@ Don't tell America the Babysitter is dead

[neverfstop]

This is a really fascinating article about families, teens, society trends, over-juvenilizing our kids. 

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www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2024/03/teen-babysitters-intensive-parenting/677793/?gift=GFJ6rZk7EjP1WLiLmK2-qNkpr164uhbwj0CbggRYTjE&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share


Today, the teen babysitter as we knew her, in pop culture and in reality, has all but disappeared. People seem to worry less about adolescents and more for them, and for their future prospects. As Fass put it, “Teenagers don’t seem very grown-up these days.” There’s not much reason to fear or exalt babysitters anymore—because our society no longer trusts teens to babysit much at all.
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Families still need help caring for their kids. Teens still need money, and chances to practice responsibility. And neighbors could stand to trust one another more—to start building their village. That won’t look just like it did in 1950, but that’s for the best. Perhaps we’ll find a way to finally treat adolescents as just what they are: not children and not adults, not scary and not superhuman. Just young people who, with a bit of support, can be capable of a great deal.

[jeaniebueller]

This is interesting, on one hand, it is truly shocking to me when I look back at how I babysat a sibling group of 4, including a young toddler, at age 11 or 12. I really shouldn't have had that much responsibility. I also think that a lot of families have two working parents now, so they are paying for daycare all day and often don't want to pay a teenage babysitter to watch kids for leisure activities--the adults just don't go out as much. I did a lot of babysitting for families with SAHMs, i would help out when they needed a few hours to themselves, etc., and that home structure isn't as prevalent anymore. Also, a lot of kids 11-13 are overscheduled with activities of their own. In my house, however, my DS has been babysitting his younger sister for periods of time since he was 11-ish? So i don't think that the model is totally dead.

[gretchenindisguise]

This was an interesting read. Both my 14 yo and my friend's 15 yo babysit. My 14yo is lucky because she has a younger brother who has friends in need of babysitting - her most common family is one of these. And they pay her $20/hr, which is crazy sauce to me - but cheaper than a different babysitter they would get.

And similar to the article, she got her CPR certification through a Y summer camp a few years back. Actually - we should probably have her renew that.

[Patsy Baloney]

In my limited experience as a GS volunteer, people have become so fearful and over-scheduled. Kids are constantly in something and busy or parents/kids are afraid of whatever set of circumstances have been presented when a child is allotted some independence and may have to function without immediate oversight. This shift was huge in our small circle after the COVID shutdown - so much fear and lost independence.

And I 100% agree with/identify with not knowing your neighbors leads to fewer opportunities to interact and have a relationship that would support paying a kid to keep an eye on the little ones for the night. We struggled with this with finding someone to come over to feed the cat when we were out of town until I started leading a Girl Scout troop and got to know other parents and children. Our area is extremely insular.

[tacokick]

I don’t know if I see it as a “trust” issue as much a shift where what is expected of teenagers has changed and adults who don’t seem to do the child free socializing at the level (possibly less hands on) parents in previous generations did. Adults aren’t in the level of clubs and socializing they were at during the babysitting heyday.

I was surprised they didn’t point out the rise of after and before care being available at so many public and private schools now. That’s a major gap in the day that people once needed babysitters for that has been covered by other services. I know many of my peers in elementary school would go home with a friend or teenaged neighbor every day and stay there until their parents could pick them up. Now those schools have affordable aftercare options.

I never baby sat and really neither did any of my friends beyond having to watch their own siblings. It seemed sort of a dated activity in the late ‘90s tbh, if someone wanted to or needed to work for money, they got a job that paid more. Or we were busy doing school activities and volunteering. Very similar to the HS kids I encounter now with my volunteer work.

I know when I taught (elementary and middle) those kids were either very scheduled in sports that seemed to take up all of their own and their parents’ time or watching their own siblings. When would they be babysitting strangers or being baby sat if they are doing a sport most days of the week?

[janegold]

We use teen babysitters, and plenty of people we know do too. We do live somewhere with a very small-town vibe though.

I will say that while I like our teen babysitters (and, most importantly, our kids do too), a common trend I've experienced is coming home to a messy house. I've heard the same from others. I don't know if it's a cultural shift with the younger generation or if it's always been an issue, but I babysat regularly as a teen and never would have dreamed of leaving a mess for the parents to come home to (especially when we're paying $20/hr and half the time the kids are asleep).

[sonrisa]

My 13 year old babysits. And I see other teens babysitting neighbors.

[Saudade]

I don’t know. My kids aren’t old enough.

One summer I had a 13 year old watch my kids for about 7 hours one day a week.

She never changed the 2 year old’s pee diapers…🤷‍♀️

[icedcoffee]

We rarely use a babysitter. For us it's because my kids are in daycare and/or aftercare all day.

We used a teenager once and honestly, it was kind of stressful. The teens I know in the neighborhood do seem a little immature.

IDK. I'm really looking forward to being able to leave the kids home for short periods of time alone.

[jaylea]

I don’t think this is much on the teens, it seems to be more on the over the top parents who can’t trust anyone.

Most teens I know have jobs that pay well, are smart and responsible. But they aren’t getting asked to babysit. Most of the time grandparents or parent friends are doing the babysitting.

[ans1999]

Re: after/before care. I work in a K-8 school. It is astounding to me that parents complain about lack of after care for their middle schoolers. I would think that would be a good time practicing being home alone. We dismiss at 4:15 so not super early. My teens don't babysit but they do have jobs at the local grocery store. As a counselor, I get a little on my high horse at how little responsiblity we allow kids and how much I think that is associated with the lack of confidence/self-esteem/rise in anxiety that I see in the kids.

[meowmaps]

Our babysitters are our parents or a babysitter I found through care.com and she's a former nurse in her 50s. I don't trust a teenager with my young kids.

Our neighbor's 14 year old cat sat for us two summers ago and thankfully, my in-laws came over too because one of my cats requires medicine. Long story short, she couldn't even properly scoop the litter. If anything was buried, it got left. My mother-in-law checked her work and essentially did her job for her. I'm not saying that's all 14 year olds but it certainly made me less interested in seeking out a teenager's assistance for cat or baby sitting.

[Deleted]

We’ve used teen babysitters 4-5 times a year for the last several years. I agree that we’re just not going out as much as people did when I was a teen. I probably babysit for one family at least once or twice a month. There’s no way H and I would go out that much. Partially because we can’t afford it, and partially because we’re exhausted. My perception is that teens who want/need to make money can’t do it on babysitting alone, so most of them have other part-time jobs that factor into their availability. But we’ve never had trouble finding a teen babysitter when we’ve needed one.

ETA: C’s 10, so he really just needs someone older around in case something bad happens. I am essentially paying for someone to come over and eat pizza, play video games, and ride scooters with my kid for a few hours. But even when he was younger there was very little care involved.

[underwaterrhymes]

Our babysitter is someone we found through their first daycare. She was one of their teachers and my younger kid has known her since he was an infant and my older child since he was 18 months. She’s wonderful. She is not a teen, however. She’s in her late 30s or early 40s and has two kids of her own in their late teens.

We tried out a few teen babysitters a number of years ago, but they were not super engaged with the kids and didn’t know how to change diapers, so we stuck to our favorite babysitter.

I cannot wait until K can watch N for short periods. He’s 11 and I think we have a few more years before he feels comfortable. Babysitters are expensive!

[pixy0stix]

The article felt like the long form of the social media meme, "I never wore a bike helmet or a seatbelt as a kid and I turned out fine!"

We've learned a lot about child development and age appropriate activities. I'm fine with 12 and 13 yos not babysitting.

[pixy0stix]

Also, I'm fine not feeding kids to capitalism before they're out of high school. The whole, "they gain job experience" portion of the article gave me a bad taste. There's a line we should be willing to walk that gives kids responsibility (like walking/biking home from school alone) and giving them full adult responsibilities.

[pugz]

We use a teen across the street and her mom shadowed the first time or two when she was younger. Now she's a sophomore. I appreciate having a sitter that doesn't need a drive home! But we don't go out much and when we do we usually do it when the kids are at the grandparent's for a sleepover.

[Deleted]

Apr 11, 2024 13:55:47 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Also, I'm fine not feeding kids to capitalism before they're out of high school. The whole, "they gain job experience" portion of the article gave me a bad taste. There's a line we should be willing to walk that gives kids responsibility (like walking/biking home from school alone) and giving them full adult responsibilities.

I think the “job experience” they were talking about is stuff like:
- How to communicate politely and professionally with an adult
- How to schedule a job and be on time
- How to communicate expectations regarding pay

As a parent, I really don’t care if the teen who watches my kid is out there hustling for jobs. But I do care if they can answer my texts, manage their schedule and availability, and communicate reasonably well.

I work with older HS and younger college students, and it’s pretty obvious which ones have had practice doing these things and which ones haven’t.

[picksthemusic]

We used a teenager to babysit our kids for a while (she was the daughter of a coworker). Our kids were over the age of 4/7 though, so fairly easy in the big scheme of things. She was maybe 15-16? We'd go out for a few hours (dinner/movie), and we completely trusted her. She was great.

I babysat my cousins from age 12, starting as a mother's helper and worked my way up from there. I also babysat the gaggle of 5 kids across the street from me while in junior high (age 14-15). My teachers and staff in junior high also had me sit their kids - my orchestra teacher, and my school secretary. It was a great way to earn money for summer activities (and keep me busy).

Now we just leave the kids home alone for quick trips (DD is 12, DS is 9) within a 5 mile radius, and for longer we have them with their grandparents.

[EvieEthelGarland]

In the 80s, I would watch 2-3 kids afterschool in my neighborhood when I was in middle school. It seems crazy to me now that adults let a 10-12 year old be in charge of babies and toddlers. But I made so much money! It was only $2.50/hour but as a percentage of what the neighbor mom made as a grocery store checker, it was great for both of us. Now, do checkers even make $20/hr?

My child did not ever have a baby sitter until late elementary. He went to daycare/after school care and for adult nights out, it would be family or swapping evening playdates with his friends parents. In 4th grade he started being watched by a teen neighbor for the two to three hours between school and me getting home. Again, it was very beneficial for all of us-my child wasn't in a large group setting and she made money. Once COVID hit, she told me she missed the responsibility--she knows she would've just watched TV or napped after school, but when she was baby-sitting her grades improved because homework was part of the agreement.


We expect these kids to be full-fledged adults at 18, but in so many ways have taken away the on ramps to adult hood for teens.

[pixy0stix]

Apr 11, 2024 14:10:18 GMT -5 EvieEthelGarland said:

We expect these kids to be full-fledged adults at 18, but in so many ways have taken away the on ramps to adult hood for teens.

Yeah, but in the case of babysitting the major point was to prepare young girls to get married and be mothers. There's so much more out there for (age appropriate) jobs. For the time periods mentioned in the article (20s-80s) the average age of marriage for females was 20. Now it's upwards of 27. And if we latch on babysitting to cry about losing, what is the equivalent for males?

[CrazyLucky]

I babysat when I was 12ish, but DD is 11 and I really can't imagine giving her responsibility for a baby. Maybe a five year old, but not a baby. We do use a teenage babysitter. My kids are 11 and 13 so we don't need a babysitter if we're just going to dinner or something like that. But this Friday, for example, we be gone about 7 hours, until 1am, so I feel better having someone more responsible there.
I did a quick check of the local babysitting board and I'd say 90% of people advertising are college students.

[wanderingback]

Interesting.

In my area there are def parents who post on the parenting boards letting us know that their teens are babysitters and post little ads they’ve made.

As my daughter gets older, like elementary school age I would be fine with a teen babysitter.

[waverly]

I only babysat once at age 12 and it didn't go well because the kids had friends over and the parents didn't pick them up, so then the other parents couldn't leave. So anyway, I do think I was too young because at age 16, I could have said yeah no problem I will watch all 4 kids and the parents can get here whenever, but at age 12 that wasn't the right call. So I agree that 11 and 12 are probably too young.

We did have an older teen babysit (16-18) when they were babies and only had a 13 year old babysit when the kids were around 8 and 6. We hired a date night babysitter but she was a 25 year old who also nannied, that was the person that applied for the job, younger teens did not apply.

During Covid it was kind of pointless to go out because the only thing we could do was get take out and sit on a bench, and it seemed silly to pay a sitter $20 an hour for that. And now the kids are old enough to stay home alone and DS is old enough to babysit, although he has no interest in it.

There are a whole lot of parents who won't let anyone watch their kid unless it is family. Sometimes this is presented as nervousness ha ha but they wear it as a badge of honor. I wonder if there is some kind of underlying cultural messaging there.

[waverly]

Apr 11, 2024 14:19:52 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Apr 11, 2024 14:10:18 GMT -5 EvieEthelGarland said:

We expect these kids to be full-fledged adults at 18, but in so many ways have taken away the on ramps to adult hood for teens.

Yeah, but in the case of babysitting the major point was to prepare young girls to get married and be mothers. There's so much more out there for (age appropriate) jobs. For the time periods mentioned in the article (20s-80s) the average age of marriage for females was 20. Now it's upwards of 27. And if we latch on babysitting to cry about losing, what is the equivalent for males?

Good point.  Honestly, I think that DS would gain some skills in babysitting but he has zero interest, and I am sure that is a cultural gender thing.  

Maybe the male equivalent might be mowing lawns/ shoveling snow for that 14-18 age range.  

I see you point upthread about capitalism, but I can see executive function gains from a teen going through the process of aquiring a job and learning about the job.  If my son (using him because he is the oldest) is just sitting around playing video games all summer at age 16, then that time could be better spent doing practically almost anything else including a job.  Using summer here because, for him anyway, there isn't any sports/ school/ anything else that he would really be involved in.  

[loira]

The only people I know who hire babysitters have zero family (or zero family they trust) nearby. And they go out far less frequently. I can't afford for 3 hours of babysitting to add $60 to my night out. The bill at even a moderately priced restaurant here will still run well over $100 for 2 meals and a couple of drinks plus tip.

[pixy0stix]

Apr 11, 2024 14:42:49 GMT -5 waverly said:

Apr 11, 2024 14:19:52 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Yeah, but in the case of babysitting the major point was to prepare young girls to get married and be mothers. There's so much more out there for (age appropriate) jobs. For the time periods mentioned in the article (20s-80s) the average age of marriage for females was 20. Now it's upwards of 27. And if we latch on babysitting to cry about losing, what is the equivalent for males?

Good point.  Honestly, I think that DS would gain some skills in babysitting but he has zero interest, and I am sure that is a cultural gender thing.  

Maybe the male equivalent might be mowing lawns/ shoveling snow for that 14-18 age range.  

I see you point upthread about capitalism, but I can see executive function gains from a teen going through the process of aquiring a job and learning about the job.  If my son (using him because he is the oldest) is just sitting around playing video games all summer at age 16, then that time could be better spent doing practically almost anything else including a job.  Using summer here because, for him anyway, there isn't any sports/ school/ anything else that he would really be involved in.  

I'm not against teens having jobs. My main issue is crying about 12 yos not being allowed to babysit anymore. It's speaking to a lot of feminist issues such as seeing girls as being more responsible than boys at younger ages, having harder/more complicated jobs while being paid as a low cost laborer. We wouldn't blink about paying someone $20 to mow a lawn (per hourly wage), but we want to pay a babysitter less. Babysitting is a whole lot more complicated than starting a lawnmower and pushing it.

I think there's arguments to be made about letting kids grow, and I've said it before in other threads. Babysitting isn't a great shining example of this, though.

[meanie]

I babysat at 12, I think my DD could when she reaches that age but it is very kid dependent. We tried to have our HS aged neighbor babysit when our 2 kids were little and I could tell she wasn't comfortable with the youngest who was around 1.5 years old.

It's a lot more complex than just expecting less from kids - it is more expensive, families are spread apart and teens may have less experience watching littles, adults have way less free time to even go out, kids are in more activities...you get the idea.

[noodleoo]

Apr 11, 2024 13:22:37 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

We rarely use a babysitter. For us it's because my kids are in daycare and/or aftercare all day.

We used a teenager once and honestly, it was kind of stressful. The teens I know in the neighborhood do seem a little immature.

IDK. I'm really looking forward to being able to leave the kids home for short periods of time alone.

This. We never go out. I say I’d like to, but finding babysitters has been so hard and it’s so expensive these days. It’s easier/cheaper to just get takeout and put a movie in for the kids.

I also think people are more protective of their kids. We hired a neighbor kid to babysit when she was 13 and a mom friend said she would be too scared to do that. We went to dinner in town and her parents live next door. I wasn’t nervous and actually was psyched to find someone. The kid plays several sports tho so she’s not available all that much.

I too am counting down until DD1 is old enough to watch DD2. I’ve been told 12 is reasonable? At that point DD2 will be 8.5. Only 3 years to go!

[wawa]

I don't have time to read the whole article at the moment, but I'm a little skeptical that "the death of babysitting" is a thing beyond just the fact that everybody has all their kids in 2343456456 different activities and they all are basically full time jobs. (WTF sports parents, how the heck do you do it?) I definitely have hired teens to babysit, most people I know well enough to know their babysitter habits do as well. it seems like that's still pretty normal?

I guess I am more "plugged in" to my community than the average person maybe between scouts, PTA and my running group, but when I've needed a couple of hours of babysitting I definitely tap that network and they always come through for me.

That said - the lack of trust for other people, for your own kids, not having a "village" - I mean, that's the same weird shit where our generation doesnt' answer the door when somebody knocks, so I buy that as a factor.

And otherwise, ditto Pixy that some changes are good changes and 11-12 IS young.