How to spot a douchebag?

[blackkitty]

I feel like I am getting better at spotting the crazies but looking for your thoughts on the giant red flags that I should look for to avoid dating liars, cheaters, guys that just want sex, etc.

I'm going to write the list out so I can refer to it in the future to try to prevent myself from letting things slip by when I know better!

The last few guys that I've dated turned out to be either a liar, criminal or just interested in sex

[kaneen]

Only texts and never calls.

Drives a Hummer or anything bright yellow.

Wears his phone clipped to his belt.

[heavenly]

Displays an innuendo mind within the first few hours after getting to know you.

"Tests" you by asking random questions.


I like to think that if a guy is truly interested in a girl, he will show respect and not inappropriate behaviors.

[achase123]

Tapout shirts
white sunglasses
flat billed hat

Seriously though, beyond wardrobe, anyone who does the following:

-uses illegal drugs
-criminal record
-no relationship with family (save a compelling reason why)
-no friends (save a compelling reason why)
-no relationship with children or children live elsewhere (there's no compelling reason why this is ok)
-behind on CS
-anger problems
-spends every waking hour in the gym
-too concerned about his appearance (checking himself out in the mirror, flexing, etc. EW)
-doesn't listen and/or interrupts
-arrogant
-brags about accomplishments early on (first few dates talking about military medals for example)
-thinks being in a physical altercation is "cool" or describes himself as a "fighter"
-puts others down and thinks it's humerous
-talks about his ex all.the.time
-tries to push for the physical too soon
-says "I love you" too soon
-wants to spend every waking second together
-doesn't respect your goals or need for space
-only texts or calls at 11pm at night after he's been at the bar three hours already
-wants to meet your children too soon
-says he's "made some mistakes" in his past. usually that's code for a criminal record or colored past that probably is still following him around
-hits on you even though he has a wife or GF (bonus douchebag points if the wife/GF is in the same room)
-secretive of his phone
-his exes stuff is still at his house even though she's technically moved out
-he tells you "let's not put a label on things" and asks to keep all pictures of the two of you off of Facebook

Ehhh, I'm out of thoughts for now but can you tell these are all experiences I've run into?

[bullygirl979]

Says "I love you" waaay too early in the relationship.

[starryfish]

achase, that was a good list. My ex-bf had 9 of those on that list.

Maybe we should make this a sticky post?

My additional tips:
-is constantly texting/calling you even though he knows you are busy
-talks about BIG topics WAY too soon (marriage, living together, will you move for him, etc)
-puts others down a lot (even strangers) bc this will turn into him putting you down in the future
-makes comments about your weight (or others who are similar weight to you)

[bowies]

I go purely on instinct. Does he court you? Does he tell you about himself (on a deeper level than what his hobbies are)? Does he call you when he says he will? Does he act like someone who is into you?

I'm a firm believer that if a man wants to date you, then he will date you. None of this "let's hang out at my place" bullshit. None of this "texting and FB counts as communication" crap. He will also be an open book on where's he been in life, and where he's going. He won't be vague or only talk about surface-level subjects. He will be confident in who he is but not aggressive in letting you know it. He doesn't act like relationships are an extended power struggle. He doesn't let his cell phone rule his life. He has a healthy sense of community, family, and humility.

Too often I think people place too much importance on the inconsequential attributes - he's hot, he makes a lot of money, he pays attention to me sometimes when he's in a good mood, etc., and the important things are glossed over. This is why douchebags have not only thrived, but have multiplied.

[Bernadine]

Steelers fan

lol, ok, not really. I think the other ladies are hitting it spot-on, and I especially like what bowies said.

[wrathofkuus]

doucheface. Always be on the lookout for doucheface.

[BookLover]

Tries to make out with you on the first date and wants to get into your pants the 2nd date.

They tell you it's their responsibility to make you feel happy.

Does not take no for an answer.

Makes snide remarks in passing about appearance.

Can not handle money responsibly.

Does not pay child support.

Doesn't have a job by choice.

Wants to jump immediately into a relationship with out really getting to know you.

Someone just looking to get married...They don't heal from all the previous breakups and jumps into new ones immediately.

[blackkitty]

I'll add those from my recent experience:

- Calls from a blocked number (even if he has what sounds like a legit reason to do so)
- Prefers to communicate over IM rather than text message
- "Forgets" important things, like things you would never forget if it was actuallly true (like in my case he "forgot" that his son was supposed to spend the summer with his inlaws in North Dakota? In words, he probably doesn't even have a son and forgot he told me that)
- Thinks everyone else is crazy except him - all of his exes are drug addicts, or stalked him, or stole money from him
- Forgets his wallet

[missbetty1]

Wow you guys are good...all of what I ws going to put has already been mentioned

[nextchapter]

Doesn't have a sense humor, or has a really crude sense of humor

Constantly comments on your appearance (good and bad)

Takes you on dates to places where his friends are hanging out

Asks really personal questions right off the bat

Wants to meet your friends and family too soon

Makes self depreciating comments

Never looks directly at you/looks you in the eye

Is rude to waiters and other service people

[starburst604]

May 21, 2012 14:24:34 GMT -5 nextchapter said:

Doesn't have a sense humor, or has a really crude sense of humor

Constantly comments on your appearance (good and bad)

Takes you on dates to places where his friends are hanging out

Asks really personal questions right off the bat

Wants to meet your friends and family too soon

Makes self depreciating comments

Never looks directly at you/looks you in the eye

Is rude to waiters and other service people

Just curious about the one I bolded. Sounds like it has to do with personal experience for you, but I like meeting friends of someone I'm dating? (Just not EVERY time we get together obviously)

[jm5855]

Most men with first name ending with an "ee" sound:

Ronnie
Vinny
Pauly
Sully
Eddie

Any guy wearing:

Baggy jeans halfway down his ass
Wife beater t's
Bling around his neck
Bandanas
Sleevelss shirts if not working out
Jorts
Zumbas
Socks paired with flip flops

Any guy that just left a relationship and is ready to jump into another one.
Any guy that has only bad things to say about his family.
Any guy whose friends are mostly unemployed knuckleheads.
Any guy who thinks UFC is the greatest thing the world has ever seen.
Any guy who would prefer tooling around in his garage or making sure his lawn is emmaculate rather than spending time with you.
Any guy who is a chronic smoker.
Any guy who cant drink without turing into someone completely different.

Any guy who says stuff like:

"I dont want no goddamm steak sauce with my steak!! I like the taste of steak."
"Well my mom makes it the way I like it"
"Something came up, can you make my car payment this month?"
"I thought you were trying to watch what you eat"
"You'll look so hot once you lose 20 pounds"

[blackkitty]

How could I forget about the BANDANAS!!!!!!!!!!

[achase123]

May 21, 2012 14:24:34 GMT -5 nextchapter said:

Doesn't have a sense humor, or has a really crude sense of humor

Constantly comments on your appearance (good and bad)

Takes you on dates to places where his friends are hanging out

Asks really personal questions right off the bat

Wants to meet your friends and family too soon

Makes self depreciating comments

Never looks directly at you/looks you in the eye

Is rude to waiters and other service people

I like the bolded one a lot. J did not have a sense of humor and it was...awkward. I felt like the biggest goofball in the world next to him and every conversation had to be serious and deep. That's definitely great and there's a time/place for it but really? Sometimes I just want to watch a goofy movie and laugh my ass off! We watched two really funny movies and I don't think he cracked more than a smirk the whole time (The Hangover and The Babysitter).

[starburst604]

May 21, 2012 14:42:38 GMT -5 achase123 said:

May 21, 2012 14:24:34 GMT -5 nextchapter said:

Doesn't have a sense humor, or has a really crude sense of humor

Constantly comments on your appearance (good and bad)

Takes you on dates to places where his friends are hanging out

Asks really personal questions right off the bat

Wants to meet your friends and family too soon

Makes self depreciating comments

Never looks directly at you/looks you in the eye

Is rude to waiters and other service people

I like the bolded one a lot. J did not have a sense of humor and it was...awkward. I felt like the biggest goofball in the world next to him and every conversation had to be serious and deep. That's definitely great and there's a time/place for it but really? Sometimes I just want to watch a goofy movie and laugh my ass off! We watched two really funny movies and I don't think he cracked more than a smirk the whole time (The Hangover and The Babysitter).

I would say the vice-versa of this is true for me also. Someone who can NEVER be serious. Had a bf where EVVVVVERYTHING was a "joke" or "I'm being sarcastic, god!!" He would make biting comments but veil them with sarcasm, and when I would call him on it I "just didn't get his sarcastic sense of humor". I know it's not exactly "douchey" behavior but it was fucking annoying, because I know I have a good sense of humor. He just wasn't funny.

[starryfish]

May 21, 2012 15:05:47 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 21, 2012 14:42:38 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I like the bolded one a lot. J did not have a sense of humor and it was...awkward. I felt like the biggest goofball in the world next to him and every conversation had to be serious and deep. That's definitely great and there's a time/place for it but really? Sometimes I just want to watch a goofy movie and laugh my ass off! We watched two really funny movies and I don't think he cracked more than a smirk the whole time (The Hangover and The Babysitter).

I would say the vice-versa of this is true for me also. Someone who can NEVER be serious. Had a bf where EVVVVVERYTHING was a "joke" or "I'm being sarcastic, god!!" He would make biting comments but veil them with sarcasm, and when I would call him on it I "just didn't get his sarcastic sense of humor". I know it's not exactly "douchey" behavior but it was fucking annoying, because I know I have a good sense of humor. He just wasn't funny.

My ex-bf did that too. Especially when he insulted me but always said he was "joking" which looking back I dont think he was. I think there was some truth to his "joking" and he just tried to "mask it"

[prettyinpearls]

--Surrounds himself with others who make him feel better about himself (i.e. loser friends with no jobs, live at home, etc.)
--Always has an excuse for everything as to why something wasn't his fault
--Never lets his phone out of his death grip
--You see him lying about things to other people (read: he'll lie to you, too)
--Complains about people who are "above" him (bosses, friends with careers, family who are successful)

[elleb]

"I dont want no goddamm steak sauce with my steak!! I like the taste of steak."

This is just funny.

I'm not exactly the best with spotting red flags (seeing as though my STBXH was one big one), but I feel like a guy I met this weekend showed me a really great (albeit obvious) one....he talked, repeatedly, of how much he enjoyed strip clubs. He was dead serious, and he kept calling it "church" - as in, "I'm heading to church after this to give to the needy *wink wink*"

[blackkitty]

Because of my track record, I ordered a book yesterday called:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved

I'll fill y'all in if I learn anything else valuable!

[kaneen]

So I was kinda kidding with my list but I agree with what Bowies said wholeheartedly.

[BookLover]

May 21, 2012 14:39:57 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

Most men with first name ending with an "ee" sound:

Ronnie
Vinny
Pauly
Sully
Eddie

Any guy wearing:

Baggy jeans halfway down his ass
Wife beater t's
Bling around his neck
Bandanas
Sleevelss shirts if not working out
Jorts
Zumbas
Socks paired with flip flops

Any guy that just left a relationship and is ready to jump into another one.
Any guy that has only bad things to say about his family.
Any guy whose friends are mostly unemployed knuckleheads.
Any guy who thinks UFC is the greatest thing the world has ever seen.
Any guy who would prefer tooling around in his garage or making sure his lawn is emmaculate rather than spending time with you.
Any guy who is a chronic smoker.
Any guy who cant drink without turing into someone completely different.

Any guy who says stuff like:

"I dont want no goddamm steak sauce with my steak!! I like the taste of steak."
"Well my mom makes it the way I like it"
"Something came up, can you make my car payment this month?"
"I thought you were trying to watch what you eat"
"You'll look so hot once you lose 20 pounds"

Thank you for this list!!!

[BookLover]

May 21, 2012 15:28:22 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Because of my track record, I ordered a book yesterday called:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved

I'll fill y'all in if I learn anything else valuable!

Another good one is "The Sociopath Next Door". I read it for class, but it ended up being an awesome read for everyday stuff too.

[explorer2001]

Lacks a grip on reality. Ex. recent date is a dance instructor was complaining about how tough it was to make rent, then started talking about how he'll make millions when he is ready to settle down and have kids. Yeah he had no skills or reason to think so, then insisted he could and would and it would not be legal but maybe not ethical when I asked how he planned to do that.

Thinks the world is out to get him/it's always someone elses fault.

Antifeminist/sexist, racist, homophobic, antichoice, bigot

Puts others down

Denies unpleasant things/history

Refuses to acknowledge mistakes, imperfections

[explorer2001]

Controlling

Gets angry if you aren't waiting by your phone and don't answer immediately even when they know you are busy.

[blackkitty]

May 21, 2012 16:19:03 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

Refuses to acknowledge mistakes, imperfections

Oh, that's the other thing this latest douchebag did, he would go on and on about how great and upstanding and honest he was. And he was the biggest lying liar who lies that I have ever met! He told me all guys just wanted me for sex but he was the only guy that didn't even want to have sex with me.

[BookLover]

All and all, a Douche-canoe is a sociopath.

Here is a list of ways to identify a sociopath. This list is from "Profile of a Sociopath." Is is a pretty good list of sociopathic indicators.

Glibness/superficial charm
Manipulative and conning
Grandiose sense of self
Pathological lying
Lack of remorse, shame or guilt
Shallow emotions
Incapacity for love
Need for stimulation
Callousness/lack of empathy
Poor behavioral controls/impulsive nature
Early behavior problems/juvenile delinquency
Irresponsibility/unreliability
Promiscuous sexual behavior/infidelity
Lack of realistic life plan/parasitic lifestyle
Criminal or entrepreneurial versatility
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Narcissism, grandiosity (self-importance not based on achievements)
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

[achase123]

May 21, 2012 16:25:47 GMT -5 BookLover said:

All and all, a Douche-canoe is a sociopath.

Here is a list of ways to identify a sociopath. This list is from "Profile of a Sociopath." Is is a pretty good list of sociopathic indicators.

Glibness/superficial charm
Manipulative and conning
Grandiose sense of self
Pathological lying
Lack of remorse, shame or guilt
Shallow emotions
Incapacity for love
Need for stimulation
Callousness/lack of empathy
Poor behavioral controls/impulsive nature
Early behavior problems/juvenile delinquency
Irresponsibility/unreliability
Promiscuous sexual behavior/infidelity
Lack of realistic life plan/parasitic lifestyle
Criminal or entrepreneurial versatility
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Narcissism, grandiosity (self-importance not based on achievements)
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

These are great. I recently read that book as well as "How to Spot a Dangerous Man". Both are excellent reads. I highlighted all of XH's characteristics. Scary!