Husband issues / help me diagnose?

[vamoose]

Oct 21, 2024 14:33:39 GMT -5 anon98765 said:

dexteroni - yes, he takes the meds regularly. He's tried several ADHD medications and nothing has truly worked. Nothing at all has worked. I think the #1 problem here is his lack of desire to change, which stems from his inability to accept the reality that he really is like this. Anything that he has done / is doing has come from me ensuring it happens (therapists, drs appointments, meds). He has done nothing of his own to help himself.

(But if you ask him, of course he wants to change. But in this gut, he can't accept these problems and that guides him more than his brain does.)

My 13 year old son has mild ASD and ADHD. It is hard to find a good ADHD med for people with ASD according to our developmental pediatrician. We went through probably 10 different meds at all sorts of different doses before finding a med that is as good as it gets. It doesn’t fix everything, but it makes a huge difference in situational awareness. I think your husband probably needs to work for much longer on finding a good fit of ADHD med. this is hard though because it takes a ton of work to go through that process and that work is obviously hard for someone with untreated adhd. I have often wondered how that works for adult diagnosed asd/adhd people.

[ellipses84]

After reading through more of the posts and the updates, I’ll agree with [mention]vamoose [/mention]and reiterate that it doesn’t sound like he’s been properly treated for Autism. The right meds could make a huge difference. He may have been really successful at school and work in the past because he was hyper focused on the topics. He clearly needs a lot of help with executive functioning skills. A child who is diagnosed would have various types of therapies and supports in their daily life to develop systems they could take into their adult life to do these things, but your DH has not had any of this. He’s just had to figure it out, or not, or relied on his parents or you to do it for him or remind him.

It’s up to you at this point how much you want to help him and if you want to make things work, and obviously you need his commitment without him being defensive. I think if you approach this in an academic way, with a plan, like we didn’t know this about Autism before and we do now, and here are the steps we need to take, I will help you make the first couple appointments and go with you, it may not seem so insurmountable to him.

I would talk to him about it at a calm time, not when he’s done something to cause a crisis, but make it clear to him that you are at the end of your rope and he needs to make changes if he wants your marriage to work.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

I also think you need to have a CTJ talk with him about how his behaviors are affecting you and the family. You can't (and shouldn't) have to keep filling in the gaps for him in everything that he does. He needs to figure out what is exactly going on with him and what treatments/therapies that might be available to him so that you can at least know he is trying to rectify the situation. Even if it requires a new diagnosis, doctors appointments, medications, therapies, whatever, I'm sure you would feel a lot better just knowing he was trying. You can't continue to take care of kids and a grown man anymore.

[mommyatty]

It sounds like he very well could be in burnout.

Even though neurodivergence can’t be changed, there are plenty of things neurodivergent people can do to accommodate their disabilities in their own lives. We are a highly neurodivergent family. My dad and my FIL very clearly were autistic though neither was diagnosed. I have cousins who range from “50 years old and still nonverbal with significant intellectual impairment” autism to “huh, just thought she was fun and quirky” autism. My son is AuDHD. Pretty damn sure my husband is too. And frankly my MIL is somehow neurodivergent (guessing ADHD). Except for the nonverbal cousin with intellectual impairment, they’ve all figured out how to make life work for them. I have two neurodivergent male cousins who bought a trailer and a small plot of land adjacent to one’s parents, and they’re roommates and plan always to be. None of them are unable to see patterns (like, every time my kid falls down, I’m supposed to pick him up). In fact, a characteristic of autism is the ability to discern patterns very well. So even with autism and ADHD, your H still has the ability to scaffold his skills to keep himself and his family safe at a minimum.

One thing I know from all the autistic friends and family members is you cannot beat around the bush. Or make sweeping general statements. You have to be very specific and over explain things. Like we just had to tell our 10 year old “You cannot pound your fist on your desk to get your teacher’s attention. I don’t care if you’ve already raised your hand and said her name. In situations like that, take a moment to listen to see if she’s sharing information with the class or otherwise is busy. Then try again in 2-3 minutes unless you’re having a physical emergency like you are bleeding or have to use the bathroom immediately. Banging your desk is disrespectful because your teacher is trying to balance the needs of an entire class, not just yours, and your banging disrupted her ability to do that.” So you will have to say, “I need you to immediately put a voice note in your phone if you notice the car making strange noises and I need you to immediately send a text if you ever smell anything out of the ordinary if you cannot immediately discover the source. Then at night we need to review your notes for the day to make a plan to take care of things.” You’ll still be supporting him, but he needs to take some responsibility for helping you to help him.

[anon98765]

mommyatty - thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, we have gone over what to do in various situations in detail a million times, but it always goes back to "I forgot".

Like I've been banging my head against the wall trying to get him to update me immediately on certain things (like the doctor called back and said xyz, or I got an email back from HR about this benefit we inquired about). He always puts it off and then forgets. Or makes an excuse "you were in a meeting" or "you were busy". I've told him - you can email me, text me, slide a note under my door, etc. But the explicit instructions do not stick. It's always "I'll do it later" and then he does not for whatever reason / claims he forgot he can text me. Like I said before, I can't ask him to do something and have it be off my mind until he updates me; I always have to remember and then check in.

[mofongo]

anon98765 - ok, then I feel like the real question is what do you want from this? It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change, does it matter if he won’t or is incapable? He doesn’t seem able to give you what you want/need/deserve in a partner. Where do you go from here?

[awkwardpenguin]

To me this sounds like pretty classic adult autism/ADHD, layered with a lot of denial on all your parts and not enough support/accommodation for his neurodivergence. Instead the plan seems to be "he handles his work and you handle everything else, and you all hope he doesn't burn the house down". That is no way to live for any of you.

Honestly I would suggest you talk this through with a neurodiversity affirming couples therapist. I think it's important for him to understand how his refusal to change is affecting you, and you both need a lot more information about autism/AuDHD and how it can manifest in adults. Most importantly, I think you both need to think about how much change is possible, and how long you are willing to give him to work on things.

My spouse probably has autism. She hasn't been formally diagnosed, but the child she carried has AuDHD, her nephew has autism, and her dad almost certainly has autism that was never diagnosed. She has a lot of traits that I would call "extreme lack of common sense" and also some "not understanding the impact of her actions on others". To me those are symptoms of her neurodivergence, but not excuses for inconsiderate/unsafe/irresponsible behavior.

For example, my wife has a very difficult time telling if a text message requires a response or action from her. So one accommodation we have built in is that I indicate if the text requires a response. For example, if I'm texting her to look something up for me, a normal text might be "can you look up the summary plan description for the PPO plan?" but I will add a specific ask "If it is there, please send it to me. If it is not there please let me know." To me the latter messages are implicit in my first message, but she would not read it that way.

We use reminders extensively, but she is open and willing to respond to them. One area we have problems with is that if she is not hungry when it is time for a meal and I am not there, she will forget to feed the kids. Or she will ask them if they are hungry and they are busy playing so they say no and she takes them at their word. So we have set mealtimes, and reminders set on Alexa for when it is time to feed the children, and she knows that "lunchtime" means "make food for the children and put it on the table and make sure they come sit down" even if they say they are not hungry.

She has a PhD and a pretty high powered job and she functions pretty well there. So your description of your H being okay at work and a mess at home really resonated with me. The big difference is she acknowledges her limitations and is willing to work on them. I think if I were dealing with a spouse who wasn't willing to address their obvious limitations it would be a dealbreaker for me.

So I think acknowledgement of the autism diagnosis and a shared understanding of how that impacts him and how it impacts you and the family could go a long way toward healing some of the built up resentment. But then it is up to him to implement some changes and seek treatment and accommodation. If he's not willing to do that, I think you really need to consider what you want to do.

[anon98765]

awkwardpenguin wow, what you wrote is so familiar! The big difference here is denial. I'm sure some on my part, but mostly on my husband. He has literally done what you describe your wife doing with lunch and says "but they said they're not hungry", "but they said they are not cold" when it's clear it is the opposite.

When I read your post to him earlier today, he said "I could see that happening to me". He is in so much denial that he does not know that it HAS happened and DOES happen. He sees it as a hypothetical.

Whenever he tries to face reality, he gets into an extremely depressive state where he "just wants to run away". He goes into his victim mentality where life is not fair to him, where "he is bad", etc. He has never gotten to the point where he fully gets it, accepts it, even embraces it, and has a desire to make accommodations. Everything and anything he does to deal with these problems has come from me.

[awkwardpenguin]

anon98765,I do think you've identified the real problem is denial and resistance to change. I feel for your H - shame about these issues is so powerful and makes it easier to pretend everything is fine. But it doesn't serve him to deny what is going on, and it puts you in a very difficult position since it is clear the status quo is not working for your family.

I'd definitely consider therapy for yourself to explore what your next steps could be. Sending love and strength to you.

[rubytue]

To follow up on awkwardpenguin and the shame, the H has probably been shames his whole life for these things. So it’s his instinct to hide it and deny.

Even just the ADHD part, before diagnosis and accommodations became so common, many ADHDers were shamed as lazy, unreliable, uncaring for things that were just the way their brain worked. Simple example, but not closing cabinet doors. Very common in ADHD, partners think it’s just them being too lazy to close the door. Unreliable because they were caught in a hyperfocus and missed something. Uncaring because they know their partner wants the cap on the toothpaste and they were too lazy to do it.

And it totally a ND thing to show empathy by telling a story about them being in a similar situation (this isn’t them making it about themself, it’s really a way to show they understand)… my H is finally understanding that some of my stuff really is ADHD and not laziness, and only because a good friend of ours does the exact same things. Like borrowing out glue and leaving the cap off. I get it. And H seeing someone else make the same “mistakes” has been eye opening.

[mommyatty]

anon98765- I wonder if you’re also dealing with a PDA (pathological demand avoidance) profile. I swear, if I tell DH to do anything, I can guaran-damn-tee he 100% will not do it. But if that’s the case, then he needs to figure out how to step it up on his own. I second the neurodiversity-affirming therapist. But if he is just determined not to help himself, you’re going to have to make some hard choices. I could not live with an adult who refused to take simple, immediate steps to keep my kids safe. “I forgot” isn’t an excuse for that. He’s been given tools and solutions to mitigate for the forgetfulness that comes particularly with ADHD. If he’s actively refusing to use them, he needs to grasp that his actions have consequences for him too.

[dexteroni]

anon98765 You started this post looking for a diagnosis, and ended up realizing that a diagnosis isn’t the issue. Now that you’ve figured out that his denial is the biggest problem, I think the best next step would be couples counseling with a therapist who is versed in neurodivergence. Your DH needs to realize how severely his issues and refusal to address them are, without plunging into one of his “woe is me, I’m the worst” spirals, and a good counselor will be able to help with that.

And I’m not asking you to answer this here, but think about what you want to do if nothing improves. A few sessions with a therapist of your own is probably a good idea.