Can you delegate to your husband?

[Deleted]

H and I had a "fight" last night. It's really rare for us; like this is maybe our 3rd argument in 5 years of being together.

It basically boils down to this: DH is awesome at the day-to-day routine of our life. Grocery shopping, meal preparation, taking out the trash, etc. I am better (more concerned?) with the big picture items; planning a wedding, getting all of our paperwork in order, getting life insurance, etc.

I learned during wedding planning that showing him a 40 item list of to-dos freaks him out, and he shuts down. So feed it to him 3 items at a time. So with having a baby, I asked him to take care of daycare by the end of August. It's still not entirely done. We're on the list at 2 places, but he still needs to drop off the deposit and paperwork at one of them. His "out" is that he has a ton of FMLA time, and if we don't have daycare by March 1, when I go back to work, he'll stay home with Baby.

I made it clear all of last week that I wanted to get the car seat bases installed this last weekend. H is flying out of town this weekend to be in his brother's wedding, and then after that I'll be 39 weeks pregnant. I wanted to take them in to be inspected this week. Guess what didn't get done? Well, he installed one base in his truck, but didn't read the instructions for either the seat or the owners manual for the vehicle. It slides back and forth 4-6 inches, at least.

His reasoning? "We're having it inspected at the Fire Department, they can do it for us." Um, no, we need to know how to do this properly. And he didn't even attempt to put it into my car.

This lead to a huge argument about how I can't delegate to him. About how all of this baby-preparation feels like its fallen to me, and when I ask him to do things, he half-asses them.

By the end of last night, he was full of self-recrimination about how he'd acted, but never apologizes (because he hates apologizing). But I'm still pretty worked up about it this morning.

With regards to the larger issue, is this unusual? In your relationship, does one person take the lead on strategic, long-term planning and the other on day-to-day tactical operations?

[karinothing]

Yes, I can but I am hesitant to do so only because I am a control freak. DH takes pride in installing the car seat though.

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2012 9:40:46 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Yes, I can but I am hesitant to do so only because I am a control freak. DH takes pride in installing the car seat though.

I will admit to being a total Type A. So I try to only delegate things that I don't really care about, but just need "done."

[Willis Jackson]

We had a few arguments similar to this when we first became parents. I made it clear to him that if he promised to do something, I wanted to wipe it off my to-do list and not have to give it a second thought. I didn't want to have to "manage" him doing it, because then it's just another thing that's my responsibility.

He's a lot better now. He's in charge of everything dental-related for the kids, for example. I couldn't even tell you their dentist's name. He does let some things go until the last minute, but I know his inner voice nags him about it so I don't add to that.

[mrssandro]

I kind of see his point about the fire department inspecting it. Seems only logical that they would find the errors. The bases are pretty easy to install. My husband may have briefly looked at the manual but he just put it in there so it can not move. He hates following instructions.

That said you probably need to relax a little. I know it's hard and I bet you are feeling anxious with everything but it's going to be a new big strain on the relationship with your DH. Especially those first 3-6 months. You will find your grove but it will take a lot of patience and communication with each other. Just keep on talking and working this out. GL!

[hocus]

It is common to have a split of duties in a family (I don't know that it always falls into day to day and long term). I think ALL caregivers need to know how to install a car seat so this is a bad example.

Overall I think you gave your husband tasks that aren't suited to his skills and that you general take up the slack when he doesn't get stuff done so he knows he doesn't have to do it completely. I don't have a cure for that, but overall I'd probably lay out 5 things and let you guys pick and choose which you'll do rather than choosing for him. Or I'd accept your roll as the long term planner and expect that your husband will do a lot of the day to day stuff once your baby is here.

[froggy76]

No, I can't delegate to MH. I'm laughing at the thought of asking him to take care of daycare and submit paperwork, etc. Partially, because I'm a control freak, and partially because it just wouldn't get done if I left it up to him.

My H sounds a lot like yours. He is very very good at day-to-day stuff and he more than pulls his weight around the house. But he is better when the tasks are more manual labor than planning, paperwork, etc. I'm making him sound like a idiot, but he isn't and he is such a great husband and father. We work together very well. We just have different strengths and I don't see any reason to try to work against that or set him up for failure by delegating something big to him.

With all that said, installing carseats was totally up my DH's alley. Taking them to get inspected... not so much (and we still haven't done it.)

[dragonfly08]

Can I delegate? Yes.

Does it get done how/when I prefer? Not usually. He will absolutely do it eventually, and he'll meet any absolute deadlines (not necessarily my deadlines, but those of other organizations). So I have to decide which is more important, that he do it, or that it get done my way. If it's the former I delegate. If it's the latter I do it myself and give up my right to complain about it (something I admittedly still have trouble with after 11+ years of marriage and two kids!).

Which means, basically, that in our household we are sort of split between the long-range planning (DH) and the day-to-day operations (me). That works best overall, and honestly suits our personalities. I'm very Type A and DH just isn't.

As far as the car seat base installation, I wouldn't worry too much. When I had ours done, many moons ago, they completely took it out, re-installed it, and showed me how to do it as they went. They're not all that difficult, just sometimes a matter of practicing to be sure you've got the seat belt or LATCH straps, whichever you're using, tight. I found that putting a knee in the base helped, and I actually used to sit in the convertible seats to tighten them!

[Deleted]

I don't think I "delegate" but we definitely split duties depending on what it is. He installed the car seats, I set up the activity mat ( okay so varying degrees of importance there. LOL.) sometimes we argue bc one of us will end up doing too much, but in general we do a good job of shooting each other emails and saying "can you take care of this."

[karinothing]

Regarding delegating I will say things vastly improved once I told DH that when I asked him to take care of something it meant immediately not days from now.

[hannamaren]

My H can only handle one thing at a time too. I tend to give him one job per week. And then "threaten " him that if he doesnt so it, there are 2 jobs next week. I also make deadlines WAy ahead of time. Because I am a crazy paranoid person/like things done in advance and he is last minute.

Now I give him options. "do you want to give her a bath or wash the bath afterwards?"

He is a child.

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2012 11:07:49 GMT -5 @246baje said:

I can delegate but certain things he takes charge of and other things he immediately says, "nah you are better at that". Which to me is fair as he does the things he is best suited to and so do I.

He did 90% of the baby registry, researched car seats, purchased and installed them. I do daycare registration, setting up payment etc. we do grocery and baby stuff shopping together or I give him a list. It works for us.

It sounds like there are a number of issues, you need to allocate tasks based on ability/desire and either of you needs to be able to speak up and say "hey this task is on my list but you are better suited to do it".

I would really like H and I to get on the same page with handling major life transitions. I was hoping that preparing for Baby would be something like what I have bolded; we'd identify the tasks to be done and split them up according to skill set/ interest. But if I show him a list of 40 to-do items, he gets overwhelmed and can't do any of them.

So with this I said here are 5 things I think you'd be great at: daycare research/ execution, life insurance, stroller research, crib research and rocking chair/ glider research. Which would you like to do? I'd like to have them done by the end of August because there are other things on the list. He chose daycare. And as of last week has it about 90% done.

I'm so frustrated; I can't show him the whole list because them he buries his head in the sand. I apparently can't give him small tasks and deadlines, because he procrastinates because he thinks its all he has to do.

I don't mean to make him sound like an ass. He really is a great guy. He just doesn't handle transition/ change/ major projects very well. He's GREAT at routine, letting me slack off to a certain degree. Maybe I just need to accept that all major life transitions will have to be planned/ managed entirely by me?

[ohgillian]

Oct 15, 2012 9:38:34 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

In your relationship, does one person take the lead on strategic, long-term planning and the other on day-to-day tactical operations?

I don't know if I'd exactly describe it that way, but there are certainly areas in which I excel and different areas in which H excels. There are things that I KNOW not to ask him to do, b/c I would just be setting him up for failure. And, vice versa.

H does meal prep; lunch packing; daycare bag packing; vacuuming; bathrooms; kitchen cleaning; routine yardwork. He completely sucks at dealing with things like renewing his license place annually. Putting a new credit card in his wallet when his old one has expired -- even when I tell him about the new one, put it in "his spot" on the desk, and remind him about it.

I do all the finances, both daily and long-term. Make us go get wills. Gather all the info we need and get us to sit down to make a decision about XYZ financial item. Empty trashes. Do all the baking. Laundry. And more of the hands-on daily childcare.

I don't know if I've answered your question. But we definitely have our areas in which we are known to succeed and those in which we are known to fail.

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2012 11:43:17 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

Oct 15, 2012 9:38:34 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

In your relationship, does one person take the lead on strategic, long-term planning and the other on day-to-day tactical operations?

I don't know if I'd exactly describe it that way, but there are certainly areas in which I excel and different areas in which H excels. There are things that I KNOW not to ask him to do, b/c I would just be setting him up for failure. And, vice versa.

H does meal prep; lunch packing; daycare bag packing; vacuuming; bathrooms; kitchen cleaning; routine yardwork. He completely sucks at dealing with things like renewing his license place annually. Putting a new credit card in his wallet when his old one has expired -- even when I tell him about the new one, put it in "his spot" on the desk, and remind him about it.

I do all the finances, both daily and long-term. Make us go get wills. Gather all the info we need and get us to sit down to make a decision about XYZ financial item. Empty trashes. Do all the baking. Laundry. And more of the hands-on daily childcare.

I don't know if I've answered your question. But we definitely have our areas in which we are known to succeed and those in which we are known to fail.

Can I ask how long it took you guys to figure out how to set each other up for success?

[luvmagoldn]

Did the two of you discuss these tasks being assigned to him or did you simply delegate? I usually ask H how involved he wants to be (with certain things - like day care for example). That helps us figure out who will be in charge of doing it. Other times I will say x, y and z need to be done - which do you want?

He doesn't think big picture like I do so it wouldn't occur to him to come up with the list. But dividing it up is usually fairly uneventful.

[Deleted]

Yes. DH is really great with domestic tasks, including anything involving the children. I tend to do most of the day-to-day stuff just because I'm home more often and they're kind of my "job" but I know he could handle it if he had to.

We used to have more of the kinds of disagreements you describe in the beginning of our marriage though. He's a lot more laid back than I am so sometimes I have to remind him (he would say nag )to get stuff done on the timeline that I'd like. So now I just include a time or date to get things done by. Please remember to do x by Tuesday, etc. etc.

[ohgillian]

Oct 15, 2012 11:47:00 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

Oct 15, 2012 11:43:17 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

I don't know if I'd exactly describe it that way, but there are certainly areas in which I excel and different areas in which H excels. There are things that I KNOW not to ask him to do, b/c I would just be setting him up for failure. And, vice versa.

H does meal prep; lunch packing; daycare bag packing; vacuuming; bathrooms; kitchen cleaning; routine yardwork. He completely sucks at dealing with things like renewing his license place annually. Putting a new credit card in his wallet when his old one has expired -- even when I tell him about the new one, put it in "his spot" on the desk, and remind him about it.

I do all the finances, both daily and long-term. Make us go get wills. Gather all the info we need and get us to sit down to make a decision about XYZ financial item. Empty trashes. Do all the baking. Laundry. And more of the hands-on daily childcare.

I don't know if I've answered your question. But we definitely have our areas in which we are known to succeed and those in which we are known to fail.

Can I ask how long it took you guys to figure out how to set each other up for success?

A few years.

When we first moved in together, we sat down with a list of every chore we could think of, and picked which ones we wanted. I think that we naturally picked ones that fell to our strengths.

However, so many things in life don't fall within those easy categories. I would say we are still learning in some ways! We have been together about 5 years.

Example: Probably 1.5 years ago, my garage door opener broke. I asked DH to deal with it. He said he would. He didn't. I (mentally) went thru a whole fit of "If he loved me he would do things like this." And then thought about it and realized that DH always procrastinates on errands. Doesn't like to deal with vendors. Etc. He would have put it off just as long if it were his garage door opener.

I ended up taking it back and also actually apologized to him. I told him that I never should have asked b/c that is the kind of thing he hates to do, and that it was something I can easily deal with.

I do also find that sometimes I have to tell him what is not in my area of expertise, and sometimes he is surprised. There is one specific part of our financial lives that I cannot handle. I can't explain why, but it just overwhelmes and confused me, even though it shouldn't. So I explained that I can't handle it, and that if he wants it done, he has to do it. I told him that I don't know WHY i can't handle it, but that I simply can't, and that that isn't changing.

So I think I have "learned" him a little more than he has "learned" me, so to speak, so I just make a point to tell him what things I can't do, etc.

[ohgillian]

In re-reading your post, it sounds like part of the problem is that you ask him to do things by a specific time, and then later he makes an excuse (or has a reason) why that timeframe isn't necessary. That would piss me off if it were the routine. If that were our house, we'd probably talk about why that dynamic is happening, and what parts of it frustrate me and how I am in return frustrating him.

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2012 11:55:58 GMT -5 luvmagoldn said:

Did the two of you discuss these tasks being assigned to him or did you simply delegate? I usually ask H how involved he wants to be (with certain things - like day care for example). That helps us figure out who will be in charge of doing it. Other times I will say x, y and z need to be done - which do you want?

I gave him a list of tasks that needed to be done and asked him to choose which items he wanted to work on.

[sugarbear]

I guess I just choose my battles.
Everything paperwork-related falls to me, because I'm a total control freak (and, frankly, I know that he wouldn't get it done).

Everything do-it-yourself related falls to him, which includes car seat installation.
SO, yes, I can delegate, but only some things.

[birdmom]

I delegate things to DH that I don't want to (or don't care enough about) or cannot do. Cutting the grass, taking out the trash, hanging pictures, household repairs. Most of the day to day stuff I take care of.

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2012 12:37:06 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

In re-reading your post, it sounds like part of the problem is that you ask him to do things by a specific time, and then later he makes an excuse (or has a reason) why that timeframe isn't necessary. That would piss me off if it were the routine. If that were our house, we'd probably talk about why that dynamic is happening, and what parts of it frustrate me and how I am in return frustrating him.

I think you nailed what it is that gets me so frustrated! We've talked before about "how can I help you help me," clearly with no real results. Probably time to have that conversation again.

[ohgillian]

Oct 15, 2012 13:29:40 GMT -5 @idaholakelady said:

Oct 15, 2012 12:37:06 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

In re-reading your post, it sounds like part of the problem is that you ask him to do things by a specific time, and then later he makes an excuse (or has a reason) why that timeframe isn't necessary. That would piss me off if it were the routine. If that were our house, we'd probably talk about why that dynamic is happening, and what parts of it frustrate me and how I am in return frustrating him.

I think you nailed what it is that gets me so frustrated! We've talked before about "how can I help you help me," clearly with no real results. Probably time to have that conversation again.

Good luck! It might help to say exactly what you said here -- that you've talked about this before and you don't feel like you're seeing results; so what can be done so that things can be different?

[UnderProtest]

I've tried to give my husband the jobs that are regularly occurring and don't require him to "see" the dirt or chaos (such as trash duty since it always occurs on one day). He still half asses it. I can roll the damn bin from the house to the street, I need him to empty ALL of the trash cans in the house. So while I have no suggestions, I feel your pain.

[Deleted]

My DH was tasked with painting our babies room and had to plan to have it done by October. He's also "working" on some acenine project of putting a new floor in our attic (seems so stupid to me). The attic is barely started...and we are away next weekend. There's a whole list of other projects I could list out that haven't been completed. He's never been one to stick to a time frame.

Over the weekend I called a painter we've used in the past. I'm too hormonal to be dealing with crap like this. Delegating in my house usually means I ask, bitch about it for a few weeks then I wind up handling myself.

[livinitup]

Well, if I delegated to setting-up daycare to DH and he got our name on a few lists but didn't agressively secure a spot because his plan was to use his FMLA when I returned to work - then I'd have to live with that plan, right? I mean, its not MY plan or how I would do things, but it does have merit.

If I didn't LIKE his plan, then I would follow-through on the loose ends and perhaps push harder at a few other places.

Does that mean I can't delagate? Maybe, or maybe it means that I have to let go MORE and just let DH's plan unfold. (I only said that last bit to be balanced - no way would I not jump in and nail down what I wanted.)


Anyway, if you are 39 weeks pregnant and still only worked-up over several normal things to get worked-up about - I say you are doing GREAT. Everything set me off in the third trimester. You must be a saint.

[belovedbride07]

No advice, but I can commiserate. This is precisely the problem DH and I have; he is great with day-to-day, but it feels like big picture all falls on me. (And we don't even have kids yet...)

He is trying to be better...but we still don't have life insurance ~5 months after he agreed to be responsible for getting quotes.

[Deleted]

I am your DH....my DH is way more organized & disciplined than I am. He gets most sh*t done & in a timely fashion. I procrastinate BAD!! I'm sorry you have to deal with it--I admit my DH is a Saint for putting up with me.

[ohgillian]

Oct 15, 2012 13:58:56 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Anyway, if you are 39 weeks pregnant and still only worked-up over several normal things to get worked-up about - I say you are doing GREAT. Everything set me off in the third trimester. You must be a saint.

And this.

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2012 10:35:41 GMT -5 @mrsbecky07 said:

I don't think I "delegate" but we definitely split duties depending on what it is. He installed the car seats, I set up the activity mat ( okay so varying degrees of importance there. LOL.) sometimes we argue bc one of us will end up doing too much, but in general we do a good job of shooting each other emails and saying "can you take care of this."

ditto