Is there a polite way to ask if FSIL will BF

[Ashley&Scott]

My brother & his fiance are expecting a baby at the end of the month. Is there a polite way to ask if she plans to BF? (I already asked my brother & he said he thought so but wasn't 100% sure.)

If she is planning to I wanted to get her a few things to make the first few weeks easier. (nipple butter & gel soothies)

I was going to send her an email, does this sound okay?

Hey FSIL!

How are you ? I'm getting really excited to meet Aubree, I hope you're feeling okay, I remember how uncomfortable the last few weeks were. I talked to (brother) this morning, he said you guys have been getting things ready & are all set. Do you need anything else? Are you planning to breastfeed? Is Emma getting excited to meet her little sister?

Talk to you soon
Ash

ETA: To clarify, if she plans to FF then I would get her different gifts.

[atouchofklasse]

No.

[mrssandro]

Just ask. I don't see the big deal. Just don't chastise her if she isn't.

[dcrunnergirl]

I wouldn't ask. I'd wait and see. Are you not going to get her things to make the first few weeks easier if she's FFing?

ETA: I wasn't trying to sound snarky. I was trying to think about what her reaction would be to the question. Sorry if it came off snarky--rough night with DS so my mind isn't working on all cylinders.

[Ashley&Scott]

I was afraid you'd say that, I don't want to sound judgy.

The BF supplies will cost about $25, if she's not planning to BF then I'd rather give her something else that she can use.

[Kore]

Can you registry stalk, instead? That'll usually have clues, like a breast pump vs those formula powder divider containers.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 10, 2012 8:32:53 GMT -5 Kore said:

Can you registry stalk, instead? That'll usually have clues, like a breast pump vs those formula powder divider containers.

They didn't register

I want to get the baby a gift too, I have no idea what the have/need. I asked my brother for ideas & he said they have a lot already & I should ask FSIL.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 10, 2012 8:31:12 GMT -5 dcrunnergirl said:

I wouldn't ask. I'd wait and see. Are you not going to get her things to make the first few weeks easier if she's FFing?

I will definitely still get her something either way. (I edited the OP to be more clear)

[aspentosh]

I'd say something like "If you're planning to breastfeed I hope you know you can talk to me. Those first few weeks can be hard and it was invaluable to have a sounding board with questions that came up."

That way it's not "are you???" but more supporting if she chooses that option and it opens the line of communication to answer your question.

That being said, I was never offended when people asked if I was planning to BF.

[pamela]

Oct 10, 2012 8:31:12 GMT -5 dcrunnergirl said:

I wouldn't ask. I'd wait and see. Are you not going to get her things to make the first few weeks easier if she's FFing?

What she needs to make life easier are different for BFing vs FFing.

I think coming right out and asking like that could be seen as too forward and looking for something to judge for some people. I'd ask your brother directly to ask her and let him know why, that you want to get her something specific either way based on how they plan to feed the baby.

[Saudade]

Well I asked BIL's gf if she was planning on breastfeeding because I'm nosy like that. But I did so because I was going to offer her a new boppy, other supplies, and offer recommendations on stuff.

I don't see anything wrong with it though.

ETA: I think I worded it "do you plan to bf?" or something like that. Maybe, "are you going to try to bf?" but I really can't remember.

[mrssandro]

Oct 10, 2012 8:39:23 GMT -5 aspentosh said:

I'd say something like "If you're planning to breastfeed I hope you know you can talk to me. Those first few weeks can be hard and it was invaluable to have a sounding board with questions that came up."

That way it's not "are you???" but more supporting if she chooses that option and it opens the line of communication to answer your question.

That being said, I was never offended when people asked if I was planning to BF.

Good response.

I too was never offended when people asked me that.

[karinothing]

Well, I personally could care less when people asked me. But I don't really think it is such a super personal thing either. I think everyone should talk about it openly and without judgment.

I would probably just say "Hey, if you are planning to BF just know you can feel free to ask me for advice or support"

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 10, 2012 8:51:03 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Who is Emma? Is she FSIL's daughter, or your brother's daughter, or an animal?

It's FSIL's daughter.

[froggy76]

Someone at work asked me and then bought me a box full of BFing supplies. It was AWESOME and I didn't think it was rude at all.

How about, "Let me know if you're planning to BF because I might have some leftover stuff (or a book) you can use." If you have some extra milk storage bags, lanolin, nursing pads, etc, you could give those to her, and buy her new stuff. Even if you don't have any extra stuff laying around, at least you'll know!

ETA: Just remembered that DH's aunt also flat-out asked me, because she wanted to buy me "The Nursing Mother's Companion." I know everyone above wants you to do what is most polite, but I'd hate for her to miss out on a gift of BFing stuff from you because you're afraid to ask her. Those were the most useful gifts I received and I would have had no clue what to buy myself.

[cosmowife]

Why don't you just ask, "Are you planning on formula feeding or breastfeeding?" That way, the question isn't skewed in either direction and you will get your answer.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 10, 2012 8:56:53 GMT -5 cosmowife said:

Why don't you just ask, "Are you planning on formula feeding or breastfeeding?" That way, the question isn't skewed in either direction and you will get your answer.

Perfect!

[bunch]

I didn't realize this was a taboo question? I've asked people if they are or plan to before. I have zero judgement either way, I just like to commiserate and encourage if I can.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 10, 2012 8:58:18 GMT -5 bunch said:

I didn't realize this was a taboo question? I've asked people if they are or plan to before. I have zero judgement either way, I just like to commiserate and encourage if I can.

I never thought of it as taboo until GBCN.

[gibbinator]

I kinda did the same things with a new friend who had a baby in august. I had all these great coupons for breastfeeding supplies that I already had.
I think I worded it something like " hey friend. Sorry if this is a weird question but are you planning to breastfeed? If so I've got these coupons blah blah blah.''

[froggy76]

Oct 10, 2012 9:00:05 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Oct 10, 2012 8:51:36 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

It's FSIL's daughter.

Yeah, then I'd doubly avoid saying anything, if she's not even a first-time mom.

Hmm... yeah, if she's not a FTM, she probably doesn't need you to buy BFing stuff for her.

[karinothing]

Oct 10, 2012 8:59:24 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Oct 10, 2012 8:58:18 GMT -5 bunch said:

I didn't realize this was a taboo question? I've asked people if they are or plan to before. I have zero judgement either way, I just like to commiserate and encourage if I can.

I never thought of it as taboo until GBCN.

I think GBCN and the Nest operates on a different reality than the normal world.

Making something like this taboo does a diservice to breastfing and formula feeding IMO.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 10, 2012 9:03:23 GMT -5 froggy76 said:

Oct 10, 2012 9:00:05 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Yeah, then I'd doubly avoid saying anything, if she's not even a first-time mom.

Hmm... yeah, if she's not a FTM, she probably doesn't need you to buy BFing stuff for her.

? So because she's not a FTM it's rude to buy her something?

[h]

I think asking is fine if you are reasonably close, but I would try to bring up BFing naturally in conversation and see how she responds rather than addressing it in an email.

I agree that if she has already had a child, she may not need this kind of help (unless she didn't try to BF the first time and wants to try this time). If she has already BFed successfully once, chances are good that she won't need stuff like soothies and nipple butter. I went through tons of that stuff with DS1, but had zero pain, no cracking or blistering, and no need for any soothing stuff with DS2. If she tried to BF the first time and wasn't successful, she might just want to go straight to FF this time to spare herself the same difficulty.

[h]

Oct 10, 2012 9:06:37 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Oct 10, 2012 9:03:23 GMT -5 froggy76 said:

Hmm... yeah, if she's not a FTM, she probably doesn't need you to buy BFing stuff for her.

? So because she's not a FTM it's rude to buy her something?

It is not rude, but it may not be needed. None of my friends who BFed their first kid needed that stuff with their second. For many people it is infinitely easier the second time around and the need for supplies isn't really there.

[liveintheville]

Oct 10, 2012 9:06:37 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Oct 10, 2012 9:03:23 GMT -5 froggy76 said:

Hmm... yeah, if she's not a FTM, she probably doesn't need you to buy BFing stuff for her.

? So because she's not a FTM it's rude to buy her something?

Eh, I get this. With kid 2 knew with products I preferred and needed to nurse. And I had already purchased them by the time kid 2 was born. It's just one of those situations where you're like "it's ok I've got this one".

I'd stick with food and offers to babysit the older kid.

[mrssandro]

Oct 10, 2012 9:03:40 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Oct 10, 2012 8:59:24 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

I never thought of it as taboo until GBCN.

I think GBCN and the Nest operates on a different reality than the normal world.

Making something like this taboo does a diservice to breastfing and formula feeding IMO.

:Y: No reason to make this a taboo topic. Plus this is her FSIL. Still doesn't commute to me that this would be a uncomfortable question.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 10, 2012 9:13:18 GMT -5 liveintheville said:

Oct 10, 2012 9:06:37 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

? So because she's not a FTM it's rude to buy her something?

Eh, I get this. With kid 2 knew with products I preferred and needed to nurse. And I had already purchased them by the time kid 2 was born. It's just one of those situations where you're like "it's ok I've got this one".

I'd stick with food and offers to babysit the older kid.

Okay that makes sense. I'm not sure if she FF or BF with #1. I sent her the email & changed the wording to "are you planning to FF or BF".

Thanks everyone!

[liveintheville]

Oct 10, 2012 9:21:34 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Oct 10, 2012 9:13:18 GMT -5 liveintheville said:

Eh, I get this. With kid 2 knew with products I preferred and needed to nurse. And I had already purchased them by the time kid 2 was born. It's just one of those situations where you're like "it's ok I've got this one".

I'd stick with food and offers to babysit the older kid.

Okay that makes sense. I'm not sure if she FF or BF with #1. I sent her the email & changed the wording to "are you planning to FF or BF".

Thanks everyone!

Oh yeah, and I don't think there's anything wrong with asking at all. I bought several of my friends nursing covers to give to them after the baby was born. They had commented on mine and I just filed that away for future reference

[mollybrown]

I think your wording was perfect.