Husband issues / help me diagnose?

[livinitup]

If I am following correctly, you had an all-day neuro eval and the report says “consistent with mild autism” but you didn’t realize that until you just dug it up? Do you disagree with the findings on the report?

This is a quick c&p and it seems to aptly describe much of your OP:

Level 1 autism describes people who need the least support for the activities of daily life. This is what some call mild autism.3

In general, people with ASD have challenges with social communication, usually resist changes in their routine.

Autistic people with low support needs may have advanced academic abilities, but struggle with social skills, sensory challenges, or organization. Children and adults can exhibit different signs.

Support needed for a person with level 1 autism might include:

- Building self-control
- Controlling emotions
- Being flexible
- Developing back-and-forth communication skills
- Understanding non-verbal communication
- Reducing anxiety
The amount of support autistic people with mild traits need depends on many factors and varies from person to person, even though they have the same level-1 diagnosis.

[anon98765]

bee20 - we use plenty of digital supports, but he ignores them. Multiple reminders that go off and he thinks "I'll do it later" and forgets. He does not put crutches in place to ensure he does not forget (because he has not accepted that he WILL forget). The only thing that works is ME remembering everything and reminding and re-reminding, which means I have to carry all the mental load. I cannot outsource and forget (which is also not good enough because he should be able to know/notice and do).

[momof2]

Oct 21, 2024 12:44:50 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

momof2 OP asked not to be quoted.

Whoops! Sorry.

[wanderingback]

anon98765 yeah this sounds like who he is, especially if it’s been going on awhile. Not a stroke or Alzheimer’s. Presumably if he could finish a PhD he was able to manage setting up some system of reminders. I mean I think we are all guilty of not doing or forgetting stuff to some extent that we don’t want to do/don’t prioritize. This seems extremely frustrating for you, understandably, and I think you need to figure out if you want to continue to live like this because it does not seem like a medical problem that has a medication fix.

[deadwing]

What are you getting out of this relationship?

You do not owe us an answer to this question, but it's something you should at least be able to answer to yourself. The picture you are painting here is quite bleak.

[aprilsails]

My STBXH self diagnosed in the past two years as AuDHD. It's been enlightening, but also infuriating, because he's been using it as a blanket excuse for a variety of newfound poor behaviours. He's also not seeked therapy but has basically been existing in a state of meltdown the entire time unless everything is perfect (he is very rigid and controlling, the exact opposite of your DH's presentation).

Our relationship was in tatters in the Spring and I was setting out a timeline of hanging in there for three more years to protect my kids from the worst of it and to get them to an age where I felt they would be ok on their own with him.

For other reasons related to him deciding to self medicate rather than seeking out therapy, we are now separated and I have 100% custody of the kids right now with no custody agreement in sight. I have no idea how I'm going to reintegrate them into his life safely.

I'm not telling you this as a cautionary tale but to say you're not alone. I moved out and have set up my own home with my own kids and done it all and I feel so much better. I'm not carrying his load as well anymore, and we're not walking on eggshells. Obviously, I was coming off an absolute crisis, but I think you having to stay hyper vigilant and responsible for all things would eventually be so difficult.

Which is all to say this sucks and I'm sorry you're in it. You're not alone. Big hugs and I hope you can find some workable solutions.

[tacokick]

The fact that it does seem to be getting worse makes me think there could be some issue with medication conflicts/dosage or Long Covid relatived cognitive decline that is making his AuADHD issues worse. If you are already not doing well and using all of your energy to live with that, having something else go wrong can really spin things out of control.

I think what would be rough for me as a partner is that some of it seems to be tied into simply not caring about other people and literally not giving any thought to anything but his own often impulsive needs. He doesn’t mind being cold or wet so why fish his child out of the snow skiing? It’s quicker/easier to park wherever however so he does that. He doesn’t care if the floor gets wet so why close the curtain?

He does seem to be able to hold it together to remain employed (good) and get that PhD so it does seem like he can get it together when it is something he is actually interested in or wants to do. What he seems to be dropping the ball on is “boring” stuff like child care and household maintenance which unfortunately does have to get done.

I do think it’s a good sign that he has at least gone to see doctors even if they might not have the whole picture. Many men seem to refuse to do even that so I feel like there is a tiny glimmer that something could improve especially if it is something like medication. But he’d really have to put the work in.

[anon98765]

tacokick - it is so confusing because these are not really decisions. He does not decide "oh the floor will get wet and I don't care." It does not occur to him that it will happen and he does not notice it!

He also does not decide "I will block cars if I park here", it just does not come up in his mind. That's why I'm wondering if something else is going on that all these life experiences don't just come up. Or like "I need to open the fridge door first". He only gets it once he is unable to open the fridge door. That is the "inability to anticipate" I mentioned in the first post. These are not decisions at all.

[anon98765]

aprilsails - thank you for sharing. hugs.

[livinitup]

You need help now. It doesn’t matter if he is deciding to do or not do these things.

You are in crisis and need help now. I hope you give yourself some help. This can be paid like a house keeper and child care or free friends and family if you accept it. Can you re-work your budget? Can grandparents do overnights on the weekend?

It’s too much.

[bee20]

anon98765, completely blowing off reminders doesn't sound like most of my straight autistic contacts, but it is right on track for ADHD-types, which can be present with Autism (AuDHD is a common term).

Most of my autistic friends and colleagues quite enjoy their lists and get most things on them done. The good news is there are many medication options for ADHD, and friends who have tried them have reported an increase in their ability to follow lists and feel less overwhelmed by life.

I think it's worth further investigation with a psychiatrist on his medications and mental health. He will still need to do a bunch of work building new systems and behaviors, but medications can help.

[dexteroni]

Oct 21, 2024 13:48:46 GMT -5 tacokick said:

it does seem like he can get it together when it is something he is actually interested in or wants to do. What he seems to be dropping the ball on is “boring” stuff

Which is like textbook ADHD. OP mentioned that he’s tried ADHD meds before and they didn’t help. Maybe different meds work on different people and he should try another one. anon98765 are you certain he was taking them regularly? And that he takes his current meds regularly?

[tacokick]

anon98765
I think it’s possible it’s a combo of an executive functioning issue for some of these things (the pot/refrigerator) and a lack of caring about things beyond what interests him/his immediate needs.

It feels to me like the consequences of some of these incidences doesn’t occur to him because these events turn out basically fine and he gets whatever he wanted done. Bath time is over, kids are clean, no one slipped, time for the next thing.

He blocked traffic and picked up the person/got something out of the trunk and he wasn’t the one stuck behind a stopped car and his car wasn’t towed. So why would that stick? He got what he wanted and it ultimately turned out ok.

If it was me, I’d focus on doing some more check ups with him and impressing on the medical staff that he has had these issues before but they seem to be more frequent/worse in however long it’s been going on. Maybe there is something else going on that is overwhelming him to the point to where he can’t pull it together the same way he once could (even if that needed improvement).

ETA: and if that doesn’t work or he isn’t willing to work on anything, I guess the next step is to see what you are willing to live with.

[anon98765]

dexteroni - yes, he takes the meds regularly. He's tried several ADHD medications and nothing has truly worked. Nothing at all has worked. I think the #1 problem here is his lack of desire to change, which stems from his inability to accept the reality that he really is like this. Anything that he has done / is doing has come from me ensuring it happens (therapists, drs appointments, meds). He has done nothing of his own to help himself.

(But if you ask him, of course he wants to change. But in this gut, he can't accept these problems and that guides him more than his brain does.)

[keyslover]

anon98765

I initially quoted, sorry. But you has the reminders made me think of this:


This sounds like the relationship of my inlaws. FIL highly educated and high level employment. MIL is dependent on him for income and he is dependent on her for everything else.

He now has dementia and other health issues, but we are starting to see how dependent he has been on her for, what we consider, basic everyday living.

[dexteroni]

anon98765 So it sounds like truly is coming from a lack of desire on his part to work on the problem, and nothing will change as long as he has that mindset. I am sorry.

[mommyatty]

If he has autism, something important to know is that meds for anxiety and depression affect them much more strongly than they do neurotypical brains. Autistic folks generally need much, much lower doses than neurotypical folks.

[hermione]

Something changed at some point. He could not have completed a Ph.D with the - Traits? Symptoms? wQhatever word we are choosing - that you are describing. So what changed? Meds? Something else?

[mofongo]

I’m so sorry, you don’t have to stay our out obligation. It doesn’t sound like you feel fulfilled, at all, by this relationship. While he may be extremely intelligent, his emotional intelligence sounds quite low. As far as accurate diagnosis, if he has always been this way, does it really matter at this point?

[mcsangel2]

Oct 21, 2024 14:57:52 GMT -5 hermione said:

Something changed at some point. He could not have completed a Ph.D with the - Traits? Symptoms? wQhatever word we are choosing - that you are describing. So what changed? Meds? Something else?

It sounds like the problems were exacerbated by having kids; and as they grow their care and needs have become more complex. OP used to manage everything when it was just her and her H, and the kids when they were very small. And now she can't do it all herself and is realizing he isn't able to step up now that she needs him to.

[Tacocat]

I’m sorry, that sounds really difficult. Do you have a therapist for yourself? I would suggest that so you have someone to talk to about your own needs. That seems like a lot for one person to manage basically alone, supporting the entire family, and making sure everyone is safe since he won’t. I’m guessing he has a lot of masking going on from what you’ve described.

My sister was diagnosed with Autism at 55, and we had lost our mom the same year. I was already speaking to a therapist, but I found it really helpful to talk about what was going on with my sister and how I could support her/understand what was going on with her. We live in opposite parts of the country and after she left to go home once the funeral and details were taken care of, she basically dropped off the planet and I didn’t hear from her for months. Meanwhile, she was going thru neuropsych testing and diagnosed with Autism, among other things. My therapist suggested I read Unmasking Autism, which is written from a first person perspective, as well as including lots of other stories from people with Autism. It really helped me understand what my sister was experiencing. I realized she needed space and I needed to meet her where she was at. Although our relationship is much different than a husband/wife, I think reading that book and speaking to a therapist yourself could really help you decide how you want to handle this going forward. It truly is a lot for one person to manage with little to no help. Hugs.

[dexteroni]

Oct 21, 2024 15:02:55 GMT -5 mcsangel2 said:

It sounds like the problems were exacerbated by having kids; and as they grow their care and needs have become more complex. OP used to manage everything when it was just her and her H, and the kids when they were very small. And now she can't do it all herself and is realizing he isn't able to step up now that she needs him to.

I agree, and I think that’s fairly common when one member of a couple has a serious issue, whether it’s drinking, mental illness, or even just refusing to do their share. Sometimes it’s manageable for the other partner to work around them at first, but once kids come along, it’s no longer possible or desirable to do 100% to their 0%. And then when their own issues make the partner’s share more like 120%, it’s like oh fuck this.

[wanderingback]

Oct 21, 2024 15:07:43 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Oct 21, 2024 15:02:55 GMT -5 mcsangel2 said:

It sounds like the problems were exacerbated by having kids; and as they grow their care and needs have become more complex. OP used to manage everything when it was just her and her H, and the kids when they were very small. And now she can't do it all herself and is realizing he isn't able to step up now that she needs him to.

I agree, and I think that’s fairly common when one member of a couple has a serious issue, whether it’s drinking, mental illness, or even just refusing to do their share. Sometimes it’s manageable for the other partner to work around them at first, but once kids come along, it’s no longer possible or desirable to do 100% to their 0%. And then when their own issues make the partner’s share more like 120%, it’s like oh fuck this.

Also, we all grow and mature and relationships can only get along on "love" for so long. It’s not a coincidence that there are many women on this board separating/getting divorced at this stage of our lives.

[leahcar]

One of my daughters is on the autism spectrum and also has ADHD. She started having significant mental health challenges as an older tween/young teen and some of this rings true of that time period with her. It was so, so concerning what she could shut off when she was having a burnout/depressive episode.

FWIW, my DD would also be considered "mild" on the spectrum. She is incredibly intelligent and masks a LOT in public. Most people that aren't familiar with autism do not recognize that she has it. That has its own set of issues.

We're also dealing with new challenges now that she's old enough to drive, etc. She doesn't have routines to address those things (yet) so it's a work in progress. It's also not an excuse though. Independent functioning - which, currently, requires lots of support- is our goal, but we are her parents, not her partner. You are not wrong for feeling however you may feel. You deserve a partner and it doesn't sound like you currently have that support. I hope you find solutions that work for everyone.

[Deleted]

[mention]anon98765 [/mention] other than wondering about a diagnosis, is there something specific you’re looking for with this post? Are you trying to find suggestions to make life easier for him and/or you? Are you looking for relationship advice? Are you just venting?

It seems likely that his autism diagnosis is the key here. It also seems like potentially he’s been so used to having everyone do everything for him for so long that he maybe he never needed to actually learn about how to do a lot of these things. And if it didn’t interest him, then there was really no incentive to invest the time to figure a lot of this stuff out.

Having said that, if he truly doesn’t have a desire to address these issues, he’s not going to change. He isn’t even willing to take other people’s word for it that there’s even an issue that needs to be addressed.

I think counseling is probably the first order of business here. But really at this point, he’s unlikely to change — he either can’t or won’t. So you can decide that either you’re going to keep on keeping on, or you’re not. If you do stick with it, you can outsource as much help as you can afford, and seek support systems to help you deal. Maybe framing it as “he has a medical issue that can’t be treated” will be a helpful way to frame things. Having said that, if you decide you can’t stay in the marriage, I don’t think any of us would fault you. Maybe you honestly believe he CAN change and is choosing not to.

I wish I had more helpful things to say. It sounds like a really complicated and difficult situation, and I hope you find support in figuring out a way forward.

[rubytue]

A PP (I forgot who) mentioned AuDHD. These two combine to be a completely different beast than just autism or just ADhD. Also, I realize you said that it doesn’t sound like autism when other people talk about autistic kids, but the thing with autism is it’s all different. No two autistic people have the same deficiencies. It’s also possible that decades of functioning/masking have led to a burnout regression.

Side note: The person that talked about the musical genius that gets evicted. When people are all “autism is new!” That’s the perfect example of how it’s always been around, just undiagnosed quirky people. Einstein. Hell, many of our famous scientists from that era. Not that it’s been said in this thread, it’s just something that came to mind.

[sent]

Oct 21, 2024 15:07:43 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Oct 21, 2024 15:02:55 GMT -5 mcsangel2 said:

It sounds like the problems were exacerbated by having kids; and as they grow their care and needs have become more complex. OP used to manage everything when it was just her and her H, and the kids when they were very small. And now she can't do it all herself and is realizing he isn't able to step up now that she needs him to.

I agree, and I think that’s fairly common when one member of a couple has a serious issue, whether it’s drinking, mental illness, or even just refusing to do their share. Sometimes it’s manageable for the other partner to work around them at first, but once kids come along, it’s no longer possible or desirable to do 100% to their 0%. And then when their own issues make the partner’s share more like 120%, it’s like oh fuck this.

I've been reading and nodding my head along in so many of the OP's examples and other discussions that coincides with much of what goes on in my house. There are 2 kids in my home, me carrying 100% of their mental burden, and a spouse who gives 100% at his work but becomes 95% selfish the minute he sets foot at home. I sorta recognized early on that something was off. There have been so many examples of "don't care" given on this thread - one of the things I heard a lot of from the beginning of my relationship was "I don't care." I wanted this person to realize he should care because I care. I naively thought "how can a human not care, it's like a core emotional concept!"  But adding 2 kids to mix has made it extremely unbearable on me. What strikes me in this discussion is that there is so much about neurology and psychology and the clinical intersection of the two that we're still constantly discovering and diagnosing. And how much the definitions of Autism and ADHD have been expanded in our lifetimes. 

OP you asked for next steps. There are no easy next steps.  In my life, I've decided what is next is minimizing this person's presence in my life via divorce. We (my spouse and I) come from a culture that doesn't believe psychological problems are a real thing so he will never seek a diagnosis because he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with his actions.  I can't get him to care and I can no longer live with someone who doesn't care. The only thing I can change is to do better for my kids. 

[jobae1234]

I have some gentle feedback for you, and I hope you can take it in the kind and loving spirit in which I intend it.

I think you should go to therapy, for a few reasons.

1) You chose this man to marry, who showed these signs all along. I won’t get into it too much, but it’s important info that you chose a man who can’t take care of you in any way.
2) You have the diagnosis for your husband. You did all day testing, the result was autism and ADHD, but for some reason that didn’t really sink in for you. If it had, your post would have said something like “how do you manage your husband’s autism/AuDHD?” It feels like you cast aside the diagnosis, didn’t internalize it, didn’t really read it? Something? Because all your complaints sound like autism. So what is going on for YOU that you missed this?
3) (This links to #2 but is its own reason to go to therapy) You don’t show a good understanding of what autism is and what it looks like. You’re saying he refuses to admit he needs to change, he’s in denial, he should know how to notice these problems, etc. Knowing what I know about autism, he genuinely holds a separate opinion, doesn’t see it as a problem, but also likely cannot change all that much. He cannot cause and effect and he probably never will. Cannot see these issues. His drastically different perceptions, calculations, and decision-making are what makes it neurodiversity.

So, if I were you I’d find a therapist well versed in adult AuDHD and see them myself. I’d learn more about what my partner can and cannot change. I’d learn if there are any ways I can change my behavior to help things. I’d examine why I chose to take it all on rather than leave. I’d examine how I got myself here. I’d be looking for signs in my kids that they might have these diagnoses too.

You’re just sort of not connecting with the reality of the situation, looking for a new answer that is maybe more changeable than AuDHD, or something. There’s a certain level of denial here on your end too that has gotten you both to where you are. I wish you the best.

[Captain Serious]

In addition to what has been discussed already in this thread, many of the symptoms you describe are consistent with someone in a state of hypoarousal due to having experienced trauma. Specifically the forgetfulness, seeming not to care/lack of accountability, depression, and overwhelm. If this is the case, and the trauma happened while he was young, it could also explain the lack of understanding the cause-effect relationship.

[stemmie]

It's interesting regarding those suggesting an ASD diagnosis.

My brother is an adult with high functioning autism. He's bright enough to be a college graduate and would be considered underemployed. When dad was developing dementia, I was very struck by the similarities in symptoms-- the lack of executive function, central coherence, unusual spatial reasoning (DB's is remarkable but dad thought I could park 3 cars in a one-car garage), sensory issues, language issues, loss or empathy and social filter. The difference is DB has actually gotten better as he matured whereas dad got worse over time.

In both conditions, especially HFA and dementia, there is an ability to act-- with considerable effort-- more capable than their normal baseline. IN ASD this would be masking. In dementia it is referred to as showtiming. Both are exhausting to maintain.