@ Invite wording - Update pg 2

[wanderingback]

Sept 2, 2024 6:17:36 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Sept 1, 2024 18:46:13 GMT -5 sandandsea said:

I would just put adults only or an adult event on the invite, otherwise kids will come. My sister wanted adults only for hers too because kids become the center of it all and distraction and interruption. I put adult event on the invite and people still asked for special exceptions to bring their kids and one still came and brought their 4 month old baby (and as such couldn’t do all of the events or hang out the whole time). All that to say, if she doesn’t want kids be bold and firm about it. It likely means someone won’t be able to attend but they do change the party vibe.

I would be so embarrassed if I was a first time mom having a baby shower, said a friend/family member couldn’t bring a likely breastfeeding infant, then had my own baby and understood how ridiculous that was. Do these people still speak, and if so, do they laugh about this?

I get not wanting toddler and older if it changes the vibe. But man our society is so wild for wanting to exclude infants from literal baby showers.

Yeah long wow at that. And of course they might not have been able to take part in everything but who cares?! And even if they weren’t breastfeeding 4 months is still a time trying to get the hang of schedules and whatnot, so I’m sure many moms/parents feel more comfortable staying with their baby.

[sent]

Just say kids aren't welcome on the invite.

Then reach out to those whose kids are welcome and tell them they can bring their kids.

I went to a party like this. The invitation didn't specify so I asked if I could bring mine and was told no, this is adults only. When I got there, a few kids of the host's extended family or friends were there. I wasn't offended as I could see how the "vibe" of this party would have been thrown off by those kids we know cause trouble while their parents ignore them, but maybe others would be.

[jorja]

I would just hire a babysitter to run some activities for kids. It’ll cost like $100 and save you all this headache.

[rosiebear]

Sept 2, 2024 8:33:25 GMT -5 sent said:

Just say kids aren't welcome on the invite.

Then reach out to those whose kids are welcome and tell them they can bring their kids.

I went to a party like this. The invitation didn't specify so I asked if I could bring mine and was told no, this is adults only. When I got there, a few kids of the host's extended family or friends were there. I wasn't offended as I could see how the "vibe" of this party would have been thrown off by those kids we know cause trouble while their parents ignore them, but maybe others would be.

I think you are a gracious exception to the rule: many people will definitely be offended to be told “no kids,” ponied up for a sitter or made other arrangements, just to arrive and see other kids there. I’d definitely be wtf (not babies, of course-I’m side eyeing excluding an infant)

[lust2hart]

Aug 31, 2024 21:11:32 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

Aug 31, 2024 21:08:03 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

I’m a bit confused. Is the invite trying to dissuade children from coming or do they want parents comfortable coming with their kids?

I would just want it clearly communicated whether or not I needed childcare. I would not expect any activities for children in general.

She's not opposed to kids being there. Just wants to make it clear there's not going to be anything for kids to do there, so watch/parent your children. 

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow to hopefully convince her to let me word the invite and RSVP for adults only. But she feels like she's being exclusionary for those who have sticky circumstances

I would also point out that if she wants to be able to talk with her guests, allowing them to bring their kids and then expecting them to watch those kids is not conducive to that goal. When I hang out with my friends who are parenting their young kids, I have, at most, about 50% of their attention. And I don’t mean that in a snarky way, just stating that it is what it is. I know that in this particular season of life, if I want quality time with those friends, it has to be in an adult-only environment or, if the kids are around, someone else needs to be actively engaged with them.

[sent]

Sept 2, 2024 9:13:50 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

Sept 2, 2024 8:33:25 GMT -5 sent said:

Just say kids aren't welcome on the invite.

Then reach out to those whose kids are welcome and tell them they can bring their kids.

I went to a party like this. The invitation didn't specify so I asked if I could bring mine and was told no, this is adults only. When I got there, a few kids of the host's extended family or friends were there. I wasn't offended as I could see how the "vibe" of this party would have been thrown off by those kids we know cause trouble while their parents ignore them, but maybe others would be.

I think you are a gracious exception to the rule: many people will definitely be offended to be told “no kids,” ponied up for a sitter or made other arrangements, just to arrive and see other kids there. I’d definitely be wtf (not babies, of course-I’m side eyeing excluding an infant)

It was like 4 older kids. Mine were like 8 and 4 at the time. I felt a tiny bit annoyed because I know my kids are usually rule followers and bring their own entertainment stuff when out in company. But the host’s house was on a lake so I could see the dangers of letting everyone bring kids of all ages.

We’ve almost always split up adult duties when we have these kinds of no-kid invites to avoid hassling with a sitter. One parent stays home and the other parent attends the event. But most families probably don’t do it this way.

[wildrice]

Sept 2, 2024 9:13:50 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

Sept 2, 2024 8:33:25 GMT -5 sent said:

Just say kids aren't welcome on the invite.

Then reach out to those whose kids are welcome and tell them they can bring their kids.

I went to a party like this. The invitation didn't specify so I asked if I could bring mine and was told no, this is adults only. When I got there, a few kids of the host's extended family or friends were there. I wasn't offended as I could see how the "vibe" of this party would have been thrown off by those kids we know cause trouble while their parents ignore them, but maybe others would be.

I think you are a gracious exception to the rule: many people will definitely be offended to be told “no kids,” ponied up for a sitter or made other arrangements, just to arrive and see other kids there. I’d definitely be wtf (not babies, of course-I’m side eyeing excluding an infant)

Yeah out of all of these, I think saying no kids and then inviting some kids is the worst plan. Maybe if it was something like a step kid or even the kids of the person throwing the shower, fine, but you don't want to invite kids of some people with equal closeness to the guest of honor and exclude others. If you are going to do that, you may as well just call the parents of unruly kids and say plainly that you don't want their kids there. They will figure that out when they arrive and see other kids there anyway!

If the parents with kids can't come if they can't bring their kids, I am sure they will be ok. Just make it adults only and keep things simple.

I think actual babies could be an understandable exception and someone could reach out to them directly and tell them it's ok to bring them.

[Poppy]

Like others have said, if you put adults only on the invite and then quietly invite certain children, it's potentially awkward or upsetting to pretty much everyone involved.

I like the "adults-only preferred" language from jennistarr1. That lets everyone know they're appreciated for trying to find alternate arrangements while hopefully lowering resentment for those who have to bring their kids.

[yourmother]

If you do end up having people come over with their unruly kids, could you designate one of the hosts to bring the children back to their parents when they wander away and/or act up?

Here’s a response that ChatGPT recommends: "Hey [Parent's Name], I just wanted to check in and make sure everything is good with [Child's Name]. We want to keep everyone safe and having a great time, so if you could keep an eye on them, it would be really helpful. Thanks so much for your understanding!"

[yourmother]

Or on the invitation write, “Adults and well behaved children welcome.”

Sets the expectation for your child to behave. And then have a child-bouncer at the event.

I’ve been to too many events with this nonsense and I wish people would manage their children. It can really spoil an event.

[TR]

Sept 2, 2024 15:53:13 GMT -5 yourmother said:

Or on the invitation write, “Adults and well behaved children welcome.”

Sets the expectation for your child to behave. And then have a child-bouncer at the event.

I’ve been to too many events with this nonsense and I wish people would manage their children. It can really spoil an event.

I feel like I’d change this to “Adults welcome and well-behaved children tolerated” because that’s what it feels like the mother-to-be really means.

[Jalapeñomel]

To me an open house party means people don’t stick around for long periods of time, so maybe those unruly kids won’t be too much of a bother since they don’t have to sit for games and gifts or whatever else happens at baby showers.

[dexteroni]

Sept 2, 2024 10:00:40 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

Aug 31, 2024 21:11:32 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

She's not opposed to kids being there. Just wants to make it clear there's not going to be anything for kids to do there, so watch/parent your children. 

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow to hopefully convince her to let me word the invite and RSVP for adults only. But she feels like she's being exclusionary for those who have sticky circumstances

I would also point out that if she wants to be able to talk with her guests, allowing them to bring their kids and then expecting them to watch those kids is not conducive to that goal. When I hang out with my friends who are parenting their young kids, I have, at most, about 50% of their attention. And I don’t mean that in a snarky way, just stating that it is what it is. I know that in this particular season of life, if I want quality time with those friends, it has to be in an adult-only environment or, if the kids are around, someone else needs to be actively engaged with them.

This! “Bring your kids, but watch them, but also be available to sit and visit with me” isn’t a feasible combination. So either kid free or have someone to occupy the kids. She just needs to choose one or the other so you know how to proceed.

[DotAndBuzz]

UPDATE:

So I talked to her, and I'm ready to drop kick her H. Turns out SHE wants adults only. HE is holding the line on kids. So she's like, fine, you want kids there, YOU are the one to tell your friends (who are the ones who don't supervise their kids) to watch their kids, and if they don't behave YOU are the one to deal with it. I'm not spending my baby shower babysitting. His response was "no, I'm not doing that, that's not a compromise."

Livid would be an understatement to where she's at right now.

I personally don't GAF if I make his friends bristle, having heard, in detail, how they have behaved with their kids in the past, so if they roll in with kids and flake, I have no problem nicely asking them to attend to their kids.

Invite is going to be worded as a baby shower open-house, so that it's clear it's a baby shower (thus boring for kids). RSVP wording will be "please RSVP with number of adults in attendance, or regrets." So not specifically saying adults only (he didn't want that), but also not opening the door wide open for kids. If they do come, I don't anticipate they'll eat much, since it's not going to be kid-friendly/focused food. If anyone asks, I'll address it directly that neither the hosts, nor guests of honor will be able to watch kids, and it's going to be boring AF for them.

previous invite draft revised to remove that snippet I asked about.

[jennistarr1]

I like the update

Well...not the husband part, but I like what you did there

my SIL insisted on her kids ( who I LOVE but) be invited to my bachelorette party, but she didn't want them at my shower. My husband came to me and ...long story short husbands are stupid

[ellipses84]

Is it a co-ed shower? Either way, I think the solution is that the husband needs to be responsible for dealing with any unruly children at the shower. I feel like there’s never a great solution to this problem because the people who cause issues are the ones who don’t know / care about etiquette so you might have someone RSVP 1 adult and still show up with their 3 kids.

[ellipses84]

Sept 3, 2024 10:41:11 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

I like the update

Well...not the husband part, but I like what you did there

my SIL insisted on her kids ( who I LOVE but) be invited to my bachelorette party, but she didn't want them at my shower. My husband came to me and ...long story short husbands are stupid

I feel like I’m reading this wrong! Why would she want her kids at a bachelorette party?!!

[sonrisa]

‘Rsvp with the numbed of adults’ doesn’t say adult only to me. It says thd opposite. it says you expect kids (but maybe want numbers for alcohol?).

If there is food, some kids will devour it. Just went to a kid birthday party yesterday with pizza for the kids and things like smoked salmon, olives and brie for the adults. Adults barely ate but all the ‘adult food’ disappeared. Lol.

I’d ‘misunderstand’ and ‘have a problem with the printers’ and write ‘adults only’ anyway.

[TR]

Yeesh to that response from her H

[livinitup]

My cynical prediction :

“Oh good, they are doing it as an Open House so the kids can come. No one will mind when it’s just an Open House.”

“Don’t worry about telling them we are bringing 2 kids. They don’t care about the kids, they only want numbers for the adults.”

[eb777888]

Sept 3, 2024 11:21:38 GMT -5 livinitup said:

My cynical prediction :

“Oh good, they are doing it as an Open House so the kids can come. No one will mind when it’s just an Open House.”

“Don’t worry about telling them we are bringing 2 kids. They don’t care about the kids, they only want numbers for the adults.”

I don't think this is cynical, it's exactly how it's going to go down. 

And her husband is a dick. 

[dexteroni]

Yiiikes. Her husband sounds like an ass. Is he known to be?

But “rsvp with number of adults” doesn’t say adults only IMO. At best, it’s unclear. And some people will invariably read it as “bring all the kids you want, we don’t care how many!”

One thing it may accomplish is that anyone who needs clarification will text you, in which case you can be like “I mean you *can* if you have no other choice, but it’s not really meant to accommodate kids. It’s more of an adult party. There won’t really be kid food or activities. Will someone be able to watch them / stay with them the whole time?”

[momin2013]

Moving beyond the husband sounding like an asshole…

Are these going to be paper invites, or at least customized e-invites where the invitee’s name is listed somewhere? I think addressing the invite to Jane Smith (vs. Jane Smith and family) would go a long way in letting people know that the invite isn’t for the whole family.

I’d include wording about it being an open house baby shower between the hours of X-X:00 and simply ask people to RSVP by X date (either say “Please respond by…” or RSVP by…” - not “Please RSVP by…” to avoid redundancy). Keep it simple.

[rachers]

Omg just say Adults only and address it to the adults only.

Making this way harder than it has to be! (And please trust I’m saying this lovingly, not snarky!)

[sent]

Sept 3, 2024 10:00:08 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

I personally don't GAF if I make his friends bristle, having heard, in detail, how they have behaved with their kids in the past, so if they roll in with kids and flake, I have no problem nicely asking them to attend to their kids.

Oh I've seen this go down. You will ask nicely. The dad/husband won't move from his spot and will turn halfway around to yell "hey kid, knock it off." He will then proceed to join back in the conversation about sports, grab another beer, and continue to ignore the terror child he brought to the party. 

I don't think any of this is going to work out nicely for your friend. Maybe she should make it "adult women only" so all these husbands and kids can stay home. 

[litskispeciality]

Sept 3, 2024 11:21:38 GMT -5 livinitup said:

My cynical prediction :

“Oh good, they are doing it as an Open House so the kids can come. No one will mind when it’s just an Open House.”

“Don’t worry about telling them we are bringing 2 kids. They don’t care about the kids, they only want numbers for the adults.”

Yeah I'm here too, especially with anyone with a misbehaved* kid "Oh they only asked for adult RSVP's so I can bring 15 kids if I want". Granted people like that will show up with kids even if it says adult only, but the wording is still too vague if you don't want kids there at all.

I almost wonder if the "open house" makes it seem more kid friendly, since it's "just an open house the kids won't be there long, we can drop in and out when it works for us without having to get a sitter"? I could be wrong as most of the showers I've been (invited) too have a start and end time, typically a location like a restaurant or at someone's house, but it's pretty well structured including games, then presents (I say do presents then let guests leave if they want.)  Anyway, I predict unwanted children at the event because of the open house wording and the parent being a jerk about "well you said open house"

The husband is a dick. I'm curious which kids he's afraid not to invite. Is there a sibling or someone else in his close family who will be upset, but he then won't take responsibility for the actions of said kids? Ugh good luck to mom to be with this guy, lol.

*I don't know if misbehaved is the right term. To me baby showers would be boring for just about any kid unless you had hired a sitter or something to entertain them. I totally get the balancing act of someone to watch the kids so at least one parent can go, but I think I'd be annoyed seeing kids on a tablet even if they were quiet when it was advertised as an adult party/shower, especially if I was told my kid couldn't come...

[litskispeciality]

Sept 3, 2024 11:55:33 GMT -5 sent said:

Sept 3, 2024 10:00:08 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

I personally don't GAF if I make his friends bristle, having heard, in detail, how they have behaved with their kids in the past, so if they roll in with kids and flake, I have no problem nicely asking them to attend to their kids.

Oh I've seen this go down. You will ask nicely. The dad/husband won't move from his spot and will turn halfway around to yell "hey kid, knock it off." He will then proceed to join back in the conversation about sports, grab another beer, and continue to ignore the terror child he brought to the party. 

I don't think any of this is going to work out nicely for your friend. Maybe she should make it "adult women only" so all these husbands and kids can stay home. 

This. I've said many times I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but co-ed showers are really just what's said up above and the men/dads just use it as a social event and then complain they "wasted" an afternoon. The men are welcome to take the dad to be golfing and give him an Amazon gift card for diapers if they really feel a need to gather and celebrate.

[dexteroni]

Sept 3, 2024 11:55:33 GMT -5 sent said:

Sept 3, 2024 10:00:08 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

I personally don't GAF if I make his friends bristle, having heard, in detail, how they have behaved with their kids in the past, so if they roll in with kids and flake, I have no problem nicely asking them to attend to their kids.

Oh I've seen this go down. You will ask nicely. The dad/husband won't move from his spot and will turn halfway around to yell "hey kid, knock it off." He will then proceed to join back in the conversation about sports, grab another beer, and continue to ignore the terror child he brought to the party. 

This. OP you’re going to end up doing the babysitting that the mom doesn’t want to do and the dad refuses to do and apparently no one is willing to hire out, and someone’s unattended kid will still end up damaging something in the house.

[wanderingback]

Sept 3, 2024 12:02:12 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

Sept 3, 2024 11:55:33 GMT -5 sent said:

Oh I've seen this go down. You will ask nicely. The dad/husband won't move from his spot and will turn halfway around to yell "hey kid, knock it off." He will then proceed to join back in the conversation about sports, grab another beer, and continue to ignore the terror child he brought to the party. 

I don't think any of this is going to work out nicely for your friend. Maybe she should make it "adult women only" so all these husbands and kids can stay home. 

This. I've said many times I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but co-ed showers are really just what's said up above and the men/dads just use it as a social event and then complain they "wasted" an afternoon. The men are welcome to take the dad to be golfing and give him an Amazon gift card for diapers if they really feel a need to gather and celebrate.

We had a co-ed shower. I was happy to have my partner, dad, uncle and and me and my partner’s male friends there. I really don’t think they complained that much. It was an afternoon get together with free food and champagne. Obviously everyone’s friend/family crowd is different, but I don’t necessarily fault the husband in this situation for wanting his friends to be there. Now the kid thing is a different story!

[sonrisa]

Sept 3, 2024 12:02:12 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

This. I've said many times I'm not a huge fan of baby showers, but co-ed showers are really just what's said up above and the men/dads just use it as a social event and then complain they "wasted" an afternoon.
.

this might say more about your friends. Lol. Almost all showers I’ve been to have been coed, few to no games and the guys are usually as happy to be there as women and are there to support the parent/s to be whether they are friends with the mom(s) or dad(s). usually adult only. People with kids send the parent who knows the celebrant(s) best.