How old to leave teens at home?

[lavenderblue]

I was planning on going to Italy with family next May, my kids would not be going. At the time they would be 17 (high school Junior) and 18 (high school Senior). When my family started planning this trip my kids still had a relationship with their Father, they do not now. Now I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't go, I'm not sure how I feel about leaving them alone for 9 days. I have no family close by that would be able to check in on them. Would you be comfortable leaving kids this age home alone for that long? I know that when I was a teenager my parents would go away for the weekend leaving me and my siblings home, so I would've been 16/17 and my brothers are 2 and 4 years younger than me respectively, but a weekend seems much different than an entire week. It's not even that I don't trust my kids, it's just that that is a long time. I'm not sure what to do and we are getting close to booking now and I'm having second thoughts. 

[bex1973]

Of course you know your kids best but I would be ok with leaving them at that age. Do they have other trusted adults in close proximity that they could call on if they needed to since you don't have family close by?

[mrsukyankee]

Do they have friends they could stay with during this time? When I was working at the American School, parents would travel w/o their kids often and kids would stay with classmates or other friends and go to school with them, etc. I think a weekend to 5 days is fine but that long may be too much for the kids (put pressure on them by peers). Even if they stayed with friends on the weekends and then took care of themselves during the week days, that might be a good option.

[lust2hart]

I would not leave them alone for that long without anyone nearby to check in. Doesn't have to be family, but there has to be SOMEONE who your kids can turn to if they need help. (And I'd want that person to check in on the kids every 1-2 days).

Alternatively, next May is a ways away - perhaps you can take shorter trips between now and then and work up to it? If they've never been alone before beyond an overnight, it's a big jump from that to 9 days.

[fernweh]

I am not a parent so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt.

The 18 year old is an actual adult. You know them but if you think they would be responsible and actually get themselves to school? Do you have any friends who would check on them throughout the week/be on call in case kids had something happen?

I think you should ask them how they feel though. Some kids might be fine with that some wouldn’t. Do what makes them comfortable.

[waverly]

My sister left her 17 year old and 14 year old home alone for a week. I thought it was the wrong call. She had 2 grandparents that could look after them, but what ended up happening is that one of the kids got Covid, so that grandparent refused to help. The other grandparent is just not the best, and the boys didn't want to stay there. I'm not sure how helpful that grandparent ended up being. And, they also had a power outage. I am also not sure how much school that they missed.

So let's presume, OK they are safe because they were safe physically. I think the 14 year old was too young. 17/18 might be OK, but think through a few scenarios, illness, accidents, power outages and figure out who is going to help with that and where they would go, and what neighbors or other trusted adults can help them in these scenarios.

I think it probably would have been fine for my sister, if my mom had stayed with them the entire week, but she didn't want to, and then by the time it was her shift the one kid had Covid. My nephew had to throw away all the food in the refrigerator, and luckily it was August/ September so there were no heating issues.  

[expectantsteelerfan]

I know for my kids, I would not be comfortable leaving them alone for that long, and I'm not even sure if I'd be able/willing to do it for a weekend. BUT I'd be willing to take whatever help I could call in to try to still make it happen. I'd probably ask for them each to stay at a friend's house if family wasn't an option at all.

But for context, my ds is 15 and in 10th grade, and I can't even have them home alone in the morning because he can't reliably get himself up for school and out the door on time. He is also the type of kid who would totally have his friends come over/have a party and do things I wouldn't want him to be doing when unsupervised.

[lust2hart]

Oct 17, 2024 10:34:01 GMT -5 waverly said:

My sister left her 17 year old and 14 year old home alone for a week. I thought it was the wrong call. She had 2 grandparents that could look after them, but what ended up happening is that one of the kids got Covid, so that grandparent refused to help. The other grandparent is just not the best, and the boys didn't want to stay there. I'm not sure how helpful they ended up being. And, they also had a power outage. I am also not sure how much school that they missed.

So let's presume, OK they are safe because they were safe physically. I think the 14 year old was too young. 17/18 might be OK, but think through a few scenarios, illness, accidents, power outages and figure out who is going to help with that and where they would go, and what neighbors or other trusted adults can help them in these scenarios.

I think it probably would have been fine for my sister, if my mom had stayed with them the entire week, but she didn't want to, and then by the time it was her shift the one kid had Covid.

So the kid with Covid was left on their own / only had their sibling to help them?

[cuadrado]

Do you have any good friends or close neighbors that could be around just in case of an emergency?

[rosiebear]

I would leave my kids for that long, at those ages. I’d be checking in on them via text and FaceTime.

[mrsslocombe]

My parents sent me to stay with my bf's family, even though I would have been fine being alone for that long. My grandmother lived in town though, so they also had her as an option.

I don't have kids but I'd mostly be worried that your kids would throw a party or do something else stupid being left alone that long. I was definitely the rare kid that would have never dared (and I lived pretty far away from all my classmates anyway, in the middle of nowhere) but teenagers will teenage.

[maudefindlay]

How are they doing mental health wise? Don't feel like you have to answer that, but you've shared struggles. That would factor in to my decision. I also agree there has to be a trusted adult checking in and who the kids can turn to if needed. A weekend away ok, over a week out of the country you need eyes, ears, and a helping hand local to them. I think you've shared that your ex has no custody, but could he stir up trouble if he found out you left the 17 year old or legally is that OK given the 18 yr old is an adult?

[lilac05]

My oldest is 13, so my answer might change in a few years. Any chance they could go along with you?

A weekend is one thing. They can easily be in survival mode that long. They're never much more than 24 hours from seeing you (either since they've seen you or until they'll see you). 9 days means they'll likely have to get groceries, do laundry, etc. as well as higher chances that someone will get sick, someone would break up with a significant other, something in the house will break, etc.

Do you have neighbors or close friends that they're comfortable with?

As with all of these things, a lot depends on the kids. Not just how trustworthy they are, but also how independent they are. If your kids have been making meals at home and doing laundry since they were 13, that's different than teaching them the week before you leave so they can have food to eat and clothes to wear.

[gottadobe]

Can you fly a family member in to stay with them? Cousin or someone similar? Is Anybody looking for a getaway?

[felicity]

I wouldn't for a lot of reasons. You're really far away if there was an emergency, you can't just hop on a flight an be home quickly. It's a long time to be without an another adult around. Even the good kids will throw parties and do stuff you don't want them to be doing. I definitely had a party when I was 18 and my parents went out of town for the first time. I had never got in trouble before that. My parents were so sure I was the kind of kid who would never!

[lavenderblue]

I will say, I am not worried about my daughter AT ALL. She is very independent, and is honestly like Mom 2.0 in some aspects. She is the one who will be 18 at the time. I think that my worry with my son is that he would give her a hard time. Right now she is the one who gets him up in the morning for school 3 days a week because I have to go in to the office, but I worry that he might take advantage of me not being around at all and not listen to her. And having them stay with a friend isn't really an option, because DD doesn't really have any close friends and even if DS stayed with one of his, I don't think that DD would want to be home totally alone for that long. She does have a long term boyfriend, but he lives 40+ minutes away so that wouldn't work during the school week. They are both well aware of this trip and are totally fine with the idea of being home alone, so that's good at least, but I'm just a natural worrier and now that we're getting ready to book it's giving me pause.

[shortstax]

Could you amend your plans to take them with you? That’s costly but if it’s possible, they’re at wonderful ages to explore the world, and maybe it could be great for them.

[sonrisa]

I'm sorry your kids' dad is so awful that you are in this tough spot. I hope you find a solution.

[leahcar]

I don't think I would be comfortable unless you have someone local that can check in or help during an emergency.

[huskymom]

Anyone that could stay with them? I’m at the point where my ILs would be too old/not in the best health to cover a trip like this for us, and not that I have anything planned but we have several current and ex-coaches I would hire to stay with my kids (for gymnastics a lot of their coaches are college or just graduated, and live at home). I think yours would need even less looking after but maybe just to have a responsible adult “in charge”? Mine aren’t quite that age (10/13) so I can’t really say what I would do.

[waverly]

Oct 17, 2024 10:36:26 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

Oct 17, 2024 10:34:01 GMT -5 waverly said:

My sister left her 17 year old and 14 year old home alone for a week. I thought it was the wrong call. She had 2 grandparents that could look after them, but what ended up happening is that one of the kids got Covid, so that grandparent refused to help. The other grandparent is just not the best, and the boys didn't want to stay there. I'm not sure how helpful they ended up being. And, they also had a power outage. I am also not sure how much school that they missed.

So let's presume, OK they are safe because they were safe physically. I think the 14 year old was too young. 17/18 might be OK, but think through a few scenarios, illness, accidents, power outages and figure out who is going to help with that and where they would go, and what neighbors or other trusted adults can help them in these scenarios.

I think it probably would have been fine for my sister, if my mom had stayed with them the entire week, but she didn't want to, and then by the time it was her shift the one kid had Covid.

So the kid with Covid was left on their own / only had their sibling to help them?

When they left for vacation both kids were well, the first shift grandma was stopping by, but they did not want to stay with her.  My mom was supposed to be the second shift (later in the week), and when she found out there was Covid she refused to stop by.  Whether the other grandma came by masked for a few minutes, on those days, or just peaced out I am not sure.  It just sounded like a bad situation overall. 

ETA- the power outage was also a long one 3 days maybe.  So they basically had an adult sort of looking after them for about 3-4 days and not much supervision for the other 3-4 days. 

[mcppalmbeach]

I think they would be most likely be fine and safe if you left them alone provided they are good kids with nothing else “going on.”

For me myself, I don’t think I could do it. Yes, the 18yo is technically an adult. But my mom used to say even when I was away at college, she worried about me in the way parents will, but it wasn’t the same worry she had when I was living at home under her care. I think I’ll feel the same way. It’s a mental block I think you either have or don’t so everyone will feel differently. If you/they had a close friend they could trust or call in the event of emergency, I might feel differently, but 9 days is way longer than a week away and Europe is farther away than a long weekend at the beach or whatever.

[mcppalmbeach]

Oct 17, 2024 10:49:42 GMT -5 waverly said:

Oct 17, 2024 10:36:26 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

So the kid with Covid was left on their own / only had their sibling to help them?

When they left for vacation both kids were well, the first shift grandma was stopping by, but they did not want to stay with her.  My mom was supposed to be the second shift (later in the week), and when she found out there was Covid she refused to stop by.  Whether the other grandma came by masked for a few minutes, on those days, or just peaced out I am not sure.  It just sounded like a bad situation overall. 

ETA- the power outage was also a long one 3 days maybe.  So they basically had an adult sort of looking after them for about 3-4 days and not much supervision for the other 3-4 days. 

Yikes that is an unfortunate series of events here. I’m trying not to judge your mom here because I get the Covid hesitancy, but she like wouldn’t go over and stand at the door to deliver a meal or anything when they had no power?

[midwestmama]

I have a 15 yo and 13.5 yo, so not quite as old yet, but will be there in a few years. For me, I would not be comfortable leaving my kids that long and being so far away, even at 17 or 18. I am a worst-case scenario kind of person, so I would be considering if my kids would be capable of handling an emergency without anyone close to turn to for help/assistance. What if they get sick (not just a cold or minor illness), or there is a long power outage or natural disaster, or an accident? Trying to get home quickly from Italy will still take a while, depending on what flights you are able to get.

[devonpow]

We have left our 17 year old home alone a few times, including a week this summer (we were only a few hours away). He will legally be an adult in a few months and next September will be living potentially thousands of miles away from us on his own. He needs to figure it out at some point.

We live in an urban area and we know many of the neighbors plus have good friends that live near by in case anything happened. If I were to be in Europe/a flight away I would make sure there was a trusted adult near by that could do check in’s or that you could have step in in case of emergency but otherwise I think it’s fine. Just beware that if they are like my son they will use and abuse door dash to a ridiculous extent.

[sadlebred]

I was left alone at 16 for a week. My parents left the pantry/fridge stocked & gave me money for pizza/emergencies (I had my own money from my job as well). A neighbor checked on me. I was also alone for a week at 17 & 18 when they were on vacation. I was a pretty responsible kid. My parents refused to leave my brother by himself til he was 18. (I can tell stories of some epic parties he had at the house while I was in college & the parents were gone....)

[lavenderblue]

To answer some questions:

My daughter does have a hx of an ED but she has been in recovery for a long time and her health is even better now that her Dad is out of her life, I do of course still worry about her though.

Both of my kids help cook and clean now and also do their own laundry. My daughter also grocery shops often. That said, I would of course make sure that their laundry was done and the house was clean before I left and also fully stocked on groceries as well as some prepared meals if they wanted.

This trip is with my parents and my siblings, and no one is bringing their kids. My one brothers kids are in college and my other brother his kids will be staying with his exW. There are no other adults in my family. I do have neighbors that I know and trust and could certainly ask them to check in, but I don't have anyone who could come stay with them. I was for a time considering inviting my exMIL but my kids have since had a falling out with her because she fully supports their Dad. My oldest son is only about 45 minutes away, but he has a very erratic work schedule so isn't super reliable.

[abs]

A day or two? Sure. 9 days? When they are still in high school? No I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

[devonpow]

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

[kadams767]

Oct 17, 2024 10:43:32 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

I will say, I am not worried about my daughter AT ALL. She is very independent, and is honestly like Mom 2.0 in some aspects. She is the one who will be 18 at the time. I think that my worry with my son is that he would give her a hard time. Right now she is the one who gets him up in the morning for school 3 days a week because I have to go in to the office, but I worry that he might take advantage of me not being around at all and not listen to her. And having them stay with a friend isn't really an option, because DD doesn't really have any close friends and even if DS stayed with one of his, I don't think that DD would want to be home totally alone for that long. She does have a long term boyfriend, but he lives 40+ minutes away so that wouldn't work during the school week. They are both well aware of this trip and are totally fine with the idea of being home alone, so that's good at least, but I'm just a natural worrier and now that we're getting ready to book it's giving me pause.

Are you close enough with one of your son's friend's parents that you could ask them to check in on them and act as backup in an emergency?  Or do you have a friend of your own that would do it?