Family Drama and Child Disappointment

[sparkythelawyer]

Sometimes people don't learn things until it hurts, so maybe Mom needs to see you not interacting, not showing up, not paying for things, etc. to realize you aren't kidding? I know she's trying to jedi-mindtrick everyone into being "FINE" with this because in her mind she has a vision of all her kids and grandkids and spouses in ONE BIG HAPPY PICTURE and won't that be great? I mean, ITS FAMILY, RIGHT?!?! So she won't let herself hear that his presence is a problem.

Its not great. Its completely maddening. If your children are old enough, its fair to tell them that there is someone attending that is not safe for Mom and the kids and therefore we cannot go.

And maybe things need to go radio silent with mom for a while until she figures out she's stepped in it.

[chickadee77]

I'm sorry. I get not budging on the boundary- you've worked so hard to get here that allowing a violation negates it all.

I have family members who are absolute no-go's with my kids.

I like the idea of seeing if you can maybe host the cousins for sleepovers and avoid the rest of the activities- that way, they get to see who is important to them without putting them or yourself (or the other cousins, if that's a concern) at risk.

[stemmie]

I am so sorry.

I can appreciate the need to avoid certain family members. I just recently skipped an Easter gathering because my toxic ex-BIL was there. Easter isn't worth the exposure to me.

If your sister is open to sharing a bigger house with you in a show of solidarity, I'd consider going. If not I'd find another way to get the kids together before your niece moves.

[fivechickens]

I am so sorry. That is really shitty on your mom’s part for not respecting your boundaries and for her to make you out to be the bad guy when it comes your kids.

I am also curious about your sisters feelings and whether you two can meet up before she leaves?

[expectantsteelerfan]

I'm sorry bears, that sucks. And I'm sorry that so many posters seem to be wanting to try to 'fix' this for you, though I get the sentiment and I'm guessing you do too, but even if you come up with SOME solution that allows you and your kids to see your sister/cousin before they leave somehow, that doesn't do anything to help the fact of how your parents are making you feel. I'm sorry.

[maudefindlay]

I hate this for you bears. I hate that this sounds yet again like a case of a man harming women and it gets swept under the rug and the women are pressed to choke down their pain for the sake of creating fake harmony. If you can rent a fun house where your sister lives instead you could host cousin sleepovers and make it extra special. Your kids will be fine if you feel safe.

[googled]

I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to have a parent that makes you choose between something that is unhealthy/unsafe and your own sanity/wellbeing. Not to mention that of the grandkids. It is shitty and unfair. I hope that in the end you’re able to see your sister, although I know that doesn’t change the fact that you were put in the position in the first place. Hugs.

[rockpaperscissors]

I would 100% not go. My kids and a safety concern would be an absolute non starter. I don’t know how old your kids are or how much they know. I would do as someone else said and be honest with them, to a certain extent, that the situation changed and someone may be attending that has been hurtful to you in the past.

And it is again worth noting that you are 100% valid in your feelings towards your parents, whether it be angry, sad, frustrated etc. It is incredibly hurtful and manipulative to have your boundaries crossed so callously. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this situation.

[eddy]

I would not go. I would plan something else fun. 

And in reality your mom is probably going to end up with a scenario where both her son and daughter don't show up. Pity for her making bad decisions. I am also so sorry you have to break those plans. THat would be very disappointing. 

I don't know the logistics of everyone, but I would instead see if I could get together with sister and kids on an alternative weekend. Or maybe just meet up with them separately during the weekend but not go to the big gathering. 

[underwaterrhymes]

bears - ❤️ It’s okay to set those boundaries and it’s okay to feel hurt that your parents don’t respect them.

[frlcb]

I am also estranged from my brother so I am so sorry about all of this.

If your extended family also would not feel comfortable around him could one of them reach out to your parents and express that?

[lovelovelove]

I'm so sorry.

I would not go, and I would be honest (in an age appropriate way) with my kids. They are going to know at some point. I get not wanting them to be who suffers in this, but if no one else is looking out for you & them, you have to do it and they can know basically why. It teaches them to respect themselves and their safety.

So so so hard.

[bears]

Small update in OP.

[cville]

Good for you and your sister.

[pixy0stix]

I'm glad your sister is holding your boundaries firm as well.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Good for you! I hope your mom gives you a clear answer by Friday and respects your wishes not to engage with you about trivial stuff before she has an answer. And I also hope the answer is that they aren't going so that you can!

[sparkythelawyer]

OMG she's maddening.  She's still stalling.  She doesn't want to be the one to say "he is coming" or "he's not coming," because it will be harder when she tries to maneuver him in at the last minute.  She has not given up on the version of this event in her head yet.

At this point, given the safety concerns you have expressed, I'd probably just send a note to everyone saying "Hi, seems like we have no guarantees DUDE will not be attending.  As I'm sure you understand, I cannot take that risk.  It pains me, but we will have to decline.  Sis, let's get our calendars together and figure out some time we can meet up this year.  Love to all."

That your mom is sending messages to your child and not you is absurd.  That she's not engaging at this point is telling you all you need to know.  

[lust2hart]

Good for you for giving a firm deadline and putting a stop to the head in the sand behavior from your mom.

[bears]

sparkythelawyer I really appreciate your energy here. I don't agree with everything you have said, but I think so much of what you say is true. I feel like I've been gaslit a lot by my mom to make her feel more comfortable in the situation. She's flat-out told me in the past that since I was more responsible/stable than my siblings, she's given me less support. It fucking sucks.

[livinitup]

So, now your mother is GIVING YOU the silent treatment?

And she’s telling you that’s she’s giving you the silent treatment with daily Wordle scores? How fucking rich.

Cancel. Just cancel. They have gone and come back from a god damn vacation. Pull the plug on the Friday deadline and just take your power back, once and for all.

[bears]

Apr 22, 2024 13:41:06 GMT -5 livinitup said:

So, now your mother is GIVING YOU the silent treatment?

And she’s telling you that’s she’s giving you the silent treatment with daily Wordle scores? How fucking rich.

Cancel. Just cancel. They have gone and come back from a god damn vacation. Pull the plug on the Friday deadline and just take your power back, once and for all.

Maybe my post was confusing?  My mom hasn't engaged with me outside sending me her Wordle scores on a group text she, MH, and I are on for that purpose. I told her I need an answer by Friday and I didn't want to engage with her until she has an answer for me on the vacation. 

I 100% think that the only reason my brother wants to go is because his SO wants to go. He has never, ever wanted to go to an event like this before; he has missed so many weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries!

[livinitup]

Apr 22, 2024 13:48:20 GMT -5 bears said:

Apr 22, 2024 13:41:06 GMT -5 livinitup said:

So, now your mother is GIVING YOU the silent treatment?

And she’s telling you that’s she’s giving you the silent treatment with daily Wordle scores? How fucking rich.

Cancel. Just cancel. They have gone and come back from a god damn vacation. Pull the plug on the Friday deadline and just take your power back, once and for all.

Maybe my post was confusing?  My mom hasn't engaged with me outside sending me her Wordle scores on a group text she, MH, and I are on for that purpose. I told her I need an answer by Friday and I didn't want to engage with her until she has an answer for me on the vacation. 

I 100% think that the only reason my brother wants to go is because his SO wants to go. He has never, ever wanted to go to an event like this before; he has missed so many weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries!

I don’t mean to sound more worked up than you are. But it seems like the silent treatment to me. Which is a passive-aggressive move by your mom. If she has time to post Wordle scores, time to engage her granddaughter, and to let all this time pass, she has time to to tell your brother to stay home & give you reassurance to proceed with your rental as planned. It all seems very deliberate. You deserve better than waiting until Friday which will probably come & go without reassurance from your mom.

[jlt19]

I’m really sorry. I don’t necessarily consider this the silent treatment so much as blatant avoidance to “wish” it all away. But that doesn’t make it ok or better. I have no advice because that’s how my marriage worked for possibly 17 years and I already see it with my kids (not responding to a text they don’t want to acknowledge).

However I imagine that I’ll have an “easier” time breaking this toxic communication behavior with my children than you will with your mom ☹️ She probably won’t change. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to accept that and keep your boundaries firm. It fucking sucks, and it’s not fair, but it may be the only way to keep a relationship with your mom that without any more resentment built up. Because really, that’s only hurting you too.