TWERKS, Randoms, Updates, Etc.

[186momx]

We haven't done one in a while.

I opted DD out of state testing.  The last two days have been the only days this month she hasn't asked to not go to school!  She has been working in the elementary library during ELA state testing plus during her normal 7th period community service class.  She was so happy to go to school and be useful.  Yesterday she helped run kindergarten library time.  

DD friend drama from a few weeks ago has blown over.  DD has taken a step back and asked her teachers to please assign her a seat away from friend group because she doesn't want them relying on her to help or give them answers.  She says right now everyone is keeping secrets from her and will be chatting away and then gets super quiet when she joins and that is bugging her.  She flat out asked why, and no one will respond.

I'm relenting and getting DD a phone with phone number but not for school friend reasons.  Kids Messenger is just starting to not be reliable and 75% of her friends aren't using it anymore and none of the girls at the gym are so she needs to communicate about rides/carpooling for stuff over the summer.  Plus, it is obvious as a family we need more than 2GB of data.  

[waverly]

I have a parenting question actually, WP.

I am encouraging DD to continue with band, but I have left the decision up to her. I assume I need to email the band director before school is out so that she is on the roster for band when the middle school does student schedules over the summer. 

Would you push harder that she stay in it?
Or take a step back and not mention it except to ask for the final decision?

She is waffling. She complained a lot about going this year, but it was after school. This is daily during the school year. After the band concert, she said she enjoyed it and band was OK/ good (not great).

The reason it is a difficult decision is because they can either have band or their electives (Spanish, Art etc.). I wish it wasn't an either or thing. Both decisions are fine with me. I'm only encouraging band becuase it is fun and harder to get back into, so stay in it now and quit later is my reasoning.

She doesn't want to practice for band and she thinks she is bad at it. I think most kids don't love practicing alone and most kids are not great in 5th grade.

I told her the decision would be set for the year. The middle school can't just re-do their schedules if she wants to quit mid year. She gets tired from band, but I think it's the age group and band was sort of chaotic moreso in 4th grade.  I think it will be less chaotic in middle school.  

Personally, I think she would be happier without band, but I want to give her a push to stay in and see what she ultimately decides.  We have a free instrument, so cost isn't an issue. WWYD? 

[mommyatty]

waverly, if it’s in essence her only elective, I would leave that entirely up to her. Maybe offer private instrument lessons if you’re up to it and she wants to continue with it. Honestly, kids get so little control over their school lives that I wouldn’t take that single decision away from her. I let DD choose her fine arts this year. (She got two.) She chose traditional art, like drawing and painting, for one of them, which shocked me. Turns out, she’s a fairly talented cartoonist/anime artist. Who knew? She certainly didn’t. Neither did I. I would have guided her in a very different direction, and I would have deprived her of a major emotional outlet.

[waverly]

mommyatty, good idea on the private instrument lessons. I think ultimately she will decide against it, but she did really like the concert. She just doesn't like to practice lol. It looks like she would switch instruments for private lessons (strings, piano or guitar). But I'll offer it as an option.

I keep offering dance because she spends her time dancing all over the house but she refuses and says she is bad. She says she is bad at the flute too because she is a perfectionist so that isn't helpful sometimes when learning things and being bad.

[sdlaura]

waverly that’s so hard. Hard to know if in the future she will wish you let her quit or be sad that you didn’t encourage her to keep with it.

[186momx]

waverly, I would have her do a pro and con list. At least here if you don't do 6th grade band you can't then try band in 7th grade. They don't offer beginning band for 7th or 8th graders. Both my siblings did band and loved it. They had a great built in friend group being in band.

[librarychica]

It’s too hot. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

That is my update. I love Florida (mostly), I love my family, but I cannot handle this level of heat in May knowing that it is going to unrelenting until October. I just cannot.

Y’all it’s so damn hot. I had to lay down after my kid’s school award assembly like a woman taking to a fainting couch.

[mommyatty]

librarychica- I’m in Texas. It was 69 degrees and rainy today. But Sunday when I have to sit outside for 2 hours, it’s going to be 94. We have had a crazy spring. I’m scared of the summer.

[supertrooper1]

waverly, I'm pushing DS right now to join band next year. He has an interest in both band and choir but can only do one. His dad is pushing choir, and I keep telling him that if he doesn't start next year, it probably won't be an option to start when kids have already been playing for a while. I like the idea of the pros and cons list and let her ultimately decide.

My division is divided into subject matter expert teams so when a client emails us a question and we don't know the answer, we reach out to the SME team for that subject. My team of 8 people plus a supervisor gets the most questions from our coworkers because it is the first step in our software filing process. Today has been an exceptionally busy day, and half of our team is out for training, so it's been me and one other coworker answering all of the questions. During a normal week, I still chip in and try to answer my fair share, but not always because I have a higher client load than many of my coworkers. For some reason today, each email I have answered has received a "good job" or "nice work" email from someone on my team which is not normal. Nobody is emailing my other coworker telling him good job. I don't get it.

[dglvrk2]

waverly I also like the idea of a pro / con list. Perhaps you and your daughter could make it together.

I'm writing this as I sit and wait for DD1 to finish her weekly private sax lesson. (And yes... My autocorrect put an E between the s and the X again!) DD1 started playing in beginning band last year as a 6th grader. She was rather meh until about spring break. She switched from clarinet to sax at the time. She pretty much taught herself some of the basic fingerings of the sax over spring break and has been enjoying it ever since.

I'm not sure if this would have been her path had she started playing an instrument younger. She definitely has intrinsic motivation to practice and persevere, but I believe this came with age.

I'm wondering if band will be a little bit more structured and focused in Middle School. Perhaps offer that idea to your daughter? Do you know any students who play band at the middle or high school level that she could speak with as well?

[campermom]

DNQ
I’m up for my 5am worrying to begin-my son isn’t doing well, i updated the DMDD/mental health post on ML. He’s been in IOP for 3 weeks now, and was taken to the psychiatric urgent walk in earlier this week. He wasn’t admitted and I’m thankful for that. His treatment team is wonderful and so is the school team. I worry less when he has in school suspension for whatever behavior he displayed prior. Today he’s in class again. Even before/after care is modifying the environment for him and keeping him 1:1 at times. I’ve brought up concerns that he might need to be considered for the behavioral program that’s more temporary than the special Ed behavioral program, but still located at a different school. School feels strongly that they def won’t change this year but they also believe and are hopeful he will stabilize and can remain next year. They are all working really hard for him.

His meds have been adjusted and another fast acting was added.

His behaviors drastically changed at the end of Feb. The earliest we can get in to neuro is July, and on a high priority cancellation list but I found a neurologist from that hospital in the PANDAS field who will see us next week out of pocket at his private office. His psychiatrist doesn’t really want to go down that road but his strep positives align perfectly with behavioral upticks over the last year. I feel like we have to at least explore it.

EXH continues to be who he is. While I don’t want to see him, I’d rather he be at appointments instead of trying to convince him to get on board w whatever treatment plan they suggest, after the fact bc he always just disagrees. He plans to attend the neurologist appt thank goodness.

He missed two psych appts bc he was traveling out of the country (they were virtual) and missed this weeks virtual psychiatry appt bc he just forgot. Yesterday we had an IEP mtg and he texted me that they wouldn’t let him in the virtual mtg and he was in the virtual lobby waiting (the meeting didn’t start for another 30 mins and I was driving).

When I got to school, the clerk told me he emailed her and said I was refusing to text him back. She said she emailed him back to tell him I was probably driving on my way there since the mtg didn’t start for a half hour. She said he emailed her back to apologize. Hes just embarrassing and exposing himself now.

I usually don’t engage; I’ve been hard strict Grey Rock without deviation for a really long time now. But the other day he screwed up a time of another appointment for our daughter after his dog chewed up her retainer. He was refusing to tell me what time he was going to pick her up, and called me “nosey” when he finally told me. He doesn’t understand I have to give permission for him to pick her up ahead of time and I need to specify the time. He got the time wrong and she was upset bc she didn’t study for a test due to his error. WE (her and I) figured it out and I made a comment like “next time plan ahead and please get the times right” and he responded with “ay ay captain”

I dk what came over me but I quickly responded “Some men need a strong leader.”

I know I shouldn’t have but it was a little release that felt good.

[waverly]

Conversation with my mom:
Complaint 1: I’m sorry you sold the lake house I liked meeting you there.
Me: Well we needed more money to keep it. We can always meet there we just need to pay to rent a place.
Mom complaint 2: Well there weren’t enough hiking trails.
Me:
Mom: What about farther north on the coast.
Me: Oh we’ve done that before-lists some places.
Mom: I want an inland lake where in can kayak.
Me: There aren’t many inland lakes by the coast.

Um so aren’t we just back to my first suggestion which was an inland lake. And this is why I don’t plan vacations with her. Facepalm.

[k3am]

It’s seeming pretty likely that DD ruptured an eardrum. She is - of course - pissed that she might miss school because she won a free dress day AND has lunch in the garden with one of the teachers she adores. I may not live through this.

[mommyatty]

I have a lot of people in my life going through really tough things, and it’s wearing on me. And then I feel terrible because the tough things aren’t happening to me, so what right do I have to feel any which way about it? And I’m frustrated because these people are making decisions that are just DUMB that are contributing or caused these issues. So then I feel like a judgmental bitch.

* Trigger Warning for Suicidal thoughts in a child and health issues for a spouse*

1. DD’s bff is in IOP (intensive outpatient psychiatric) treatment. This little girl is stereotypical Asperger’s when that was a diagnosis. Hyperfixates on interests (first it was dragons, now it’s Pokémon), is super socially awkward and shy (DD spent all last year at a table during lunch with just this girl because the girl would have panic attacks at the thought of sitting with anyone else, even the nice girls), is a grade ahead in honors math, has very fixed thought patterns that get in the way of her everyday life (certain kids are bullies and mean even if they literally haven’t said anything to her all year and she has panic attacks if she sees them in the school hallway, she’s going to fail math even though she has an A and has screaming, crying meltdowns multiple times a week while doing homework). The girl’s therapist told her mom she strongly believes the child is autistic. The mom read some books and decided that doesn’t fit, so won’t get her tested. Doesn’t think she needs any labels. If you look at the suicide rates for non-diagnosed neurodivergent kids, they are astronomical.

This year, DD finally dragged this girl into a friend group at school, so for the first time in her life she has a social support system her own age. Now her mom has decided the school puts too much pressure academically on the kid and doesn’t do enough about bullies and doesn’t communicate with her enough, so she’s pulling the kid and putting her in public school. Where among other things she has to put together a resume and try out to do theater, whereas in her current school she can just sign up. So now, surprise! The kid is going through a major depressive episode with suicidal ideation. And her mom doesn’t think it has anything to do with changing schools. She says the girl had no push-back for her on changing schools and “is really excited about the STEM program and all the opportunities”. And because the mom won’t acknowledge the girl’s autism, she also doesn’t see that the kid has alexithymia, which means the child can’t identify her own emotions all the time. And I am sure her mom hasn’t disclosed that the original therapist strongly suspected autism. I’m hoping it’s in the records somewhere in writing.

2. My bff since we were 12 has a husband who is frankly full of shit. First figuratively, now literally. He has been in terrible health as long as I’ve known him. Diabetes, thyroid issues, problems with his knees and feet because of an injury when he was in the Navy. A year or so ago, he lost a lot of weight rapidly. So he just decided that magically he must not be diabetic or have thyroid issues anymore. He stopped going to the doctor, monitoring his blood glucose levels, or taking any of his meds. And lied to my bff about all of it, which is not new. (He’s always been a pathological liar. Bff’s car was once repossessed because he hadn’t been making payments and didn’t tell her. He lied and said his mom was making them.)

So his uncontrolled diabetes has caused his digestive system to stop working and caused such incredible damage to his hepatic vein that he now has full-blown cirrhosis of the liver. Not merely liver disease… we are past that. Cirrhosis. And they had to do a procedure to relieve the pressure on the hepatic vein. After this procedure, and because his liver doesn’t work, he needs to have 2-3 bowel movements every day to rid his body of toxins. Which he can’t in part because his digestive system is so damaged from the uncontrolled diabetes. He keeps getting hepatic encephalopathy where basically toxins build up until he loses his mind. Because he’s full of shit. Reading about this, you’re supposed to take enough of this laxative syrup to make you go 2-3 times a day. But he’s not doing that. He’s apparently gone 2-3 times in the last week, so now he’s back in the hospital with no idea what year it is or where he is.

BFF is stressed to the max. Her husband is terribly sick. But she didn’t raise hell when he wasn’t going every day like he was supposed to. And he wasn’t either. I mean, wouldn’t anyone with a working brain cell call the doc and say “So… I’m still not shitting and I’m scared I’m going to lose my mind again. So what do we do about my inability to shit?” And all of this was caused by his magical thinking that he just wasn’t diabetic anymore, which is the most incredibly dumb-assed thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

And I can’t say any of this out loud because BFF loves his stupid, full of shit ass, and he might get worse, and he might need a liver transplant in time, and this all just really sucks.

[mae0111]

mommyatty, I'm sorry. That's a lot. I'm like you, and I worry about everyone around me to the point of exhaustion. I have a very good friend that was struggling with his mental health at a time when I was really struggling with mine recently. I called him to check in and he was in terrible shape. I had to mentally prepare myself for the very real possibility that it would be the very last conversation that we had. BUT... I also knew that I had to protect myself, because I was not in any shape to absorb his struggles at that point.

So I'd just say to protect yourself and your own mental health through this, and only do what you can to help/support anyone else. Try to know your limits (I'm terrible about that, personally) and know what you can do.

[k3am]

I am curious about this scenario. PDQ, I will poof it.

[twinmomma]

k3am, Is it an outside sales kind of thing, where in person meetings would be make sense and he'd need to be on the road? In my org, the sales people wouldn't be doing face to face meetings, it's not that kind of sales. But being in the office more often would definitely "prove" to the sales managers that they're "doing more."

[k3am]

twinmomma, both. Prospecting is typically done on the road - events, buying people lunch, golfing, etc. Once you know there's interest, then it's a call/online.

I'm more caught up on being told a specific relatively specific instructions on where to not be and then disregarding them.

[waverly]

May 17, 2024 12:01:52 GMT -5 k3am said:

twinmomma, both. Prospecting is typically done on the road - events, buying people lunch, golfing, etc. Once you know there's interest, then it's a call/online.

I'm more caught up on being told a specific relatively specific instructions on where to not be and then disregarding them.

I took “So focused on sales that we rarely see you” to mean not see him managing or not see him in meetings because he is doing sales work. I didn’t take it to mean don’t come to the office and work from home.

I see what you are saying about networking and lunches out but I suppose either base (home or office) would suffice as a networking jumping off point. Is he doing enough sales field work in general?- might be more the question. How are his sales numbers before and after the change?

[livinitup]

k3am I don’t know either! It might be a bit premature to expect him to be “not around” immediately after the directive. It takes some fairly strategic planning to be out of the office and in front of potential decision makers to close a sale.

And you are not “wrong” to jump to being “I guess I work at home now”. Right?

Did it come across as harsh? Seems a bit harsh to drop his management role.

[dglvrk2]

campermom, wow, I wish I could give you a hug and buy you your favorite drink right now. Your son is so fortunate to have such an amazing Mama Lion.

I think it's wise to explore PANDAS. One of my dear friends is a pediatric psychologist and talks about the importance of thorough examination and support plans for patients.

And I love your comeback to your EXH!!

[dglvrk2]

May 16, 2024 11:27:31 GMT -5 186momx said:

We haven't done one in a while.

I opted DD out of state testing.  The last two days have been the only days this month she hasn't asked to not go to school!  She has been working in the elementary library during ELA state testing plus during her normal 7th period community service class.  She was so happy to go to school and be useful.  Yesterday she helped run kindergarten library time.  

DD friend drama from a few weeks ago has blown over.  DD has taken a step back and asked her teachers to please assign her a seat away from friend group because she doesn't want them relying on her to help or give them answers.  She says right now everyone is keeping secrets from her and will be chatting away and then gets super quiet when she joins and that is bugging her.  She flat out asked why, and no one will respond.

I'm relenting and getting DD a phone with phone number but not for school friend reasons.  Kids Messenger is just starting to not be reliable and 75% of her friends aren't using it anymore and none of the girls at the gym are so she needs to communicate about rides/carpooling for stuff over the summer.  Plus, it is obvious as a family we need more than 2GB of data.  

Big hugs to you and your daughter. Middle school in the spring... Just sucks. I'm glad she's finding pride and happiness in the 7th period class

We got DD1 a phone right before she started 6th grade. It's been a pretty good move. She's really shy and can connect to a lot of people over text. She babysits a lot and it's really good for to have her own device for communicating with us and parents while she's babysitting. There was a little phase of her being up late at night watching pointless videos etc. With the bullying situation in the past couple of months, she decided it would be best if we kept her phone after bedtime each night.

[erbear]

waverly, step back and read what you wrote again: “personally, I think she’d be happier without band”. That’s all you need to know.

[waverly]

May 19, 2024 17:34:49 GMT -5 erbear said:

waverly, step back and read what you wrote again: “personally, I think she’d be happier without band”. That’s all you need to know.

We did a pro con list and she still landed on quitting band. She really wants to do stem and 3D printing. Sad, but maybe sciences will be her path and this sets her in a path? Who knows?

[mae0111]

waverly, I'm very late as I tried to post a couple of times and my phone ate it... but I agree that it would be fine for your DD to drop band. She has so many good options to fill the time - not like she will be sitting idle.

I could use a little advice?

After DD2's club game, one of her coaches from last spring's travel team approached her. He told her that she'd played an amazing game the night before (he coached the other town team that her town team played). He asked her why she doesn't play like that for club? She just smiled and said thanks. But I'd been thinking the same thing...

So I asked her, and she started to cry. She said that the girls on the club team can be mean, and that they yell at her a lot. Drilling down, it's 1-2 kids in particular, who are awful to everyone except a select few. One kid has been extremely rude to me several times in the past, so I don't think she's necessarily targeting DD2 - I just think she's not a great kid. But DD2 said she feels isolated on her team. She could have been tired and just feeling down after a weekend of losses... but she has talked about this before. She doesn't want to leave the club.

So... any advice here on how to coach her? The kids are all 10-11 years old. It will likely be the same group of kids in the fall, with maybe 1-2 changes. The way that I left it with her yesterday was just to ignore the 1-2 bad apples and I told her that she is just as good of a player as they are, so she should stand her ground on the field and not let them dictate how she plays. I'm trying to boost her confidence on the team and in life. She's a kid that just likes everyone and tries to make everyone feel comfortable, so it hits her hard when stuff like this happens...

[186momx]

mae0111, could your DD2 skip club soccer for the fall and just play school soccer and town soccer. It sounds like the drama of club soccer is causing her to not enjoy playing it at that moment. Plus, school soccer and town soccer are a lot of soccer for the fall.

dglvrk2, I hope your DD has a better week. Only another month of school give or take.

[mommyatty]

mae0111, I think you should remind her that extracurricular activities are supposed to bring her some joy as well as serve another purpose. (Exercise, learning an instrument, etc.) So if the club isn’t sparking joy, then it’s an issue and either the club leadership will get their act together, or you’ll need to explore other options.

[mae0111]

mommyatty, 186momx, thank you. I've definitely floated dropping the club a few times, and she's adamant that she wants to stick with it. I tried to drill a bit deeper with her yesterday to understand WHY she wants to continue with the club. She said she loves her coach, she has a couple of friends on the team, and she wants to play more soccer. All ok... so I'm trying to figure out if these are isolated things that may take care of themselves as the kids mature, or if she's going to just keep feeling worse about herself.

I did find out that the coach that approached her is joining the club next season, and will be her assistant coach if she makes the team. When he coached her before, he brought out the best in her, and he tolerated no shenanigans from the kids. So maybe that will help?

Ugh. This age is so hard.

[waverly]

mae0111, Could you reach out to the coaches about the 2 girls behavior?

[mae0111]

waverly, I've had a few conversations on the topic with the coach. I've never named names, and I've only done it when I've witnessed the kids being unkind. Like - they're screaming things from the sidelines. In each case, he'd addressed it before I could even mention it to him. This is harder - it's on field, or in warmups, and it's quiet. As kids get older, they get smarter and sneakier. And DD2 needs to be able to navigate this nonsense at some point. I'm just terrible at it...

Her coach was on his phone for like 90% of the game yesterday. It's very unlike him, so I wondered if there was an issue in his personal life. Maybe I will send him a note to remind the kids that kindness counts and to encourage teammates.

It's just too bad. Friday night, DD2 played well for her other team, but she and her GK made a costly mistake that resulted in a goal for the other team. I watched DD2 and the GK huddle briefly, high-five, and walk away with smiles. She told me later that they just told each other to shake it off and get the goal back. THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE!