I’m so sorry. I agree that talking to someone about it is probably a good idea. I get that there’s past trauma, and I’m not devaluing that at all, but I’d still try to find a way to make it work for your kids’ sake. Your mom just said he *might* go. For all anyone knows, that could have been her saying “you really should come, why don’t you come?” and him saying “ok ok maybe” just to get her to lay off. I wouldn’t blow up a big fun exciting weekend over a maybe. If he doesn’t usually attend, he’s not likely to attend this, and then you’ll have stayed home for nothing.
One thing I don’t get is, if he lives with your parents, how it’s ok for your kids to stay there without you. Thats essentially unsupervised access. Did I interpret something wrong or is there a typo? If they were going to be staying at the same house as him, I’d move your kids to stay with you so they’re with you at all times. Then assign your DH to make sure he doesn’t come near you or your kids. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Hugs to you.
I mean, without knowing the specifics of the issue (and I'm not asking, BTW) it feels like the parents are being asked to pick between which of their children they want there. I'm not surprised they are trying to avoid having to make that decision.
I get that part of it. It's really hard for me because how my brother has behaved was unobjectively shitty, disgusting, and hurtful. The fact that my parents have supported him so much just tears me apart. The fact that my mom has said that I should forgive him (without an apology) and that all of my (and my sister's) memories are wrong....just kills me inside. I am able to ignore it for the most part, but when shit like this happens it's really hard to contextualize.
My brother has very little interest in the extended family and has never attended similar events in the past, so that also bothers me.
Anyway, I hope it doesn't come off that I'm arguing with you here. I'm just processing shit, and I do get that, even though I am not happy with my parents, they are not in a great situation.
Got it. Yeah, in that case I can understand how disappointed you are that your parents aren't drawing boundaries of their own and holding their son accountable for his bullshit. Could you do something fun with your kids that weekend instead of the family reunion to soften the blow a bit?
My parents aren't staying at their house. We were planning to have my kids stay in a condo with my parents, sister/niece.
Oh I see, so it’s a destination event for everyone. And if he doesn’t attend, he won’t even be in town, but if he does, he could be anywhere anytime. Ugghhh. That really sucks and I am so sorry.
Hugs bears , feel free to complain as I totally get that it’s really hard to watch it happen and not feel like shit about it. Then when kids are involved it brings it to a whole new level! My whole family was in MY town over the weekend to see a hockey game and then they went out for some other fun stuff after. My brother came so I wasn’t invited, which I totally get but then why tell me about it? They might accept his behavior but I will not and no matter what flashy stuff you wave in my face, the boundary will not change.
Does your sister feel the same as you about your brother? If so, can your family and your sister's family get together that weekend instead? If you find a new place to stay nearby the event for your family and sister's family, could you invite some cousins over to where you are staying for various parts of the weekend?
Family estrangement is so hard. I haven't talked to my parents in over a year, and a lot of outsiders would probably be very confused about it because they don't seem that bad to most people, so just saying I get it. What others might do would feel impossible for you, and that's okay. I agree you should talk to someone about it.
Could you change plans and just go visit your sister separately before they leave?
Post by followyourarrow on Apr 8, 2024 11:43:32 GMT -5
Given that it's an unsafe situation and the planned sleeping arrangements, I can see how there's no way to go. I'm sorry. I'd be disappointed in how your parents are handling it too.
I'd tell your kids the truth, in an age-appropriate way, such as I'm sorry we won't be able to go. Your uncle isn't safe for us to be around. I know your disappointed we can't go, I am too.
If finances and time allow, it would be nice to reschedule something later where they can see their cousin before they leave.
I have a similar situation with BIL. For years they lived in another state and only visited once a year, I just stayed away from inlaws and avoided them. But they moved back last fall.
I don't talk to him at all. But I will be cordial to his wife (hello, bye, and thats about it). But I adore his kids. Its not their fault their dad is an asshole.
I just literally ignore him. I don't make eye contact, or wven look in hos direction. I walk away when he comes near. that said, I dont want to ever put my ILs in the middle. My DH knows my stance and we just handle things as they come up. DH only says enough to
My kids are teens and I don't expect them to interact but I'd they do, it's something I'll need to deal with. luckily, my BIL is such a piece of crap, he won't talk to them anyway so they ignore him as well. 🤷♀️
I'd try and go for your kids sake and it's not fair you need to miss the event. I'd just stay away from him.
It's a safety issue. I do not feel comfortable around him at all, given past history. If he was ONLY a dick, I would deal with it and ignore. I do not feel safe.
I'm so fucking hurt and I feel like I often get short shrift because I'm the kid in the family who has her shit figured out and doesn't need a ton of support...but it seems that they often forget I still need support sometimes.
Same girl…same. Sadly I’ve given up on my parents being close or decent grandparents to my DS and I hope that it doesn’t go that way for you. Also, my brother is a dud too. My sisters complain about him constantly and I just look at them like I don’t care..you want to hang out with him, your problem.
If he hasn't gone to stuff like this in the past, do you think he is really going to go? I know in your OP you mentioned that you don't want to wait around to find out, but if this event is months from now I personally think that's what I would do. I'd hate to have you cancel everything now when he's a "maybe" and then find out later that he isn't going and now you've missed out for no reason. Since you seem most upset about your kids being unable to go, I think I'd just sit on it for now and see what happens. I wonder if your mom just brought this up now because she WANTS everyone to be able to be there and not because he's actually realistically making plans to attend.
I am sorry your parents are putting you in this situation.
What about switching up the accommodations, with you and your DH swapping with your parents. They can stay in the smaller condo with your brother, and you and DH staying in the larger condo with your sister and niece. That would result in more cousin time, and your parents could come by without your brother. Then you can skip out on any events where your brother might attend. Is that a possibility? Or even just getting a bigger condo for your family, and then you can control access and what events you attend.
I am so sorry. It is clear from what you wrote your mom will never understand your side. So it's a lost battle. She sees your bother as her son, not as a hurtful asshole and will try everything to bring her family back together. I would talk to a therapist about this.
I would work very hard to organize a separate event before your sister leaves the country so your kids can spend some 1:1 time with their cousins.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I am sorry your parents are putting you in this situation.
What about switching up the accommodations, with you and your DH swapping with your parents. They can stay in the smaller condo with your brother, and you and DH staying in the larger condo with your sister and niece. That would result in more cousin time, and your parents could come by without your brother. Then you can skip out on any events where your brother might attend. Is that a possibility? Or even just getting a bigger condo for your family, and then you can control access and what events you attend.
I agree with this. Will your DH play the heavy for you and your kids’ benefits? If your brother does go, I’d ask my DH to contact him privately and tell him to stay away from your condo, and under no circumstances is he to come anywhere near me or the kids at any time at any event. Or do you have any mutual family members who would contact him now and tell him that he shouldn’t go at all? It sounds like your family (except, inexplicably, your parents) are on your side. Rally their support.
I also agree with waiting to cancel because it’s still probably unlikely that he’ll actually go. Talk to someone to help you through all of this, but don’t blow things up quite yet. I feel like that “might” is tenuous.
I’m so sorry. This sounds like a very clear way of you upholding boundaries that you set a long time ago, and that you have proven work for you. It doesn’t make it any easier….but you’re doing what you need to do. I’m sorry that your brother is so shitty and that he’s ruining a chance to get together with the rest of your family.
Your mother sounds exhausting. What the hell is wrong with her? If you have been one tenth as clear with her as you have been here then she is just being deliberately dense. Or cruel. Or both.
Wow. That’s appalling. I am very sorry that you are being treated this way. Again.
I know you have clear boundaries with your brother, but it seems like now it is time to have them with your parents as well. It seems that both you and they have been doing this dance a long time. Too long. While trying to keep peace with them, and them “staying neutral” things have gone all the way down into shitsville. As much as it sucks, I think you need them to understand fully what your thoughts and boundaries are.
I’d encourage you to work with a counselor to set that up for yourself with them. You deserve peace, and you are not getting that with the current terms. Instead, you are constantly disappointed and emotionally tortured, and that’s not fair.
Whatever you decide, and whatever happens in the short and long term, I hope you get the peace you deserve. I hope it includes your parents/family, if that’s possible.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and that your parents are disappointing. I am also curious where your sister's boundaries are since it sounds like you had similar issues with your brother. Would she also push back since she's the one who is staying with them in the condo?
Can you get a refund on the place you booked and get a bigger place instead (with a pool!) and so super fun family things at your new rental with only the people you invite? You won’t see all the family you want to see as much as you would have, but you can still see them plus have a fun mini vacation with your kids.
I'm sorry. I just wanted to say I support your decision.
It sounds like even if he weren't going it might be better to book a place where the kids stay with you that way you can control the situation. But I understand the decision not to go at all if he was going.
I am so sorry. How disappointing. Is there any chance you can plan something another weekend with your sister/niece before they leave the country?
Is sister still ok going given her distrust of brother? I'm sorry, but also proud of your for drawing boundaries for yourself and your kids. <3
This is what I was going to say, plan something else for just your family with your sister, if possible.
this is what I think too. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I hate that you have to go through this. Good for you for having your personal boundaries. I also think it's fine to at some point have a bigger conversation with your parents about events that you want to go to and have them tell your brother not to come. A therapist can help you with what you can say going forward with your mom and dad (if anything). I agree too that I would plan something else with your sister so you can all get that family time that you all love so much too. I would also be so upset.
Don’t go. Plan a special weekend with just your H and kids so they don’t feel left out. Giving them something else to look forward to will help lessen the blow of missing this event.
My family sort of sucks so we don’t visit them. Luckily, we do other things that help us make great memories as a family so my kids rarely acknowledge that my family even exists. Yes, it’s sort of sad, but it’s better/safer this way and I won’t apologize for protecting my family.
Post by wanderlustmom on Apr 8, 2024 14:38:54 GMT -5
I would also tell the kids at any age over 14. I think it's totally fine for them to know why they are not going. I don't think my kids completely understand my childhood issues since they didn't have them but ever since the youngest hit 14, they have heard the family skeleton stories. I know it might not be for everyone but for the four of us and especially me, it's been healing. We talk alot about keeping things in our immediate family.
How old are the kids? If they're older elementary (or high school), I think you can explain that this is a boundary that you will not compromise on and your brother is not a safe person, full stop. I might be in the minority but I think it's 100% ok to put the blame on your parents here. "Grandparents know he is not safe and I will not be around Brother. They chose to invite him anyway." It might also be time to reevaluate any alone time your kids get with your parents outside of this event so they can't control the narrative and make you the bad guy.
Also, therapy is hard and fucking sucks but is also worth it, so far at least. From one "always put last" person to what sounds like another.