work travel - go or stay home?

[ssmjlm]

mpc, can you just take him out of the equation and get grandparent help for while you are gone? I would do everything you can to go on this work trip.


He's manipulating you because he knows you're done and he's doing everything he can to keep you coming back. You and your kids deserve better.

[Vespasia]

mpc I honestly don't think you can take him at his word. It's really just about manipulating and controlling you. Even if he does legitimately have concerns about his ability to physically function, the fact that he is making this all about how you're not supportive enough really just shows how emotionally abusive he is.

[emilyinchile]

You don't feel empathy because you aren't dealing with this situation in a vacuum. He has, through his behavior, earned your current attitude toward him. The shutting down instead of being open to you looking for ways to support him is not the behavior of a grown up partner.

I would encourage you to set a boundary here of "I have to go to work, especially right now when we've got this uncertainty of your future employment. I will help you coordinate whatever logistical help you need from our families/whoever, but if you just want to pout about it or blame me then I'm not going to participate in that."

[jobae1234]

I don’t understand. Has he completely stopped driving and working because he lost vision in one eye? My mom has been blind in one eye her entire life. He’s expecting you to drop everything including your career and be his caregiver because of partial vision loss?

With my husband’s medical issues, the times when I’ve felt the most resentful and disconnected were the times when I suspected that he could do better if he tried, but feeling sorry for himself or getting into clinical depression stopped him. I’ve tried to be sympathetic to a degree without enabling, which is a fine line. Luckily my husband got himself into therapy and was very proactive about managing his mental health through it all.

Basically unless you feel like he’s doing his best, it’s going to be REALLY hard to be sympathetic at all.

Also, if you’re thinking about divorce, are you thinking about alimony etc? If he’s saying he can’t work and can’t care for the kids alone, what does that mean for a possible divorce? Like… do you need to hurry up and divorce him before he declines further? That sounds horrible but he’s playing at being helpless and it’s scaring me for your future.

[waverly]

Is he currently driving or working? I guess I don't understand if he is currently driving and working then you leave the country all of a sudden he can't do those things.

Regarding the kids, it sounds like he doesn't want to care for them while you are gone. Not that he can't do it, but that he doesn't want to. Also he sounds depressed and anxious.

[SusanBAnthony]

jobae1234 those were my exact thoughts.

DTMF now before his nonsense gets even more nonsensical!

I would go on the trip and tell him he will either have both therapy and help from the grandparents arranged, or he will be moving to the grandparents when you return.

He's using his medical issues to avoid taking responsibility and to prey on your sympathy.

The nerve.

Regarding if this was a happy marriage, H would be fine with me going (i'd have my parents help / be on call for driving) but would probably want me to be more available to talk than usual.

I actually have gone through something similar regarding a spouse's medical problem causing a bit of a mental health meltdown or anxiety tailspin- my H had a heart attack and triple bypass in his 30's. He did not cope with it well to say the least. I eventually lost my patience with being his sole support and told him I was done, he needs to find a friend or a therapist. It wasn't a good dynamic for me to be his therapist and it didnt help his mental health or our marriage.

[deadwing]

Is he driving currently? If so, he can drive for now. If he suddenly becomes unable to drive, he has local grandparents to call. If they are unavailable, there is always Lyft/Uber.

Please go and enjoy your work trip. And maybe schedule a consult with a divorce attorney for when you get back...

[waverly]

In our healthy marriage, DH would invite himself along and coordinate his parents and my mom to watch the kids. He loves to travel.

If he wasn't able to go along, the kids are old enough to manage themselves, so he would do it with no problem and we would reach out to some people about carpooling for sports practices since DD and DS's practice end/ start times overlap.

[followyourarrow]

I'm sorry you're going through all this right now. I'd go, I think it's important for your career and it's probably important for you for your mental health. FI would absolutely support me going, I go on work trips semi often. Considering his health issues and not knowing what the future may hold, I think you absolutely need to put work first and not cancel on them last minute. Because you don't know what your future is with your H, I think you need to prioritize yourself and your financial health, which means going.

[UMaineTeach]

Go

[wanderingback]

I’m sorry the conversation didn’t go well.
In order to alleviate my own annoyance and not be mad the whole trip I would certainly try to help arrange things so he has help while he’s gone.

I know you said the grandparents are local, can they live at your house while you’re gone?

I’m traveling a bunch this fall and for 1 trip my mom is coming to stay with my partner and toddler.

Again, I think he’s absolutely being an ass and manipulative, but instead of just saying fuck you at this point I would try to set up specific help like the grandparents if that’s possible/you all have good relationships with him just to set my mind at ease a bit and then go enjoy the trip.

[mrsukyankee]

I'm in a happy marriage. My husband would wish me well on my trip AND we'd talk about what would happen if he needed emergency surgery (I'd fly back ASAP if need be - this is what trip insurance is for). Otherwise, he'd get support from others and call cabs if he needed a ride when no one could help. And we'd talk daily to check in and support each other that way.

[dexteroni]

Please don't cancel this trip. Make arrangements with the grandparents to give him whatever help he needs, and go. I get that a mysterious medical issue is stressful, but based on your updates and your past posts about how he responds to a crisis or honestly even just a mild disagreement, I don't think his reaction is about the medical situation at all. It sounds like he wants you to be available at all times to cater to his every need and whim, and even when you do, it isn't enough or exactly right. That's no way for you to live. I know you said things had improved and that he doesn't want you to make any relationship decisions based on the last couple months. But if he falls apart for *months* at a time in a crisis, and acts negatively toward your attempts to discuss doing anything other than exactly what he wants you to, he hasn't really improved. I'm sorry about that. Good luck to you.

[dexteroni]

Aug 20, 2024 8:40:18 GMT -5 mpc said:

I tried to ask him what specific concerns were so we could try to set up plans to mitigate them... But it's like that conversation was a nonstarter. Even just talking about it was more evidence of how I don't care about him.

Because there probably aren't any specific concerns other than his own selfishness, and he doesn't want to say that. If it was really just a matter of arranging help with rides, food, whatever, he would have been able to tell you that. You are not at fault for not feeling bad, because his intentions are dishonest. At this point I feel like he's just being difficult to make things harder for you. He's essentially throwing a tantrum. This is not about his health. It's about his own issues and his inability / refusal to be a good spouse.

[mofongo]

Yeah, need to know if he's currently working and driving.

[wildrice]

Aug 20, 2024 10:22:58 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Aug 20, 2024 8:40:18 GMT -5 mpc said:

I tried to ask him what specific concerns were so we could try to set up plans to mitigate them... But it's like that conversation was a nonstarter. Even just talking about it was more evidence of how I don't care about him.

Because there probably aren't any specific concerns other than his own selfishness, and he doesn't want to say that. If it was really just a matter of arranging help with rides, food, whatever, he would have been able to tell you that. You are not at fault for not feeling bad, because his intentions are dishonest. At this point I feel like he's just being difficult to make things harder for you. He's essentially throwing a tantrum. This is not about his health. It's about his own issues and his inability / refusal to be a good spouse.

I'm just going to echo this and dexteroni's post above this. He is purposely being difficult to make you feel bad. He is not behaving in good faith and that's why you don't feel as bad as you "should".

This won't be the last health or other crisis in his lifetime so you also need to decide if you want to have to do this again and again.

I am sorry - I feel like regardless of what you do, he has already ruined the trip for you. It might be good to be able to get away from him for the week and see how you feel being apart. IMO there are few things more empowering than solo travel so I think it might be really good for you.

[wanderingback]

Ok I rarely do I do this, but I looked back at your posts and see you told him you wanted a divorce 6 months ago. Are you in therapy?

Obviously you should definitely go on this trip and carry on with the divorce when you get back. I’m sorry, he treats you horribly and you shouldn’t let his manipulative behavior deter you. I would still try to get the grandparents to stay with the family while your gone just so he can have some help and then come back and meet with a therapist and lawyer.

[hermione]

Given your latest update, I would find alternate care for the kids and pack my bags for the trip. He's an adult, he'll figure out the rest.

[mommyatty]

I’m going to comment on your comment that you are having trouble feeling empathy. I don’t think you are. And that’s causing this cognitive dissonance for you because every empathetic bit of your being is saying “he’s worried about his sight but also pushing me away because he lacks the ability to accept my help and support for his own reasons”, which is RIGHT but you’re hearing from him “You’re doing support and help wrong and you lack empathy and you are at fault for my feelings.” When not only do you know it’s factually wrong, but the empathetic part of you is also telling you even he doesn’t believe the BS coming out of his mouth.

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

He can't articulate what he needs help with because he's full of shit.

[followyourarrow]

Aug 20, 2024 13:34:57 GMT -5 Nugget T. Brain, The OG said:

He can't articulate what he needs help with because he's full of shit.

I really love how you just cut through all the BS.

[hbomdiggity]

My husband was sooo upset when I didn’t fly home from a work-then-family trip when he had an emergency appendectomy. I took care of all the logistics for DS and flew his mom out (no local family). But it was the emotional part that I didn’t really consider since I grew up around medicine and knew it was a routine procedure. I still would make the same decision though.

Your H’s issues seem a bit more complex, but yet also unknown. And it’s Europe. I would probably go, but be ready to come home if needed (medical change).

[jobae1234]

Aug 20, 2024 13:34:57 GMT -5 Nugget T. Brain, The OG said:

He can't articulate what he needs help with because he's full of shit.

Right. I kinda went along with the thread but then I went back to the beginning and he’s lost half the vision in one eye. That’s definitely scary. But, he can’t drive or work or care for kids because 1/4 of his vision is gone? 3/4 of his vision isn’t enough for everyday life? It’s hard to sympathize with how scary it must be for him because of the absolute lie that he’s completely incapacitated which is being layered over top.

[bittybomb]

I would go. My husband would never hold me back no matter what was going in, and I would show him the same support if the roles were reversed.

But I honestly think whether you go or you don’t, the damage here is already done.

[momof2]

It is actually ok to “not care” about someone who has been a jackass for years. You don’t have to spend your time and energy on this nonsense.

And as I said before, I’m happily married. But, there are still times my husband and I “don’t care” that much about a particular issue bothering the other one. I mean we try not to be jerks, but sometimes the other one just has to work through their own crap.

Your husband is being histrionic to suck you into his vortex of control. It is ok for you to say “listen, you are going to have to sort out what you need, because I will be both working and seeing the cathedrals of Europe. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.”

What is the worst thing that happens? He divorces you?? Isn’t that what you really want anyway?

[pixy0stix]

Amazing that he suddenly gets worse when you don't immediately acquiesce to his demands.

[maudefindlay]

He got burned out being your caregiver in your time of need to the point that you felt you had to help care for the kids when you weren't quite up to it yet. When DH's Mom was dying he also had major work stuff going on including international travel and he had kidney stones during this time too and I believe a bout of bronchitis. We had 3 kids ages 5 to 9. You know who took care of all the kid and house and general life stuff? Me. You know who was tired as fuck? Me. You know who complained about being drained to DH to guilt him into helping me? Not me. Not saying people have to suffer in silence, but I trust DH knew and understood I was stressed and drained, but he definitely let me know I was appreciated. I kept going and we got thru it. If he was burned out he could have arranged some respite for himself thru grandparents, not dump on you. Also, I know it's an anecdote, but a girl a few years older than me in school lost her left eye in an accident. She missed maybe two weeks of school. She still made honor roll, did sports, was Homecoming Queen, drove to school, got scholarships.....I'm sure in private she had down moments and cried and maybe did counseling, but she was nice to her friends and classmates and was well liked. Not a doctor and don't know your H's full health issues, but my gut is he is lying about needing more help than he does.

[gummy]

Before I read the thread, and realized there were bigger issues at play, I was going to say you should go. After reading the thread and knowing the background, you should definitely go. This isn't something that came up last minute, he's been dealing with it, this may be his new normal, he's not entirely blind, and you're trying to help and mitigate problems in all the ways you can while still going on this trip but he just wants you home. It's control. Normally I wouldn't say that, but it seems pretty clear to me.

[TR]

I’ve looked at your posts and you have told this man multiple times over the last year that you want a divorce and every time he sucks you back in with manipulation. Go on the trip and when you get back, get a lawyer and file some papers.

[ksun]

I would go and not feel guilty one bit