FIL moving closer update

[maudefindlay]

I recently posted about how DH and I have purchased a lot and are building a new home. FIL, without discussion, is now preparing to contact a realtor to also buy a lot in this new neighborhood. This is too close for my comfort. FIL already lives 5 min by car to 10 min by walking away and that is close enough. DH thinks it would be nice and was perturbed at me initially, but now says he will call his Dad and ask him not to move into the same neighborhood. Everything in me wants to say hell yes call him, but I also love DH and FIL and do not want them hurt. I feel like I have a good angel on one shoulder and a bad angel on the other. Any advice? If I tell him not to call how do I get over the resentment/how have you gotten over resentment?

[TR]

Oof that’s a tough one. I don’t know if there’s a way to tell him you don’t want him to move closer without it hurting him. I feel like you’ve said or at least implied that the reason you’re worried about it have to do with your sister-in-law, would your husband be sharing that with your father-in-law? Would that maybe make him take it less personally? What would you feel resentful about if your husband didn’t say anything and your father-in-law does move into your neighborhood?

[Deleted]

Maybe it would be helpful to verbalize exactly how you think life might be different with him in the same neighborhood vs. five minutes away. Are you concerned he’ll keep tabs on when you’re home and when you’re gone? I you worried he’ll pop by uninvited? Do you anticipate having him over for more meals? Being able to use him for child care? Being able/expected to help him more with home repairs or yard work (or have him help you)?

Assuming a good relationship with him, I think some of this might feel better if you can have a discussion around boundaries and expectations. Maybe you’ll all be on the same page and feel better, and maybe it will be clear you’re not on the same page and you can ask him to reconsider.

[TR]

lol @villainv did a much better job with what I was trying to say.

[jinkies]

So, has your FIL mentioned at all WHY he wants to move into your neighborhood? Is he just panicked bc you are 5 minutes away now, but won't be when you move?

How far is your new house from his current house?

Or was he looking to move anyway and saw an opportunity for a new build?

I'm asking because maybe this could be resolved by your H saying "we love you and you are still welcome any time even though we will be 30 minutes away instead of 5."

Or is there another reason for him to move to this specific area?

[heygrey]

I agree with @villainv that you need to really boil down the reasons why you don't want him living in the same neighbourhood so you can address those issues specifically. Until then, I would tell your husband to not call because that's a bridge you can't mend once the conversation happens. If he knows you didn't want him there, but then change your mind later he'll always remember.

[UMaineTeach]

Let him live where he wants, as long as it’s not in your actual house without your permission.

Work out other boundaries later.

I wonder if it’s more about you and your household doing something exciting for yourselves not wanting to “share” the moment with someone else “copying” you.

[momin2013]

Similar to @villainv, my first thought was will it really make that much difference, being 5 mins away vs. same neighbourhood? Honestly? I’d say nothing further about it.

I think I’d feel differently if it was going from, say an hour or more away where visits are pretty ‘planned’ to a few minutes away where frequent unexpected drop-ins might be likely. That change would have more of an impact, I’d think.

I still think it’s weird that a parent would plan to move to the same neighbourhood without mentioning it beforehand, but at the same time, can’t a person live wherever they want to?

[sillygoosegirl]

What @villianv said! I thought from your prior post that the purchase was already a done deal, but since it's not and it sounds like you guys mostly already have a good relationship with FIL, I think specifics deserve to be part of the conversation. Two of my closest friends live within 2 blocks of me, and for a while I lived in the same condo building as my parents, so I totally get that there are disadvantages. You can't so easily get away with the little white lie of saying you are too tired to get together as planned/requested/invited, because they will see you doing your evening run in the park or whatever. But honestly it can be so nice too, if you need somebody tall to help you reach something, or need to borrow a cup of sugar, or whatever. And while I'm sure you both are getting along fine without this, it honestly can really strengthen relationships and be a really wonderful thing if everyone can be mature about also respecting boundaries. He may be trying to do this as a favor to you, so it will be more convenient for you as he is aging to do the things he's going to expect of you... and maybe you don't want to do those things and it'll be easier to say "no" if he's further away and/or can't see when you are coming and going, but if you are going to say "yes", it may be a lot easier to, say, pick up his groceries once he can't drive, or help him when he's recovering from a knee replacement, if he's literally right there. Having a frank discussion of this sort of stuff (we expect you to order an Uber/use Amazon Fresh/get the home health assistance even though, yes, we are going to be right there, because we are busy) NOW is probably a good idea, so you can try to be on the same page, regardless of moving closer. It can definitely feel icky when family or friends come to expect you will of course do things for/with them, even things you are normally happy to do, it can feel not good when they get to the point of taking for granted you are always going to do it for them.

[maudefindlay]

To give more details FIL and late MIL moved here 11 years ago from an hour away. We were fine with them moving here, it's not a tiny town, so I never imagined they'd move to the neighborhood right across the road. I wasn't happy about it,there was no discussion, it just happened. We've been looking for a lot to build on for several years so it just feels annoying to me that now we are doing it and he is now wanting a new house. BIL and his wife are also 5 to 10 min from him. We are not moving 30 min away, it's 10 to 15. Mostly excited for new house, but I also was excited at the prospect of us going off on our own a little further. I call it a neighborhood we are moving to, but when I say small I mean it's one road. Like you would never drive to someone's house, it would be walking there. This is also hard for me as in my family we can just openly say our thoughts, but also I'd never have to because my parents and brother would never move so close.

[maudefindlay]

More info: I've never had to talk to my family about boundaries/issues. DH has had to talk to his Dad/late Mom before. Especially re holidays, they'd get so mad when we were first together that we split holidays with my family. They expected us there every day of holiday and comments were made to me over the years that I'm still resentful that I had to put up with. My parents are not perfect, but they are more reasonable and have never said unkind things to DH.

[jinkies]

Oh. With your update-- he is following you to your new neighborhood bc he might be 15 minutes away instead of 5?

Without some major reason to move (like he urgently needs single story living and has three flights of stairs now), I don't think you are out of line to ask him not to buy in your new neighborhood.

I think the conversation can start with "Dad, you have a great location now-- you are 10 minutes from your other kid and will be 10 minutes from our new house. We love having you in the area, but you don't need to follow us when we move a few minutes away."

This really seems like him panicking that he won't see you anymore vs any real need to move.

I said in your other thread that I live in walking distance to my SIL and enjoy it. But that was due to unusual circumstances, not due to them trying to follow us every time we moved. I would not enjoy the situation with your FIL and think that you are right to speak up before things progress further.

[maudefindlay]

I think it's not so much the distance, but that these are the best lots and he likes the best. He says he'd rather build a new house than have to start replacing stuff on his current house. This would not be him downsizing his house. The new lots are bigger than his yard and the HOA there requires a certain size house, so he cannot build too much smaller than he has. He will be 76 in Dec. He's in great health and travels, but that will change sometime.

[maudefindlay]

Money is no issue for him. He is set there, so buys a new luxury car every 3 years etc. We never have to worry about him and money. He can live well into is 100s from a financial standpoint.

[stemmie]

This is not something I would support with my own parents. My mom makes me nuts with her insistence in copying me-- she buys the exact pieces of clothing I buy and even insisted on getting the exact phone/phone case, so she occasionally takes mine if I put it down. If she moved to my neighborhood I would lose it entirely.

That said, if he can walk to your house in 10 minutes, I feel like he's already in your neighborhood now. Unless the move is directly adjacent or would have you in his line of sight, I don't see much difference.

[ssmjlm]

What is the motivation for the move? Does he plan to build a fully accessible house to age in place? Sounds like you and your DH need a talk and then DH needs to talk to FIL.

Honestly I’m with you. We kept our build a secret for months from DH’s family. We literally kept people from our backyard during the holidays when they had sprayed and roped off our pool. His family didn’t know until the hole was in the ground.

But for us it’s a money thing. The ILs have barely enough to get by. So we don’t need the comments on our spending.

[tacokick]

I can see how this would be annoying even though I don’t know if in practicality it would be that different since he was already so close.

I really hate moving so I can’t imagine wanting to in my mid-70s for no real reason.

I’d get my husband to sort of drill down into why move when he is in the middle of both his children, would the house be fitted to make it easier to live there alone as he ages, what is the timeline here, why move at all etc?

[sent]

Is your FIL maybe afraid that if something happens to him, your DH would physically be that much closer to check on him? And by something I mean that it doesn't have to be a drastic change in health requiring specialized care but maybe it's just a general fear of aging.

[Roc A Bee]

Is it more than you’ve been looking for the right lot and now he’s going to swoop in and get one too? I could see that being annoying.

[mommyatty]

I think you’re just going to have to say that you need more distance than this would give you and you’re not comfortable with him living in the same street you are. And he’s going to be upset. And he might still move there. But at least you will have drawn the line in the sand that you want more separation/privacy/independence.

[noodleoo]

My in laws moving walking distance to my house would be a nightmare for me. It sounds like you have a chance to put the kibosh on this. TAKE IT. Being honest is not selfish or mean. If you don’t want him in the neighborhood, have H tell him now before it is too late.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with telling him it’s too close for comfort. Are there other new build places he can go? It’s pretty ballsy to do this without running it by you. Ultimately he can buy it anyway if he really wants to, you can’t stop him. But if you don’t say anything, you may regret it/resent it (I know I would!). 

[wanderingback]

What specific reasons do you not want him to move closer? Did you tell your husband those reasons?

My partner wouldn’t say this but if my mom was going to move close and he had concerns I would expect me to give me clear reasons why before discussing with her. Depending on his reasons would help me decide if I would say anything and what I would say. I would expect very specific reasons.

[livinitup]

What strikes me about deciding, without discussion, such a big move so close to you (again) - what else is he going to “decide” when he has such easy access to your house?

It might be hard to have one conversation that goes like”love you but it’s too close for comfort” as opposed to 100 after the move.

[ellipses84]

I think your DH could approach it with some valid questions. Why does your FIL want to move 5 minutes closer? Is that a wise financial decision at this stage in FIL’s life? From your side, if you have valid concerns I think he needs to set boundaries with his dad. Like, he should not stop by unannounced or invite the kids over without your permission (those would be mine).

My sister once had in-laws within walking distance. She was a young SAHM and her FIL was always coming by unannounced which caused major issues in her marriage, which did not survive a DIY home remodel by her now exH and exFIL. I think he was bored, lonely, trying to be nice and help out with the kids and house stuff but he just got in the way a lot, drove my sister crazy, and his co-dependent son (who would go have dinner at his parent’s house more than his own house) didn’t see anything wrong with it or set any boundaries.

[tacokick]

I do think that simply not wanting to live across the street from your family/in-laws is perfectly fine and reasonable. He already lives very close by. You aren’t denying him access to anything or cutting him off.

I always wonder if people who want to live so close to their adult children lived that close to their own in-laws or parents as adults.

ETA: to be clear, I don’t think you can stop him but I think it’s fine to not want him to move there and to tell him you’d rather he didn’t. If he still does then that is on him but at least you won’t be wishing you said something and didn’t.

[sofamonkey]

I kind of in awe that you think you get much of a say in what his choices are. As pp have stated, I’d be clear about your concerns, and speak with him about those. But telling someone where they can live is pretty bold.

I understand your discomfort and concerns. I think you’ll need to really decide what they are specifically, and then address your concerns as their own thing. I’d not frame it as anything other than “my concerns about this are …” and then discuss clear boundaries, but I think that’s where you need to tap out.

[maudefindlay]

Thank you everyone for all the perspectives, it really does help to hear that. I agree with a pp that part of my concern is that it's already awkward to talk to DH's family when issues arise and this was going to give us some separation. Things are moving fast here and happening in real time. DH decided he wanted to have a conversation with his Dad and went over and talked to him tonight and DH layed it all out there, that we love him and love having him local, but would like to be off more on our own. His Dad's reasons were all financial. This is a great investment for him and other lots he has looked at were not as nice. He said he understands where we are coming from, but that this is the nicest place to build and he wants to make the best money decision. He has a lot he likes. We would see each other's houses from our front yards. So....my gut says he will buy this lot. It's just very different from my family.

[sadlebred]

Can you move to Alaska?

[maudefindlay]

Sept 21, 2024 19:18:46 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

Can you move to Alaska?

That's sounding good right now.

[ssmjlm]

Since it appears FIL doesn’t GAF, I think it may be time to switch gears and talk to your DH about how you’re going to be a united front moving forward.

Because I can see this affecting your relationship a lot.