Something is seriously wrong with me.

[Deleted]

I was going to post this under an AE but changed my mind. My friend IRL who is on the board will figure out it's me anyway. Sorry this is long

My youngest is 16 months old and my oldest is almost 3. With older baby he was super calm and easy and although I was very sleep deprived for the first year, I handled motherhood very well. I used to see moms wigging out and think "what's the big deal, am I missing something?".

Well, fast forward to today and I literally had to walk out of my kid's room because I grabbed his pillow and was about to shove it over his face to get him to stop crying - the 3 year old. I do not feel right and haven't for a long time - noises/sounds like them banging toys around but especially the kids screaming or whining sends me into an instant rage. I scream in a scary voice that freaks even me out, my heart races and recently I was so angry (not at the kids, someone else) that my vision went all tunnelly and blurry. But it's like psychotic b/c it comes out of NOWHERE and then a minute later I'm calm again. I'm not actually feeling angry at the kids, but my body and mind freak out. Does that make sense...? I have panic attack feelings in my chest when the baby cries out from his crib at night. DH and I had sex and I literally said to him "I am dead inside". I thought connecting w/ DH would make me feel better but I felt nothing.

I thought I could power through all this and have been relating to all of these outbursts like it's just me failing at having 2 small children and a stressful life but after today I'm freaked out that there is something REALLY wrong w/ me. DS2 was a very difficult baby and didn't STTN until recently. I have fantasies of abandoning the whole family and flying off to be alone where I can sleep and no one will bother me. I love my family dearly but I can't understand why I seem to be totally disengaged emotionally from them. I literally spend all day (I am a SAHM) wishing everyone would leave me alone while at the same time being angry and resentful that no one is helping me.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I am just feeling defeated and ashamed today. I am seeing a therapist starting soon - at least I realized it was finally time to get some help.

I do not understand how this is happening to me. I am doing a fairly good job of "hiding" this behavior and these feelings from those around me (at least I think I am) which makes me feel even worse. Ugh.

[niki]

I am so sorry you are feeling so down, but you need to get into a doctor right away.

[satama]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to call your doctor, as soon as possible. Some of that sounds like anxiety, mixed with some other stuff maybe. I know my anxiety sometimes manifests as anger. Please call someone to come help you and get out of the house for a while if you can. Can your DH come home early?

[hannamaren]

At least tell your H. But a doctor is imperative.

As you get a handle on your self, maybe SAH isnt for you. i could see myself there as a longterm SAHM. I think a lot of us could.

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2012 14:03:31 GMT -5 @peggyolson said:

I'm sorry you're going through this. When are you seeing your therapist?

I would get in to see an actual doctor/psychiatrist ASAP.

Next week. I went to my OB 2 weeks ago and they set up an appointment for me 3 weeks out I've been just trying to hold it together. If you saw my post - my family of origin (dad and brother) have been really abusive and piling on the last 2 months or so which I think is what sent me over the edge from irritable to crazy.

You guys are scaring me. I am embarrassed.

[cjeanette]

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope your therapist can help.

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2012 14:04:44 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

At least tell your H. But a doctor is imperative.

As you get a handle on your self, maybe SAH isnt for you. i could see myself there as a longterm SAHM. I think a lot of us could.

I agree with you actually. My long term plan is not to SAH, I'm finishing school and then planning to go back to work.

[niki]

No! Don't be embarrassed! But you need to understand that acting on these thoughts (grabbing the pillow) means emergency, not wait a week.

[ijack]

Don't be embarrassed, be proud you realize things aren't right. You definitely need to talk to your husband and I would actually call the doctor and tell them that you need to be seen NOW.
Hugs.

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2012 14:06:54 GMT -5 niki said:

No! Don't be embarrassed! But you need to understand that acting on these thoughts (grabbing the pillow) means emergency, not wait a week.

I did leave the room, but yes - the act itself scared me and I guess that's why I posted.

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2012 14:06:04 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

I agree with you actually. My long term plan is not to SAH, I'm finishing school and then planning to go back to work.

I'm sorry you're going through this. While you're finishing school and looking for a job, I think it's important for you to take time out for yourself. It sounds to me like you need a serious break from the kids. Can you hire a babysitter for a few hours a week?

eta: I also concur about calling a doctor asap.

[ohgillian]

Oct 26, 2012 14:05:10 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Oct 26, 2012 14:03:31 GMT -5 @peggyolson said:

I'm sorry you're going through this. When are you seeing your therapist?

I would get in to see an actual doctor/psychiatrist ASAP.

Next week. I went to my OB 2 weeks ago and they set up an appointment for me 3 weeks out I've been just trying to hold it together. If you saw my post - my family of origin (dad and brother) have been really abusive and piling on the last 2 months or so which I think is what sent me over the edge from irritable to crazy.

You guys are scaring me. I am embarrassed.

You don't need to be embarassed. You do need medical help. I am concerned if the therapist you are seeing is not a psychiatrist, because it sounds like you need a psychiatrist. (This coming from someone who has a psychiatrist.)

FWIW, when LO was about 8 months old, I found myself frighteningly ragey, and an increase in my antidepressants helped. I had never experienced those types of symptoms before.

ETA: I ditto the PPs; this can't wait a week. And you may think we're overreacting, but please consider that your judgement might be clouded right now with everything you are dealing with.

[minzy]

Do not feel embarrassed, it took courage to post this and it is good that you recognize this is a problem. Can you try calling the therapist to see if you can move your appointment up, or try a different one? Can you call the ob's office back? Can your husband come home early today?

[hannamaren]

I agree with others. It is hard to admit things like this.
you are the best Mom because you are trying to protect your kids.
Brave. And strong.

[Deleted]

You deserve to be happier than you are.

(hugs) Get the help you need.

[cjeanette]

Also, I am glad you posted this. I think it is great when people talk about the darker parts of their life. Maybe someone else who has felt this way will read it and not feel so isolated.

[xokell2]

Don't be embarrassed!

Definitely call and get your appointment moved up. You should also call your local hospital or county for a crisis line number to get someone to talk to. They can help you process what your feeling in the interim. I just want to give you a big hug, it isn't easy and you're not alone.

[jackpackage]

Oct 26, 2012 14:22:35 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Also, I am glad you posted this. I think it is great when people talk about the darker parts of their life. Maybe someone else who has felt this way will read it and not feel so isolated.

I was going to post the same thing.
({) sir (}) Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. I'm glad you recognized something isn't right and are taking the steps to get help.

[Kore]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to truly internalize the fact that this is not your fault. This isn't a norm that other moms are able to control & you're not trying hard enough. There are chemicals in your brain making things a lot worse than they should be. I'm proud of you for recognizing this & reaching out. Please take care of yourself. Call your OB again & beg if you have to. Explain to them the thoughts you're having. You need to be seen ASAP by someone who can prescribe meds.

[Deleted]

Thank you everyone. I welled up reading your responses. DH worked the overnight shift and is sleeping (as are both kids). I will talk to him when he wakes up and call to move my appt up if I can. In the mean time I need to be honest w/ DH so he knows what is happening. Thanks :heart:

[niki]

Oct 26, 2012 14:36:28 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Thank you everyone. I welled up reading your responses. DH worked the overnight shift and is sleeping (as are both kids). I will talk to him when he wakes up and call to move my appt up if I can. In the mean time I need to be honest w/ DH so he knows what is happening. Thanks

({) (}) Keep us updated and take care of yourself!

[ohgillian]

Oct 26, 2012 14:36:28 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Thank you everyone. I welled up reading your responses. DH worked the overnight shift and is sleeping (as are both kids). I will talk to him when he wakes up and call to move my appt up if I can. In the mean time I need to be honest w/ DH so he knows what is happening. Thanks

Sounds good. If you find it too hard to talk to him about it, just show him this page or print it off and hand it to him.

[definitelyO]

I agree with everyone else. it's good to admit this and recognize that you can't handle it by yourself - you should feel a small weight lifted knowing that you are taking the right steps. but for this weekend - not sure if your DH's work schedule. can you take the entire day or day and overnight to be alone? be by yourself and get some quiet? and a break?

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2012 14:53:27 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

Oct 26, 2012 14:36:28 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Thank you everyone. I welled up reading your responses. DH worked the overnight shift and is sleeping (as are both kids). I will talk to him when he wakes up and call to move my appt up if I can. In the mean time I need to be honest w/ DH so he knows what is happening. Thanks

Sounds good. If you find it too hard to talk to him about it, just show him this page or print it off and hand it to him.

HOW DID YOU KNOW? haha. I think that's why it's gotten this far... I've been ashamed to admit I've been a bad mom to our kids but he is a great guy and cares about all of us, so why would he do anything but help me? Sigh.

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2012 14:57:17 GMT -5 definitelyO said:

I agree with everyone else. it's good to admit this and recognize that you can't handle it by yourself - you should feel a small weight lifted knowing that you are taking the right steps. but for this weekend - not sure if your DH's work schedule. can you take the entire day or day and overnight to be alone? be by yourself and get some quiet? and a break?

Yes - DH works a crazy schedule and has been gone most of this week which is part of the problem. My in laws are going to take the kids all day Sunday so I can be alone.

[DarcyLongfellow]

Do NOT be embarrassed. Recognizing how you're feeling is important, and talking about it is the only way to make it get better.

Definitely talk to your husband. When I first thought I had PPD/PPA my DH thought I was crazy, but as I talked to him about it more (and he saw how much I improved with therapy and medicine), he became very supportive. He's the first one to tell me know if he thinks I'm acting depressed again -- he'll encourage me to take a walk, etc. to try to feel better.

It's hard because it's Friday afternoon, but I would call up the doctor and tell them exactly what you told us and see if you can get your appointment moved up. Also, I may have missed it, but are you seeing a psychiatrist? Other doctors (including your OB) can prescribe antidepressants, but none of them are as well trained in it as an actual psychiatrist.

[ohgillian]

Oct 26, 2012 14:57:34 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Oct 26, 2012 14:53:27 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

Sounds good. If you find it too hard to talk to him about it, just show him this page or print it off and hand it to him.

HOW DID YOU KNOW? haha. I think that's why it's gotten this far... I've been ashamed to admit I've been a bad mom to our kids but he is a great guy and cares about all of us, so why would he do anything but help me? Sigh.

...because I spent a lot of time in very dark recesses of my mind, mental-health wise.

I also should have added that you might take your printout to your appointment with you, in case you get there and suddenly think nothing is so bad and you describe it too lightly. I definitely did that once or twice at therapy.

[ohgillian]

Oct 26, 2012 14:58:50 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Oct 26, 2012 14:57:17 GMT -5 definitelyO said:

I agree with everyone else. it's good to admit this and recognize that you can't handle it by yourself - you should feel a small weight lifted knowing that you are taking the right steps. but for this weekend - not sure if your DH's work schedule. can you take the entire day or day and overnight to be alone? be by yourself and get some quiet? and a break?

Yes - DH works a crazy schedule and has been gone most of this week which is part of the problem. My in laws are going to take the kids all day Sunday so I can be alone.

Do you have ideas for what you're going to do with the day alone?

[Deleted]

I'm going to recommend that you take yourself over to the ER and get yourself admitted. 3-5 days in patient therapy probably could do you a lot of good and get you started on meds if needed.

If you go to the ER you'll be seen right away

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2012 15:03:20 GMT -5 @septimus said:

I'm going to recommend that you take yourself over to the ER and get yourself admitted. 3-5 days in patient therapy probably could do you a lot of good and get you started on meds if needed.

If you go to the ER you'll be seen right away

Seriously? OMG.