Question for EBFers

[Brie]

How do you deal with the inherent inequality in parenting duties that comes with EBFing?

I find myself starting to resent DH a little bit because I have to do EVERY middle of the night wake-up. He's really great and will usually get up with me and do a diaper change, re-swaddle, and get me whatever I need while I get ready to feed him, but that takes 5 minutes and he can go back to sleep. BFing and getting him back down is sometimes an hour-long process and it doesn't make any sense for us both to be awake for it.

I pump some and have a good freezer stash, but when he is fussy he just wants the boob to calm down, and a bottle doesn't do it. I have been getting out of the house without the baby a few nights a week to work out which has been great.

Anyway, I don't know that there's a great solution or anything, but any coping strategies are appreciated.

[Deleted]

Some things in life, like pregnancy and breastfeeding, just aren't fair. The best thing to do is stop expecting it to be, and get on with it.

My DH is lovely and helpful, but he can't breastfeed and that has meant that the work related to DS has been well over 50% mine. There are days when it's been smothering, but overall.... I can't imagine not breastfeeding and not doing what I've done. For me, it's been worth it and now that DS is getting older, things are equalizing.

[Deleted]

My DD never took a bottle so it wasn't even possible for DH to do any middle-of-the-night stuff.

This may sound a little Debbie Downer, I guess, but honestly there's not much you can do about it. It is one of the inherent inequalities of having a baby--much in the same way that my DH gets to live a normal lifestyle right now while I am microwaving deli meat, avoiding alcohol, cooking through my nausea and food aversions, vomiting, etc. etc. It just is, and there's no way to make it fair.

The time you are going through right now really is a very short time. I don't know if you believe in CIO sleep training or not, but one thing that was GREAT for me as a breastfeeding mom was that when it was time to "Ferberize" DD at 5.5-6 months old, it was entirely DH's responsibility to handle the process. I had nothing to do with it because a nursing mom isn't supposed to go in to pat/console a breastfeeding baby--the baby will get more worked up because he or she will expect to be fed.

I also felt like there was no sense in both of us being up and miserable in the middle of the night when we didn't both have to be. On days when he was home (during his parternity leave and on weekends) he took primary care of the baby during the day and I took the opportunity to nap. He also did more of the housework, cooking (more like reheating frozen food) and other stuff during that time to make my load easier.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not. But the thing to keep in mind is this really is a short time you are going through, and it will end and parenting duties will be inherently easier to split.

Good luck. Newborn time is not my favorite for many reasons.

[Brie]

Nov 17, 2012 13:00:07 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Some things in life, like pregnancy and breastfeeding, just aren't fair. The best thing to do is stop expecting it to be, and get on with it.

Truth.

I think I just wanted to whine, LOL.

[ECB]

You're resenting for your DH for something he literally can't control? That's what I find unfair.

Yes, BFing makes the care unequal, but... that's a part of BFing and having a kid.

If you're really resenting him,then I'd start working on getting your baby onto bottles so that your DH can take some of the work. If you dont' want to move to bottles,then you HAVE to stop being pissed at your DH for something he simply can't control.

[MamaMaui24]

This is the hardest time. Once baby eats solids, Dad can have a more equal feeding role.

Hang in there!

[Deleted]

Nov 17, 2012 13:05:57 GMT -5 ECB said:

You're resenting for your DH for something he literally can't control? That's what I find unfair.

It is maybe an unfair way to feel, but I don't think that makes it any less legitimate. The first few months of having a baby are so hard, and even harder if you are EBFing. I had terrible PPD with my daughter and I think a large part of it was due to the fact that I HAD to EBF; I had no choice about it because my DD refused bottles. It was a huge burden for me and really challenging to bear, especially with postpartum hormones and the huge life adjustment that comes from having a baby.

If OP is screaming and raging at her DH about this and otherwise treating him unfairly that is a different issue, but I think it is perfectly OK for her to feel resentful and vent about it here. OP, I should have said in my post too that it may help for you to talk to your DH about it. I sure did--I told him that I knew it wasn't a "fair" way to feel but that it was so hard for me to be solely responsible for every meal my newborn had and that I resented that he had it so easy. He listened to me in a loving and understanding way and was glad I shared with him how I was feeling, so he could help out in other ways.

This is a sensitive topic for me since I had SUCH a hard time with it when my DD was a newborn.

[pugz]

maybe once you go back to work in January you guys can alternate who gets up with him at night. He'll be taking a bottle at daycare and you will be pumping so as long as there's enough to give him a middle of the night bottle you could do that?

[arch01]

Nov 17, 2012 13:13:21 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

Nov 17, 2012 13:05:57 GMT -5 ECB said:

You're resenting for your DH for something he literally can't control? That's what I find unfair.

It is maybe an unfair way to feel, but I don't think that makes it any less legitimate. The first few months of having a baby are so hard, and even harder if you are EBFing. I had terrible PPD with my daughter and I think a large part of it was due to the fact that I HAD to EBF; I had no choice about it because my DD refused bottles. It was a huge burden for me and really challenging to bear, especially with postpartum hormones and the huge life adjustment that comes from having a baby.

If OP is screaming and raging at her DH about this and otherwise treating him unfairly that is a different issue, but I think it is perfectly OK for her to feel resentful and vent about it here. OP, I should have said in my post too that it may help for you to talk to your DH about it. I sure did--I told him that I knew it wasn't a "fair" way to feel but that it was so hard for me to be solely responsible for every meal my newborn had and that I resented that he had it so easy. He listened to me in a loving and understanding way and was glad I shared with him how I was feeling, so he could help out in other ways.

This is a sensitive topic for me since I had SUCH a hard time with it when my DD was a newborn.

:Y: :Y:

I attempted to EBF in the beginning-I know where you're coming from. I knew in my head that I was DS' primary source of food (he had to be supplemented, but it was boob first...) and it's HARD not to whine in the middle of the night when you're up for the 4th time and DH can roll over and go back to sleep.

If you have a good supply, I'd encourage you to build up your stash a bit and get DS to take a bottle, if possible. Our LC really encouraged us to do that so DH could do 1 night feeding and I could get a stretch of 4-5 hours of sleep. It made a huge difference in my outlook and attitude about it all.

[Brie]

Nov 17, 2012 13:13:21 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

Nov 17, 2012 13:05:57 GMT -5 ECB said:

You're resenting for your DH for something he literally can't control? That's what I find unfair.

It is maybe an unfair way to feel, but I don't think that makes it any less legitimate. The first few months of having a baby are so hard, and even harder if you are EBFing. I had terrible PPD with my daughter and I think a large part of it was due to the fact that I HAD to EBF; I had no choice about it because my DD refused bottles. It was a huge burden for me and really challenging to bear, especially with postpartum hormones and the huge life adjustment that comes from having a baby.

If OP is screaming and raging at her DH about this and otherwise treating him unfairly that is a different issue, but I think it is perfectly OK for her to feel resentful and vent about it here. OP, I should have said in my post too that it may help for you to talk to your DH about it. I sure did--I told him that I knew it wasn't a "fair" way to feel but that it was so hard for me to be solely responsible for every meal my newborn had and that I resented that he had it so easy. He listened to me in a loving and understanding way and was glad I shared with him how I was feeling, so he could help out in other ways.

This is a sensitive topic for me since I had SUCH a hard time with it when my DD was a newborn.

Yeah, resent is probably not the right word. I just look at him sleeping and I'm like, "aww, man, lucky, I wish we could trade for a few nights."

And I am dealing with PPD, too--the meds are helping a lot, but I still occasionally have freakouts where it's like, OMG, I am solely responsible for this whole huge part of his existence. PP is right, it's just a big life shift that can feel kind of heavy, since it's not something I can really share with H like we normally would.

I have talked to H about it, and he knows how I'm feeling. It's really not a huge deal but I wanted to nip it in the bud before it got out of control.

[fortmyersbride]

It's all about delayed gratification

I EBF'd both kids. We never did bottles at night b/c I was worried about clogged ducts or diminishing supply. DH never woke up with the kids when they were infants b/c I didn't see the point of both of us missing sleep. So I handled all of the night wakenings before age 1.

But, this was all with the understanding that they became his responsibility when they night weaned. So, last night DH was up with a fussy DD and I never heard about it. Same thing 2 nights ago. In fact the first I saw of DD was when DH left for work this morning and brought her into our room to drop her off. He's been very good about taking over the night stuff with both kids once they no longer needed to BF at night, and it was well worth the two years of getting up with infants.

[atouchofklasse]

I also felt that way and hated it. My husband and I were used to splitting everything and I felt all the burden was on me.

I didn't mind being pregnant because I could go about my life. EBFing negatively impacted my life and ability to do the things I wanted to do.

Hugs. It's hard.

[Deleted]

Do you co sleep? I didn't feel that way initially bc we were co sleeping so middle of the night feedings were so much easier. I just played on my phone lol. But H did what yours does - Diaper change, etc. if DS didn't go back down after eating (rare in those days) H would get up.

Even though the feeding was unfair, H made it up as best he could - he stayed home a bit later in the AMs and would take DS downstairs so I could sleep for an extra hour or two. He picked up a lot of the slack around the house (I have just started cooking again regularly, h was doing it all.). H recognized that I was bearing more of huge feeding burden and adjusted his behavior accordingly.

I also think in a weird way having a c section helped. Those first few weeks, feeding DS and going to the bathroom were enough effort. H did everything else.

Anyway, now I am starting to feel some of that resentment bc DS only wants me at night anyway, even if he's not eating. I just remind myself this is temporary, it means he's bonding, and he will be a daddy's boy soon enough. (Okay I'm not quiiiite that zen about it but I try lol.)

[Brie]

Nov 17, 2012 13:29:31 GMT -5 fortmyersbride said:

It's all about delayed gratification

I EBF'd both kids. We never did bottles at night b/c I was worried about clogged ducts or diminishing supply. DH never woke up with the kids when they were infants b/c I didn't see the point of both of us missing sleep. So I handled all of the night wakenings before age 1.

But, this was all with the understanding that they became his responsibility when they night weaned. So, last night DH was up with a fussy DD and I never heard about it. Same thing 2 nights ago. In fact the first I saw of DD was when DH left for work this morning and brought her into our room to drop her off. He's been very good about taking over the night stuff with both kids once they no longer needed to BF at night, and it was well worth the two years of getting up with infants.

I really like that idea! I will definitely bring that up with him.

Yeah, and me STTN is probably not a great idea either. C did a 9 hour stretch the other day and I was in serious pain when he woke up anyway.

[Deleted]

We keep DS in a cradle right next to me. When he wakes up, I can get him out of bed and next to me to feed without even sitting up. Once he's done I can lean over and put him back in if he is sleeping and feels dry. If he needs to be changed, calmed, or have a good burp, I wake DH and hand him off, them roll over and go back to sleep. I'm usually out cold before DS is even back in his cradle.

[Brie]

Yeah, he sleeps in the RNP next to me, but he is not a generally sleepy baby so it can be a pain to get him to go back to sleep. He does lots of fake-outs, like "oh I'm asleep my eyes are totally closed...wait NEVERMIND!" And he loses his shit if his diaper is at all wet, so we do need to change him every time he gets up.

[Deleted]

I get your frustration, but there really isn't anything you can do about it, so you just have to move on. I feel like you have posted several times about your DH getting up first and doing laundry, bathing the baby, getting breakfast, etc while you sleep in. If my DH was taking on all that stuff while I was still on maternity leave, I would be thanking my lucky stars!!! So just try to focus on the positive, I guess!

[froggy76]

Yeah, it's hard and isn't fair. I gave up on having DH help me at night because there was no sense in both of us getting up. We were better off if at least he was well-rested and could handle everything else during the day (cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, laundry.)

[Deleted]

I don't think it's unreasonable to have some jealousy/resentment for someone that gets to sleep when you don't. I had plenty. I never took it out on my husband, but of course I wished I was him. He had it freaking easy.

RE: diapers, are you using something with a stay-dry liner yet? Pockets are way better than fitted/prefolds if you have a baby that complains about being wet. Or even switch to disposables at night. Sleep is king.

[slug*bug]

Nov 17, 2012 13:03:15 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

This may sound a little Debbie Downer, I guess, but honestly there's not much you can do about it. It is one of the inherent inequalities of having a baby

I found this to be true, as well.

To his credit, DH tried incredibly hard to pick up slack wherever he could (he could somehow magically wake up when I finished a feeding to put them back down for me...I never could've done that) so it helped cut down on the resentment.

I did resent giving up my lunchtime freedom to pump when I went back to work: I relished my one chance to get out and run an errand or two during the day and it didn't work when I was pumping. I don't think he every fully appreciated what a PITA pumping in general was for me, but he did make every effort to tell me how much he appreciated what I was doing for the kids. It didn't make it equal-not even close-but it definitely helped when I was stressed about it.

[holly116]

My kids have never really taken a bottle either, so this is month 36 in a row, of either being pregnant, or nursing, or both. I need a good honest drunk badly

From my experience, this is one for the positive column for having two under two, or pretty close in age in general. So you could try that!

Once I got pregnant the second time around, DH really had to step up with DD and around the house. I just physically could not do it all or even my share at certain points. And it's continued on now that we have two.

It's man-to-man defense around here and DD is "his kid". If she's up in the middle of the night, his kid. If she's acting like a two year old at church and needs to be taken outside, there's no looking at each other to decide who will take her out, his kid! If she needs help cutting up and eating her dinner, his kid. Now, obviously I'm busy with DS and its not like I never attend to DD or the opposite, but like anything else, if you're both working and busy and can commiserate, it just feels more balanced.

Plus, there are certainly times where DD is the more challenging of the two!

[w2w]

I didn't bf, and I did 100% of the middle of the night feedings. At first b/c I was on mat leave and then when I went back to work because it didn't affect me nearly as much. I think you just need to try to let go of the idea that everything will be 50/50. Now that our child is older, my husband does a lot more. But at the beginning, I was just better at it (probably flameful). On bad nights, he would get up really early and let me have a 2-3 hrs chunk of time to sleep. You'll get through it and kind of forget about the bad parts. That's how you end up having more than one kid .

[curbsideprophet]

When DD was that age I did not even get out of bed. DH got up, changed her and brought her back to me. I feed her, she would typically fall asleep and I would put her in the co-sleeper next to the bed. DH also did a majority of the diaper changes in the beginning since I was doing all the feeding. I think DD was at least 2 weeks old before I changed a diaper.

Now, I still nurse DD before she goes to bed. This, combined with DH working from home a lot means he does most of the dinner cooking. It is frustrating at times, but it does get better.

[Brie]

Nov 17, 2012 15:05:16 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I don't think it's unreasonable to have some jealousy/resentment for someone that gets to sleep when you don't. I had plenty. I never took it out on my husband, but of course I wished I was him. He had it freaking easy.

RE: diapers, are you using something with a stay-dry liner yet? Pockets are way better than fitted/prefolds if you have a baby that complains about being wet. Or even switch to disposables at night. Sleep is king.

Yeah, the type of diaper doesn't seem to matter much to him. We usually use fitteds or double-stuffed pockets at night. Being wet won't wake him up, but he won't go back to sleep with a wet diaper.

[arch01]

Nov 17, 2012 16:53:23 GMT -5 Brie said:

Nov 17, 2012 15:05:16 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I don't think it's unreasonable to have some jealousy/resentment for someone that gets to sleep when you don't. I had plenty. I never took it out on my husband, but of course I wished I was him. He had it freaking easy.

RE: diapers, are you using something with a stay-dry liner yet? Pockets are way better than fitted/prefolds if you have a baby that complains about being wet. Or even switch to disposables at night. Sleep is king.

Yeah, the type of diaper doesn't seem to matter much to him. We usually use fitteds or double-stuffed pockets at night. Being wet won't wake him up, but he won't go back to sleep with a wet diaper.

DS was the same way. I laughed every time someone suggested to just feed and not change, changing was mandatory with DS

[Saudade]

Well my DH works at night so that helped a lot. Had he been home, I'm sure I would have felt more resentment. Cosleeping helped a lot too because I could just go back to sleep. However, it was me and DS alone in a king bed.

On weekends when DH would be home I would get angry because he would try to get up and help but he wouldn't know our routine so it was very irritating for me.

And honestly, it wasn't something that bothered me too much because I don't work so I felt like it helped make up for not working/providing for the family.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I think your feelings are totally normal. I SAH, so I really felt like I needed to do the nighttime parenting so DH could be rested for work.

But then, I'd be so mad at him in the middle of the night! I remember distinctly, DD was tiny, and I was changing her diaper before a middle of the night feeding. She was absolutely screaming her head off, and DH was not 5 feet away sleeping soundly. I had to stop myself from throwing something at him, and I'm pretty sure I did start yelling at him. Not my finest moment, but I was so miserable and sleep deprived that I just couldn't believe he was sleeping through that!!

My plan for #2 is to put DH in charge of DD at night (not that she usually needs anything) and to bed share with the baby in the baby's room (I don't feel comfortable bed sharing in our bed because it's too plush plus our two dogs sleep with us). I'm really hoping this gets me more sleep!!

[gibbinator]

Our system involves me getting up at night, then on the weekend I get a shift off Saturday and Sunday mornings and get to sleep in 3 extra wonderful glorious hours while H takes care of ds between feedings.

[jena]

When #1 was tiny, dh used to take her walking at 5am after she nursed because she was up for the day. Got me an hour of uninterrupted sleep. He still does morning duty with the older two.

His efforts went a long way to making me less resentful.

Sent from my HTCEVOV4G using proboards

[Deleted]

I don't mind the MOTN feedings so much...but it drives me bonkers that DH can sleep through any fussing on the monitor, which is on his nightstand. He is more than willing to get up to soothe DD back to sleep, but I would have to wake him up to do so. Which means I would wake up anyway...so it's just easier and faster for me to take care of it.