and get something on the list - so she gets the best list). DH's mom always gets something list adjacent (Like if I put "cutting board" on a list because I just got a new knife, she would end up getting a second copy of the knife I just bought. It's uncanny). My mom gets what she thinks should have been on the list. So if I wrote cutting board, she'd probably decide that was too utilitarian for a gift and go with a cheese planer or something.
OMG! yes to all of this. This happened today. Cousin wanted me to go shopping for DD with her. We go. I show her what is on DD’s list. She buys something completely different. DD wanted a lip mask set. She got her a foot mask and socks. 🤦🏻♀️
My family has been doing a secret santa for adults for years and a few years ago we started doing it for the kids too. When there are 12 cousins, it starts to get ridiculous. So each adult buys for one other adult and each kid gets gifts for one other kid. We have a $75 limit. We all put a list on Boogspace. You can either link to an exact thing you want or you can put something like "Long sleeve shirts that go with jeans that I can wear to work." That gives options to the people who would rather just click a link and to the people who want to put a little more thought into it. If the person I have doesn't put any choices on his/her list, they get a gift card.
DH's family is just his mom, sister, and BIL. So he gets gifts for all of them. Because our kids are the only niece/nephew/grandchildren, they are SPOILED rotten. Rotten!
Post by cattledogkisses on Nov 21, 2023 8:52:04 GMT -5
I don't think they should get no gift, but if they're not willing to provide any ideas about what they want then they have to be ok with getting something generic and impersonal.
I drew my BIL's name in the family swap this year, and he hasn't said anything about what he wants despite prompting, so he's getting an Amazon gift card because I'm not a mind reader.
I don't think they should get no gift, but if they're not willing to provide any ideas about what they want then they have to be ok with getting something generic and impersonal.
I drew my BIL's name in the family swap this year, and he hasn't said anything about what he wants despite prompting, so he's getting an Amazon gift card because I'm not a mind reader.
I agree with this. OP, if you ask for direction and they give you none then you get to pick the gift. You can choose to either stress out about it and try and find the "perfect" gift for that person OR give them a nice generic gift that might not be "perfect". They still get something from you and you don't have to stress about it and maybe next year they will supply you with more direction. Either way I would not stress about this and I would try to pair down all the people you have to do this for. I would also not worry about what they might think if you give them a generic gift. If someone is going to feel some way/complain about receiving a gift, then that's on them.
I give gifts to people I want to give gifts to. I don't give gifts to people I don't want to give gifts to. A list doesn't really change my motivation either way. I like lists but if someone doesn't provide one, I generally know them well enough to come up with something they will like. If I don't, chances are I was not going to give them a gift anyway.
Part of my frustration is listening to grown adults, i.e. my husband, SD, son in law, etc complain about having to make a list for various people and what a chore it is. It discounts the effort people go to to buy you a gift.
Sorry, I clearly have FEELINGS about this 😂 But, serious question that I can't make sound not snarky but I swear isn't: what's the effort if you're just picking something off a list? It takes like 2 minutes to Google it and buy online, no?
FWIW I do tell my dad what to buy me because he's 85 and just wants me to pick something, so I'm not a total monster.
I am not a gifts as love language person, and this is where I am. I don't want to make a list, because there's just not that much I want, and if I do want something, I have probably already bought it for myself.
The most annoying thing I find about buying things is having to do the research to figure out what I actually want. If I have to do that part, I'll just buy it myself. Sending someone a link after having done the bulk of the labor does not feel much like a gift to me. (I recognize that I can say this due to the privilege of largely being able to buy the things I need.)
I usually do make a list for my mom, but it always feels kind of lame. I do enjoy the tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas morning and typically do like getting them something, so I don't really want to put a stop to it - but it also seems silly to ask for anything. Their budget is around $150 or so per person and there is honestly little at that price point or below that I wouldn't just buy for myself if I wanted it. If we were exchanging stuff in the $300+ range it would be easier to think of stuff - which is not to imply that I think they should increase their budget! I usually spend a similar amount on them and it means I have to be creative but I can usually come up with something without their input. Some years it ends up partly being a donation to charity, which I would also happily accept as a gift for myself.
We definitely limit buying other gifts, though. This year I think we're adding my sisters and BIL back into the rotation because one of my sisters said she wanted to buy gifts, but other than that we usually just buy for their kids. Some years H and I exchange, others we don't - I'm leaning toward no this year. And we don't do friends or other extended family. It keeps things simple. When I was a kid with a huge extended family, my mom put her foot down early around exchanging gifts with everyone, and while it was always slightly awkward while others were opening gifts, we saw all the crap that was exchanged and never really felt jealous, lol. I think it's ok to opt out. I also think it's ok for people to buy you a gift if they really want to. One of my sisters is broke right now and understandably doesn't want to exchange, but my other sister and I are going to buy her things anyway because we want to. Also she's had a tough year and deserves gifts.