I can almost guarantee you the conversation went something like, "oh, but you have to invite CrazyLucky" "I'm not sure about that, we've never met." "But she's your sister in law - you can't leave her out!" I doubt it's intended as a gift grab.
I also view the diapers and book as in-person things. I'd send a gift from the registry. I'd also, if I remembered, send a book as a welcome gift after the baby is born.
Omg yes. For my sisters shower my mom kept wanting to invite people my sister had not seen in over 30 years but were technically family . My mom wanted everyone to be included and not feel left out but I had to dispel her from this line of thought bc it looks like a brazen gift grab. That wasn’t her intention, she felt people would be terribly upset not to get an invite but I told her they could blame me for that if it actually happened.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Post by fivechickens on Apr 9, 2024 7:28:49 GMT -5
Like others have said, I would send/have H send a small gift (a book (because I love books) and a gift card or diapers) but I also don’t think it’s wrong to not send a gift.
I also don’t think it’s a gift grab but most likely the person planning the shower thinking ‘oh hey uncle and aunt of new baby… gotta invite the aunt’.
Regarding the literal question- yes, I would send a registry gift, probably in the $25-30 range. I wouldn't worry about book or diapers. However, I don't fault you for not being interested in spending the time or money.
In my experience, invitations like this to not cause drama regarding those not invited like PP said. Did your DH grow up with the step siblings? They are obviously not close but does he have warm feelings about them at all? Does he consider them family?
There's no animosity, but no closeness either. MIL and step-FIL married when DH was 15 and SBIL was 13. SBIL lived with his mother except every other weekend. So I wouldn't say they grew up together. I can't imagine that we will ever see SBIL again.
I agree with these takes. Especially with how easy it is to just order something online and ship it directly, I don’t get being hung up on this. OP spent more time and energy making this post than it would have taken to just send a small gift and be done with it.
Well, for one thing, I was interested in other perspectives, so thank you for that. But I disagree with your point as a whole. It's easier for me to change the sheets every week than to ask DH to do it and get frustrated if he doesn't. It's easier for me to pick up the kids' shoes for the 100th time than to tell them to do it. It's easier for me to design a heat exchanger than to show someone else how to do it. We can't keep doing everything just because it's easier for us to do it than to wait for someone else to do it.
Post by Leeham Rimes on Apr 9, 2024 8:07:32 GMT -5
I would just get something off the registry. I hate shopping with a passion but a couple clicks on my phone is easy enough that it wouldn’t bother me.
What bothers me with gift giving is having to think of stuff to give to people, and then actually getting said gift/wrapping/etc. Registries make it very easy. I’ve bought stuff for cousins and similar extended family i haven’t seen in 30 years. We’re not close and I couldn’t pick them out of a line up but the ease of purchasing a little something dissolves any kind of “I don’t feel like it” mood. At least for me.
And for whatever reason, it seems fairly —I don’t want to say traditional necessarily but old school maybe, to invite the female of a couple to a baby shower. I’ve honestly never been to a shower where the couples are invited or the male is bc they’re the most related ones.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
I will also say, given how much the board has talked about the disproportional mental load that women often take on in straight relationships, I'm also surprised at how many people would handle the gift themselves rather than passing it on to their partners!
It seems like there are really 2 questions here, the first is whether OP and her H should get a gift in this scenario (my vote is yes here, and it seems like the majority agree - though I think that her H should make the final decision). And the second question is, if they should get a gift, who should purchase it. Given that OP and her H have an arrangement that he buys gifts for his family, I firmly think he should handle it. Yes, it would only take her 5 mins, but it would also only take him 5 mins!
I will also say, given how much the board has talked about the disproportional mental load that women often take on in straight relationships, I'm also surprised at how many people would handle the gift themselves rather than passing it on to their partners!
It seems like there are really 2 questions here, the first is whether OP and her H should get a gift in this scenario (my vote is yes here, and it seems like the majority agree - though I think that her H should make the final decision). And the second question is, if they should get a gift, who should purchase it. Given that OP and her H have an arrangement that he buys gifts for his family, I firmly think he should handle it. Yes, it would only take her 5 mins, but it would also only take him 5 mins!
I get this, but also, if I'm going to complain about mental load to him, I'm not going to do it on an isolated 5 minute task (that I honestly kind of enjoy lol). I like perusing baby registries and buying that stuff.
I'm also in the camp that I think it was nice to extend the invitation to her, though. I don't see it as a gift grab, but just a way to reach out.
Imagine inviting a person you've never met to a party where you're celebrating someone coming out of your vagina.
Ha! Somewhere else on the internet is probably step sil who is talking about how awkward it is that the shower host invited someone she doesn’t know. Or is saying how flabbergasted she is that people would suggest she not invite OP because she is husbands step brother’s wife.
I agree with these takes. Especially with how easy it is to just order something online and ship it directly, I don’t get being hung up on this. OP spent more time and energy making this post than it would have taken to just send a small gift and be done with it.
Well, for one thing, I was interested in other perspectives, so thank you for that. But I disagree with your point as a whole. It's easier for me to change the sheets every week than to ask DH to do it and get frustrated if he doesn't. It's easier for me to pick up the kids' shoes for the 100th time than to tell them to do it. It's easier for me to design a heat exchanger than to show someone else how to do it. We can't keep doing everything just because it's easier for us to do it than to wait for someone else to do it.
Respectfully, you're overthinking it. You were the invitee, not your H; we can go around about gender roles but baby showers are traditionally female oriented. I'm guessing you were invited because they consider you family. It's not that deep.
My H handles gifting for his side of the family. He gets Amazon wishlists for Christmas and birthdays and all I do is bag or wrap whatever shows up at the house. For showers I handled the gifts with his input on price range ("how much should I spend on your cousin's baby shower gift?"). Done, next.
I will also say, given how much the board has talked about the disproportional mental load that women often take on in straight relationships, I'm also surprised at how many people would handle the gift themselves rather than passing it on to their partners!
It seems like there are really 2 questions here, the first is whether OP and her H should get a gift in this scenario (my vote is yes here, and it seems like the majority agree - though I think that her H should make the final decision). And the second question is, if they should get a gift, who should purchase it. Given that OP and her H have an arrangement that he buys gifts for his family, I firmly think he should handle it. Yes, it would only take her 5 mins, but it would also only take him 5 mins!
I think there’s so much variation in relationships it’s not really cut and paste. For me, I don’t care about gift stuff so long as I can either phone it in (buy something on Amazon, or a yearly gift of food from the same place) or give photo presents. If h has specific desires, he can handle it but we have a good routine, we only do presents on Christmas. He only has two family members that we buy for (his dad and his sister). On birthdays he handles and takes his dad out to dinner.
Mental load for me is more the daily running of the house and not one off items like yearly presents that I have down to a science and takes no thought and beyond little effort.
But it’s definitely different for everyone so if gift handling is their hill, I’d support them in that. Would I do it? No. Is it wrong for someone else to? Also no. So much variation!!
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Well, for one thing, I was interested in other perspectives, so thank you for that. But I disagree with your point as a whole. It's easier for me to change the sheets every week than to ask DH to do it and get frustrated if he doesn't. It's easier for me to pick up the kids' shoes for the 100th time than to tell them to do it. It's easier for me to design a heat exchanger than to show someone else how to do it. We can't keep doing everything just because it's easier for us to do it than to wait for someone else to do it.
Respectfully, you're overthinking it. You were the invitee, not your H; we can go around about gender roles but baby showers are traditionally female oriented. I'm guessing you were invited because they consider you family. It's not that deep.
My H handles gifting for his side of the family. He gets Amazon wishlists for Christmas and birthdays and all I do is bag or wrap whatever shows up at the house. For showers I handled the gifts with his input on price range ("how much should I spend on your cousin's baby shower gift?"). Done, next.
This is where I land, too. If I'm the only one invited to a shower or party - regardless of how I'm related to the guest of honor, the gift I send (or bring, if I go to the event) is from ME. I never, ever sign the card from me & DH, because he wasn't invited. So if I'm the one who was invited, and the gift is from me, it makes sense that I'm the one to handle the logistics of getting it.
Post by wanderingback on Apr 9, 2024 11:13:07 GMT -5
I didn’t have a huge baby shower and it was for both genders, but my mom def invited people that I pretty much have no relationship with. I think this is how these things go for weddings and baby showers.
As far as who should buy the gift, if it was addressed to me I wouldn’t mind or feel offended. I would just go on the registry and pick something since neither of you have a personal relationship with this person. Obviously I don’t know the financial situation of the people in this scenario but I think anytime you can help out new parents is a nice gesture.
But my partner does equally 50% of the mental load in our household, so this wouldn’t be a big deal to me personally to take care of.
Well, for one thing, I was interested in other perspectives, so thank you for that. But I disagree with your point as a whole. It's easier for me to change the sheets every week than to ask DH to do it and get frustrated if he doesn't. It's easier for me to pick up the kids' shoes for the 100th time than to tell them to do it. It's easier for me to design a heat exchanger than to show someone else how to do it. We can't keep doing everything just because it's easier for us to do it than to wait for someone else to do it.
Respectfully, you're overthinking it. You were the invitee, not your H; we can go around about gender roles but baby showers are traditionally female oriented. I'm guessing you were invited because they consider you family. It's not that deep.
My H handles gifting for his side of the family. He gets Amazon wishlists for Christmas and birthdays and all I do is bag or wrap whatever shows up at the house. For showers I handled the gifts with his input on price range ("how much should I spend on your cousin's baby shower gift?"). Done, next.
This! My goodness, a gift could have been ordered in a fraction of the time all of THIS has taken! You were the invitee, just order a gift and it’s done!
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
Respectfully, you're overthinking it. You were the invitee, not your H; we can go around about gender roles but baby showers are traditionally female oriented. I'm guessing you were invited because they consider you family. It's not that deep.
My H handles gifting for his side of the family. He gets Amazon wishlists for Christmas and birthdays and all I do is bag or wrap whatever shows up at the house. For showers I handled the gifts with his input on price range ("how much should I spend on your cousin's baby shower gift?"). Done, next.
This! My goodness, a gift could have been ordered in a fraction of the time all of THIS has taken! You were the invitee, just order a gift and it’s done!
There might be underlying things going on with OP that this sent them over the edge. We all have a straw that broke the camel’s back!
This! My goodness, a gift could have been ordered in a fraction of the time all of THIS has taken! You were the invitee, just order a gift and it’s done!
There might be underlying things going on with OP that this sent them over the edge. We all have a straw that broke the camel’s back!
Def a weird hill!! Ha And OP I’d be WAY more upset if he’s not helping with daily/weekly chores than THIS!
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
There might be underlying things going on with OP that this sent them over the edge. We all have a straw that broke the camel’s back!
Def a weird hill!! Ha And OP I’d be WAY more upset if he’s not helping with daily/weekly chores than THIS!
Right?! Like if your H isn't helping with the laundry or kids' activities or calling the plumber, deal with that. This is a weird thing to be annoyed by.
Def a weird hill!! Ha And OP I’d be WAY more upset if he’s not helping with daily/weekly chores than THIS!
Right?! Like if your H isn't helping with the laundry or kids' activities or calling the plumber, deal with that. This is a weird thing to be annoyed by.
But this is precisely the type of thing that would have irritated me to no end in the periods of my marriage during which I felt our division of household and family labor was inequitable. I had trouble verbalizing it when it was recurrent, seemingly-small chores, but it was far easier for me to point to a small, specific one-off and say, "THIS SHOULD BE YOUR SHIT TO DO! WHY AM I DOING YOUR SHIT!?"
Right?! Like if your H isn't helping with the laundry or kids' activities or calling the plumber, deal with that. This is a weird thing to be annoyed by.
But this is precisely the type of thing that would have irritated me to no end in the periods of my marriage during which I felt our division of household and family labor was inequitable. I had trouble verbalizing it when it was recurrent, seemingly-small chores, but it was far easier for me to point to a small, specific one-off and say, "THIS SHOULD BE YOUR SHIT TO DO! WHY AM I DOING YOUR SHIT!?"
If I'm invited to the shower, I'm sending a gift.
I asked earlier in the thread if there was an imbalance and OP replied that there wasn’t and that she had no complaint with her DH. But then she has made a few “why am I expected to do everything” type of comments. CrazyLucky if your issue isn’t with your DH, who is it with? Who is expecting you to do everything if it’s not your spouse? We’re three pages in and I still can’t really tell what exactly about this situation bothers you so much.
But this is precisely the type of thing that would have irritated me to no end in the periods of my marriage during which I felt our division of household and family labor was inequitable. I had trouble verbalizing it when it was recurrent, seemingly-small chores, but it was far easier for me to point to a small, specific one-off and say, "THIS SHOULD BE YOUR SHIT TO DO! WHY AM I DOING YOUR SHIT!?"
If I'm invited to the shower, I'm sending a gift.
I asked earlier in the thread if there was an imbalance and OP replied that there wasn’t and that she had no complaint with her DH. But then she has made a few “why am I expected to do everything” type of comments. CrazyLucky if your issue isn’t with your DH, who is it with? Who is expecting you to do everything if it’s not your spouse? We’re three pages in and I still can’t really tell what exactly about this situation bothers you so much.
But this is precisely the type of thing that would have irritated me to no end in the periods of my marriage during which I felt our division of household and family labor was inequitable. I had trouble verbalizing it when it was recurrent, seemingly-small chores, but it was far easier for me to point to a small, specific one-off and say, "THIS SHOULD BE YOUR SHIT TO DO! WHY AM I DOING YOUR SHIT!?"
If I'm invited to the shower, I'm sending a gift.
I asked earlier in the thread if there was an imbalance and OP replied that there wasn’t and that she had no complaint with her DH. But then she has made a few “why am I expected to do everything” type of comments. CrazyLucky if your issue isn’t with your DH, who is it with? Who is expecting you to do everything if it’s not your spouse? We’re three pages in and I still can’t really tell what exactly about this situation bothers you so much.
Not the OP, but I can imagine this being an issue with her H's family even if it's not with her H. This sometimes happens with my partner's family - while we have an equal split, his family often assumes that I'm in charge of all household/parenting related tasks and then directs all questions about them to me, which I find kind of annoying. But that's why if a situation like this happened to me, I'd just RSVP no, then give the registry info to my partner for him to deal with. It's what I do with similar requests from his family.
I would order something on the smaller side from the registry, and move on. DH has a large extended family, so we've received quite a few invitations to showers for people we don't know. He's the youngest cousin on both sides of two very large families. Many times we receive invitations for his 2nd cousins, as they're closer in age. But... we've only met them once, twice, if that. I assume it's an older aunt or 1st cousin not putting much thought into how close we are, and adding our names (or just mine!) to the invitation.
I will say that when I was pregnant or engaged and received an unexpected gift from a more distant relative I was really touched. It meant someone took the time to relay our news, and the recipient of such news wanted to celebrate us.
Sounds like this is MIL’s step kid. Are you close with mil? Other females who may be invited as well? Even not being close to the mom or dad to be, I’d assume maybe you have a relationship with others in the family. To me it seems very logical to be invited unless you have had a falling out with everyone on that side of the family. The mother to be is not planning it, surely whoever is planning thinks you are part of the family and should be invited. So that to me is not weird at all. And yeah it’s your dh’s family but I really don’t think couple showers have become super popular.
I have been in similar situation. Dh has a bunch of cousins and he’s not really close with them. So I never really got to know them and have only seen them here and there. I was definitely invited to showers where I barely knew the person. And for sure when his family threw me showers - they invited family members I didn’t really know. I generally decline the rsvp and send a gift from registry, which is what I would do here. And who sends it really doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to deal, give dh the registry info and have him send it. My Dh handles all normal gifts for his side of family. But in cases like this I just order off registry myself. But make him if you don’t want to. I totally get being frustrated with gender norms and having to do certain things, but I wouldn’t be bothered by the invite or having to send a gift.
I agree with these takes. Especially with how easy it is to just order something online and ship it directly, I don’t get being hung up on this. OP spent more time and energy making this post than it would have taken to just send a small gift and be done with it.
Well, for one thing, I was interested in other perspectives, so thank you for that. But I disagree with your point as a whole. It's easier for me to change the sheets every week than to ask DH to do it and get frustrated if he doesn't. It's easier for me to pick up the kids' shoes for the 100th time than to tell them to do it. It's easier for me to design a heat exchanger than to show someone else how to do it. We can't keep doing everything just because it's easier for us to do it than to wait for someone else to do it.
I guess the difference here is that I think you are overthinking all of this and I wouldn't be waiting or expecting someone else to do it since I was the only one invited. I understand thinking same-sex showers are stupid, and I tend to agree, but you can't control someone else's party and who they invite. To me, this just isn't the same as another invite where I'd make my DH get the gift because it's his family. It's not like a kid's birthday party or Christmas where everyone is invited but somehow you are responsible for getting all the gifts for his whole family, etc., and it isn't like your husband or kids not doing their chores around the house, either.
I don't know, I am typically the first in line to rail against the patriarchy, but this just isn't it for me.
I asked earlier in the thread if there was an imbalance and OP replied that there wasn’t and that she had no complaint with her DH. But then she has made a few “why am I expected to do everything” type of comments. CrazyLucky if your issue isn’t with your DH, who is it with? Who is expecting you to do everything if it’s not your spouse? We’re three pages in and I still can’t really tell what exactly about this situation bothers you so much.
Not the OP, but I can imagine this being an issue with her H's family even if it's not with her H. This sometimes happens with my partner's family - while we have an equal split, his family often assumes that I'm in charge of all household/parenting related tasks and then directs all questions about them to me, which I find kind of annoying. But that's why if a situation like this happened to me, I'd just RSVP no, then give the registry info to my partner for him to deal with. It's what I do with similar requests from his family.
But...this isn't that. Again, we can disagree all we want about whether or not showers should be single-gender only, but the fact is that this one is and only OP is invited. It's not a household or a parenting related task. It's a party, to which OP was invited out of common courtesy. I am pretty sure that if just her husband were invited to one of those diaper parties that men seem to throw, we wouldn't expect her to buy the diapers, whether it was her family or his.
This really started as just would you send a gift and if so, would you send it or should DH send it. Just a question. Everyone who thinks I am reading too much into it is reading too much into it! LOL. I think DH and I are unfortunately typical where he does his fair share of the physical load, but I do 95% of the mental load. But he does handle gifts for his family.
It sounds like it's different by family or personal experience. I had two baby showers because each family held one since they don't live near each other. I'd have been mortified if someone I never met was invited. And, while I've been invited to about a million showers, I've never been invited to one for someone I've never met. So that is weird to me.
Anyway, to give closure, I told DH I RSVP'd no and gave him the registry information. He can order something or not, up to him. He said he'd take care of it.
Post by lemoncupcake on Apr 9, 2024 15:54:15 GMT -5
I will say that as someone who doesn’t have step siblings, it seems bizarre in my mind that you haven’t met the mom-to-be and don’t anticipate seeing her or your husbands step brother at any future events. That’s just what sticks out to me in the “why would you invite strangers” aspect of your question of the situation.
Anyway, to give closure, I told DH I RSVP'd no and gave him the registry information. He can order something or not, up to him. He said he'd take care of it.
This is what I would have done. And he wouldn’t have actually bought the gift, but if I didn’t know the person or really care, I’d not even follow up with him.
Even divorced, it’s really hard to separate that mental load division. We both get baseball messages and the team is going to an MLB game as a group. I said our “family” was in for 2 tickets. When the details came with the date, it falls on one of XH’s days. Today I asked if he’d placed the order because it’ll be ending soon. “Hasn’t even been on my radar”.
I get it. Life is a lot right now. But it’s always been a lot for me and clearly still is! And I’m not letting DS miss out on this fun event with his team, so OF COURSE, I’ll follow up and probably end up buying the damn tickets. But if I do, I’m going and he can miss out.
I agree with these takes. Especially with how easy it is to just order something online and ship it directly, I don’t get being hung up on this. OP spent more time and energy making this post than it would have taken to just send a small gift and be done with it.
Well, for one thing, I was interested in other perspectives, so thank you for that. But I disagree with your point as a whole. It's easier for me to change the sheets every week than to ask DH to do it and get frustrated if he doesn't. It's easier for me to pick up the kids' shoes for the 100th time than to tell them to do it. It's easier for me to design a heat exchanger than to show someone else how to do it. We can't keep doing everything just because it's easier for us to do it than to wait for someone else to do it.
Ah ok, so this isn't really about this situation in particular but a bigger issue you feel this situation is a symptom of.
To answer the original question, the invitation was extended to me. I'd buy a gift off the registry and have it shipped.