FIL moving closer update

[pixy0stix]

I wouldn't want my MIL to build a new house next to me purely because that's an incredible waste of money that would need to be used for her elder care later. These boomers act like they're not ever going to need $$$$$$$ care.

[sadlebred]

You don't need a specific reason other than "I don't want FIL to live across the street from us." That's enough reason in itself. I would have been livid if my ex-IL's lived even 15 minutes from us....or my ex-BILs. They all lived hours away but didn't respect boundaries.

[lilac05]

I totally understand your perspective and all of your concerns and feelings. I would NOT be happy if my in-laws did that. I would hate it.

However, I also think that you can’t try to tell another person what to do with their life/money. (However, if he’s financially set for life and doesn’t need to worry about investments, you could talk to him about you not needing the additional money when he passes.) You own that lot, and that’s all you have control over. The best thing you can do at this point is talk about boundaries if he decides to go through with it, get more specific about it once he signs the papers, and start thinking about landscaping to help give you a little more privacy.

[yourmother]

I wouldn’t want any family member to move across the street from me unless it were MY idea. I don’t think it’s too much for some of us to want our own tiny piece of the world to not have to share with anyone in our family. There’s so much nuance that comes from not having that privacy, no matter how much boundaries are in place.

If I were OP, I’d want to insert a gif here with the little girl mad and shaking the hairbrush. Eff that noise, FIL is being inconsiderate, obtuse or both. Now there’s going to be underlying tension if shit goes sideways between op and her DH if/when FIL crosses boundaries.

[wanderingback]

Sept 22, 2024 14:16:38 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

You don't need a specific reason other than "I don't want FIL to live across the street from us." That's enough reason in itself. I would have been livid if my ex-IL's lived even 15 minutes from us....or my ex-BILs. They all lived hours away but didn't respect boundaries.

To clarify my opinion- in general I don’t think you need a specific reason to do things or have opinions in life. Like if someone asks you to go to dinner with Them, "no" is a complete sentence.

However, I do think it’s a bit different when it’s not your immediate family and you’re asking your spouse to talk to said family member. If my partner told me to tell my mom she couldn’t move nearby I would absolutely want to know why and not "just because" as I know my mom would ask why and I would personally want to give an explanation. I think most close family members would ask why or would ask if there is any way to communicate/discuss concerns.

[dontlook]

Sept 22, 2024 13:22:04 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

I can't believe I forgot this one, but he showed up for part of our vacation a few years ago. He was 1 year post losing MIL, so it felt bad to get on him about it, but it just always seems there is some reason we can't say something to him or SIL and so we end up swallowing it down and they get to tra la la and we aren't happy. I'm just at enough. I do realize that isn't real specific, it's more a culmination of things and just being done trying to not hurt feelings all the time.

It sounds to me that you are always “holding it in and together” around your in-laws and can manage that for now, but don’t want to have that feeling every single moment of the day with them that close. I get it. I’m not sure what you can do other than have strict boundaries with your H with regards to them OR just not care about the fallout from not holding back.

[mommyatty]

Sept 22, 2024 16:13:08 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Sept 22, 2024 14:16:38 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

You don't need a specific reason other than "I don't want FIL to live across the street from us." That's enough reason in itself. I would have been livid if my ex-IL's lived even 15 minutes from us....or my ex-BILs. They all lived hours away but didn't respect boundaries.

To clarify my opinion- in general I don’t think you need a specific reason to do things or have opinions in life. Like if someone asks you to go to dinner with Them, "no" is a complete sentence.

However, I do think it’s a bit different when it’s not your immediate family and you’re asking your spouse to talk to said family member. If my partner told me to tell my mom she couldn’t move nearby I would absolutely want to know why and not "just because" as I know my mom would ask why and I would personally want to give an explanation. I think most close family members would ask why or would ask if there is any way to communicate/discuss concerns.

“Because my partner isn’t comfortable with it, Mom.” That’s the only answer she needs. Honestly, this is a “two yeses, one no” kind of thing, even if ultimately you don’t have control over the outcome. Plus a “you deal with your family and I deal with mine” layered on top of it.

And for people who have clearly never had issues with families who have no boundaries, or who themselves have no boundaries, here’s the issue. People who live all up in each other’s business are prone to extreme drama. This situation frankly reeks of it. “Hey, sis, why weren’t you at Brother’s on Friday night? He had a big party. Oh, you weren’t invited? Well did you do something to offend him? Oh, it was probably Maude. She’s always trying to keep your brother away from his family.” And then it’s off to the races, with Sis, three aunts, eighteen cousins, and the hairdresser who did Grandma Gigi’s hair all yakking and pissed off about how Sis was slighted when it turns out you were doing a baby shower for a coworker Sis doesn’t even know. So yeah, I would be uncomfortable with that level of visibility unless I had incredible boundaries that were well-respected and honored.

[wanderingback]

Sept 22, 2024 18:17:44 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

Sept 22, 2024 16:13:08 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

To clarify my opinion- in general I don’t think you need a specific reason to do things or have opinions in life. Like if someone asks you to go to dinner with Them, "no" is a complete sentence.

However, I do think it’s a bit different when it’s not your immediate family and you’re asking your spouse to talk to said family member. If my partner told me to tell my mom she couldn’t move nearby I would absolutely want to know why and not "just because" as I know my mom would ask why and I would personally want to give an explanation. I think most close family members would ask why or would ask if there is any way to communicate/discuss concerns.

“Because my partner isn’t comfortable with it, Mom.” That’s the only answer she needs. Honestly, this is a “two yeses, one no” kind of thing, even if ultimately you don’t have control over the outcome. Plus a “you deal with your family and I deal with mine” layered on top of it.

And for people who have clearly never had issues with families who have no boundaries, or who themselves have no boundaries, here’s the issue. People who live all up in each other’s business are prone to extreme drama. This situation frankly reeks of it. “Hey, sis, why weren’t you at Brother’s on Friday night? He had a big party. Oh, you weren’t invited? Well did you do something to offend him? Oh, it was probably Maude. She’s always trying to keep your brother away from his family.” And then it’s off to the races, with Sis, three aunts, eighteen cousins, and the hairdresser who did Grandma Gigi’s hair all yakking and pissed off about how Sis was slighted when it turns out you were doing a baby shower for a coworker Sis doesn’t even know. So yeah, I would be uncomfortableii with that level of visibility unless I had incredible boundaries that were well-respected and honored.

But op said her H didn’t agree with her initially. I don’t think it’s out of line to expect some clear reasons. That is what communication is about in serious relationships. Obviously every relationship is different but when a conflict comes up I usually don’t just say "because I said so." I usually give specific reasons or explanations for why I’m saying what I’m saying or feeling.

[macmars45]

Sept 22, 2024 18:17:44 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

Sept 22, 2024 16:13:08 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

To clarify my opinion- in general I don’t think you need a specific reason to do things or have opinions in life. Like if someone asks you to go to dinner with Them, "no" is a complete sentence.

However, I do think it’s a bit different when it’s not your immediate family and you’re asking your spouse to talk to said family member. If my partner told me to tell my mom she couldn’t move nearby I would absolutely want to know why and not "just because" as I know my mom would ask why and I would personally want to give an explanation. I think most close family members would ask why or would ask if there is any way to communicate/discuss concerns.

“Because my partner isn’t comfortable with it, Mom.” That’s the only answer she needs. Honestly, this is a “two yeses, one no” kind of thing, even if ultimately you don’t have control over the outcome. Plus a “you deal with your family and I deal with mine” layered on top of it.

We aren't comfortable with it. Don't throw your spouse under the bus and make them the bad guy; be a united front.

[wanderingback]

And if the FIL does indeed move closer it seems better to have established clear communication and established boundaries ahead of time. A lot of people have discussed having close by relatives and boundaries that they have set.

It seems the conversation would go much better with a discussion like we’re concerned that there may be privacy issues and unannounced visits so let’s discuss how to avoid that instead of you can’t move near because I said so.

[noodleoo]

Sept 22, 2024 18:53:26 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

And if the FIL does indeed move closer it seems better to have established clear communication and established boundaries ahead of time. A lot of people have discussed having close by relatives and boundaries that they have set.

It seems the conversation would go much better with a discussion like we’re concerned that there may be privacy issues and unannounced visits so let’s discuss how to avoid that instead of you can’t move near because I said so.

This doesn’t work with people who have boundary issues. They 1) will argue that there won’t be privacy issues or unannounced visits and then get mad at you for suggesting that and 2) might agree to your rules and then break them anyway. If you could have a reasonable discussion with them about boundaries and have them respect them, there wouldn’t be boundary issues!

It’s obvious your family isn’t like this based on stuff your posted, you are really lucky. But a lot of people’s parents/ILs are very different.

[wanderingback]

Sept 22, 2024 20:28:40 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Sept 22, 2024 18:53:26 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

And if the FIL does indeed move closer it seems better to have established clear communication and established boundaries ahead of time. A lot of people have discussed having close by relatives and boundaries that they have set.

It seems the conversation would go much better with a discussion like we’re concerned that there may be privacy issues and unannounced visits so let’s discuss how to avoid that instead of you can’t move near because I said so.

This doesn’t work with people who have boundary issues. They 1) will argue that there won’t be privacy issues or unannounced visits and then get mad at you for suggesting that and 2) might agree to your rules and then break them anyway. If you could have a reasonable discussion with them about boundaries and have them respect them, there wouldn’t be boundary issues!

It’s obvious your family isn’t like this based on stuff your posted, you are really lucky. But a lot of people’s parents/ILs are very different.

I’m not going to go back and reread everything but OP didn’t give specific examples of FIL breaking huge boundaries. I’m 100% sure if OP said my FIL is bat shit crazy and I’ve seen him hiding in our bushes before then this post wouldn’t be 3 pages. In addition, OP said her H wasn’t on board initially so I also assume that he doesn’t think his father has huge issues either. So overall it doesn’t seem "because I said so" will be helpful when talking to her H in this specific situation.

So again, my responses are just about this specific situation in which OP hasn’t given much back story and said her H wasn’t on board with her.

[livinitup]

maudefindlay I’m not thinking you are doomed & a few folks said they had reservations in similar situations and it worked out. What strikes me is you both felt the need to keep it quiet for “reasons”, then your H “really wanted to ask his dad some questions about the build” then his dad announced he is buying a lot, too.

That strikes me as
- shit, what was so important that your H had to ask his dad
- why did you want to keep it quiet in the first place
- wasn’t this reaction the exact reason you wanted to keep it quiet

These feelings don’t often come with a specific list you can point to - that’s what makes it hard to talk about. But your H feeling the need to include his dad (why?) and then his dad claiming it was some great, unique, not-to-be-missed investment opportunity strikes me that there are a LOT of feelings under the surface not being admitted to or addressed.

And THATS why you don’t love the idea of being front door neighbors.

[maudefindlay]

livinitup I think you are right on most of what you pointed out. The keeping the house a secret was purely a boundary with his sister and her family. FIL knows a lot about house building and DH values his opinion on things. FIL just a few weeks ago started going to open houses for some new builds and he found one he liked and I think he was going to buy and would have been 2 miles or so from us. Then DH showed him our lot and he liked those and our builder much better. The rest that you said did hit on things that are true. I just cannot ever imagine moving across the street from my kids some day when they are adults with no prior discussion to see if they'd like that.

[sofamonkey]

Sept 22, 2024 21:01:15 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

livinitup I think you are right on most of what you pointed out. The keeping the house a secret was purely a boundary with his sister and her family. FIL knows a lot about house building and DH values his opinion on things. FIL just a few weeks ago started going to open houses for some new builds and he found one he liked and I think he was going to buy and would have been 2 miles or so from us. Then DH showed him our lot and he liked those and our builder much better. The rest that you said did hit on things that are true. I just cannot ever imagine moving across the street from my kids some day when they are adults with no prior discussion to see if they'd like that.

Your feelings are super valid. I think y’all need a good discussion. You’ve listed out a lot of good reasons in here, and I think it’s time to take the “keeping the peace at all costs” gloves off. Don’t be rude, but be firm and clear with your concerns. It sounds like your FIL just is oblivious to how things come across.

You obviously cannot control him, but you can drop your facade you’ve been cultivating so well. At your own expense, you’ve been making things “fine” with him and others. Be as clear as you are here. No need to stay miserable for a false sense of peace. It’s not actually peace, it’s harmful to your and your family.

[gerberdaisy]

I'm super late to this, but I could not imagine if MIL moved in across the street. She is so nosy and would constantly be questioning/judging everything we do.

I'm really sorry. In our situation it would be incredibly difficult but couldn't go through with building a house near her.

[maudefindlay]

Thank you to all who responded. Your opinions and advice all helped me sort thru my feelings. I totally agree we cannot tell FIL where to live/not live, but the fact of the matter is that we already own a lot and have a contract and money in with our builder, so we have both now lovingly asked him not to do this and to please give us space. DH and I both agree we would not have purchased this lot and built there had we known FIL would be wanting to buy/build. We've asked, we've shared that this is causing issues for us and will change our relationship. I fully expect later this week he will tell DH he is sale pending on that lot. I totally understand that some live with their ILs and some want to be next door neighbors and I do think that's great when it is what everyone wants, that's not the case here and I will resent him. I actually think I need to talk to a therapist to work thru this all and the issues with SIL. DH even told his Dad about SIL and how one day she just messaged me that she knew I hated her and that since then she keeps telling people that and how it's causing friction for us and FIL was all "Oh yeah, SIL does that. She grabs onto something and takes it too far." I will update you all when he makes his final decision.

[rhian]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I completely understand the desire for privacy even with a good relationship. My parents love to talk about everything going on in my life, even if it's not really conversation worthy. We have a good relationship, and they live a few hours away so I'm able to just ignore it, but it would definitely get on my nerves if they lived across the street. For example, our water heater needed to be replaced while they were visiting. We rent, so our landlord handled it, and there just wasn't anything to discuss. If my parents hadn't been in town, I would not have even mentioned it to them. But because they were, I had multiple unnecessary conversations with them about this stupid water heater.

All that to say, I don't think there needs to be a history of invading your privacy to not want this living situation! Sometimes you just want to be able to live your life without wanting your family to be aware of every detail. I hope you're able to figure out a plan moving forward that works for you, even if he does end up moving.

[felicity]

I'm sorry. I hope your FIL decides not to build there. Am I reading correctly that you guys asked him not to buy the lot, but you expect him to buy it anyway? I'd be pretty upset about this too.

[dexteroni]

maudefindlay I’m sorry your FIL is being so unreasonable about this. I would keep trying if I were you and your DH. Since his moving across the street is going to change your relationship with him, and frankly his refusal to consider your request would have already changed it for me, then there’s not a lot to lose by keeping at it. But there’s a lot to gain by succeeding in stopping him, so IMO it’s worth continuing to try. Maybe try saying it less lovingly. lol.

Is there a third party relative who he would listen to who would go to bat for you? I feel like “what are you doing? Stop this. They’re really upset” from the right person could go a long way. Good luck.

[laurack]

If my husbands mother tried to move right next door to us and I was like hold on what? And my husband was like “oh what reasons do you have for not wanting this” I’d be like umm wtf are you talking about. And his mom isn’t even awful or anything, it’s just like a known thing that a lot of people don’t want their in laws or parents moving next door to them …

[mommyatty]

laurack, right? Lol. It’s not like the answer is going to be, “Because your parent is such a bounding ray of sunshine that I’m afraid of getting too tan plus brings so many rainbows into our lives that people might start searching our yard for a pot of gold.” That’s just not a can of worms anyone wants to open or to have opened on them. There isn’t an answer that’s not going to feel hurtful, so just leave it as less is more.

[fiddles]

Sept 22, 2024 20:35:06 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Sept 22, 2024 20:28:40 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

This doesn’t work with people who have boundary issues. They 1) will argue that there won’t be privacy issues or unannounced visits and then get mad at you for suggesting that and 2) might agree to your rules and then break them anyway. If you could have a reasonable discussion with them about boundaries and have them respect them, there wouldn’t be boundary issues!

It’s obvious your family isn’t like this based on stuff your posted, you are really lucky. But a lot of people’s parents/ILs are very different.

I’m not going to go back and reread everything but OP didn’t give specific examples of FIL breaking huge boundaries. I’m 100% sure if OP said my FIL is bat shit crazy and I’ve seen him hiding in our bushes before then this post wouldn’t be 3 pages. In addition, OP said her H wasn’t on board initially so I also assume that he doesn’t think his father has huge issues either. So overall it doesn’t seem "because I said so" will be helpful when talking to her H in this specific situation.

So again, my responses are just about this specific situation in which OP hasn’t given much back story and said her H wasn’t on board with her.

There doesn't have to be specific examples of someone breaking a boundary.  Moving across the street to someone without first talking to them is breaking a boundary.  The OP stated that if she was on her front porch she would see directly to FIL's house.  I wouldn't want my parents, in laws, shoot even my best friend to live right across the street from me.  

A home is your sanctuary.  This isn't like buying the same type of car.  This definitely should have been a conversation FIL had with them. 

[wanderingback]

Sept 23, 2024 15:59:26 GMT -5 fiddles said:

Sept 22, 2024 20:35:06 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

I’m not going to go back and reread everything but OP didn’t give specific examples of FIL breaking huge boundaries. I’m 100% sure if OP said my FIL is bat shit crazy and I’ve seen him hiding in our bushes before then this post wouldn’t be 3 pages. In addition, OP said her H wasn’t on board initially so I also assume that he doesn’t think his father has huge issues either. So overall it doesn’t seem "because I said so" will be helpful when talking to her H in this specific situation.

So again, my responses are just about this specific situation in which OP hasn’t given much back story and said her H wasn’t on board with her.

There doesn't have to be specific examples of someone breaking a boundary.  Moving across the street to someone without first talking to them is breaking a boundary.  The OP stated that if she was on her front porch she would see directly to FIL's house.  I wouldn't want my parents, in laws, shoot even my best friend to live right across the street from me.  

A home is your sanctuary.  This isn't like buying the same type of car.  This definitely should have been a conversation FIL had with them. 

OP seemed to post for input. She said her husband didn’t seem on board with approaching the FIL. I bet if someone posted about their husband saying "cause I said so" about something they wanted that a poster and the rest of us didn’t agree with we would say the husband needs to do a better job at communicating/explaining.

I personally think having a reason/explaining yourself, especially if talking to your spouse or asking for advice helps other people understand better and helps with communication. I know I’m
Laid back and recognize not everyone is like that, hence asking clarifying questions to better understand others perspectives. I wouldn’t have a problem with someone I know living across the street from me and everyone is different, so explaining yourself is helpful when communicating with others, especially your husband and/or if you’re looking for advice or input.

[maudefindlay]

Well, got a harsh message back that totally missed the point, said I'm being unreasonable, and that he minds his own business and maybe I need to do the same.

[mofongo]

Ugh, I’m sorry:( I totally get it, someone’s house being in your line of site is different than 5 minutes. It’s hard to understand how he doesn’t get that, you already live plenty close enough.

[dexteroni]

Sept 23, 2024 16:50:35 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Well, got a harsh message back that totally missed the point, said I'm being unreasonable, and that he minds his own business and maybe I need to do the same.

Are you doing this by text? I think this needs to be done in person. You and DH should go to his house, together, and hash this out.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2024 17:18:25 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Sept 23, 2024 16:50:35 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Well, got a harsh message back that totally missed the point, said I'm being unreasonable, and that he minds his own business and maybe I need to do the same.

Are you doing this by text? I think this needs to be done in person. You and DH should go to his house, together, and hash this out.

DH already talked to him in person on Saturday. I sent him a message yesterday only because I wanted to say my part before he bought the lot and we have no idea when he will do that.

[maudefindlay]

He's buying the lot. We told him how we felt and he knows. He wants what he wants. That's it.

[mofongo]

Sept 23, 2024 18:07:48 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

He's buying the lot. We told him how we felt and he knows. He wants what he wants. That's it.

Wow! I’m sorry:( this will definitely put you in more frequent contact with the PITA SIL.