I didn't read past the first page, but I agree that your H just needs to be more firm in his communication with MIL.
I live only 45 miles from my parents and do not see them every month. I would go crazy if I had to see them multiple times a month.
my mom gets emotional sometimes or tries to guilt me into a visit, and I just tell her that now is not a good time and that I'm doing what works best for my life. I do give her a time frame where we can plan something for the future though, so she's not always just waiting.
ETA: just read the rest of the thread. I'm sorry about that Papa thing - that is awful.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with these folks. The papa thing would really piss me off!
I like the skype idea. We live 1700miles from my inlaws, so we see them twice a year, but we Skype weekly. I go in and chat, but sometimes leave DH and inlaws to talk while I cook or whatever. I think once a month is plenty to see them in person.
I would let H handle most of the communication with them, but every time you hear them use Papa I would correct them. Repeat until it sticks or until you lose it on them. I would be so upset by this. Even though my FIL is dead, our kids will grow up knowing he was 'pop'....you don't lose the title just because you aren't around! WTF?!
It sounds to me like you all need a family meeting. Your ILs are having major health issues that are not being addressed, and that could kill them both (if your FIL keeps driving). Being that unbalanced in her 50's is likely also a health issue, even if it is not a deadly one she should have it addressed. I think you also need to just have a heart to heart with them - many other posters have already suggested good language, but they need to understand in no uncertain terms that this guilt tripping is not acceptable and that your concerns come from a place of love and caring but that they also need to love and care about you enough to respect your needs.
I also think you need to be more clear about the Papa thing - and mention the part about their lost parents if that helps them understand. I think all of this should be handled delicately and calmly so they understand you aren't trying to attack but instead are trying to make your relationship work.
Is Papa a family name for them or why are they insisting on using it? In my family, I had to "Grandpas" and I guess I can see that I'd have trouble understanding if my kids couldn't call my dad the same name I called my Grandpa. If Papa isn't the usual term in your DH's family, then I don't understand at all (and either way I do think they are being disrespectful and you have a right to be upset). I'm just wondering if you could better address this issue and say something that had an impact on them if you knew "why" they wanted to use Papa.... I hope that makes sense.
Good luck. I'm once again thankful my in laws live far away and are pretty absent. I can't imagine dealing with this kind of crap.
It sounds to me like you all need a family meeting. Your ILs are having major health issues that are not being addressed, and that could kill them both (if your FIL keeps driving). Being that unbalanced in her 50's is likely also a health issue, even if it is not a deadly one she should have it addressed. I think you also need to just have a heart to heart with them - many other posters have already suggested good language, but they need to understand in no uncertain terms that this guilt tripping is not acceptable and that your concerns come from a place of love and caring but that they also need to love and care about you enough to respect your needs.
I also think you need to be more clear about the Papa thing - and mention the part about their lost parents if that helps them understand. I think all of this should be handled delicately and calmly so they understand you aren't trying to attack but instead are trying to make your relationship work.
Is Papa a family name for them or why are they insisting on using it? In my family, I had to "Grandpas" and I guess I can see that I'd have trouble understanding if my kids couldn't call my dad the same name I called my Grandpa. If Papa isn't the usual term in your DH's family, then I don't understand at all (and either way I do think they are being disrespectful and you have a right to be upset). I'm just wondering if you could better address this issue and say something that had an impact on them if you knew "why" they wanted to use Papa.... I hope that makes sense.
Good luck. I'm once again thankful my in laws live far away and are pretty absent. I can't imagine dealing with this kind of crap.
DH had a discussion with his mom last year that he only wanted her driving with DS in the car one day when I needed her to babysit when I was at the hospital with my Dad all day. She started bawling and said she understood, but that this would be very difficult to bring up to FIL. They are just overemotional. I do agree it's time for another family discussion about it.
To answer the other question, no, Papa is not a family name for ILs. Before DS was born we asked them what they wanted to be called as grandparents. We stated that my Mom and Dad would be Nana and Papa because that was already established in my family (my sister has little ones that already called them that for years). ILs said they wanted to be Grandma and Grandpa. Then as soon as my Dad passed, ILs started referring to FIL as Papa. It is so hurtful.
And sometimes I hear MIL refer to herself as Mama to my DS. They both act like they are reliving their parenthood and that DS is their kid sometimes. As weird as that is, I'm only trying to pick to most important battles for now.
Just piping in to say this: My dad is the one in our family who got all crazy boundary crossing and "hurt feelings" over being "left out" of baby stuff - he did this to himself, he wasn't left out - very similar situation. Wanted us to chase him down and make him feel important, etc. Well, DH was very irritated by it and I rightly stood up for my family and DH with my Dad.
Parents don't always just say "oh, gosh, I see i've been being inappropriate, so sorry!". My Dad and I are no longer speaking and it's caused a huge rift in my family. The dysfunction of a codependent family doesn't go away just because someone finally says something - it usually gets worse. Go easy on your husband and try to set your own boundaries without forcing your husband to handle this a certain way. I mean, don't let her rule the day (her bahavior is totally awful, I absolutely agree with you on this one) - but try to sympathize with the tough spot your husband is in. Good luck.
Post by kellbell191 on Oct 12, 2012 13:38:29 GMT -5
If you're being honest with yourself is the emotional codependency really a knew thing, or has it shown in other ways before? It sounds like your husband is either 1) used to the dynamic and doesn't realize he is feeding it or 2) is scared and upset to see them losing it and is burying his head in the sand.
We have a similar dynamic only we don't have kids. Counseling has helped a lot. It has helped me to deal with the loss of my Mom and to allow myself not to feel so angry and resentful over family situations. When my Mom was dying my MIL kept asking me to call her Mom. She saw it as welcoming me to the family but every time she mentioned it, it was like a slap in the face. DH very quickly locked that shit down. I have realized that I have not dealt with the death of my Mom well and it makes a lot of my other family interactions very difficult.
Counseling for your DH could help him to realize the cycle he's involved in and to have more productive interactions with his parents. Your MIL is absolutely being emotionally manipulative. I'm not sure if she wants more time from you all so much as she wants the validation of holding your attention. When she calls and complains and cries on the phone and your H indulges her by listening to her, he is validating her feelings whether or not he intends to. Explanations can play into her woe is me cyclical thinking. Setting boundaries and ending negative interactions or phone calls takes away the incentive for her. When she calls to complain he can simply say, "Mom, we've discussed this and I don't feel comfortable having this conversation with you again." It means that when she goes down the path she gets no attention, the opposite of what she is trying to accomplish.
My parents aren't close to as bad as your inlaws, but they do try the "we never see you, no one ever visits" guilt. I don't explain, I just say "I'm doing the best I can, we're busy, we have our own home/obligations here and I'm sorry if you feel it's not good enough." My mom will then back track that of course, she didn't mean we had to drop everything and she knows we're busy, but I don't care because it moves the conversation to something else.
I'd suggest your husband take that approach. No point explaining how busy you are, they don't really care anyway.
We moved to be closer to my ILs (we're now 5 mins away) so they could help with babysitting and daycare. We are now farther from my parents (2 hours away). We see my ILs at least 2x per week, and MIL often calls to ask for more visits. Lately, she's been asking to see LO alone. JUST LO. My MIL also calls crying. We see my parents 1x every other month or so (but for a longer visit, so DH says they're equal). FWIW, my ILs do not babysit LO and we send her to daycare for $1K/mo. I still don't know why we moved to be closer to them.