FIL moving closer update

[noodleoo]

Sept 23, 2024 18:07:48 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

He's buying the lot. We told him how we felt and he knows. He wants what he wants. That's it.

ugh I’m really sorry. That sucks. I hope it isn’t as bad as you think it will be.

[emilyinchile]

Uggggh I'm so sorry, this sucks! Like obviously he can buy what he wants, but no one normal is going to make this choice, so that really says everything you need to know right there. I hope there's some option for landscaping or fencing that will keep you feeling a bit more protected, but what a freaking blow to your excitement about your new home. And also omfg to the role your H played in this by telling his dad in the first place. Obviously you can't take your anger out on him, but equally it's understandable if part of you feels like this is all his fault.

[lilac05]

I’m really sorry. What a damper to an otherwise exciting time for you guys.

I’d start researching some landscaping options.

[mofongo]

And that he knows you guys would prefer this not happen, and he is STILL doing it, when he had no thought of doing this on his own.

[felicity]

Wow his response is pretty harsh. Sorry he's being so unreasonable. What did your DH talk to him about, and is he going to say something to his dad about the message? I'd be pretty mad if my DH was letting me take the fall for this!

[mokes]

I wrote a reply that got eaten … but the gist was do you think it’s worth exploring whether your builder might let you switch to another lot (assuming it’s a large enough neighborhood that it’d make a difference and there are others you’d like). I used to have a builder as a client and I remember people changing their mind on occasion.

I’m sorry though; that’s rough. I’m curious what your DH thinks now given FIL’s reaction.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2024 18:21:47 GMT -5 mokes said:

I wrote a reply that got eaten … but the gist was do you think it’s worth exploring whether your builder might let you switch to another lot (assuming it’s a large enough neighborhood that it’d make a difference and there are others you’d like). I used to have a builder as a client and I remember people changing their mind on occasion.

I’m sorry though; that’s rough. I’m curious what your DH thinks now given FIL’s reaction.

We already bought our lot and they are owned by someone else. There is no builder associated with the neighborhood, you just hire your own.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2024 18:21:05 GMT -5 felicity said:

Wow his response is pretty harsh. Sorry he's being so unreasonable. What did your DH talk to him about, and is he going to say something to his dad about the message? I'd be pretty mad if my DH was letting me take the fall for this!

He's not letting me take the fall. He's united with me on this. I think on his own he would not have cared or said anything, but he understands my side and agrees. So DH presented it as us, but FIL told him he knows this is all Maude. DH said no, we both want this, but he didn't buy it.

[ssmjlm]

I am so sorry. This is irreparable to your relationship with that whole side of the family.

I hope you and your DH can still look forward to finishing the build.

Be a united front, this is on them, not you all.

[cricketwife]

I would be too upset right now to think rationally about this and ai understand it is too early for you right now. But in a few days, I would try to think very clearly and rationally about next steps. I know this is your dream house but you need to consider all options.

1 . What about holding the land and staying put where you are? Building/moving in a few years (FIL won’t be around forever…)
2. Cutting your losses and selling the lot and doing something totally different.
I know those options suck and involve taking a financial hit but we can hear your misery in your posts. Your peace of mind and ability to relax in your own home is valuable.
3. Figure out how you can be happy in your new home/lot. What physical boundaries (landscaping is a great idea/fences/cameras/etc) can you install? What emotional boundaries can be put in place?

I’m sorry you are forced to dealwith such an asshole.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2024 18:19:26 GMT -5 mofongo said:

And that he knows you guys would prefer this not happen, and he is STILL doing it, when he had no thought of doing this on his own.

He explained to me how many miles away I'm moving and said it's not like I'm moving to Montana and he's following us. He's not stalking us. I'm sitting on this and not responding...maybe ever...but definitely not tonight. His message was stating a lot of facts of things he's never done...but also we never accused him of anything. My message started with how much we love him...I did not get that in return, the nicest part was that he didn't want to fight with me. The things he stated he never did are not the issue. We just don't want to live across from him or any relative. I signed up for some virtual therapy today and have an appt tomorrow. I'm going to focus on releasing my resentment, for me though, not him because he clearly isn't losing any sleep on this.

[livinitup]

Doe he not see the irony that the entire point of not being next door neighbors is -

WANTING TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

[maudefindlay]

He used to try and smooth things over when late MIL said something unkind...but he was so bad at it. He'd always say "Don't worry she's not mad at you." I'd bite my tongue, but it irked me. I always wanted to respond "We're mad, we are!" Why in the world would we be concerned she was mad? We were literally alternating holidays with them and my family and the mean things she'd say to me, ugh. She never apologized, except once when she texted me an "I'm sorry if what I said upset you."

[cville]

Dick
Move


And not the fun board mod type.

[cville]

maudefindlay, leave him on read. Nothing good can come of additional discussion.

Maybe leave him on read forever.

[cville]

Also, and I know I'm like triple posting. One thing my MIL kept saying over and over as part of our big brouhaha this summer was that she was so hurt we didn't trust her to have "the appropriate boundaries."

As if boundaries are binary and it's appropriate/not. Hers are fine for plenty of people. Not for, and here's the important part, **me or my husband.**

People are allowed to draw whatever lines THEY want and the key is that if the other person/people aren't cool with them, it's--drumroll please--NOT APPROPRIATE. Ffs.

I'm sure I'll be misaligned with my kids in the future. But I vow to listen and be open and goddamned communicative without defensiveness. Because otherwise you aren't actually fucking listening to what matters. I'm 99.9% sure my husband and I would've rethought ours if someone had, I dunno, said something in real time? And with mutual respect?

[heygrey]

I'm sorry that he's proving to be exactly as you expected. I hope you're able to protect your peace whether it's finding a way out of this property or creating a kick ass backyard so you never have to look at his house or just accepting this reality.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2024 19:30:42 GMT -5 heygrey said:

I'm sorry that he's proving to be exactly as you expected. I hope you're able to protect your peace whether it's finding a way out of this property or creating a kick ass backyard so you never have to look at his house or just accepting this reality.

The new house will have a nice covered deck and patio off the back, but it will also have a big front porch....but don't worry, he promises to look away when he drives by. It's like he's making a mockery of very valid feelings and totally missing the point. Yes, you looking away solves it all, totally helpful.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2024 19:21:44 GMT -5 cville said:

maudefindlay, leave him on read. Nothing good can come of additional discussion.

Maybe leave him on read forever.

I unfriended him, SIL, and BIL on FB. He likely won't notice, but it felt good.

[felicity]

Are you sure you want to move forward with the build? Can you sell the lot and buy somewhere else completely but still use your builder? It's going to be so awkward living across the street from him after this. He sounds like such a jerk.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2024 19:41:48 GMT -5 felicity said:

Are you sure you want to move forward with the build? Can you sell the lot and buy somewhere else completely but still use your builder? It's going to be so awkward living across the street from him after this. He sounds like such a jerk.

We bought the lot with cash and have money down with the builder and a signed contract. It's already 6 figures in at this point. We will build it. DH said we can always sell in the future. As angry as I am I don't want to think this way, but DH said tonight that his Dad is already past the average life span. That feels bad to think that way though.

[sparkythelawyer]

I’m sorry. I’m not surprised he’s hurt and I really don’t believe that your husband somehow didn’t know this is exactly what would happen when he broached the subject with his father, and that left you in a terrible position. Maybe you can scale back the front porch and jazz up the back porch? Put in a sweet pool/hot tub/etc that you can enjoy without his eyes? Hang in there

[mommyatty]

Could you offer to sell your lot to FIL and find another spot to build? Since… you know… he’s not moving to be close to you and thinks you guys are so awesome at picking lots/neighborhoods?

[macmars45]

Sept 23, 2024 18:29:15 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Sept 23, 2024 18:21:05 GMT -5 felicity said:

Wow his response is pretty harsh. Sorry he's being so unreasonable. What did your DH talk to him about, and is he going to say something to his dad about the message? I'd be pretty mad if my DH was letting me take the fall for this!

He's not letting me take the fall. He's united with me on this. I think on his own he would not have cared or said anything, but he understands my side and agrees. So DH presented it as us, but FIL told him he knows this is all Maude. DH said no, we both want this, but he didn't buy it.

My ILs are the same way. Their precious son would never be an atheist or a liberal democrat without my influence. He'd have never left the WELS Lutheran Church and wouldn't have taken their only grandson out of a church upbringing. 

They 100% value their son & grandson over their daughter and her kids. She didn't birth a boy child which is her fault, obviously. It's awful.

[wildrice]

Ugh, I'm really sorry. I would not be happy about this either! As I mentioned upthread, my sister lives next to my parents and it's worked out great for them, but I am honestly not sure I'd be jumping to buy the lot across the street from them at this point anyway - and they are basically my favorite people. It's just a LOT to be that close to anyone you know.

It sounds like he's being a giant baby about this right now, but I'm still crossing my fingers that he will realize that this is just creating problems and will back off before actually making a purchase. It would be a real asshole move to still go forward after this and hopefully he will realize that. I don't know why he'd want to move across the street from people he is mad at, anyway?

[ellipses84]

Ugh, on your latest updates. Neighbor relationships can be complicated. In-law relationships can be complicated. Why anyone would want to combine those two and then act like a jerk about it when people they are supposed to love express concerns about it is beyond me. MYOB but I’m going to move across the street from you! MYOB can be your go to response for any neighbor or family issue from now on.

I imagine he will be the type of person who will refuse to leave his home to move to assisted living when he needs to, so if there’s any silver lining it’s that he will be close when it gets to the point that your DH needs to check on him daily. Even if he’s healthy now, health can decline rapidly at his age, with one fall or illness. Maybe your DH can at least make sure he doesn’t give SIL the house in his will.

[hermione]

Sept 23, 2024 19:51:43 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Sept 23, 2024 19:41:48 GMT -5 felicity said:

Are you sure you want to move forward with the build? Can you sell the lot and buy somewhere else completely but still use your builder? It's going to be so awkward living across the street from him after this. He sounds like such a jerk.

We bought the lot with cash and have money down with the builder and a signed contract. It's already 6 figures in at this point. We will build it. DH said we can always sell in the future. As angry as I am I don't want to think this way, but DH said tonight that his Dad is already past the average life span. That feels bad to think that way though.

I am so sorry it played out this way. I'd try to sell the lot and talk to the builder about building elsewhere but I'm a petty *itch.

[lust2hart]

I'm sorry this isn't working out the way you had hoped.

[sofamonkey]

Sept 24, 2024 9:59:22 GMT -5 hermione said:

Sept 23, 2024 19:51:43 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

We bought the lot with cash and have money down with the builder and a signed contract. It's already 6 figures in at this point. We will build it. DH said we can always sell in the future. As angry as I am I don't want to think this way, but DH said tonight that his Dad is already past the average life span. That feels bad to think that way though.

I am so sorry it played out this way. I'd try to sell the lot and talk to the builder about building elsewhere but I'm a petty *itch.

Yes, I’m here too. Because when he passes, if that lot/house go to SIL, that will NOT be something I’d be willing to deal with. I’d also not tell FIL about your change until you’d moved into whatever house you build.

[pinkyp]

Ugh I'm really sorry this is happening Maude. My IL's are going to be looking to move closer to us (from an hour+ away) in the near future and I told DH in no uncertain terms that he needs to make sure we have a buffer zone of at least 15-20 min. We'll see what happens tho, because I swear to God if I died tomorrow he'd have his parents moved in the next day. Baby of the family and all that 🙄

Also mommyatty your story about laying half naked on the couch happened to me almost exactly! Tho I wasn't preg, just lounging around with a short robe and nothing underneath. Suddenly I hear a faint knock and MIL shouting "anybody home?" coming from the door from the garage into the kitchen. I yelled out "HANG ON! I'M NOT DECENT!" and they were appropriately mortified. They haven't dropped by unannounced since.