Post by mcppalmbeach on Apr 8, 2024 9:43:36 GMT -5
Go on the registry, send a gift signed you and your H. Done. I wouldn’t worry about the book or diapers unless you want to include.
And just really don’t dwell too much on the shower invite. I wouldn’t invite someone to my shower I had never met, a family member thought it was appropriate to invite the brother’s wife regardless of circumstances. It’s probably not all that deep.
DH is not close to him. The stepbrothers mostly lived with their mom, so DH and they only lived together every other weekend. I'm not against sending a gift at all, and I will probably just send something from the registry. I know that DH's family is my family after all this time, but let's not get on a slippery slope. DH is expected to be responsible for buying gifts for his mom and sister and brother-in-law. If he forgets and they're late, or he forgets and they don't show up at all, that's on him. I'm not going to take over all gift buying just because they're my family too now.
I feel like maybe this is a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. Being invited to a single sex baby shower isn't my hill to die on. Buying a gift for someone I've never met and don't consider family isn't a hill to die on. But being the default person to do every single thing because I'm female is becoming more and more of a hill to die on for me.
I get that, but...that's not really what's happening here. This would be a valid argument if it were a couple's shower and your DH just expected you to handle everything, but it's not.
Post by emilyinchile on Apr 8, 2024 9:59:10 GMT -5
I voted buy a gift because as many others have mentioned, that's just easier for me. I realize the reasons that's easier are patriarchal bullshit, and I do sometimes make FI deal with things that create more of a mental load for me, but given the ease of just clicking "purchase" on a registry link I'd just take care of it and then be able to forget it.
Honestly I’d send a gift off the registry. It means no shipping or wrapping for me. Or honestly, I’d send nothing. I don’t send gifts for every thing I’m invited to but not attending. I think that could be flameful here.
Oh, I see. I didn’t quite understand what the deal is about the invitation coming only to you. I had to re-read a few times. I don’t think single sex showers are a hill to die on, but you do you.
I probably wouldn’t send a gift, because it’s just one more thing for me to do. If you want to expend the cash and mental energy, have something shipped directly to them.
It's not a hill to die on, but I've never met the woman. If they want it to be single sex party, ok, but to invite someone she's never met seems off to me.
Part of my DH's family does single sex showers. We're not that close, but every once and a while I'll get an invitation, but not DH. In a perfect world my DH would buy and ship the gift since it's technically his family, but as with most of us it's up to me to buy something or it doesn't get sent. I usually just buy something off the registry and then never get confirmation of receipt, or a thank you note. Maybe they don't get the note who it's from?
Either way pick something small off the registry and send it, or just ignore it all together. No need to get the extra stuff if you're not going to the shower.
I would just buy a gift off the registry and send it.
Also from a different view point, maybe rather than it being a gift grab, she (or the host) thought it would cause drama to "exclude" you from the shower.
Honestly I’d send a gift off the registry. It means no shipping or wrapping for me. Or honestly, I’d send nothing. I don’t send gifts for every thing I’m invited to but not attending. I think that could be flameful here.
I don't think it should be flameful, but I don't attend a lot of showers, just send a gift. I think OP is in the right here not to send a gift at all if they're not that close. Just because there's a blood relation doesn't mean they're obligated to send something to people who otherwise want little to do with OP or their H. Will the parents to be make an effort to introduce OP and H to the baby once they're born? Will they see each other at a family party or holiday etc.? If not, then sending a gift is really just a nice thing to help support the parents. I'm sure the mom and dad to be wouldn't be sending something to OP and H if the situation was reversed.
Edit: While I think it's nice to be invited, and I can see the argument why someone would feel obligated to invite OP given the relationship on paper, the guests of honor shouldn't, and hopefully won't, be going through a list marking down who sent a gift. Maybe they'd have feelings with a close friend or family, but if they're this distant it shouldn't really be an issue. Who knows mom and dad to be might even feel like "why did you invite SIL that we never see?" (giving her an obligation)
It's not a hill to die on, but I've never met the woman. If they want it to be single sex party, ok, but to invite someone she's never met seems off to me.
When I got married, my aunts threw me a shower in *their* hometown (where my grandma still lived) and the guests were extended family - as in, my mom’s/aunt’s cousins. I definitely did not know some of those women, lol! So having that experience myself makes me wonder who is throwing the shower and if that’s just the way they do things in that family.
I had similar happen with my bridal and baby shower. It was mostly my mom’s friends 🫠 I’m also invited a lot to cousins’ wives showers and I’ve never met them. I’m just a name on a list. Nbd. I don’t usually send anything unless I like the cousin, lol.
This is one of those things where I’d spend 5-10 minutes on it by buying something off the register, having it shipped directly and then forget about it. I wouldn’t overthink this too much.
I don’t bother with a card in situations like this where I’m not close to the recipient.
This. RSVP no, send whatever gift looks nice and costs the amount you want to spend. No book or diapers are needed. It doesn't need more thought or action than that. You may be letting your dislike for single sex showers create more mental work for you.
In this situation (weak relationship to the new parent who is related, never met their partner), I'd forward the invitation to my partner and let him deal with it. In a situation where I know/like his relative and their partner, we'd probably select gifts together.
I totally agree with you re: women only baby showers, I personally dislike them. Though I do think this invitation is trying to be inclusive of you, I assume they are inviting all sisters and sisters in law and don't want to exclude you.
That being said, I don't think this means you need to take on the labor of handling the gift if you don't want to, especially if you wouldn't if the shower invitation were to both of you.
ETA: Because it is a sibling, even without a close relationship, I think you (collectively) should send something if you generally give siblings gifts when they have babies. But in my relationship, I'd consider this my partner's responsibility, and consider my job done when I RSVPed no and sent him the registry info. If he asked for my input on what to send, I'd suggest either something off the registry or a gift card.
I agree that inviting someone who has never met the guest of honor is nuts. But I wouldn't necessarily place the blame on the mom to be. In my family, showers are generally thrown by a grandparent or aunt, and that generation is all about propriety and "you *have* to invite so and so" even if it's a stretch like this one is. I'm guessing that's what happened here. I can almost guarantee you that the mom to be doesn't give two shits, and she has more important things to deal with right now than stopping grandma or aunt Jean from inviting people she's never met.
I feel like maybe this is a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. Being invited to a single sex baby shower isn't my hill to die on. Buying a gift for someone I've never met and don't consider family isn't a hill to die on. But being the default person to do every single thing because I'm female is becoming more and more of a hill to die on for me.
A ha. I should have read all the replies before commenting. I was kinda wondering why this was even a minor big deal to you and this explains it. I agree that the bolded is a valid issue and one to address. But in this particular case, since the invitation was issued only to you, I'd handle the RSVP and gift myself and then address the issue going forward. If you're buying the Christmas gifts and birthday gifts and sending the Christmas cards and whatever else there is, that's where to push off his family's stuff onto him.
This can be a good catalyst to talk about it with him. "This shower invitation was bugging me and I couldn't figure out why, and then it hit me...." That conversation should end with him agreeing to take on his family's stuff, or at least with him being fully aware that you aren't doing it anymore. Whether he follows through with it or not is not your problem.
I feel like maybe this is a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. Being invited to a single sex baby shower isn't my hill to die on. Buying a gift for someone I've never met and don't consider family isn't a hill to die on. But being the default person to do every single thing because I'm female is becoming more and more of a hill to die on for me.
A ha. I should have read all the replies before commenting. I was kinda wondering why this was even a minor big deal to you and this explains it. I agree that the bolded is a valid issue and one to address. But in this particular case, since the invitation was issued only to you, I'd handle the RSVP and gift myself and then address the issue going forward. If you're buying the Christmas gifts and birthday gifts and sending the Christmas cards and whatever else there is, that's where to push off his family's stuff onto him.
This can be a good catalyst to talk about it with him. "This shower invitation was bugging me and I couldn't figure out why, and then it hit me...." That conversation should end with him agreeing to take on his family's stuff, or at least with him being fully aware that you aren't doing it anymore. Whether he follows through with it or not is not your problem.
I didn't mean to imply that he doesn't take care of his family's stuff. He does. In my mind, this goes along with it. I have no complaint with DH here.
I’m not close with H’s family and his cousins are in a similar tier as this family sounds like. When they had babies, he handled any gifts. So I voted let your H decide.
However it also depends to me if you are local. If you could have attended the shower but don’t want to, I’d probably send a small gift. If they are far away and knew there was no way you’d be able to go, it would feel like a gift grab and I’d probably not send anything or tell H to deal with it.
I didn't mean to imply that he doesn't take care of his family's stuff. He does. In my mind, this goes along with it. I have no complaint with DH here.
Oh ok. Then I’m back to not fully understanding what the issue is. lol. But my answer remains the same, send a gift and move on from thinking about this event.
Honestly, I probably would not send a gift in this situation. It's very nice to but when I received these types of invites that I don't go to, I don't send a gift.
I'm kind of surprised at how many people wouldn't send a gift! I know that they don't know each other well, but it is a sibling, and it doesn't sound like they have a *bad* relationship, just not a close one. I'm totally for not sending gifts just because you're invited to a shower if it's a random friend or more distant relative, but a sibling feels like a different category to me. And I'm really not a gift person in general, so the fact that I'm more pro gift than several others is new for me! Lol
But in any case, OP - since your H handles gifts for his family, I'd let him be the one to decide if this is a gift giving situation given his family dynamics.
Post by DarcyLongfellow on Apr 8, 2024 17:05:51 GMT -5
I can almost guarantee you the conversation went something like, "oh, but you have to invite CrazyLucky" "I'm not sure about that, we've never met." "But she's your sister in law - you can't leave her out!" I doubt it's intended as a gift grab.
I also view the diapers and book as in-person things. I'd send a gift from the registry. I'd also, if I remembered, send a book as a welcome gift after the baby is born.
I'm kind of surprised at how many people wouldn't send a gift! I know that they don't know each other well, but it is a sibling, and it doesn't sound like they have a *bad* relationship, just not a close one. I'm totally for not sending gifts just because you're invited to a shower if it's a random friend or more distant relative, but a sibling feels like a different category to me. And I'm really not a gift person in general, so the fact that I'm more pro gift than several others is new for me! Lol
But in any case, OP - since your H handles gifts for his family, I'd let him be the one to decide if this is a gift giving situation given his family dynamics.
I agree with previous posts that there is no right or wrong answer here, but I'm generally surprised by how many people send gifts in a lot of the situations that come up on this board. I'm not arguing, I'm just not one to send a gift unless we are close, and that's just how I am. I also think it's something I'd pass off to my H as in "do you want to send a gift to your brother? Here's the info." I'd 100% not think that I need to send a gift to someone I've never met and married to someone I barely know, even if it's my H's step-brother. And if my H wasn't even close enough to want to send a gift, well then /shrug
I’m trying to imagine if it’s DH’s brother who we are mostly estranged/ not close with. I would probably ask DH if he wants to send a gift and DH would say no.
But let’s just say DH’s relationship was closer and he said yes then asking him to do it kind of depends on my mood. I typically have more time to click a link on a registry and ship the item. What I would not do is shop in person then go to the post office in person to ship it. So no diapers or books unless I can ship directly from Amazon or their registry to them.
I do have a problem with DH and gifts for his family. I don’t do birthdays etc anymore but I still do Christmas and it does make me resentful so I do understand that, but clicking in a registry to ship is a level I can handle without resentment.
I'm kind of surprised at how many people wouldn't send a gift! I know that they don't know each other well, but it is a sibling, and it doesn't sound like they have a *bad* relationship, just not a close one. I'm totally for not sending gifts just because you're invited to a shower if it's a random friend or more distant relative, but a sibling feels like a different category to me.
Regarding the literal question- yes, I would send a registry gift, probably in the $25-30 range. I wouldn't worry about book or diapers. However, I don't fault you for not being interested in spending the time or money.
In my experience, invitations like this to not cause drama regarding those not invited like PP said. Did your DH grow up with the step siblings? They are obviously not close but does he have warm feelings about them at all? Does he consider them family?
I'm kind of surprised at how many people wouldn't send a gift! I know that they don't know each other well, but it is a sibling, and it doesn't sound like they have a *bad* relationship, just not a close one. I'm totally for not sending gifts just because you're invited to a shower if it's a random friend or more distant relative, but a sibling feels like a different category to me.
I am too. It’s just a small nicety for family.
I agree with these takes. Especially with how easy it is to just order something online and ship it directly, I don’t get being hung up on this. OP spent more time and energy making this post than it would have taken to just send a small gift and be done with it.