How old to leave teens at home?

[abs]

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

For me it’s not that I would worry about DD. She’s extremely responsible and independent. However she is prone to depression and can get lonely. 9 days would just be too long for my comfort level and hers.

I wouldn’t have liked it at that age either for the same reasons.

Also I think most people are excited about their kid driving AND also nervous, lol.

[TR]

I hear sadlebred is looking for house sitting gigs

jk, but wouldn't that be funny if that worked out? lol

[circa1978]

My cousin left his 19, 17, and 14-year-old during a trip to Europe this summer with his MIL and my aunt in town and a neighbor nearby to check on the kids. It was fine; I think the trip was on the shorter side - it was work-related.

devonpow, I think people's fears are more along the lines of sickness, crisis, their kids being without them as a resource if they get in a car accident or whatever, not that their kid is going to be murdered in their bed. That said, I have a lot of experience with what the parents of college-age students worry about, and you would be gobsmacked at how little some people think their kids are capable of.

[cjcouple]

I would not ne comfortable with that for a few reasons.

-The amount of time
-No one nearby in an emergency
-Trip is out of the country

I have an 18yo college student and a 15yo and they are great kids who make good choices and I still wouldn't be comfortable.

[stemmie]

Parent of one adult son.

I think we left him solo when he was about 19. He's a pretty level headed and reliably honest and I had an older niece and friends who could have assisted him as needed.

Some of his friends' parents have left kids home alone for long weekends to a week out of the country. It's been a mixed bag. In 2 of the families, both with a 17y.o. son/15 y.o. daughter, it went great. Both sets grew up used to parents working in NYC and traveling a lot. They have close bonds and get along and are used to parents being out of the house a lot. One relied on grandparents as a back up and the other on friends from church.

In the other family the son was a newly 18 y.o. who was kind of immature and who fought with the middle child (a very capable and bright 16 y.o. sister). Fights ensued. The brother disappeared dramatically for 2 days. Level-headed sister called a family friend who helped locate the son and keep things on an even keel until the parents returned. The middle daughter went to stay with friends and the oldest/youngest came to stay at the family friend's house as her kids were friends with those 2. As big a jerk as the brother was, he calmed down in college and is great now.

[dancingnancy]

Echo what others said. This would be a no for me due to you being out of the country for that length of time with no one close to help in a just in case situation. I would think of people like parents of their friends that they could reach out to. My DD is 15 so I would t do this, but when she is 17/18 my parents are 5 minutes up the road and I have friends close by that would drop what they were doing to help her if necessary. It’s just the unknowns people have brought up - power outage, appliance repair, broken down car, etc.

[laurental]

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

What if the literal most dangerous thing is why I wouldn't leave my kids for 9 days? I wouldn't leave teens that age with no family near because if they were in a car accident who would/could even be there? Even if it was a small accident I wouldn't want my kids to navigate that alone. 

[abs]

Yeah I will add that my husband was left alone for long weekends all the time in high school. When he was 16 he got in a wreck and his parents couldn’t make it back until a few days later. He is still pretty traumatized by that.

[DotAndBuzz]

No, I wouldn't.

Could they physically survive and take care of themselves for a week? Yes, I don't think I'd see that as the issue.

It's the other stuff that would give me pause. 9 days solo is a LONG time, especially if they've never done it before. I don't think any teen worth their salt would admit this, but I think they'd get lonely/feel maybe "abandoned." NOT AT ALL that that's what you're doing. It just may feel, to them, like they're "alone," which to a teen is a really tough thing. Driving would also make me nervous. Even good drivers can have crappy things happen, so for no one to be immediately available to them if something happened would be a deal breaker for me.
Ditto for house stuff. Any number of home emergencies, or even just issues, could come up, that my kids would have NO IDEA how to deal with. Like a sprinkler head that won't turn off, or the smoke alarm goes off in error, garage door spring breaks, hot water heater dies, washer floods, toilet breaks (why do most of mine involve water? lol).
They're not true emergencies, but they're home issues that some adults don't even know what to do about, let alone a 17 and 18 year old who have to go to school, not be home to let the plumber in.

An overnight, or weekend, I think I'd be ok with. 9 days across the ocean I don't think I would.

[waverly]

Oct 17, 2024 11:04:07 GMT -5 mcppalmbeach said:

Oct 17, 2024 10:49:42 GMT -5 waverly said:

When they left for vacation both kids were well, the first shift grandma was stopping by, but they did not want to stay with her.  My mom was supposed to be the second shift (later in the week), and when she found out there was Covid she refused to stop by.  Whether the other grandma came by masked for a few minutes, on those days, or just peaced out I am not sure.  It just sounded like a bad situation overall. 

ETA- the power outage was also a long one 3 days maybe.  So they basically had an adult sort of looking after them for about 3-4 days and not much supervision for the other 3-4 days. 

Yikes that is an unfortunate series of events here. I’m trying not to judge your mom here because I get the Covid hesitancy, but she like wouldn’t go over and stand at the door to deliver a meal or anything when they had no power?

Timeline wise, I believe the power outage was the beginning of the week Mon-Thurday maybe and she was supposed to go down Thursday ish to Sunday or Monday.  I did judge my mom, but I judged my sister more because I think I would have cut my trip short, and she just carried on like there wasn't multiple issues at home. 

[scm1011]

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

I feel like I am breezier than 90% of this board when it comes to parenting, but I would not be okay with the OPs scenario. This might be colored from my own teenage experience, but I was left home alone for stretches like this often as a teen and I threw wild parties every.single.time. High school kids get wind their friends house is empty for 9 days? Oooh boy, shit is going down. I would not want to deal with that liability as a parent. 

[waverly]

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

I am absolutely terrified by the prospect of my kid driving.  I've been working on my anxiety, but likely DH will have to take them to places with more traffic.  I would likely be fine in the parking lot, but I am not sure about the rest of it yet.  

[wanderingback]

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

I think most people worry about their kids driving, so not getting the comparison. But for most people it’s a life skill that is necessary so guide them while learning.

Outside of worrying that something would happen while in another country for 9 days (the 17 year old is still a minor), have you not seen the recent posts about sneaky shit that kids do?! I would not want to come back to a trashed or damaged house! To me, it’s not even the same as being away at college.

There are plenty of alternatives to making sure your kids have some supervision during a 9 day trip when they’ve never lived alone and it’s your house.

[wanderingback]

Oct 17, 2024 11:55:57 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

I feel like I am breezier than 90% of this board when it comes to parenting, but I would not be okay with the OPs scenario. This might be colored from my own teenage experience, but I was left home alone for stretches like this often as a teen and I threw wild parties every.single.time. High school kids get wind their friends house is empty for 9 days? Oooh boy, shit is going down. I would not want to deal with that liability as a parent. 

Haha jinx. I just said the exact same thing. Breezy parent over here too. No thanks to worrying about my house being a mess when I return.

[melmel4854]

My parents would have left me for a weekend, but not that long. My BF in high school is a year younger than me. His parents used to leave him for vacations frequently, starting at age 16. He did not have a license yet, but was responsible and could get himself to school via bus.

He spent a lot of time at my house, my mom would take us out for dinner or whatever and then drop him back off at home. He always slept at his house. He had neighbors who could be there in a flash and of course, my family. His parents always left him an emergency stack of cash as well. He does have an older brother, but his brother was not responsible at all and was rarely home.  He couldn't be counted on. 

I think it is kid and parent dependent! I was a responsible teen and probably would have been fine, but my dad didn't want to leave me. 

[melmel4854]

Oct 17, 2024 11:55:57 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

I feel like I am breezier than 90% of this board when it comes to parenting, but I would not be okay with the OPs scenario. This might be colored from my own teenage experience, but I was left home alone for stretches like this often as a teen and I threw wild parties every.single.time. High school kids get wind their friends house is empty for 9 days? Oooh boy, shit is going down. I would not want to deal with that liability as a parent. 

As a band geek, this never happened in my crowd. Lol. The rest of the kids I went to high school, probably. I was a nerd and not into that... I wonder now what I missed out on! I bet I missed out on a lot of fun.

[maudefindlay]

Didn't you have to drive several hours recently to pick up your DD from a vacation with her friend's family because she was struggling and needed you? I really feel like this sounds like a bad time for this trip. Can you get a full refund? I think an international trip like this is in your future sooner than later, but I think both your kids need an adult and you are the best one for them.

[fn2187]

If you leave them, will you enjoy the trip?.. or will you be anxious and worrying most the time? That’s a big factor too.

[InBetweenDays]

We left our kids (17 and 14/15 at the times) home alone last year for a few weekends (one trip was 5 days and we were in Mexico). We live in an urban area and we have numerous close family friends within 1/2 mile of our house (plus my sister and parents aren't too far away). They did great. 9 days and that far away would make me a little nervous, but it wouldn't ben an immediate no given their ages (and depending on if you have friends nearby who could check in).

I can say with 99% certainty that our kids would not have a party while we're gone. They may go out to parties and take advantage of us not being there to enforce a curfew, but they wouldn't throw a party. We have a Ring camera and have neighbors we know well who can keep an eye on things. And we have an acquaintance who had a Halloween get together a few years ago (her mom was just out at another party), the address got leaked online, and she had 100 people show up at her house and trash the place within a matter of hours. She couldn't even get to the door when the cops came to ask them to come inside and help (and they wouldn't go inside without the homeowner asking them too - even though everyone was underage). I honestly don't think they would risk it (and they haven't  the times we've left them).

[sonrisa]

Oct 17, 2024 11:14:23 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I always find these threads so interesting. The literal most dangerous thing your kid can do is drive yet everyone gets excited and is fine when their kid gets their license at 16, yet worries about them being home alone even when they are older. The way people think about what to fear/what not to fear is always kind of fascinating.

I've told my kids cars are the most dangerous thing in their lives since they were born. Parking lots, especially. My eldest is 13 and I'm clear that learning to drive will be a long process. My rule is  a minimum 100 hours with me before a license. During those hours they will need to master the complicated roads around us. (from highway 1 drop off cliff twists to San Fransisco driving and parking). 

However, I still think 9 days alone is too long - in part because kids take riskier chances when unsupervised, including with cars. A trip with friends to the beach may sound innocent enough to my kid, but music, friends and a momentary slip beside drop off cliffs could turn deadly. A visit to a party can turn into a ride back with a drunk friend. 

[lavenderblue]

maudefindlay, yes, but her issue was that she was out of her comfort zone which is home. She will be going to Community College for her first two years and living at home because her daily routine is very regimented, it's part of her recovery process. This is something that we are actively working on but not something that can be fixed overnight unfortunately.

[sonrisa]

Oct 17, 2024 12:20:36 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

maudefindlay  her daily routine is very regimented, it's part of her recovery process. 

Are you part of that regimented daily routine? If home is her safe place, that is to your credit. I'm guessing you are also part of her safe place.

[nicolewi]

I just wouldn't be comfortable enough with that for nine days.

Is there a relative who could fly in to stay with them, even if that person doesn't live nearby? Or even anyone you know locally who might be willing to stay with them?

[ECB]

Oct 17, 2024 10:30:47 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

I would not leave them alone for that long without anyone nearby to check in. Doesn't have to be family, but there has to be SOMEONE who your kids can turn to if they need help. (And I'd want that person to check in on the kids every 1-2 days).

Alternatively, next May is a ways away - perhaps you can take shorter trips between now and then and work up to it? If they've never been alone before beyond an overnight, it's a big jump from that to 9 days.

I agree with all of this!  ANY close friend - if you can have someone just check on them, text them, whatever - that would help me feel better.  

And I wouldn't make this the FIRST time I was away.  I'd want at least a weekend under my belt to make sure everyone is comfortable. 

[sdlaura]

My older two kids are 17 months apart and currently ages 10 and 12. I think when they are 17 and 18, I would be comfortable doing that, assuming there were lots of neighbors and friends nearby. I would also be super organized about it - in terms of organizing meals, activities schedules, and for the neighbors and friends to stop by physically and check in on them at least once per day (like would have a schedule so not too much on any one person).

[1confused1]

I left my 16 and 14 year olds for a little less than a week when I had to travel for work. But my sister lives about a mile from me and we have a huge number of friends they could call if something went wrong.

I think if you could line up a group the kids could reach out to if something happened then yes, I would still go on the trip.

[erbear]

I would leave my 17 and 18 year olds at home overnight but probably not for 9 days, especially with me out of the country. I'd try to have them with a friend.

[lust2hart]

Oct 17, 2024 11:12:01 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

To answer some questions:

My daughter does have a hx of an ED but she has been in recovery for a long time and her health is even better now that her Dad is out of her life, I do of course still worry about her though.

Both of my kids help cook and clean now and also do their own laundry. My daughter also grocery shops often. That said, I would of course make sure that their laundry was done and the house was clean before I left and also fully stocked on groceries as well as some prepared meals if they wanted.

This trip is with my parents and my siblings, and no one is bringing their kids. My one brothers kids are in college and my other brother his kids will be staying with his exW. There are no other adults in my family. I do have neighbors that I know and trust and could certainly ask them to check in, but I don't have anyone who could come stay with them. I was for a time considering inviting my exMIL but my kids have since had a falling out with her because she fully supports their Dad. My oldest son is only about 45 minutes away, but he has a very erratic work schedule so isn't super reliable.

With this update, I feel a lot better about you going on the trip. I interpreted your OP as that you didn't have anyone you could reliably count on to check in on the kids and, basically, be an emergency contact for them. If you feel okay asking your neighbors to help you out with this, that changes things for me. I don't think you need to have someone STAY with the kids, but they do need someone who they can count on to be there for them if needed.

That said, I think later posts brought up good questions - re: your role in your daughter's recovery, your own anxiety while you're gone - to consider in the big picture.

[karinothing]

I think age wise they are probably fine. I mean I had my own apartment at 18. I would expect them to throw a party though. I mean even if you have the best kids. I would still except some shenanigans, so I would discuss some safety around that (rules about drinking and using protection).

I would 100% get a local contact that can check in on them. I would probably also send them food meals occasional because that would just make me feel better lol. As far as getting your kid up. I know the time change likely sucks but I would probably make my son confirm with me that he got up every day. Like I think my own anxieties would want to know they left and got home from school each day.

[soccermama]

Oct 17, 2024 11:13:18 GMT -5 abs said:

A day or two? Sure. 9 days? When they are still in high school? No I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

This is where I am.  I think my kids have good heads on their shoulders, are responsible, etc....but no way that I would feel comfortable leaving them for a week and being out of the country.