Comparing yourself to your mom

[drloretta]

No. She's a great mom, but she had her own issues while we were growing up (Dad in the military so gone a lot, PPD and PPA, etc). Not to mention things were just different when we were growing up.

I don't see how you're going to automatically F up your child. And I don't see how getting the bad piece of chicken or writing notes are going to make or break your child.

[Saudade]

No. I hope to be a better mother and worry frequently that I will do some of the major things she does.

What is a bad piece of chicken?! I grew up vegetarian.

[Deleted]

My mom is an awesome role model, though not necessarily in a mothering sense. Don't get me wrong, she loves us and would do anything for my sister and I, but she lacks a certainaternal instinct and femininity. She is, however, an excellent businesswoman who taught me the value of smart finances, education, planning ahead and many other working-mom role modely things.

I hope to walk a line in between.

[rootbeerfloat]

I love my mom a lot and had a super functional childhood, but I guess I don't see my mom as an ideal that I need to live up to. I think it's normal to compare, and like anything else, there are things that she was probably much better at (cooking and making sure we ate healthy are the first things to come to mind). But I'm pretty good at certain things, too, like planning fun activities for my kids. She even complimented me once when I was throwing goody bags together for DS's class because she never did those things for us; obviously, that's pretty trivial, but she admired my effort.

I'm sure you will be self-sacrificing, though. It just happens!

[h]

Yes. My mom was/is incredible. Like best mother ever. I try not to compare myself to her too much, as I fear I will never live up to the example she set. I would settle for being half as good.

I am just happy my kids get my mom for a grandma.

[scribellesam]

Nov 20, 2012 17:27:57 GMT -5 h said:

Yes. My mom was/is incredible. Like best mother ever. I try not to compare myself to her too much, as I fear I will never live up to the example she set. I would settle for being half as good.

I am just happy my kids get my mom for a grandma.

I'm with hens. My mom is amazeballs. I definitely hold her up as my role model for mothering.

[cjeanette]

I don't compare my parenting to anyones really. My mom is a great mom but she had her flaws. There are similarities and differences.

[hocus]

I don't compare myself much but I feel like I understand my mom a whole lot more. I look at the good and try to emulate it and I look at the bad and hope to do better.

[savannah11]

My mom always made sure we felt loved and wanted and safe. I strive to provide the same for my kids but I don't focus on the little details. Everyone is going to parent differently.

Becoming a mom has made me much more appreciative of the things my mom did. I just wish she was still around to tell her.

[bunch]

No. She was a great mom, but there are lots of ways that I want to be different than she was.

[Deleted]

My Mom and I were just talking about this this afternoon. She was so hyper diligent with me. Always worried I was too warm or too cold or unhappy or whatever. She is really big into self sacrifice = love. She watches DS now while I work and though she is more " dotiing " on him then I am, she is much less so to him than she was to me ( example she rocked me to sleep until I was 7 WTF??) I asked her if she thought I was a bad Mom because I don't do all the things for DS she did for me ( we sleep trained at 7 months, I let him fuss a few minutes before checking on him ect.) She said that she thinks I am a better mother because I don't do what she did. It was really interesting, because here I thought I was lazy and she thinks I am somehow more evolved. LOL

[Deleted]

Yes I do--I don't measure up on the practical stuff--cooking, cleaning & all homemaking stuff at all. My mom is completely different personality than me in that regard (much more disciplined!). I used to say I wouldn't snap like her but I do sometimes--so I have her quick temper flaw. I think I'm not quite as demanding. I don't ignore my kids as much as she did--between home stuff, smoking & talking on the phone she really didn't interact much with us. I'm more affectionate I think. My mom also had bouts of depression & had a terrible marriage--I am trying really hard not to follow in this but I can see how it could happen. Overall she was a good, sacrificing, hard working mom but she had flaws. I'm sure ill be good & bad too.

[bunch]

This is funny, I have never thought of this. I must think I'm like the world's best mom or something. My mil is like you described and is always sacrificing for her kids and thinking of them first, but my husband never washed a dish when he lived at home, so I don't really thank her for that. I guess there are ways I'd like to be like my mom or mil, but I'm pretty confident doing it my way, too.

[madringal]

Yes I compare myself in good and bad ways. My mom died before my girls were born, but she was just the BEST mom in the world. She was totally the 'take the bad piece of chicken" mom. She told us all the time how much she loved us and made us feel so special and loved. She is the reason that I know that I can do whatever I put my mind to. She gave me confidence and taught us to be independent (which I think are the BEST gifts you can give three daughters). I hope I do all those things for my girls.

My mom grew up in Iran and in a village where girls didn't go to school past the 6th grade. She married my dad and then they moved to the US in 1974. My dad started cheating on her promptly upon arriving on American soil. She was trapped. She was in a country that she didn't know, with no family, and 3 babies. All throughout our lives, she was whispering in our ears "You are going to get an education, and one day you will have choices and options." We never understood until we were older what she meant by that. But us going to college was the ultimate dream for my mom. She knew that if we all had college degrees we would never be "trapped" in a bad marriage.

I hope I am the type of mom that makes my girls dream big. I hope I teach them that the whole big world is out there and they can do ANYTHING. That no one can hold them back. And that I will love them, and support them even if I am gone too soon. I hope I teach them that love is so much more then just being married. That having a real realtionship is built on being with someone that respects you, and would never hurt you.

Oh - and I compare my cooking to my moms all the time. Not exactly as good, but it gets better every year.

[w2w]

My mom was a really good mom. Totally the selfless type and loves children. When she came to visit after my child was born, she wanted to get up with him at night so I could sleep. I was like, hmmmm, not going to let my almost 70 year old mother do that. But she totally would have done it and never complained about it. I will never be as selfless as she is. But I don't think that is necessary.

[cinco]

My mom was a teacher, and many of the things that made her a good teacher made her an amazing mom. She is patient and rarely yelled. I struggle daily with these things. I don't compare though. I think there are things I probably do better than my mom, so it evens out. Plus they get a kick ass Dad, two awesome Grandmas, a fun Grandpa, and aunts and uncles. Our "village" makes up for my shortcomings

[CloudBee]

My kid isn't here yet, and I already know I'm going to be amazing compared to my own mother. There isn't much about my childhood that I will repeat with my own son.

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2012 17:27:57 GMT -5 h said:

Yes. My mom was/is incredible. Like best mother ever. I try not to compare myself to her too much, as I fear I will never live up to the example she set. I would settle for being half as good.

I am just happy my kids get my mom for a grandma.

I agree with this. The only thing I hope to differently is show my children more of the world. I'd like them to be pretty well-traveled before college. I did not even get on a plane until junior year of HS and that was to go to Pittsburgh for a speech competition.

[Deleted]

My mom was/is a great mom but we are very different ( in some ways lol in others we are twins) so I don't worry about being as good as her per se, bc I know I will be a different kind of mom. But I do use her as a role model.

[madringal]

Nov 20, 2012 18:02:35 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

madringirl - I teared up a bit reading that. How very sweet. I am sure your mom would be very proud of you!

Thanks

[starlily]

Nov 20, 2012 17:36:34 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

I don't compare my parenting to anyones really. My mom is a great mom but she had her flaws. There are similarities and differences.

Ditto.

[krystee]

madringal, your mom sounds amazing. I am sorry for your loss.

My mom is awesome. She made her three kids feel loved and cherished and important at every moment, while also being an incredibly loving and fun wife, a great employee and a great daughter. I know for sure I won't compare, so I try not to think about it!

[moonstone523]

I haven't compared my parenting style to my mom's (yet).

My mom gives me something to strive for though. I had a natural birth because my mom did. I breastfeed because my mom did (among the obvious other reasons). I hope that my daughter looks up to the decisions I made one day.

[carolinagirl831]

Maetin girl, what an great story!

[carolinagirl831]

Sorry I can't seem to edit that! Madringirl

[GailGoldie]

In many ways i'm a better mother than mine... and in many ways I'm worse- i don't really compare and certainly never worry about it... I just do the best I can do on any given day - and I think I'm a pretty damn good mother (and think my mom was a great mom, too).

[froggy76]

I've never thought about it and am oddly confident about my mothering ability.

My mother was (still is) a terrible cook, worked FT, not super nurturing or crafty. But she was the BEST mom. IMO, you don't have to be a self-sacrificing Susie Homemaker to be a good mom. Actually, those are not qualities that I admire. My mom taught me to be independent and confident. She was also very open and honest with me. I plan to raise DD almost exactly how my mom raised me.

[Deleted]

My mom is/was great but I don't really compare myself to her. More like use her as a role model.

[justjen]

My mom is awesome -- really fun and totally laid back. Like, she still watches The Real World and can talk about Taylor Swift's romances. She went to see Magic Mike with a gaggle of 30-year-olds who she works with. I love that about her.

She stayed at home my whole life (she became a substitute teacher when I was 19), cooked every night, rarely yelled, just really took good care of us. And she's such a great friend.

I hope to emulate a lot of that (I still watch The Real World too!). But I also plan to work. So just by definition there we're destined to be very different mothers. I feel like my mom sacrificed a lot of the power in her relationship by staying at home. My dad tends to make the financial decisions he wants, and while he'll listen to her opinion, he does what he wants in the end. I think he has a feeling that he earned it, so it's his responsibility to allocate it. My dad is great, but that's not the kind of relationship I want.

Also, I don't cook.

[jessnpaul]

In some ways I think I'm going to be a better mother than my mom. Not that my mom was a bad mom... I was fed and clothed and all that good stuff. But my parents divorced when I was 6 and then my mom remarried when I was 8. He was verbally abusive (and sometimes physically abusive but not to me), which didn't make my tween and teen years a whole lot of fun. She finally kicked him to the curb but I had to wait until college for that but they had a child (my half-brother) so unfortunately I'll never get away from him entirely. Ironically, now that I'm old enough to have plenty of self-confidence, now he tells me I'm like the greatest person ever. Whatevs!!!

I also felt very sheltered which made life tough for me sometimes. I was always the one with the earliest curfew, the one who never got to watch any of the shows/movies my friends got to watch (I'm talking about "Growing Pains" here... not anything crazy), etc. I'd also get frustrated as whenever I started to tell her a story, it was honestly like she didn't care to listen, so I stopped telling her stuff (it's the same to this day). I like to think I'm a more caring person and hope to have a better relationship with my child than I have with her.