Middle school thread

[waverly]

We had a really tough week this week at the middle school. I can’t put it here without a trigger warning. I’ll try to mention it next week with the warning.

[dglvrk2]

waverly I'm so sorry. These years can just suck the life out of everyone. Hugs and I hope you and your kids can find some peace in the upcoming days.

[mae0111]

waverly - I’m sorry. I’m not sure what went on, but I hope everyone is ok.

My nerves are frayed after this week. DD1 had a 45 min meltdown because I said no to a request for $60 shampoo/conditioner after she literally bought a different last Sunday, and DD2 cried because DH offered to help her with her soccer throw ins (she got called twice tonight for lifting up her foot).

So. Many. Hormones.

[erbear]

Mar 9, 2024 10:27:28 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

campermom The make-up! I had horrible skin in middle school. I lived in a small, isolated town. The only make-up available was from the drug store or the Mary Kay lady. I gave up on make-up as soon as I tried it. So when DD1 emerges from her room with another Amazon ask (we too live in a small, isolated town, but more connected than my hometown), I'm always caught off guard.

Speaking of rooms again, the snappiness when I come in and DD1 is not wanting to engage with anyone! DD1 watched part of a movie with the rest of the family last night, then retreated to her room. Fine. I came down (her bedroom is on the ground floor of our three-story house) after the movie ended to ask what time she wanted to get up this morning. She told me, then immediately added, "Now go. You're annoying me!"

This happens a few times a week. Usually, she emerges later as if nothing happened. Still, I'm spent.

I would set the boundary right here. That is incredibly rude. Kids are kids and are hormonal and blah blah blah but I call them every time on rudeness.

[erbear]

I’m sorry waverly. PM me if you want to talk but dont want to dump it here.

[dglvrk2]

DD1(seventh grade)is going through a really rough time with her two "best friends." I could use some WP perspective.
As I've mentioned before, she wants to branch out more. She's -imho- going about this in the right way. She's always up for working with new people in class, joined church youth group that kids from her school attend and is going out for softball later this spring. These are all independent of the two besties.
Fir the past two months, these two girls have been clashing with her. I think part of it is they sense she's branching out and she has other things going on besides them. Nevertheless, she's hurting. She cried a lot this afternoon. She's feeling like they're no longer her friends. She -understandably- doesn't want to deal with their behavior and she wants to spend more time with other kids. She's also shy. We live in a small town. There are relatively few groups of kids her age and they can be hard to break into.
I honestly think these two girls are not the best people for her to invest in for multiple reasons.
Oh.... This is rough.

[mommyatty]

dglvrk2- Two things. 1) 7th grade is just hard. So hugs. And 2) IMHO a group of 3 adolescent girls is always, ALWAYS a recipe for high drama. There’s always a weird dynamic where 2 will be closer and the third will feel left out. And it’s constantly shifting to which 2 are closer and who is left out. And yeah, I’m sure if your DD is branching out, they see it as a betrayal so the two of them are locking arms, which locks your DD out. I would encourage her to keep doing what she’s doing, branching out and finding new friends. And to still be kind to her two friends, just with the knowledge that friendships ebb and flow over time.

[dglvrk2]

Thanks, mommyatty
She got a few really hurtful texts from these girls last night. They both told her "everyone hates" her.
I suspect they're feeling left behind, but they're still her closest friends. In middle school code, how literal is "everyone hates"? These two girls talk to very few kids outside of their trio. They gave a few names of kids who they say don't like DD1. They're, fortunately, not people DD1 is pursuing for friendship. I want to say they're completely exaggerating, but it's crushing DD1 and I don't want to give her false information. Thoughts?

[erbear]

Mar 30, 2024 9:39:12 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

Thanks, mommyatty
She got a few really hurtful texts from these girls last night. They both told her "everyone hates" her.
I suspect they're feeling left behind, but they're still her closest friends. In middle school code, how literal is "everyone hates"? These two girls talk to very few kids outside of their trio. They gave a few names of kids who they say don't like DD1. They're, fortunately, not people DD1 is pursuing for friendship. I want to say they're completely exaggerating, but it's crushing DD1 and I don't want to give her false information. Thoughts?

That sucks.

Of course they are exaggerating. Everyone doesn’t hate her.

[mommyatty]

dglvrk2, first of all, I would screen shot those texts and send them to their parents. That’s bullying, plain and simple. If my child was acting that way, I would want to know. If my child was being treated that way, I would also want to know.

And if these girls are pretty self-contained, I would point that out to your daughter. They don’t talk to everyone and clearly not everyone likes them either. I’m quite certain that everybody does not hate her. I think these girls are pretty openly trying to scare her into retreating back to their little trio, which is really mean and manipulative.

[librarychica]

Mar 30, 2024 9:39:12 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

Thanks, mommyatty
She got a few really hurtful texts from these girls last night. They both told her "everyone hates" her.
I suspect they're feeling left behind, but they're still her closest friends. In middle school code, how literal is "everyone hates"? These two girls talk to very few kids outside of their trio. They gave a few names of kids who they say don't like DD1. They're, fortunately, not people DD1 is pursuing for friendship. I want to say they're completely exaggerating, but it's crushing DD1 and I don't want to give her false information. Thoughts?

Of course everyone doesn’t hate her. I always tell my kids, “everyone” doesn’t do anything.

We had a similar problem last year. I told DD, block her or I will call the girl’s father. It’s not good for their mental health to be bombarded with those messages, intruding into their out-of-school hours. It doesn’t have to be forever, just until the kids get over themselves or work it out among themselves.

[dglvrk2]

Thanks, librarychica
II'm debating whether or not to loop the other parents in. I read all of the texts this morning. DD1 owned up to retorting to one of the girls by telling her that a lot of people don't like her either and think she's annoying. I don't want to go over my daughter's head, but I would want to know if she was as writing things like that to other kids...

We had a serious discussion about how this kind of generalization (everyone hates you) is a form of bullying and manipulation. She knows never to write something like that on a text again. She also knows that, technically, her phone is my phone and I am responsible for its content and that the same goes with the other kids and their phones/ their parents

[waverly]

I’m kind of confused on how they got on the topic of who likes who but that is beside the point. I don’t think I would loop in the parents since your child did something very similar which you addressed. Continue to coach your child from the sidelines. What does she want to do? How does she want to handle it? It’s unclear if maybe they would feel better if she apologizes for her comment and maybe the other girl would as well.

Distancing yourself from a friend group with grace takes practice and a lot of emotional maturity. If that is ultimately the end goal/ best thing for her then I would work towards the maturity and grace part.

I’m super not great at the gray, but trying really hard to embrace the gray in relationships and understand kids will grow and change a lot so still somewhat staying in contact/ leaving the door open while still moving in the direction that is best for her. I don’t often reconnect with people but just knowing you moved on in good terms with both OK with it can be a lot better than a we don’t talk anymore again ever. Since it’s a small town these are great goals.

DD and friend had a falling out. I’m not sure how the other girl feels but well enough to still play together outside. So basically DD says she has accepted that they have different friend groups and no longer is upset about it or talking about DD behind her back. I’ve reminded DD of basic standards and she does them. So after a school year of turbulence I’m calling acceptance and nuetral as a win. They don’t have to be besties or even friends but they do need to be polite and no chat negativity or behind the back negativity.

[campermom]

What age has everyone allowed Snapchat?

[mommyatty]

campermom, I’ll tell you when we get there. Dd is almost 12 and we are still a hard pass on all social media except Facebook Messenger Kids (it’s the only way she can talk to her bff every month when bff visits her dad in NJ) and an art app she has where you can upload your art and comment on others. That one is seriously monitored for poor behavior so we feel pretty good about it. And they send me an email every time someone comments on her work or replies to one of her comments on someone else’s work.

[mae0111]

DD1 is 14.5 and DD2 is 11. No social media allowed. They both have Messenger Kids in FB but DD1 doesn’t use it. They just text their friends.

It’s getting harder to keep it off of DD1’s devices, but I’m going to hold off as long as I can. She will be in high school next year, and while I’ve definitely seen signs of maturity, she’s not there yet.

[dglvrk2]

DD1 has Snapchat. I consulted with several parents before I allowed it. It's been a couple of months. She doesn't use it much.....
No other social media for the Ds for the foreseeable future.

[erbear]

Mar 31, 2024 19:32:35 GMT -5 campermom said:

What age has everyone allowed Snapchat?

I'm still a no with 15 and 13 year olds.

[librarychica]

Snapchat is a hard no for me. I’m not firmly anti-social media, but a platform where message disappear almost instantly seems ripe for misuse.

[mae0111]

Apr 1, 2024 12:27:30 GMT -5 librarychica said:

Snapchat is a hard no for me. I’m not firmly anti-social media, but a platform where message disappear almost instantly seems ripe for misuse.

This is where I am. The kids used to say horrible things to DD1 over text, and I could easily capture that and deal with it accordingly. I did not want to deal with Snapchat in that respect. Way too hard.

[rere]

My kids obviously are old enough to have whatever social media they choose and have snapchat. We have a family group formerly called Hot Mess Express, but my pre nursing daughter renamed Bloodline. Dhs, 75 yr old dad wanted to be able to talk to Ds while he was in the army. Having a 75 year old on Snapchat has been....interesting.

[dglvrk2]

The friend challenges with DD1 continue. As I've mentioned in this post, she broke up with her two former best friends earlier this year, at the end of March. It's been over two months. I would have hoped she'd find friends who are more her type by now, but not really. She likes two other girls with whom she's done a few things with independently, but they're in another clique and don't seem to be looking to add anyone. She also snap chats with a lot of kids from school and has had some fun moments, but nothing beyond this. Moreover, her attitude towards school and people in general has really sunk lately. We STILL have two weeks of school left. I'm REALLY hoping dust settles over the summer and she has a bit of a fresh start at the beginning of next year, in 8th grade. I can only hope.

DD1 is seeing a therapist, so that is helping a bit. She also has some camps independent of school kids this summer.

UGGHHH...I'm at the point I'd offer her to transfer schools, but we live in a small town and that's not an option.

Sorry for the rant 😢

[mae0111]

dglvrk2, Ugh I'm sorry. The friend stuff is so incredibly difficult at this age, and 7th grade was brutal for DD1 too. I hope things stay relatively calm for your DD1 for the next couple of weeks, and then she can look forward to a fun summer with camps, etc. Maybe she will keep in touch with the two girls and see them over the summer enough that they'll start to pull her in to the group...

[mommyatty]

DD is going into 7th grade next year. Her two BFFs from this year are both leaving her school. I’m concerned about how that’s going to shake out for her. She has a pretty large friend group of which she appears to be a leader, but she’s still very shy with new people and slow to warm up. Around here, public school elementary ends in 6th grade, so there are likely to be quite a few new kids next year as the parents transition out of public school before junior high. I’m hoping she finds more of her people next year.

[mae0111]

mommyatty, does your DD's school do any sort of events during the summer to welcome new families? My kids' current school did a few very specific events (DD2 attended a day dedicated to the center for learning differences, for example), but their old school used to set up meet-ups during the summer. Younger kids hit a playground, older kids may have been more like hiring an ice cream truck and meeting at a ballfield with soccer balls, whiffle balls, etc. My kids used to love those meet-ups to meet new friends... It would be nice if your DD could meet a few kids before the first day...

[CrazyLucky]

DD is going into middle school next year. She had a soccer party yesterday and some of the other parents were telling me horror stories of their daughters in middle school. One came home with a big chunk of skin off of each leg because girls had put krazy glue on the toilet seat. One girl is hairier than most girls and her "friends" told everyone that she is a furry and stay away or you'll get rabies. My heart cries for these kids and I worry so much for my sweet baby girl next year.
DS goes into high school next year. I'm hoping high school stink is less bad than middle school stink.

[mommyatty]

mae0111- there’s a back to school picnic, but that’s about it.

[dglvrk2]

mommyatty, In addition to events for new families, is any special attraction given to the incoming class?

At DD1 's school, the have WEB (where everyone belongs) Day the day before school starts. 8th graders from student council (including DD1 next year)take the incoming sixth graders on a tour of the school, help them find their classrooms and answer questions. They also have some outdoor games for the sixth graders.

[sdlaura]

CrazyLucky , that's nuts.

Here, everyone seems to have good middle school stories. I think there's a much bigger focus on being kind/social emotional learning, etc. than there was when I was in middle school. Four elementary schools roll up into our middle school, so a lot of parents I know who had kids going in the past couple years were worried and considered switching their kids to private schools, but once the kids went, everyone seemed to have a good experience, and these are all very different kids whose parents I hear this from. So I'm optimistic.

DD's 6th grade promotion ceremony is this Wednesday - our elementary goes through 6th grade. Then she'll start middle school in mid-August. At the middle school tour, she already connected with some of her sports friends who went to different elementary schools. I know she's excited to be in school with them. Our elementary school only has two 6th grade classes, so that's only like 30 girls total in the grade, so when it got clique-y, there weren't that many options for different friend groups. I'm looking forward to that aspect of middle school - a bigger pond.

[186momx]

CrazyLucky, the only thing DD has said that was really horrible was the new kid who had just transferred in from another district school sexually assaulted a female student during the social (ripped her shirt and grabbed her breasts). He is no longer at school.

The true middle schools in our district do a ton to welcome incoming 6th graders. They do an evening event with food in May/June for all incoming 6th graders and another big back to school night August. Plus, all the 5th graders spend a day as a 6th grader sometime before school gets out so they can practice switching classes. K-8 schools do a move up hour where you get to meet the next grade level teachers. DD had it last week but 3 out of the 4 of the 8th grade teachers are retiring so it didn't mean much.

So far, I would say 7th has been hardest for us because of all the dating and feeling like you need to fit in. Also, so much exclusion and manipulation. Out of the 3 friends DD was wanting to come hang out with her for her birthday only 1 is talking to her right now. Why...because she is refusing to share her lunch with them.
6th graders seem to just be trying the freedom and seeing what they can get away with. The 8th graders at DD school are just ready to be done with the K-8 school.