How old to leave teens at home?

[laurental]

I would echo many of the others that 9 days AND out of the country would just be a little too much for me to feel comfortable leaving my kids.

Another thing I would think about is if your kids are active in extracurriculars I feel like every May is absolutely bonkers for us. Prom, end of year concerts, events, graduations, grad parties, final exams, etc. If they were navigating that alone it could be quite difficult to manage.

[wildrice]

Oct 17, 2024 12:05:51 GMT -5 melmel4854 said:

Oct 17, 2024 11:55:57 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

I feel like I am breezier than 90% of this board when it comes to parenting, but I would not be okay with the OPs scenario. This might be colored from my own teenage experience, but I was left home alone for stretches like this often as a teen and I threw wild parties every.single.time. High school kids get wind their friends house is empty for 9 days? Oooh boy, shit is going down. I would not want to deal with that liability as a parent. 

As a band geek, this never happened in my crowd. Lol. The rest of the kids I went to high school, probably. I was a nerd and not into that... I wonder now what I missed out on! I bet I missed out on a lot of fun.

This is where I'm at. My parents never left us alone like this, largely because they didn't really travel when we were growing up. But none of us would have ever even thought to throw a wild party. Maybe have a few friends over, yes, but our friends were pretty tame too. 

So I think this is really kid dependent. Yes, parents don't always know everything about their kids, but I would think you'd be able to tell whether your kid is the type to do that or not. I do think 17/18 is basically adults and many/most of us went off to college at that age and had to be independent for much longer than 9 days.

I do think having someone set up to be an emergency contact is pretty important, though. Even a trusted friend or extended family member who will likely completely stay away unless there is an emergency.

[penguingrrl]

I personally would not leave teens home alone for that long. Even beyond the what ifs regarding car accidents, house fires, etc that is unlikely to happen, I don’t trust any teens not to have a party. I’m 99% certain my oldest would never have a party, but I wouldn’t trust the risk of word getting out that we aren’t home and a party happening anyway. Beyond not wanting to deal with the mess, etc, there are liability risks with underage drinking that I don’t want in my house.

It’s also not comparable to being away at college, IMO. Colleges foster a community approach and have a lot of supports in place that aren’t available when you’re at your parents house (even as simple as folks on your floor noticing if you didn’t make it home last night).

[sugarbear1]

I think I might be comfortable with domestic travel but not overseas.

[bugandbibs]

I would be okay with it, if they were okay with it. Technology makes it so much easier to be connected nowadays that knowing I could physically see them everyday and they could reach me quickly with questions or problems would be enough for me. I would ask around and find 2-3 trusted adults (friend's parents, boyfriend's parents, neighbors, your best friend, etc) who would be willing to help in person in an emergency.

My own kids wouldn't throw parties. Worst case scenario is that the house is a mess and they stay up watching netflix/youtube all night because they can. I am often gone for 3-4 days at a time and my 13 year old runs the place in my absence. We have a set grocery list to buy of meals she likes to make and she knows which order of neighbors to go to for help if her dad is at work (he works a swing/overnight shift).

[lavenderblue]

Oct 17, 2024 12:23:17 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Oct 17, 2024 12:20:36 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

maudefindlay  her daily routine is very regimented, it's part of her recovery process. 

Are you part of that regimented daily routine? If home is her safe place, that is to your credit. I'm guessing you are also part of her safe place.

Yes and no. We do go for a walk together every day. She prepares her own lunch and breakfast everyday, but I do prepare dinner for the family. We do some other minor daily tasks together, but that is more for company than anything else. I'm mostly her person to talk to, because she doesn't have any close friends, it's really just me and her boyfriend and my son. 

[tiki]

Do they have friends they could stay with for at least part of the time? I think I'd be OK with part of it being home alone plus part being crashing with another family. Reduce the stretch of time when something could get out of hand without an adult being aware.

Also, for the party risk, what about cameras as a deterrent? Like tell your kids you have nanny cams hidden absolutely everywhere that could possibly host a large gathering?

[mofongo]

I don’t have kids, but me at that age would have been a hard no. We also didn’t have smart phones and all of today’s modern technology, that might have helped a bit.

[SusanBAnthony]

Hard no for me.

Could become a yes if you can identify an adult to spend some time with them, check in, and be a reliable person to deal with emergencies.

Yes I moved to the dorms at 18 but they provided all my meals and some supervision if you will (RA).

[followyourarrow]

I don't have kids and I'm a nervous wreck leaving my 4 dogs with soon to be stepdaughter for 10 days when we get married. So grain of salt and all that. A weekend would be totally fine, but 9 days is too long.

Related story: When I was 17, a senior in HS, my mom went with my dad on a work trip, leaving my sister and I home alone. The work trip kept getting extended and we ended up being alone for like 10 days. My sister broke her arm in the middle of the trip, thankfully we had a family friend who was a dr, but I took care of all of that. I was in the middle of finals, had a job, and had a sports activity. I'm still absolutely PISSED that they did that to us/me. My parents were far from parent's of the year, but this is one thing I look back on and resent them for. It was too much at 17 and I didn't do well on finals because of it.

[shinyhappy]

Oct 17, 2024 15:45:21 GMT -5 followyourarrow said:

I don't have kids and I'm a nervous wreck leaving my 4 dogs with soon to be stepdaughter for 10 days when we get married. So grain of salt and all that. A weekend would be totally fine, but 9 days is too long.

Related story: When I was 17, a senior in HS, my mom went with my dad on a work trip, leaving my sister and I home alone. The work trip kept getting extended and we ended up being alone for like 10 days. My sister broke her arm in the middle of the trip, thankfully we had a family friend who was a dr, but I took care of all of that. I was in the middle of finals, had a job, and had a sports activity. I'm still absolutely PISSED that they did that to us/me. My parents were far from parent's of the year, but this is one thing I look back on and resent them for. It was too much at 17 and I didn't do well on finals because of it.

Your story is the premise of “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead!”

[momin2013]

Oct 17, 2024 11:29:12 GMT -5 cjcouple said:

I would not ne comfortable with that for a few reasons.

-The amount of time
-No one nearby in an emergency
-Trip is out of the country

I would not be comfortable with it for these 3 reasons exactly.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Oct 17, 2024 15:11:33 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

Hard no for me.

Could become a yes if you can identify an adult to spend some time with them, check in, and be a reliable person to deal with emergencies.

Yes I moved to the dorms at 18 but they provided all my meals and some supervision if you will (RA).

I also feel like kids are different in a space that isn't 'home' than they would be at home.  
Like, I would totally let a responsible 17/18 year old take a job house/pet sitting in someone else's home, or babysit for a known family overnight, but staying home alone in their own home feels different and I feel like temptation to do things they should would be much higher.  

But for the OP, it sounds like her oldest is most comfortable at home in a way that makes staying elsewhere less than ideal.  I still think siblings staying home together isn't the best idea, but that is colored by the way my 2 interact.  

[wanderingback]

Even "band nerds" don’t have fully formed frontal lobes.

[penguingrrl]

Oct 17, 2024 12:05:51 GMT -5 melmel4854 said:

Oct 17, 2024 11:55:57 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

I feel like I am breezier than 90% of this board when it comes to parenting, but I would not be okay with the OPs scenario. This might be colored from my own teenage experience, but I was left home alone for stretches like this often as a teen and I threw wild parties every.single.time. High school kids get wind their friends house is empty for 9 days? Oooh boy, shit is going down. I would not want to deal with that liability as a parent. 

As a band geek, this never happened in my crowd. Lol. The rest of the kids I went to high school, probably. I was a nerd and not into that... I wonder now what I missed out on! I bet I missed out on a lot of fun.

I was a band geek, it didn’t happen in my crowd either that I was aware of, although as an adult I’ve heard stories that suggest I was more oblivious to what even my friends were doing than I thought. My kid is also a band geek who seemingly doesn’t party (and we do things like smell their breath when they come in, check eyes for signs of weed, etc just in case). I still absolutely wouldn’t say they never would and wouldn’t leave them alone overnight in HS on the assumption that they’re “a good kid.” Even great kids who have their heads on straight make mistakes and the kinds of mistakes that could be made with access to an empty house could follow them for a long time.

[bittybomb]

I think I would do a few days with the family but not the whole trip. Either go a few days after them or leave a few days early. I think I’d be ok with 5 days under the circumstances, provided my close neighbors were all on board with keeping an eye out and my eldest who lived 45 minutes away was on standby in the event of an emergency. I’d also get cameras everywhere. Just kidding. Sort of. lol

[lolalolalola]

My kid was 17 living in another province going to
University. So I don’t think it’s too young. The concern I have would be that there’s no one around to help if something happened.

[stmonica2]

I was a " good kid"


I wouldn't have trusted me for crap

[macmars45]

My parents left my twin sister, another sister and me home alone for a week every year (to go to Hawaii) starting when we were 14 and 15. We literally lived in between our maternal grandma and a maternal aunt & uncle. And had lots of local family. It went fine every time except when twin sis & I were 15 and older sister was 16. She did get in a minor car accident.

Once I was 18 and graduated high school my parents left just me home all the time. Most times the damn smoke alarm went off in the middle of the night. It was a running joke by the time I left for college at 20 (I go my AA at the local comm college).

ETA: fwiw, we never had a party at our house. The whole living between family members probably stopped my sisters. It would never occur to me to throw a party because I didn't & still don't drink alcohol.

[scout8]

Oct 17, 2024 19:40:01 GMT -5 stmonica2 said:

I was a " good kid"


I wouldn't have trusted me for crap

This. I was also a "good kid" and had a party whenever my parents left me alone. Peer pressure at that age is hard to resist.

[livinitup]

I don’t know your kids but those ages are old enough for 9 days in their own home and neighborhood without parents. How are they together? Independent and cooperative? Anxious and combative? I suppose you have to know who you are dealing with and base it on their track record. Would they be in school as usual? My teen drives and has a pretty busy and Independent schedule, so I’d consider it.

Did you ask? How do they feel about it?

I think you should at least talk about it and see if they can stay with friends for part of it or let them convince you they want to be on their own & in their own home. Maybe they don’t? You’ll really get a better sense if they are ready or not from them. FaceTime and Ring doorbells exist. I would expect to talk to them every day, even from Italy.

[basilosaurus]

My parents were pretty strict about this. Even when I was 18 and already accepted early to a top 20, they had a 10p curfew which included church things. I would have taken advantage of their absence to read way too late in the night, that's how rebel and introverted I am. My sister, a people pleaser, might have been tempted to have friends over, but none were partiers.

Still, when there was a similar adults only family trip, and I was 18, they sent us to watch our younger cousins on a tiny island where everyone had eyes and ears for same length of time. Cousins could easily have had family to watch, but it was sort of a 2 birds one stone situation. They were watched by us, and we were watched by the entire island(s) (I'm pretty sure there were spies on the neighbor islands, too). I missed AP trimester exams for this which I'm sure will cause a lot of pearl clutching about parents who take kids out of school for holiday, but it was thanksgiving week, so not many missed days and makeup exams were pre-scheduled. Gramma sent us with a turkey-in-a-bag and thus my first thanksgiving hosting.

They were that strict about us being alone. First time was after graduation for a single night. I honestly don't remember what else we cooked that week beyond thanksgving as that was not a task my sister or I had at home. Probably there were prepared freezer or drop off meals.

Only you know your kids' temperament. Safety wise, they're likely ok especially if there are neighbor emergency contacts. But, you mentioned how you're a huge part of your daughter's world now. That's what would give me the biggest pause. You say there are multiple routines you do together. What will fill that absence?

One thing others have mentioned is are you sure the younger will listen to the older? I was 7 and 11 years older than cousins, and it was still a struggle to not get them to zombie out in front of tv in the morning. I swear one would literally drool into his cereal. Despite us having been babysitting them since birth for the youngest and a very young age for the other, they didn't really respect us and the rules we were meant to enforce.

[meowmaps]

I wouldn’t. I’m an anxious person so I wouldn’t like knowing I was so far away and unable to step in if needed and certainly wouldn’t like knowing there wasn’t a backup adult or family member close by. Also, my oldest has had a mischievous glint in her eye since birth. I’d probably trust my youngest alone at home but not my oldest! She’s a wild child.

My dad had a six week work trip to Paris my senior year of high school and my mom joined him for one of those weeks. At the time my older brother was four hours away at college so my grandmother flew up and stayed with me. I definitely could’ve been trusted but I think it was more about wanting another adult around to help me in case I needed anything. We also had a senior cat and dog at the time. I assume but don’t remember that she probably took our dog out while I was at school. Oddly enough, my grandmother caused a plumbing issue that our neighbor had to help her with!

[karinothing]

Oct 17, 2024 16:40:44 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Even "band nerds" don’t have fully formed frontal lobes.

I was a band nerd. I still threw a party when my parents went out of town from a weekend  

I mean it wasn't WILD as in it was like 10 people, but we still drank and I still had a boy in my bedroom. 

[sent]

My parents & brother went out of town for a week for spring break when I was in 9th grade. I couldn't go because my school had cancelled spring break due to an excessive amount of snow days that winter. I used to come home on the bus to my house so I could pick up any stuff I needed for school assignments and get clothes etc. My mom's friend would swing by around 4 pm to get me so she could feed me dinner and stay at their house overnight. I also used to take the bus to school in the mornings from their house since back in the day no one cared about stuff like that. I felt like the tiny bit of independence I had that week when I got to come home to an empty house was so amazing (my mom was a SAHM so she was always home). I took extra care to make sure I had locked the door when the friend came to get me every afternoon.

Is an arrangement like this possible? It does require leaning heavily on "the village" but I would probably swallow my pride and ask a bunch of the parents of the kids' friends to do something like this for my kids in your situation. And I would do it for them too because I firmly believe in the "life is short" philosophy and would support a village friend taking a trip like you described.

[eddy]

I would need someone regularly checking in on them at minimum. Not necessarily always staying the night, but someone they would have to be accountable to each day. And could help them problem solve when something unplanned comes up.

I actually just had a friend post the behind the scenes view of how they were able to pull off a 10 day trip to Italy. They have a couple kids in the tween stage so the kids and a teen so weren't left at home alone. But it was very enlightening to how much help they needed from their village AND how many things went wrong during that time period. Illness, a broken down car for the teen etc. 

[InBetweenDays]

Oct 17, 2024 16:40:44 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Even "band nerds" don’t have fully formed frontal lobes.

Yeah, we know a few band nerds who (at least used to - in 8th and 9th grade) smoke pot almost every morning before school.

[sdlaura]

I was a nerdy kid and there’s no way I would have thrown a party. Just would have had my boyfriend stay over though

[polarbearfans]

I would get left all the time as a teenager. I am a rule follower so I followed the rules of no going out, and no friends over. We were close to many neighbors, so I knew I had eyes on me, and I could get help if needed. I always got a ride to and from school with friends anyway. At 17 and 18 they should be able to survive. I would just have someone checking in, and make sure they know someone is checking daily.