middle school aged bedtime routines, etc.

[CloudBee]

DS turned 11 back in March. For the last few years he's had a bedtime window sometime between 8-9pm. I think it was probably 6 months ago (?) that we transitioned from "in your room by 8:30pm, and lights off at 9pm", to "in your room by 9pm, and lights off whenever you feel ready."

Even with a 7 or 8pm wakeup, he's struggling to fall asleep before 10pm. He's acting like it's insomnia, but I think his body, this summer especially, needs less sleep. He swims for hours most days, and is really active in the summer, so it's a big change that he isn't passed out by 9pm. A big change for all of us.

He has hundreds of books in his room, we just put a desk in there with drawing supplies to keep him busy, and he has a bunch of 1 player puzzle type games. And the Legos. So many Legos. He probably has a million in there.

But... he doesn't love being awake, and alone. He says he's frustrated and bored. He's never really had problems with bedtime before. I never had to lay with him, rub his back, or sing songs to get this kid to sleep. Bedtime has always been pretty smooth. I'm sure there's a bit I've shoved to the back of my memories from the toddler years. The "more water" or "my toe itches" complaints. But overall, he's been a pro with bedtime and sleep. Now we're in this phase of coming out excessively for stupid reasons, because he just doesn't want to be in his bedroom at 9pm.

If I don't get kid-free time from 9pm'ish onward, I will lose my sanity. I don't think I had free-reign of the house after 9 or 10pm until I was well into high school. So what's the norm?

His room is tech-free, and we are pretty much screen-free with him by 8pm. At 9pm "I" finally get some TV time, if I want. (Or at least the couch in a quiet room.) So I really don't want him hanging out in the living room. He can't watch everything I may put on the TV at that hour. Other nights I'm in there with DH catching up on all of the things we don't want falling on the ears of an 11 year old. There's really no other place for DS unless he sits in the library off of our hallway and reads. He's a bit of a busy-body, though, and if he sat there for hours reading on his own, he would be all up in our business. There's no door on the library. 

Tell me what your 11-13 year old / 6-8th grader bedtime routines and rules are. And what age did you let your kids have full access to the house regardless of the hour?

I would love advice on how to help him through this transition of naturally not being able to fall asleep as early as he used to. He seems frustrated with having this new open-ended time. 

[daisyduck]

I'm not exactly in your situation, but my DD (8) started going to bed around 9:45 or 10:00 about 6 months ago. She is hanging out with us in the living room right up until she goes to bed. I don't really love that my downtime starts so late, but it is infinitely better than when she used to make up excuses to come out of her room over and over for an hour+ each night. DD sleeps until 7:45 or so each morning and just doesn't need more sleep than that.

I think it's probably time to figure out a new routine that doesn't involve your son going to his room every night by 9:00. Maybe you can have downtime in your room, maybe he could be in other rooms as long as he was being independent/letting you chill?

I would consider yourself lucky it's been easy and he's gone to bed early for this long.

[mccallister84]

My kids aren’t that old, but I distinctly remember that when my bedtime was too early that I would be awake forever because I just wasn’t tired. I vividly remember when my bedtime moved from 9 to 9:30. When sent to bed at 9, I would be up for a while (much more than 30 minutes) but once it got pushed back I fell asleep pretty instantly.

It doesn’t help with your need for downtime, I know, but perhaps shifting the bedtime a little later will help.

[krystee]

My friend with older kids tends to put herself in her room at 9. The kids can have the family room, and she watches TV or reads in bed. This may not work if it's the people he wants and not access to the house.

[lo]

My daughter is 10, but she has to go to her room by 8:30. On weekends we sometimes let her watch shows on her iPad for half hour or so, but other than that she just has to figure out how to entertain herself, and that’s not my problem, lol. These days she mostly ends up reading. I straight up tell all my kids I’m done parenting at 8.

[lucky3]

DD is 10 has to stay in her room after 8:30 ish but can read, craft, really anything screen free. There are definitely nights she is up until 11 or later, but I go to bed at 10. The most important part for our family was that she be independent and in her room after 8:30. Mommy is exhausted and can’t parent any more.

[heygrey]

DS is 10 and has to be in his room by 8:30, lights out by 9 on school nights (he would fall asleep quickly this past school year, we'll see what grade 5 brings and maybe flex that 9pm lights out). He is a highly social person, I am not. I often solo parent from 3pm-bedtime. I prioritize his social/emotional wellbeing all evening and after 8:30 it's his turn to prioritize mine. It's part of being a respectful, kind member of our family. If he can't stay in his room after 8:30, then we'll go back to an in bed/lights out bedtime which is way less fun than being awake quietly. So far we haven't needed consequences.

[joy]

My parents gave up on bedtimes around 8. It was 8pm and I’d hide in the house so they couldn't find me. Eventually they were like “omg, whatever.” Ha.

I could do whatever but one room was for the parents. My sister and I could not watch TV or read in there. I have no idea what they watched, “boring adult shows” like “Murder, She Wrote” probably. But this is how they balanced us and them when we all wanted to relax at the same time.

[fancynewbeesly]

DD is 13. Her summer bedtime during the week is usually 9:30-10. Weekends it is 10:30-11.

However, even though she likes spending time with us she isn’t needy. Usually we will watch a movie or tv show together. Or I’ll be in the family room reading and she is in the kitchen building legos. Or in her room drawing. So to me it isn’t a big deal because the six year old has been super clingy and needy so this is time that I get to enjoy her without her sister. Sometimes I will be outside with DH and she does her own thing. She will not go to bed after me though.

[waverly]

Our bedtime used to be 9. We are noticing the kids are naturally up and it’s on its way to 9:30. Kids are 11 and 13.

[pierogigirl]

During school, my middle schooler has a 9:30 bedtime. During summer, I let him stay up until 10.

[ssmjlm]

So school year bedtime and summer bedtime is two different things in our house.

Last summer we started letting her watch tv in our upstairs bonus room until 10. She would tuck us in, then watch tv. We still have work schedules and even with day camps, 10pm was mostly fine for her. She is very good about knowing her body and sometimes will say she’s tired and go to bed herself earlier.

School year had a hard stop of 9pm in her room. She has books, Alexa, a desk, etc. No screens or devices in her room. She was pretty good and tired and mostly was asleep by 9:30/10.

This summer at 11, we’ve given her a little later to 11 to watch tv. She does have a phone, but she doesn’t use it after 9pm or earlier. Just depends on the day.

I will say she’s ver active and social this summer, so she typically sleeps about 10:30 to 8am on her own. Some camps have her up a bit earlier, but she’s doing well adjusting.

She starts 6th in August and we’ll see how bedtime goes. She’s in her dance studios company, plus horseback riding. Plus all her social stuff, so we may be a bit stricter on non-screen times for anything not HW related.

ETA: even if we’re all up, she has a tv in her playroom downstairs or she can go in our bonus room upstairs and watch. I’m fine with her staying up and watching a show. It’s not in her room and she self regulates well so far.

[acr]

Podcasts were what DS started consuming as his bedtime distraction when he didn't want total quiet. From about ages 11-13, I'd guess my DS stayed up later (maybe 11-12pm? during summers and weekends bc he'd be gaming with friends. That tended to be when social stuff would happen). At 14, he's gotten good in the past year or so about shutting down earlier and going to sleep. More typically he's going to sleep between 10-11 now.

[Deleted]

Just to check — is it dark and cool in his room? This time of year the sun sets so late that it can still be too light to fall asleep at 9-9:30. Blackout curtains and a lower temp in the room can help the body wind down. Some people also recommend a warm shower right before bed, so as the body cools off it sends a signal to the brain to start winding down.

Having said all that, if the later bedtime isn’t causing issues waking up for whatever he needs to do in the morning (camp, chores, whatever) then I’d probably let him stay up a little later.

My son is 10 and I’m having trouble letting go of the idea that he has to be asleep before I can go to sleep. But, it’s actually fine for him to be awake later than me. I go to bed at 9! During the school year we push an earlier bedtime because he has to be awake at 6:15 to leave for school by 7, but over the summer camp doesn’t start till 9…so a later bedtime works okay.

[dcn]

My 11 year old is in his room between 9-9:30 and listens to an audiobook or sleep story to fall asleep.

[sugarbear1]

My kids are 11 and 14. All tech is off at 9:30 and they are in their rooms at that point. I have one who will read and fall asleep fairly quickly and one who will be up for an hour or so putting around in his room or reading.

I need to be in bed myself by 10, but they do occasionally still come chat with me.

[nicolewi]

We have never had a point at which they have to be in the rooms having quiet time before lights out, other than that I would read to them just before lights out.

During the school year, with my husband usually not home in the evening, evenings feel like a frantic rush for me. I can barely get everything done and manage to get them to bed at a semi-decent time. So getting them in their rooms earlier for downtime would be really hard. Between all the activities, dinner, homework, instrument practices, showers… It’s a struggle.

[thebreakfastclub]

Putting my 11yo in his room alone with books for an hour each night is not a thing in my house. His bedtime in summer is more like 9:30, maybe as late as 9:45 but not preferred.

We will watch a TV show that we all can enjoy that ends at bedtime. Right now it's The Mole on Netflix. I work in office 3 days a week so my time after my child goes to bed is indeed limited some nights before I go to bed myself.

I don't know what else to suggest but I don't have any interest in reading before bed so I understand why a kid wouldn't. Sounds boring.

[SusanBAnthony]

I need my alone time so we've always sent the kids to bed at 8:30-9 to read or whatever. Now as they are high schoolers it is more likely that I either put myself to bed or I tell them to get lost out of the family room so i can have alone time or time with H.

Does your living room have a door? I think all houses benefit from a living space w8th a door, whether it's the kitchen, dining room, living room, or library. Maybe putting a door in somewhere would be the easiest solution as this is only going to get "worse" for the next 7 years.

[erbear]

Mine are older (13 and 15) but during the school year, I send them up to bed at 10. Some nights, they shower first and come hang out with us until then, other nights, we don't see them after they go up to shower. I know they don't go to sleep until close to 11-12, but we have to get up at 6:45 and that's what it is. 

Given their druthers (in the summer, on weekends), they go to bed at 12:30 and wake up at 11:30. So they definitely need sleep but they are legit not tired at 10.

[erbear]

Jul 21, 2024 12:20:10 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

Putting my 11yo in his room alone with books for an hour each night is not a thing in my house. His bedtime in summer is more like 9:30, maybe as late as 9:45 but not preferred.

We will watch a TV show that we all can enjoy that ends at bedtime. Right now it's The Mole on Netflix. I work in office 3 days a week so my time after my child goes to bed is indeed limited some nights before I go to bed myself.

I don't know what else to suggest but I don't have any interest in reading before bed so I understand why a kid wouldn't. Sounds boring.

Hilarious. That's my dream...I often read for an hour + in bed before I go to sleep, and so does my younger daughter.

[abs]

DD is 13 and doesn’t really have a bedtime. She goes up to her room between 8-9 though and does her own thing. Right now she’s hugely into fantasy books and stays until 10:30/11 reading. Wakes up around 9. During the school year she falls asleep a bit earlier.

Around 11 is when we got a lot looser with an actual bedtime. She is pretty good about getting enough sleep on her own.

[thebreakfastclub]

Jul 21, 2024 18:37:52 GMT -5 erbear said:

Jul 21, 2024 12:20:10 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

Putting my 11yo in his room alone with books for an hour each night is not a thing in my house. His bedtime in summer is more like 9:30, maybe as late as 9:45 but not preferred.

We will watch a TV show that we all can enjoy that ends at bedtime. Right now it's The Mole on Netflix. I work in office 3 days a week so my time after my child goes to bed is indeed limited some nights before I go to bed myself.

I don't know what else to suggest but I don't have any interest in reading before bed so I understand why a kid wouldn't. Sounds boring.

Hilarious. That's my dream...I often read for an hour + in bed before I go to sleep, and so does my younger daughter.

I do realize this place is really into reading. I really do not want to read one more thing than I need to for my job. Being stuck alone in my room with a book is not everyone's cup of tea. If the kid hates it, time for plan b.

[dcrunnergirl52]

Kids are almost DD14, DS14 DS11, and DS6. The kids and I all go upstairs to the bedrooms around 9:30pm. DD and DS3 go right to sleep, DS1 stays up for hours reading or playing in his room, DS2 (11) does Duolingo on his phone for a little while and then falls asleep around 10pm or so. I stay up and doom scroll or read until way too late most nights.

Before bed, DS14 and DS11 usually spend from 8-9:30pm in the basement watching TV or playing video games together. DS6 hangs out playing with toys and watching tablet. Some night, DD watches shows with DH and I, or she'll do stuff in her room and come down around 9pm, and we'll watch an episode of The Office together. We don't care what everyone is doing but it basically has to be calm and/or let DH and I watch TV, so we can all wind down.

[ssmjlm]

I meant to put this in my post, but I don't need her to be asleep to have down time. She sometimes chooses to watch a show after dinner that is just hers, so she's in her playroom with the door shut and we're in the family room watching something else.

Same with before bed. I can go up and be in bed at 830 to read or have some quiet and she's somewhere in the house doing her thing.

It was definitely a mind shift over the last few years, but I think just part of kids growing up.

[midwestmama]

We struggle with this at our house. During the last school year (DD-7th grade (13), DS-8th grade (14)), bedtime was 9:00-9:30 pm. DD naturally falls asleep later (around 10:00-10:30 pm), while DS will fall asleep pretty quickly (and he needs more sleep). What I'm thinking for this upcoming school year (DS just turned 15 recently, DD turns 14 in February) is a 9:30 bedtime, but let DD read until 10:00 or so if she wants.

[karinothing]

DS is about to turn 13. We don't have a set rule, but he is typically in his room by 9pm. He reads before bed and doesn't seem to have an issue with it for now. But honestly, he would mostly rather be in his room doing moody teenage things then with us anyway apparently.

[julygal]

10 on school nights. Midnight on weekends, school breaks, etc. They are pretty good at self-regulating and getting enough sleep & will go to bed earlier some nights.

If I need time away from them, they go to a different part of the house or I head to my room early.

[186momx]

DD 13 has always been in bed way earlier than her peers. Last school year it was between 8-8:30 and summer is between 8:30-9pm. That said her body clock wakes her up between 7:30-8am and her sleeping in is maybe 8:15. None of her friends understand how she can sleep for 10-11hrs a night during the school year.

DD or I cannot read before bed as a wind down. Reading actually winds us both up as we get so involved in our book that it is a constant 1 more chapter. DD usually watches TV for 20-40 minutes before bed in the living room. This works as I can say 1 more episode or 1 show. If I want quiet time I go to my room and chill as I personally need to go to sleep between 9-9:30.

[CloudBee]

Thanks for sharing all of your routines and suggestions. There's such a wide range of times and approaches!

I will address the "being thrown in his bedroom with a book." He's been reading in his room, alone, for years, happy as a clam. I state that he has hundreds of books in his room, so clearly he loves reading. It's not the being "thrown into his room with a book" that's the problem. It's that he's a social butterfly, suddenly seems to need less sleep, and we are tired introverts who need a bit of space at the end of the night.

Unfortunately our main living space / living room & kitchen have no doors. I could watch something on the TV with headphones, or even remove myself to the finished basement and allow DS to sit in the library some nights. Then he wouldn't feel as much alone in his room, but I would still get my space. I think what I am now realizing the problem is, is that we're introverts putting in a lot of effort until 9pm for our extrovert. We really need to stop talking and socializing come 9pm. I would rather sit alone than with someone next to me on the couch, who's tempted to ask me what I'm reading, watching, or snacking on. LOL. I actually addressed this with him today, about how I feel he's not respecting my boundaries by coming to talk to me about things that aren't even problems after 9pm, just as a way to get more time with people. It's causing my need for private time / space in the evenings to lack, and as a result I know that makes me a cranky parent when he walks out of his room to talk after 9pm.

I'm thankful it's summer and we have more flexibility of figure this out than the fall when more of our activities pick back up.

We have a Yoto player arriving this week so he can listen to audio books in his bedroom without having a screen in front of him. I'm curious to see how that goes. DH is loading a bunch of new books onto cards for him so he will have a wide selection to start with.

Thanks for all of the feedback. We're going to keep discussing this as a family, because it sounds like we all need to meet in the middle to manage everyone's separate needs.