I've deleted most of my posts, but a bit of an update/non-update: I delayed on pressuring my parents for a time commitment because my dad had a medical procedure and then they were on vacation. My sister has been asking for updates on a decision because she really wants us there and my mom was not engaging. She finally told my mom to stop jerking us around, she wants us there, and my boundaries are firm (go sis!).
My mom has not engaged with me at all since she was back from vacation, but has spoken to my daughter. I texted my mom this morning that I need to figure out my plans and that I needed to know by Friday. I also said that I didn't want to hear back from her until she figures this out (barring medical issues/emergency) because I just don't have the bandwith to deal. Having her send me her Wordle scores every morning when giving me radio silence on the things I wanted an answer on was driving me crazy.
Post by mysteriouswife on Apr 8, 2024 10:48:16 GMT -5
Family relationships are difficult and sometimes it’s unavoidable. I’m sorry you are being put in this situation. Can you still go to the rental and have alternate plans? Maybe see if another person wants your rental?
Post by nuggetbrain on Apr 8, 2024 10:49:14 GMT -5
I mean, without knowing the specifics of the issue (and I'm not asking, BTW) it feels like the parents are being asked to pick between which of their children they want there. I'm not surprised they are trying to avoid having to make that decision.
I don’t know what happened with your brother, nor does it matter, but if your mom invited you knowing that you wouldn’t come if your brother was there and now she’s trying to guilt you, I would just ignore her. Simply say you know that I will not be around him nor will my children so I will not be there. If she says he doesn’t know yet for sure, I would hold firm and say you’re not waiting around to find out. If he’s still living at home I’m guessing there is no way she isn’t aware of this and should have known this would happen-it’s not your fault, it’s hers.
I do not talk to my brother nor do I want him around my child. My parents are aware of this but always seem to think that I’ll just say “oh, he’s not a complete asshole, and I’ve been wrong this whole time.” Nope…and I don’t feel one bit guilty about it.
ETA…and bears, I completely get your sadness when your parents pick someone who I’m guessing does all the wrong things and act like you don’t matter. If you haven’t done so I highly recommend seeing a counselor who can help you unpack all the baggage that comes with it.
I mean, without knowing the specifics of the issue (and I'm not asking, BTW) it feels like the parents are being asked to pick between which of their children they want there. I'm not surprised they are trying to avoid having to make that decision.
I'm here. I 1000% get being disappointed and annoyed, but as someone who has immediate family members who won't be in the same room as one another its exhausting and frankly, not my issue to mitigate.
ETA: with further updates I feel differently. If you have legit safety concerns stemming from past behavior I can understand anger that your parents aren't taking that into account.
I mean, without knowing the specifics of the issue (and I'm not asking, BTW) it feels like the parents are being asked to pick between which of their children they want there. I'm not surprised they are trying to avoid having to make that decision.
I agree with this. What a difficult situation for everyone. Since your brother lives with your parents I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t come up before. Do your kids know about you not talking to your brother? If I’m remembering correctly your kids are a bit older and would be able to understand so I def think being open with them about this is would be a good idea so it can help set up expectations and navigate things in the future.
Did you expect your parents to tell your brother he couldn’t come? I don’t mean that in a snarky way, I’m just trying to understand why you’re so angry with your parents, specifically.
It sounds like your mom was giving you a heads up so that you could make a decision about whether you want to go rather than being blindsided by him being there.
I mean, without knowing the specifics of the issue (and I'm not asking, BTW) it feels like the parents are being asked to pick between which of their children they want there. I'm not surprised they are trying to avoid having to make that decision.
This sounds really tough. How do you typically handle time spent with your parents since your brother lives with them? I’m thinking about established precedent here that you could apply to this situation. Does he leave or do you parents only come to see you at your house? Could you arrange a way to alternate times (ie you go the Friday events and he goes to the Saturday events) you’d be there so you could still participate in the extended family gathering without actually seeing your brother?
Post by donutsmakemegonuts on Apr 8, 2024 11:04:27 GMT -5
Is the place that you rented separate from the place where the event is taking place? Meaning, could you still go to your rental and have sister and niece meet with just you and your family and skip the event? Or is the rental for all the family and now your brother will be there?
If you're not comfortable with seeing your brother I would try to find another way to meet up with your sister and niece since that seems important to you and your kids.
Is a weekend of activities or just a main event? Could you still go and see some people and just not go to whatever your brother would attend?
It is annoying since avoiding him as apparently worked well for years but it does sort like sort of a funeral level of event where everyone from all over is coming together at once so if he’d go to a funeral, I can see why he’d attend this. At least it isn’t an ambush and you have time to plan.
Did you expect your parents to tell your brother he couldn’t come? I don’t mean that in a snarky way, I’m just trying to understand why you’re so angry with your parents, specifically..
Family relationships are difficult and sometimes it’s unavoidable. I’m sorry you are being put in this situation. Can you still go to the rental and have alternate plans? Maybe see if another person wants your rental?
I was wondering about this too, not knowing where this is or what the occasion is. Could you just keep the rental and invite the people you want to see over there for some amount of time and skip whatever your brother will be at?
Post by followyourarrow on Apr 8, 2024 11:07:45 GMT -5
That's a tough situation. Can you go anyway, but only participate in side events that your brother won't be at? This way your kids could still see their cousins.
I am going to assume that this is just one of a million examples you have where you have felt like your parents choose your brother over you and your family in the interest of "staying neutral". I can also see how it may feel like your brother is leaving his attendance up in the air to make things difficult for you.
I would still go and avoid him just to not give him the satisfaction of you missing out. I don't know if anything I said is reality or perception, but I would be pissed at the idea that my kids had to miss out when I wasn't in the wrong.
I don’t know what happened with your brother, nor does it matter, but if your mom invited you knowing that you wouldn’t come if your brother was there and now she’s trying to guilt you, I would just ignore her. Simply say you know that I will not be around him nor will my children so I will not be there. If she says he doesn’t know yet for sure, I would hold firm and say you’re not waiting around to find out. If he’s still living at home I’m guessing there is no way she isn’t aware of this and should have known this would happen-it’s not your fault, it’s hers.
I do not talk to my brother nor do I want him around my child. My parents are aware of this but always seem to think that I’ll just say “oh, he’s not a complete asshole, and I’ve been wrong this whole time.” Nope…and I don’t feel one bit guilty about it.
ETA…and bears , I completely get your sadness when your parents pick someone who I’m guessing does all the wrong things and act like you don’t matter. If you haven’t done so I highly recommend seeing a counselor who can help you unpack all the baggage that comes with it.
I've seen your posts about your brother and it SO reminds me of my family dynamic. I made my boundaries really clear and my mom has always pushed against them. Like, trying to get me to come over their house when *surprise* he's there...or being on a video call with me and my kid and *surprise* he's on the call. I have had to be a total hard ass because I will not have him in my life and anything less than being really hard about it made my mom think there was some wiggle room.
I really should talk about this with someone because when this shit pops up it is so fucking hard. I have been having trouble sleeping and I'm so upset that I'm going to upset my kids. They talk about this literally every day.
I have a similar situation with BIL. For years they lived in another state and only visited once a year, I just stayed away from inlaws and avoided them. But they moved back last fall.
I don't talk to him at all. But I will be cordial to his wife (hello, bye, and thats about it). But I adore his kids. Its not their fault their dad is an asshole.
I just literally ignore him. I don't make eye contact, or wven look in hos direction. I walk away when he comes near. that said, I dont want to ever put my ILs in the middle. My DH knows my stance and we just handle things as they come up. DH only says enough to
My kids are teens and I don't expect them to interact but I'd they do, it's something I'll need to deal with. luckily, my BIL is such a piece of crap, he won't talk to them anyway so they ignore him as well. 🤷‍♀️
I'd try and go for your kids sake and it's not fair you need to miss the event. I'd just stay away from him.
I have a similar situation with BIL. For years they lived in another state and only visited once a year, I just stayed away from inlaws and avoided them. But they moved back last fall.
I don't talk to him at all. But I will be cordial to his wife (hello, bye, and thats about it). But I adore his kids. Its not their fault their dad is an asshole.
I just literally ignore him. I don't make eye contact, or wven look in hos direction. I walk away when he comes near. that said, I dont want to ever put my ILs in the middle. My DH knows my stance and we just handle things as they come up. DH only says enough to
My kids are teens and I don't expect them to interact but I'd they do, it's something I'll need to deal with. luckily, my BIL is such a piece of crap, he won't talk to them anyway so they ignore him as well. 🤷‍♀️
I'd try and go for your kids sake and it's not fair you need to miss the event. I'd just stay away from him.
To the posters saying “just go and ignore him” I know you think you’re being helpful, but you’re poo-pooing her boundaries (just like her parents are), which are VERY clear from the post.
I totally get that you don’t want yourself or your kids around this man. I don’t know what your financial situation is, but can you repurpose the AirBnB money to find some other way for your kids to spend time with the folks that are leaving the country? Perhaps there is some creative way to give the kids some time with the people they care about the most and will be the least likely to see for a while.
I do think you have to reach a point where you are no longer surprised by your parent’s behavior. A therapist can help with this.
I'd be mad too. You don't feel safe. They know it. They have allowed him essentially to make the decision for all of you by being passive.
I understand, sort of, from their side given that they have to pick you or him (since it appears your sister is OK with his presence) and you're both their kids. I get the impulse not to want to actively say no to either one.
But I remember how angry I was when my BFF was nice to my horrible ex boyfriend when she was waiting tables and he was seated in her section. And that's a friend. And an ex boyfriend I otherwise never have to see or think about again. And he was with friends and family and she was trying to get a tip.
So I can only imagine how hurt and mad I'd be in your situation.
So is it like missing just a cookout or is it a weekend of family reunion type events?
If it's only one event, I would probably go and just avoid him. But if it's a weekend, that would be harder and I would possibly cancel plans.
Family reunion type weekend. I have been speaking to my mom for MONTHS about these plans. MH and I were staying by ourselves and my kids would be staying with my parents/sister/niece (not enough room for all of us). So this setup is completely untenable from any approach because my brother could be stopping by when my kids are there and MH and I are not.
I'm just so annoyed that she knows my boundaries, agreed with a plan, and now is throwing this curveball.
That does throw a wrench in to the plans then. It's upsetting that your mom doesn't understand your boundaries. Even though I hate to be the "at least" person, at least she gave you a heads up rather than blindsiding you in the moment. Unfortunately, your mom may not ever understand your need for boundaries with your brother. People need to protect their peace and sometimes that means doing hard things that might cause others to be upset. If it something you will 100 percent not give in on, then you need to tell your kids you won't be going. Maybe there is a way for them to spend time with your sister and niece still before they leave. Setting up a day or weekend with just them would be a nice alternative.
I’m so sorry. I agree that talking to someone about it is probably a good idea. I get that there’s past trauma, and I’m not devaluing that at all, but I’d still try to find a way to make it work for your kids’ sake. Your mom just said he *might* go. For all anyone knows, that could have been her saying “you really should come, why don’t you come?” and him saying “ok ok maybe” just to get her to lay off. I wouldn’t blow up a big fun exciting weekend over a maybe. If he doesn’t usually attend, he’s not likely to attend this, and then you’ll have stayed home for nothing.
One thing I don’t get is, if he lives with your parents, how it’s ok for your kids to stay there without you. Thats essentially unsupervised access. Did I interpret something wrong or is there a typo? If they were going to be staying at the same house as him, I’d move your kids to stay with you so they’re with you at all times. Then assign your DH to make sure he doesn’t come near you or your kids. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Hugs to you.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Apr 8, 2024 11:32:26 GMT -5
Do your kids know about the safety issue? How old are they?
I think I'd use the facts depending on their ages "Unsafe BIL will be there, so in order to protect myself and you, we will be unable to go. I'm really disappointed, and I'm sure you are too - I'm here to talk about it."
Hugs bears, feel free to complain as I totally get that it’s really hard to watch it happen and not feel like shit about it. Then when kids are involved it brings it to a whole new level! My whole family was in MY town over the weekend to see a hockey game and then they went out for some other fun stuff after. My brother came so I wasn’t invited, which I totally get but then why tell me about it? They might accept his behavior but I will not and no matter what flashy stuff you wave in my face, the boundary will not change.