Middle School updates

[twinmomma]

The girls have settled into 7th grade amazingly well! It's like night and day from last year. They have a year at the middle school under their belts, their frenemy is completely separated from them and they don't have any classes together, and they're strengthening some new friendships from last year. They're also each finally trying their own activities that are separate from each other, which is a huge change for them! Somehow mornings have gotten easier too. They get up and get themselves ready with basically no prompting from me. I feel like over the summer a switch flipped and they've just gotten so grown up. Even this morning DH was like "Damn, they're so OLD all of a sudden!" It makes me really proud to see.

DS is getting more settled in his new school. 5th grade is a different school so it was a rough transition at first and there were a lot of tears and moping. But he's finding his groove and we are SO proud of him! He is really putting himself out there in different ways and it feels like he's going to find his thing and his people. He told his mom he eats lunch alone and has no friends, but then he ran for student council and won! So we were all super relieved and proud of that. It was a win he really needed to jumpstart the year. He's going to do drama club too and has been playing rec soccer and having fun. This lower middle school is giving him lots of opportunities to find himself, which he really needed. His elementary school was so huge and disconnected that he kind of fell through the cracks.

And waverly I don't coordinate much of anything for the girls. They coordinate with their friends and mostly hang out directly after school before parents pick them up. They go to the library or the ice cream shop. I might help with bigger plans, for example, they want to go to the amusement park haunted house as a group. The moms will probably do a group text to coordinate logistics and rides once the girls figure out the basics. For DS, he's still young and doesn't have a core group, so more friend coordinating there to help push him to hang out with people. But DH handles all that for him.

[mae0111]

dglvrk2, I agree, I wouldn't say anything to the coaches. Just encourage her to do her best and see what happens. If she goes in with a positive attitude and works hard, sometimes that's worth more than someone with better skills and a bad attitude.

If she doesn't make it, maybe there's an opportunity for her to manage the team and work out with them, to prep for next year?

[mae0111]

Here's a middle school question...

A few kids surrounded a friend of DD2's at recess yesterday, and were screaming at them and kicked them twice because I guess they accidentally got marker on one kid's sweatshirt. (this is confusing - DD2's friend is nonbinary, so they were alone surrounded by a group of girls that are bigger than them). The child is afraid to tell a teacher. DD2 did not witness it but feels terrible.

She did not want me to get involved, but I'm feeling like I should say something to their advisor (they're all in the same advisory) about what supposedly happened, and let her put the pieces together.

Would you reach out to a teacher about this? Or just let it go and let the kids handle it?

[mommyatty]

mae0111, I would go to the Middle School head at DD’s school about this. I do not play around with violence. In 5th grade, a boy in DD’s class was relentlessly being picked on. His mom is Korean and dad is white. The boys were saying things like “your family eats dogs” and “your mom doesn’t love you because she’s a Tiger mom and you suck at school.” Then they surrounded him in the school quad after two boys said they were going to “jump him.” DD ran and got a teacher because she’s apparently the only kid with any sense. Then that group started targeting DD. She didn’t want me involved. I sat my big butt in the headmaster’s office and told him he had an hour to convince me I shouldn’t file a lawsuit with the other parents and go to the media about the racism and sexism I was seeing that he was allowing. One of the boys was immediately suspended and neither were allowed back the next school year. And now they leave DD the hell alone.

[mae0111]

mommyatty, if DD2 had witnessed it, there would be no question. Honestly, if DD2 had witnessed it, she probably would have jumped into the fray and wound up in trouble herself... she does not play when friends/teammates are targeted. But she didn't... so I don't think I can go in with a full-court press with like 3rd hand information.

That's the only thing giving me pause... she wasn't there. But I'd kind of planned to approach is as "Hey, teacher, can you maybe ask around about this incident? If this is what happened, it's pretty concerning and upsetting."

[waverly]

Yeah it is difficult if my child didn’t witness it or it didn’t happen to my child. I typically don’t know about it and don’t say anything.

If I heard of something especially egregious then I would probably say something.

[186momx]

mae0111, if it is anything like DD's school that kind of stuff spreads like wildfire. I would send a message saying DD mentioned this after school. Do you know if this is true or not as it was shocking news to me. Then the advisor can say yes we know and it is being delt with or no let me check into it.

dglvrk2, I wouldn't say anything to the volleyball coaches but remind DD to go in and be a good teammate and try her hardest. If she doesn't make the school team then DD could ask what she needs to work on to make the school team the next season. Having a kid ask means more to a coach then a parent.

I got to chat with the school counselor this morning over the phone regarding DD's school refusal. Or right now she is good with going but is constantly asking me to excuse and pick her up by 11:30 as anything after that point of her day is useless. Will see what DD and the counselor chat about between today and tomorrow.

[sandandsea]

Our school is huge on “see/hear something say something” so I would absolutely talk to the principal about it if your child doesn’t feel comfortable.
It’s up to the school to investigate and figure out what happened but if no one ever alerts them they can’t do anything.

[erbear]

I would also say something, and I’d hope if I missed something like that, a parent would come to me.

[mae0111]

An update to the MS drama….

The same girls went after DD2’s friend today, and kicked them again. But this time, the victim’s friends all went with them to the head of school’s office and told her what was going on. The girls got pulled in from recess and spent a good amount of time with her. Dd2 said they missed the rest of recess and were about 20 mins late for the next class.

So I’m glad it was immediately dealt with, dd2’s friend said they are fine… we will see what happens tomorrow…

[abs]

So far so good. DD is in 8th and the start of the year seems to be going smoothly. She likes most of her teachers and has friends in all her classes. Seems like a good balance of homework this year and grades are good in most classes. The biggest bummer is that the budget cuts have come and they are big ones. Class sizes are really big. DD has 34 kids in her geometry class and the classrooms aren’t big enough for that. The teacher is fabulous though so it’s not a big deal. Biology is worse. Zero labs this year. Dissections are all virtual. The teacher is new and isn’t teaching. He’s all here is your textbook good luck. DD is muddling through but it’s not great. Half the kids are failing. He said the new TEKS call for the class to be self led but I don’t see that. So we will see how all that goes.

Socially I worry a bit. DD got dumped by a friend at the end of last year. They saw each other almost every weekend so her social calendar is a bit quieter now. She’s reconnected with other friends this year though and doesn’t seem bothered at all so I am trying not to borrow worries.

Band has been the best thing. She has a leadership role this year and is thriving. I’m looking forward to next year with the football games.

[madringal]

I have a 12 year old daughter that tends to the dramatic, makes up weird lies to try to seem cool, gets caught in her lies, doubles down on them, which results in friends that don't trust her. She is very socially anxious and struggles to just chill. Her friend group is a nice group of girls, with the occasionally typical 7th grade drama thrown in, and I am struggling to get her to understand that she doesn't have to make up lies to be their friends, or exaggerate stories. They already like her. It's so, so hard. Throw in ADHD and a penchant for not doing her homework or doing it and not turning it in in her all honors class schedule, and we're just trying to keep our heads about water.

And believe it or not, this is a SIGNIFICANT improvement over 6th grade.

[mustardseed2007]

k3am, this is so last week but I'm catching up on my message boards. Our school policy is that you can retake a quiz or test if you get below a 70, but they average the grades together and there is a max higher grade of 70. I think the max higher grade might be new this year but I'm not totally sure. Also there is an across the board policy that the student has to ask the teacher for a retake. The parent can't be the one to ask. That's a little interesting to me because I'm trying to get DS to take over communications this year with his teachers. Even the teachers who are sweet as pie and he really likes, he is terrified to talk to ask them for stuff.

The thing that was annoying me this year is that tutorials are very organized at my school with each teacher being required to have a designated day, but tutorials didn't start until back to school night...and back to school night was about a month into the school year POST 2 math test and several Spanish quizzes.

[186momx]

I'm bumping this because I have a question about Snapchat? Ever since DD got her phone the kids at school have been on her about getting Snapchat and she said my parents said no social media at all. Well now the same group of kids are telling her if she ever wants to fit and be included in stuff at school she has to have Snapchat. I told her no again and said I would be more open for her getting a teen Instagram account than Snapchat.

All the girls at the gym are way into social media but not one has given her crap about not having TikTok, Snap, Insta or whatever else. DD asked her gym friend yesterday if Snap was necessary and she told her no it was more a game.

[sdlaura]

186momx my 7th grader hasn’t asked about getting Snapchat. I think if that’s how all her friends really did communicate though, I’d consider it. DD just has big group texts with each sports team and friend group. She does also have an IG account and follows her friends and softball coaches. I don’t want her to have TikTok so that’s a no - YouTube is bad enough with the shorts.

[mae0111]

DD1 has asked about snapchat a lot. It's a hard no for me. DD1 has such a history of being bullied, misinterpreting social situations, and impulsiveness, that I just don't think that she can handle something like Snapchat yet. I do think it's very kid-dependent. We've been considering What's App for her because she has some friends that live overseas, and that's the best way for them to communicate. But I just don't think Snapchat is a good idea.

[dglvrk2]

SnapChat is tough. It seems that middle schoolers and many high schoolers in my community use it as their primary source of communication. We caved and allowed DD1 to have it starting at the beginning of the school year.

I found a way to keep snaps on record for 24 hours. (I don't think she knows I did this yet!) That way I can see what she and her friends are sharing with one another. So far it's been innocent.

She knows I look at her phone- actually my phone that she uses- everyday and there are consequences if there is any misuse.

I think she's been bullied electronically that she has quite a bit of empathy and sees how things can easily become misunderstood...

[rere]

Ìm out of the monitoring phone stage, but dd and ds don't really text at all with friends, they communicate all plans, news, etc. on Snap. So they really would be out of the loop without it. Our family chat is actually on Snap. I'm sure there are controls, I just don't know what they are.

[dglvrk2]

On another note... How do you guys deal with perception versus reality with your tweens? (Sorry, big question!)

More so last year, but still this year, DD1 will complain, even cry to me, about how nobody likes her, classes are boring and she's not challenged. The mama bear in me constantly wants to fix it. Perhaps fortunately, I don't have the gift of time and the next day or two days later, DD1 comes home with funny stories about kids in her class and excited about an upcoming school project.

More concerning, especially with the bullying she's endured, is her perception of what she's included in and what is just talk that she hears. She is sitting at a lunch table this year. (This is a welcome change from last year when she say alone in a teacher's classroom most days after two friends dumped her.) She doesn't love all the girls at the table but enjoys being with a few of them. She's hung out with a couple on the weekends since school started too. She claims the whole group is going trick-or-treating together. I'm really hoping this is the case and she's not just hearing plans and imagining it's a collective invite.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to approach this with her? Or should I stay quiet?


I hate Halloween for these reasons...

[sdlaura]

dglvrk2 I also hate all the Halloween friend dynamics and trying to make sure each kid is doing something that makes them happy. I miss the days of the whole family just walking around the neighborhood together! But now they all want to be with their different friend groups.

I try to differentiate between true bullying vs insensitive behavior/someone leaving my kid out, which I think are two different things. True bullying - targeted harassment/making my kid’s daily life miserable - I would get involved/report. But last year my DD got left out of the friend trick or treating and I just helped her find other plans. I complained to some friends about it because I thought it was ridiculous to exclude someone from a ‘more the merrier’ type of activity, but I didn’t get involved.

This year, DD’s BFF (who was included last year when DD wasn’t) just had knee surgery and can’t go trick or treating. So she and DD will do a costume together for school but DD doesn’t have plans for the evening yet. I told her worse comes to worse, she has an adorable 4-year-old brother that she can take around the neighborhood.

[mae0111]

dglvrk2, DD1 has had very similar tendencies in the past. At one point she literally invited herself to a birthday party, and was absolutely FUMING when I would not take her to a party that she was clearly NOT invited to. It's really tough. I just allow her to be angry at me for not letting her go, rather than lash out at her peers for not including her in the first place. This was happening a lot in 6th and 7th, and really lessened when she moved to a new school.

So I guess I'd say it depends on the situation. With a big group thing like this, I'd probably stay pretty quiet. Maybe closer to Halloween, ask her to firm up plans about where they're going, etc. If your neighborhood is a good spot and you are available/can do it, maybe offer to host for pizza before or something?

And I'm with you - I HATE Halloween.

[dglvrk2]

Oct 14, 2024 14:53:35 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

dglvrk2 I also hate all the Halloween friend dynamics and trying to make sure each kid is doing something that makes them happy. I miss the days of the whole family just walking around the neighborhood together! But now they all want to be with their different friend groups.

I try to differentiate between true bullying vs insensitive behavior/someone leaving my kid out, which I think are two different things. True bullying - targeted harassment/making my kid’s daily life miserable - I would get involved/report. But last year my DD got left out of the friend trick or treating and I just helped her find other plans. I complained to some friends about it because I thought it was ridiculous to exclude someone from a ‘more the merrier’ type of activity, but I didn’t get involved.

This year, DD’s BFF (who was included last year when DD wasn’t) just had knee surgery and can’t go trick or treating. So she and DD will do a costume together for school but DD doesn’t have plans for the evening yet. I told her worse comes to worse, she has an adorable 4-year-old brother that she can take around the neighborhood.

I too do my best to determine bullying vs. incidental exclusion. Last year, DD1 was bullied by a girl. Mean texts for a couple of months and deliberate acts at school....this year, I'm more concerned with exclusion than targeted aggression.

I'm trying to remind myself they're 13 and plans can easily morph until the actual event. I just know she's fragile right now and could use some inclusion.

[186momx]

What I'm finding hilarious is that last year the same friend was on DD about getting an iphone so they could text and that she only texts with people that have iphones and I was like BS. DD got an android and all was well all summer and the two texted off and on. Now school is back and she will only talk with her if she gets snapchat seems very similar to last year. It sounds more like old school peer pressure where if you don't have X or do Y we can't hang out.

I also despise Halloween and planning. Last year was a last-minute TOT and DD literally threw together a cowgirl costume with clothes she wore riding and the friend she was meeting refused to give her a time so DD sat around until after 6 waiting for a text. There was so much anxiety going on then I had to drop everything to drive her to the neighborhood this kid decided on TOTing in.

DD did say that she refuses to be the 3rd or 5th wheel to the dating school friends and would rather take the neighbor's 1st grader out TOTing or stay home.

[waverly]

Last year, DD was so dramatic about Halloween. She’s already been better this year. I’ll probably have the kids confirm plans a week before. They have tentative plans but not concrete yet. Last year the neighbor girl and her were fueding all year. I think there was some bullying/ relational aggression. This year I said no TOTing in my neighborhood to avoid that drama.

We aren’t allowing Snapchat yet. DS is 14 and in 8th grade and DD is in 6th grade. DD only has an iPad and no phone yet.

[mommyatty]

dglvrk2- remind me… does your DD have ADHD? DS has rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is common among kids w ADHD or with autism. What you’re describing, depending on the severity of it, kind of sounds like that. There’s normal level/hormone fueled drama they all experience, and then there’s RSD, which I seear is one of Dante’s circles of hell.

[erbear]

Oct 14, 2024 12:52:37 GMT -5 186momx said:

I'm bumping this because I have a question about Snapchat? Ever since DD got her phone the kids at school have been on her about getting Snapchat and she said my parents said no social media at all. Well now the same group of kids are telling her if she ever wants to fit and be included in stuff at school she has to have Snapchat. I told her no again and said I would be more open for her getting a teen Instagram account than Snapchat.

All the girls at the gym are way into social media but not one has given her crap about not having TikTok, Snap, Insta or whatever else. DD asked her gym friend yesterday if Snap was necessary and she told her no it was more a game.

I’m a hard no on Snapchat. My kids have Instagram but I won’t allow SC

[dglvrk2]

Oct 14, 2024 17:36:43 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

dglvrk2- remind me… does your DD have ADHD? DS has rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is common among kids w ADHD or with autism. What you’re describing, depending on the severity of it, kind of sounds like that. There’s normal level/hormone fueled drama they all experience, and then there’s RSD, which I seear is one of Dante’s circles of hell.

She does not have ADHD.
From what I know of RSD, her behaviors and feelings don't fit its description. She doesn't react dramatically to rejection. She's more socially anxious. I think she builds things up in her head to the extent they're significantly morphed from reality sometimes....

[mommyatty]

dglvrk2- my son doesn’t react dramatically either. He just believes a lot that people don’t like him with absolutely no evidence of that. And then he ruminates on it. And just gets stuck in that thought pattern. It truly is the most awful thing I’ve watched anyone experience, so I’m hoping your DD is having normal hormone-fueled angst. My DD is having a lot of that right now, coupled with being a shy kid, and that’s hard enough.

[mae0111]

In the past 24 hours, we've had 2 instances of just kids in tears approaching us... One of my friend texted to say that her very positive, happy-go-lucky 7th grader was in tears because all of her friends have iced her out this year. She's almost 2 months into school and didn't want to say anything to her mom, but she literally has no friends at all at school. She's just such a sweet kid and this broke my heart. They're not mean to her outright - they just don't have anything to do with her.

Then DD2's teammate texted her last night asking if she could go ToTing with DD2 and her friends. DD2 was like, "of course!!" but DD2's phone was off for the night. She said, "I'll text her tomorrow and let her know. That would be so fun!" I don't turn her phone on for her before school and she doesn't take her phone to school, so she hasn't replied yet. The teammate texted again this morning. I know she's been having a hard time socially in middle school - her mom told me they're looking at other schools for her. I feel terrible thinking that this girl is probably thinking that DD2 is ignoring her, so I texted her mom to explain... hopefully she'll text her DD during the day today so she's not upset...

I'm sad that this keeps happening to sweet kids.

[dglvrk2]

mae0111, yes. It sucks!
It puts me in a funk just thinking about it.

I've been listening to the Joyful Courage podcasts on my way to work. The host frequently says how all adolescent situations are temporary. They sure don't seem temporary when we and our kids are in the thick of them.