For the Christmas list haters...a ?

[kiminky]

I am one of those who asks for Christmas lists from my family. My mom has always asked for lists as well. It takes some of the anxiety out of shipping for gifts for me and makes it less taxing mentally, when I don't always want that extra load. My husband complains about having to come up with a list, as do others, apparently the gift givers are all supposed to be creative gift giving mind readers. Many on the boards also complain about coming up with lists for themselves, spouse, children, etc. My question...would you be cool with that person just not buying anything if they don't receive a list?

[rosiebear]

I feel like if you don’t supply a list, even just general categories, you can expect a fairly hit-or-miss gift receiving experience. It would be nice if people in our lives knew us well enough to just know what we’d like, but I learned long ago that gift-giving perceptiveness is a fairly rare thing.

ETA: I misread your post. No, generally, I don’t think the consequence of not giving a list should be no gift at all.

[bex1973]

I think most are complaining about having to be the default list maker and then folks buying the exact opposite of what the list says.

[mala]

I like getting lists for other people. I hate having to make one myself. If I don't give someone a list I don't have high expectations. I expect something generic, but I would still expect something.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

I don't mind making a list if someone asks me, but I do think that I am at a place in life where if I want something throughout the year, I will just buy it myself. So I think it's harder to come up with stuff to put on said list. I also don't like the idea of creating a list of stuff just for lists sake.

I don't agree that if you don't provide a list you get nothing. That seems kinda mean.

[konapoppy]

Talk early about not exchanging gifts between adults. Voila - problem solved.

But really, if everyone is still doing gifts, don’t not get something just because there wasn’t a list. Just get a generic gift card and call it a day.

[TR]

No, I wouldn't be cool with them buying me nothing. If we're close enough to exchange gifts, you can think of an appropriate gift card, at the very least.

[rosiebear]

OP, I can definitely understand your frustration. To lighten the mental load on yourself, maybe decide on a generic-ish gift: a cuddly throw blanket, an “Italian dinner” basket, a “[ price point]” pack of scratch off cards … things like that.

[VillainV]

Nov 20, 2023 17:06:10 GMT -5 donutsmakemegonuts said:

I don't mind making a list if someone asks me, but I do think that I am at a place in life where if I want something throughout the year, I will just buy it myself. So I think it's harder to come up with stuff to put on said list. I also don't like the idea of creating a list of stuff just for lists sake.

I don't agree that if you don't provide a list you get nothing. That seems kinda mean.

Same…:but I usually try to stop buying myself stuff in October (I have a late October birthday) to leave stuff on wish lists. Then nobody buys them and they go out of stock or disappear completely and I get pissed off that I didn’t just get them for myself.

[kiminky]

Part of my frustration is listening to grown adults, i.e. my husband, SD, son in law, etc complain about having to make a list for various people and what a chore it is. It discounts the effort people go to to buy you a gift. It seems like a yearly ritual of adults complaining about making Christmas lists, but they would be offended if they didn't get a gift after all the complaining. I guess this is my holiday complaint.

[lahoagie]

I am probably the odd ball but I don’t want anything so I would prefer to just not receive a gift.

[kiminky]

Nov 20, 2023 17:39:51 GMT -5 lahoagie said:

I am probably the odd ball but I don’t want anything so I would prefer to just not receive a gift.

Awesome, I love this response!

[jinkies]

I don't mind coming up with lists.

I do mind:
1. Struggling to come up with suitable ideas at the right price point, and then receiving something off-list instead

2. Not being told that they went off-list, when the idea they were given was something one of my kids really wanted

3. Having to coordinate my H's list. He is an adult and you have his number. Contact him yourself. No one has ever, in 20 years of marriage, asked H for my list. Keep the same energy for his list.

I would also love to not exchange among adults, so I'd maybe float that idea to the people complaining

[186momx]

If the gift giver will shop from the list then I have no issues giving out a list. But don't ask for a list to just ignore it (my mom & MIL). If you are gifting to everyone else than do a generic or useful gift to those that don't supply lists.

[kiminky]

Nov 20, 2023 17:46:52 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I don't mind coming up with lists.

I do mind:
1. Struggling to come up with suitable ideas at the right price point, and then receiving something off-list instead

2. Not being told that they went off-list, when the idea they were given was something one of my kids really wanted

3. Having to coordinate my H's list. He is an adult and you have his number. Contact him yourself. No one has ever, in 20 years of marriage, asked H for my list. Keep the same energy for his list.

I would also love to not exchange among adults, so I'd maybe float that idea to the people complaining

I have floated the idea of adults not exchanging in DH's family, it worked with half of the adults. The older generation didn't go for it.

I totally agree on people reaching out directly to H for his list. He is 48 y/o, I do not want to be his list gate keeper.

[ssmjlm]

I don’t think adults should exchange. I just default to a calendar for the ILs.

Lists are great, if people use them. Don’t ask and then ignore.

[loira]

Generic gifts for those who don't supply a list. Box of chocolates or a bottle of wine.

[k3am]

Nov 20, 2023 16:57:51 GMT -5 bex1973 said:

I think most are complaining about having to be the default list maker and then folks buying the exact opposite of what the list says.

MIL has been begging for the kids gift lifts and have them "aim for the sky". I had the kids write lists, give her the lists, and suddenly.. DD doesn't want any toys? She wants a comforter? That's not fun for me to buy her! And DS has THREE GAMES on his list. Does he really WANT three board games? He has the red version of this on his list, does he really want red? What kind of advent color would they each like? What's the best place to buy this? How can I ship it? Can you have DD add more things to her list? DD HAS SO MANY THINGS ON HER LIST! And DS asked for that game system, that's FAR TOO EXPENSIVE. 

After 4 hours of text messages from MIL, I was ready to throw the phone at DH. I put her on mute and told him to deal with her. 

I hate lists for adults. If I want something, I generally buy it for myself. I don't want to tell someone what to buy for me*. If I don't know someone well enough to buy something that I think they would enjoy or at least get a laugh out of, I don't want to buy them a gift. 

*Exception being DH. I have no problem telling him what I want - it's generally something that I really want but can't justify the cost of, so if he wants to buy it and decide it's okay, I'd love that. Last year I got a Dyson vacuum that I'd been saying I wanted but didn't want to pay for. No regrets. 

[thebreakfastclub]

I would really hate coming up with a list for myself. Truly there is nothing I want right now.

I would have already asked to please not exchange gifts.

But if someone was insistent on a gift, I'd be fine with a gift card to Target or a restaurant. I would say please do not stress over someone's gift.

[thebreakfastclub]

I should also clarify, I didn't actually ask to stop exchanging gifts with my SIL and her husband.

I said, we are not going to be able to exchange Christmas gifts anymore due to our budget concerns.

I could tell she was taken aback but that was the end of exchanging random gift cards annually!

[emilyinchile]

Nov 20, 2023 16:53:52 GMT -5 kiminky said:

I am one of those who asks for Christmas lists from my family. My mom has always asked for lists as well. It takes some of the anxiety out of shipping for gifts for me and makes it less taxing mentally, when I don't always want that extra load. My husband complains about having to come up with a list, as do others, apparently the gift givers are all supposed to be creative gift giving mind readers. Many on the boards also complain about coming up with lists for themselves, spouse, children, etc. My question...would you be cool with that person just not buying anything if they don't receive a list?

I am very much a "gifts as love language" kind of person. It's not about the amount, it's about the thought and finding something I think the recipient will really enjoy, and I appreciate the same thing from others. So to the bolded, to me that's the whole point: that you take a minute to think of what you think X person would really appreciate. I don't exchange a ton of gifts - I actually instituted secret Santa in FI's big family - for the same reason, because it's just stressful to have to buy a million things and not possible to make them actually meaningful. I fully support reducing the list of people you buy for, no one needs to be stressing about what great uncle Tony you see once a year might want, but if you actually know the person and care enough to want to get them a present then surely you can think of *something* they might enjoy.

So to answer your question no, I would not be cool with someone as close as a partner just not getting me a present because he thought I should do the work for him.

[emilyinchile]

Nov 20, 2023 17:39:46 GMT -5 kiminky said:

Part of my frustration is listening to grown adults, i.e. my husband, SD, son in law, etc complain about having to make a list for various people and what a chore it is. It discounts the effort people go to to buy you a gift.

Sorry, I clearly have FEELINGS about this 😂 But, serious question that I can't make sound not snarky but I swear isn't: what's the effort if you're just picking something off a list? It takes like 2 minutes to Google it and buy online, no?

FWIW I do tell my dad what to buy me because he's 85 and just wants me to pick something, so I'm not a total monster.

[gardengal]

Nov 20, 2023 18:13:48 GMT -5 k3am said:

Nov 20, 2023 16:57:51 GMT -5 bex1973 said:

I think most are complaining about having to be the default list maker and then folks buying the exact opposite of what the list says.

MIL has been begging for the kids gift lifts and have them "aim for the sky". I had the kids write lists, give her the lists, and suddenly.. DD doesn't want any toys? She wants a comforter? That's not fun for me to buy her! And DS has THREE GAMES on his list. Does he really WANT three board games? He has the red version of this on his list, does he really want red? What kind of advent color would they each like? What's the best place to buy this? How can I ship it? Can you have DD add more things to her list? DD HAS SO MANY THINGS ON HER LIST! And DS asked for that game system, that's FAR TOO EXPENSIVE. 

After 4 hours of text messages from MIL, I was ready to throw the phone at DH. I put her on mute and told him to deal with her. 

I hate lists for adults. If I want something, I generally buy it for myself. I don't want to tell someone what to buy for me*. If I don't know someone well enough to buy something that I think they would enjoy or at least get a laugh out of, I don't want to buy them a gift. 

*Exception being DH. I have no problem telling him what I want - it's generally something that I really want but can't justify the cost of, so if he wants to buy it and decide it's okay, I'd love that. Last year I got a Dyson vacuum that I'd been saying I wanted but didn't want to pay for. No regrets. 

Are we married? This is my mother. She asks for a list but only want to buy things from them she “understands” (artisanal soap bars she thinks are lame, as are bathrobes for children. A gadget she doesn’t get the point of is also a no) or she asks 5000 questions bc she doesn’t want to think. Bc we used to use Amazon wishlists, I once put as an idea “Good & Well Supply Co. Olympic NP candle” & she literally texted me asking for the link. Cannot be bothered to Google. But presents are her love language! But we get no effort so that says….

Anywho, OP, I do not mind making a list for myself or assisting my child (but I’m not going to nag). I do get miffed if someone hassles me for a list & then proceeds to not use it without giving me a heads up (mostly kid related as we don’t do much BW adults & I could use those ideas for someone else!)

[Roc A Bee]

I am always a little surprised at the people who can’t/don’t like to make a list. I always have a list of random shit that I don’t want to buy myself but still want. But me the gifts!

[kiminky]

Nov 20, 2023 18:32:13 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Nov 20, 2023 17:39:46 GMT -5 kiminky said:

Part of my frustration is listening to grown adults, i.e. my husband, SD, son in law, etc complain about having to make a list for various people and what a chore it is. It discounts the effort people go to to buy you a gift.

Sorry, I clearly have FEELINGS about this 😂 But, serious question that I can't make sound not snarky but I swear isn't: what's the effort if you're just picking something off a list? It takes like 2 minutes to Google it and buy online, no?

FWIW I do tell my dad what to buy me because he's 85 and just wants me to pick something, so I'm not a total monster.

I buy for about 25 people. I have tried to institute different gift giving "arrangements" in H's family and have been shut down each time. If 15 y/o nephew wants that particular basketball jersey, just tell me instead of me trying to figure out what the heck a 15 y/o boy wants or crowd sourcing here for every last gift. I love to give gifts and I want them to be meaningful, but when you're buying 25 at a clip, something gets lost in translation. Again, I have tried for many years to cut out adults, to draw names, etc.

[artichokie]

I have never given a list of things I want to someone. I just tell them I don’t need anything. Plus it takes the surprise out of everything. If they’re not satisfied with that answer I just tell them get what would make them happy and buy 2, one for them and one for me 😀

[sent]

I've observed my husband's cousin do the whole gift exchange with her family and her in-laws. She always has people over on the 25th and they all open each other's presents then. They all end up with piles and piles of random stuff like someone raided every other aisle at T.J. Maxx. I don't need any of that in my house. So I'm team if there is no list, do not buy anything.

But the entire in-law side doesn't believe in lists or not buying anything so we still end up with random stuff that no one will use.

[ohgillian]

Nov 20, 2023 16:57:51 GMT -5 bex1973 said:

I think most are complaining about having to be the default list maker and then folks buying the exact opposite of what the list says.

x 10000

[rubytue]

Nov 20, 2023 17:06:10 GMT -5 donutsmakemegonuts said:

I don't mind making a list if someone asks me, but I do think that I am at a place in life where if I want something throughout the year, I will just buy it myself. So I think it's harder to come up with stuff to put on said list. I also don't like the idea of creating a list of stuff just for lists sake.

I don't agree that if you don't provide a list you get nothing. That seems kinda mean.

This is me. When I do have to make a list, it’s things like:
handmade stuff
purple accessories
gnomes of all sorts
your favorite food/beverage to share
[specific hobby] stuff

[rosiebear]

Buying for 25 people is nuts if you don’t enjoy it. You really do have the right to bow out. Really. Tell everyone that you won’t be buying gifts for, or expecting gifts from, the adults in the family. If your husband supports you, that’s fantastic: the two of you are a united front. If he does not, then he can buy the presents.

Just because you’ve tried to get people to see it your way, and they refused in the past, doesn’t mean that you have to continue to do things their way.

Granted, I am 56 years old and well past the “give a fuck“ stage of my life, but i cannot urge you strongly enough to get off this merry-go-round.