Middle school thread

[erbear]

Feb 20, 2024 22:05:14 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

erbear - thank you for this. DD1 entered this school (5-8 in middle, 9-12 in upper) as an 8th grader. I knew it would be tough for her but she needed to get out of the old school. She has such a hard time navigating friendships anyway, and add the middle school meanness… she’s just feeling lonely.

Your post made me feel better. I’m hoping she can just get through the year relatively unscathed, and her 60-person class will double. She will have more opportunities to find her people. Fingers crossed….

I think this is one of the most challenging things. I teach 8th in a similar school and we get 1-5 new 8th graders every year. It's just such a tough time to enter a grade. You're right that next year will open a new world -- more kids in her grade, plus high school tends to be less "graded" so more opportunities to connect with older kids as well. It gets easier!

[erbear]

Feb 21, 2024 8:37:10 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

erbear , my closest friend in the entire world, who is the closest thing I have to family, I met the first day of junior high. But to your point, we aren’t friends with anyone else we were friends with then. We are close with two other women we met in 9th grade. But I realize we are very weird. And lucky AF.

This is the other thing. Kids need one friend. That's it. One singular person they connect with -- those kids do fine, maybe even better than those who have a lot of acquaintances. 

[librarychica]

DD1’s consistent friend since first grade is moving two hours away. There were many tears here last night. I’m happy for them — they’ve been trying to buy here for years and we’re just thoroughly priced out but they can afford to buy in that smaller town — but sad for DD.

[waverly]

Feb 20, 2024 19:53:15 GMT -5 erbear said:

So the thing I think is important to keep in mind about friendships is that they shift all the time, and most kids are looking for connection in a moment. Realistically, how many adults do you know whose are friends (real friends) with their middle school crew? It's hard for kids to make genuine connections sometimes because there is so much shifting of what's cool and who is "in" -- the risk necessary to have a real FRIEND (opening up, being vulnerable) is just not worth it. I always encourage kids who are in social drama (which is everyone, all the time, pretty much) to be kind and find someone else for today -- we all know the groups will shift again tomorrow.

My 9th grader had a group of very close girl friends in middle school. She's friends with none of them now. She hangs with some boys, one different girl, and the girls on her soccer team. Whenever I worry that she's lonely, I remember that I never talk to my high school friends...they were placeholders until I got to college and found my real peeps.

DD2 (7th grade) has a close group of 2 friends who I think she'll stick with. They are well-liked by the other kids, but they are pretty insular and don't really get involved with the drama.

I always tell my kids that I would worry if you came home and told me you were the most popular kid in the class, because if that's true, you're probably not being kind to someone.

I didn't even have a middle school crew, but DS has one, so I feel like well he is doing middle school better than me and DH.  It seems to be fairly stable.  My high school friends were amazing people with true friendship- definitely not placeholders.  We still aren't close now, but we do chat occasionally on messanger. I was very lucky.  But yeah for friendships that is true and they continue to shift into adulthood, college, work life etc.  

I worry about the popularity thing with DD.  I definitely think being popular is very much a double edge sword, and do they have that protective true friendship anywhere.  I strive for my kids to just have something social to do.  Doesn't even have to be every weekend but even something social on a somewhat regular basis.  I factor sports into this and family stuff as part of the social stuff, but would like them to experience friendships outside of that if possible.  I had a best friend, and we don't talk at all anymore, so I don't feel they have to be besties and spend every minute together.  But something a bit more relaxed.  My main issue is summer because we lose the structure and friends are traveling, so it can be lonely for DS and somewhat for DD.  

[mae0111]

DD2 is still at the age where I’m having to manage her plans outside of school. She kind of has friends from all over the place. Over the weekend she hung out with 2 kids that she went to preschool with, and they’re both good friends still. She has soccer friends, preschool friends, old school friends, new school friends. I’m hoping she makes some summer friends so she has someone to hang out with at the beach house. She’s a pretty easy kid as far as that goes. She also enjoys her own company, which is nice.

I wish things were easier for DD1. I hope she gets there someday.

[abs]

I don't really go here but I do have a 7th grade girl so here I am anyways. Whew. It's been a roller coaster of a year.

In most ways 5th grade remains the worst year as far as mean girl behavior. DD ditched a toxic friendship that year and really blossomed after that. She no longer is really friends with the girls that took her in after that but she remains grateful to them for showing her what real support looks like. She has a great friendship group now. She has a best friend she sees most weekends, a slightly bigger friend group for activities, and school friends/homework buddies. Girls and boys. Even a kind of sort of boyfriend. She is a complete nerd and is totally at peace with it. She got much happier when she stopped trying to keep up with the trends and befriend the popular people. So, all good socially. As stressful as junior high can be at times it's nothing compared to the hell that was 5th grade.

Academically it's been tough. She gets great grades but feels like it's like it is never enough. I believe she has a touch of ADHD and a touch of social anxiety (anxiety is diagnosed, ADHD is a work in progress). We started therapy a few months ago and it's been very helpful. It has been very fun watching her learn what she really loves (math, science, band). Hopefully she will soon realize it's totally fine that she does not love ELA and will stop punishing herself by taking the highest level class. Baby steps on that one.

I don't know. The craziest thing about junior high is how fast it goes and how quickly things change. There have been a few constants but mostly it's things like one day it's "OMG my friends are so boy obsessed and it drives me crazy" and like weeks later you find out about mutual crushes. Or loving a certain sport to basically hating it over night. Everything is either level awful or level the greatest ever. It gives me whiplash.

[waverly]

abs, 5th grade has been the worst for DS and for DD. Of course, DD is still in 5th grade, but I am hoping that means 6-8 is a bit easier socially because 5th has been dramatic. I chalk it up to still having the same teacher all day and recess. It seems like there is too much togetherness with the class.

[librarychica]

Someone once told me (or maybe I read it somewhere — I think that second one) that the key to managing middle school and up is to remember that your kid is on a roller coaster ride and don’t get on it with them. They’re on the ride, it’s our job to be the solid ground. Call out truly bad behavior when you see it but otherwise stay pretty calm and neutral.

During some conversations with DD I am definitely chanting “neutral, stay neutral” in my head, lol.

[sdlaura]

My oldest is 11/in 6th grade, but luckily that's still elementary school here, and she doesn't seem to be going through puberty yet.

She had her middle school tour a couple weeks ago and was happy to see her sports friends there - they all go to different elementary schools but will go to middle school together.

I expect DD to be my middle school test case because she's a good student/has high executive function and is (so far) relatively easygoing. I can learn from her before we get to her three brothers.

[erbear]

Feb 21, 2024 16:23:36 GMT -5 librarychica said:

Someone once told me (or maybe I read it somewhere — I think that second one) that the key to managing middle school and up is to remember that your kid is on a roller coaster ride and don’t get on it with them. They’re on the ride, it’s our job to be the solid ground. Call out truly bad behavior when you see it but otherwise stay pretty calm and neutral.

During some conversations with DD I am definitely chanting “neutral, stay neutral” in my head, lol.

That was me...that's my favorite line (honestly, it's something I heard when I first starting teaching middle school and it really stuck with me once I had my own kids).

[librarychica]

Feb 21, 2024 19:20:00 GMT -5 erbear said:

Feb 21, 2024 16:23:36 GMT -5 librarychica said:

Someone once told me (or maybe I read it somewhere — I think that second one) that the key to managing middle school and up is to remember that your kid is on a roller coaster ride and don’t get on it with them. They’re on the ride, it’s our job to be the solid ground. Call out truly bad behavior when you see it but otherwise stay pretty calm and neutral.

During some conversations with DD I am definitely chanting “neutral, stay neutral” in my head, lol.

That was me...that's my favorite line (honestly, it's something I heard when I first starting teaching middle school and it really stuck with me once I had my own kids).

Omg full circle! Well it’s made an impact on me.

[waverly]

The middle school drama is definitely wearing on me. DD vents a lot, and I coach her, but other than that I am not involved. I just feel this low level burnout from it all though, and I definitely need a vacation. I am really hoping summer helps DD a lot, but I am afraid since the coaching is involving a neighbor that it will still be there in our lives for a long time. This whole being in the same class and living near each other is NOT working out.

[dglvrk2]

Not sure if this has been covered yet...but do all middle schoolers pretty much keep to their bedrooms when they're home??? DD1 (12.5 yrs old) only comes out to eat or use the bathroom, it seems. I'll check on her and she'll even ask me to get her a snack or drink. (Although she knows the answer is 'No. Get it yourself.')

[waverly]

Feb 26, 2024 23:59:28 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

Not sure if this has been covered yet...but do all middle schoolers pretty much keep to their bedrooms when they're home??? DD1 (12.5 yrs old) only comes out to eat or use the bathroom, it seems. I'll check on her and she'll even ask me to get her a snack or drink. (Although she knows the answer is 'No. Get it yourself.')

Yes, mostly the basement because there is another TV there but same concept. We don’t allow food there though.

[twinmomma]

dglvrk2, That's 100% what DD1 does! She and DD1 share a room, but have a curtain up dividing their spaces. She'll come home, pop in her headphones, and go listen to music, books, and youtube in her half all alone. She emerges for food and to sometimes play video games with the other kids

[mae0111]

Yes, both of my kids retreat to their rooms. DD1 is immediately on FaceTime with literally anyone she knows and is playing Minecraft. Dd2 goes between just being alone and decompressing and being on FaceTime with friends.

[librarychica]

Feb 27, 2024 8:36:20 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

Yes, both of my kids retreat to their rooms. DD1 is immediately on FaceTime with literally anyone she knows and is playing Minecraft. Dd2 goes between just being alone and decompressing and being on FaceTime with friends.

I laughed at “FaceTiming with anyone she knows” because my DD1 is just like that — but she moves around the house. Random children yelling hello from FaceTime. FaceTiming while doing hair, FaceTiming while doing dishes ….

[librarychica]

My younger one is more likely to retreat to her room, my older one is more likely to plop down in a common area and just ignore all of us with her headphones on. I definitely prefer DD1’s strategy because she will generally get distracted by the hustle and bustle and interact with us.

[twinmomma]

Feb 27, 2024 8:57:54 GMT -5 librarychica said:

Feb 27, 2024 8:36:20 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

Yes, both of my kids retreat to their rooms. DD1 is immediately on FaceTime with literally anyone she knows and is playing Minecraft. Dd2 goes between just being alone and decompressing and being on FaceTime with friends.

I laughed at “FaceTiming with anyone she knows” because my DD1 is just like that — but she moves around the house. Random children yelling hello from FaceTime. FaceTiming while doing hair, FaceTiming while doing dishes ….

The obsession with Facetime is so funny! ExH and I were laughing at the girls and how it seems like they don't know how to make a normal phone call. They only want to do video calls to talk to anyone, including us! Child, if you're calling me at work, I cannot just stop and Facetime you in the middle of the office! Use a regular phone call! 

It's one of the big reasons I'm considering ditching the Gabb phones and upgrading them to iphones actually. The Gabb phones can't do video call and they don't have ipads at their dad's house, so half the week they complain that they can't talk to their friends. I just need to figure out how to block apps more thoroughly before I pull the trigger on that switch though. 

[mae0111]

The sneakiness is making me crazy. And the lying. We are having to put up so many guard rails to keep the kids on track, and they spend so much time sneaking around the guardrails.

Yesterday there was a big fight again over… cheese balls. The cheese balls are now in the trash. But the fights got mean so dd2 lost screens. And we caught her sneaking her phone. Ugh

Then I asked DD1 to clean up after her sleepover. She did… and then made a brand new mess involving painting and food and painters tape and stuff everywhere. So I asked her to clean up again… why do I have to… so DH asked her again… and she said “If you don’t like seeing the mess, you clean it up.”

So now no one has devices.

[dglvrk2]

mae0111, the fights between my Ds (ages 10 and 12) are nuts!!
It usually starts with DD2 not meaning to do anything wrong, but not minding her own business, and making some comment that sends DD1 over the edge. DD1 overreacts by yelling at DD2 and calling her names. I tell DD1 to calm down, but she's so worked up, she seemingly can't. DD2 is, rightfully, upset and yells at DD1 or starts crying.
Does this sound familiar to any other WPs?

[abs]

Feb 26, 2024 23:59:28 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

Not sure if this has been covered yet...but do all middle schoolers pretty much keep to their bedrooms when they're home??? DD1 (12.5 yrs old) only comes out to eat or use the bathroom, it seems. I'll check on her and she'll even ask me to get her a snack or drink. (Although she knows the answer is 'No. Get it yourself.')

Yeah it’s pretty normal but when DD spends too much time in her room by herself she gets depressed so definitely check in. Sometimes it’s not normal. We definitely got caught off guard by this earlier in the fall. Was not good. Since her depressive episode she doesn’t spend as much time in her room but she still prefers to be upstairs chilling by 8 pm or so if she can. Still plenty of alone time.

[mrspez07]

DS2 (11.5) has a girlfriend now, and the looks and attitude I’ve gotten from him around phone use since this started a few weeks ago is not something I was quite prepared for. He’s a sweet, snuggly kind kid, but dare I set rules about the phone and I get all the attitude and one of the most powerful stinkeyes I’ve seen before.
His brother is 3 years older and in HS, and sometimes it feels like he’s trying to skip 3 years on the freedoms and social stuff.

[sdlaura]

My DD doesn’t retreat to her room often. All the kids mostly hang out in the kitchen and living room. Our house is pretty small and we have six people, so one would think she’d want to hang in her room. 🤷‍♀️

DD has lots of text chats with friends and sports teams she’s on, but she doesn’t FaceTime. DS1 (4th grade) will FaceTime for hours during video game play with his friends.

[rere]

My kids think I'm the most horrible mom in the world because they didn't have a TV in their room. We had 4 through the house, and at the time, that's all the satellite would allow. So they could find a TV somewhere. So they really never spent a lot of time in their rooms, and still don't. Ds plops himself in the middle of everything on his phone and so does dd. And the game system is in the downstairs living room.

I never wanted tvs in their rooms, because I never came out of my room as a child or teenager and developed some weird parionioa above it.That had more to do with I didn't have a great relationship with my parents, and they were content that I stay in there and not interact.

[librarychica]

rere, we also don’t have TVs in bedrooms — we have one in the living room — but weirdly it only seems to get used if the girls or all four of us are watching TV together. It’s much more phone/tablet use we have to monitor. Unfortunately any device can turn into a TV equivalent or similar time suck. We have limits set but my 9yo is actually the one who circumvents them and requires hands on monitoring. My middle schooler is pretty chill about it.

I also spent a lot of time in my to or outside alone in a tree, and I didn’t have a TV, but I just liked and still like being alone. Usually stuck in a book or staring aimlessly at something. Go away, world! For us, it’s the youngest who I think tends to retreat to her room in a more isolating way. The oldest I think is like me — she just needs solo decompression time at times.

[186momx]

DD only hides in her room when she is home with just dad and she is 100% hiding from him.

Last night DD "I'm ugly fat giant and everyone is making fun of me and laughing at me behind my back" cue crying meltdown. She is 5'4" about 110lbs of solid muscle and wears a double zero with a belt. Oh, the mood swings and hormones.

[campermom]

My Dd does ok-she’s in her room a lot on FaceTime but what really gets me is the whole high interest in Ulta, cosmetics etc. It’s just foreign to me. But as long as she’s being safe and kind., and using her Christmas money, I’m ok with the trend preoccupations

[mustardseed2007]

DS disappears into his head phones. I like to be able to give him freedom to watch youtube or listen to music b/c I understand the need to decompress, but it can be frustrating to have a kid in front of me who can't hear me bc he has his air buds in and he's in his own world.

In general DS is kind of young for his age though. He still gets excited about stuff that other middle schoolers don't. He's had a crush but no girl friends. He'll definitely still play with action figures if he can get someone to play with him.

[dglvrk2]

campermom The make-up! I had horrible skin in middle school. I lived in a small, isolated town. The only make-up available was from the drug store or the Mary Kay lady. I gave up on make-up as soon as I tried it. So when DD1 emerges from her room with another Amazon ask (we too live in a small, isolated town, but more connected than my hometown), I'm always caught off guard.

Speaking of rooms again, the snappiness when I come in and DD1 is not wanting to engage with anyone! DD1 watched part of a movie with the rest of the family last night, then retreated to her room. Fine. I came down (her bedroom is on the ground floor of our three-story house) after the movie ended to ask what time she wanted to get up this morning. She told me, then immediately added, "Now go. You're annoying me!"

This happens a few times a week. Usually, she emerges later as if nothing happened. Still, I'm spent.