Once you take a break... your marriage is over. I wonder how time you two will pretend that that's not the truth.
Ouch. I'll be honest that stings because that's one of the reasons he gave as to why he's angry and doesn't want me to stay with my parents. He's saying I'm deciding whether or not this marriage ends, and that's just a whole lotta pressure and it's freaking me out.
Please. He decided the moment he started acting like a dick angry at a possession instead of a husband in love with his wife.
Once you take a break... your marriage is over. I wonder how time you two will pretend that that's not the truth.
He's saying I'm deciding whether or not this marriage ends, and that's just a whole lotta pressure and it's freaking me out.
Still more manipulation. You aren't deciding whether or not the marriage ends. He's already done that by being a champion asshat. You are deciding if you want to have a healthy mental life or not.
I suggest you roll in like gangbusters with your newly dyed hair, toss your wedding ring in his face, and stroll right out cooler than a milkshake in a snowstorm.
Keep the engagement ring though as payment for pain and suffering.
What do you think you should talk about? What's on your list?
I would start by asking how he likes your my new hair color and then tell him that you are staying at your parents until you decide otherwise and that is not up for discussion.
OMFG he said he'd divorce you for coloring your hair? Run away from this douchbag FAST.
He is controlling and manipulative doesn't want you to have any sense of personal identity or freedom which is why he doesn't want you having any personal time or ability to change your looks.
The fact that you are apparently not special to him and he just wants a relationship whether its with you or not, screams narcissistic controlling fuckwad and you need to run away from him and get into some hardcore personal counseling.
I don't know why you'd even consider going back to someone that controlling...although, I suppose when you're being controlled by an asshole you don't notice it until someone points it out to you.
Also, when you roll out of that place, you head right over to a lawyer and discuss how to get proceedings started and how to get your shit.
Then you call up your biggest, broadest shouldered friends, brothers, coworkers, and acquaintences and you go get your copy of Underworld and anything else in that house that rightly belongs to you.
Please listen to the advice your getting here. Don't even bother trying to talk to him, HE WILL NOT LISTEN. He doesn't care what you have to say he only cares that he "wins" because thats how he thinks of your marriage. Its a game that he wants to control and you are his pawn and nothing is going to change him. Anything you say he is just going to twist around to make you feel like the bad guy.
He just gave you the upper hand, by telling you it was your decision. He thinks you are going to come home and do everything his way so that you don't leave again. So now you can take over the driver's seat and do things your way. You are out, and stay out. And meet in a public place, or bring someone with you.
please say you're seeing a counselor. Because they're the ones who can help you break this cycle.
We've been seeing a couples counselor. She's the one who helped me recognize the cycle and my role in it. It was an amazing eye opener. I really do want to change it, I don't want to live that life anymore. The problem is he does (who can blame him? He always got what he wanted) and we're struggling with what to do about that.
Please give yourself some credit for doing the work and recognizing things you need to change for yourself to be a happy, whole, healthy person. Part of that, though, is recognizing that he isn't doing anything other than continuing the same ridiculous demands.
Another tip - trust your gut. If it feels wrong, then it probably is. If it makes your gut do a flip-flop/queasy feeling, even if its just for a split second, THAT is what you need to listen to. Its one of the hardest things to re-learn, but you can do it!
I didn't see it mentioned, but I'd be concerned that eventually this will turn physical. Please look up the cycle of abuse and see if any of that applies to your situation.
I think that when you see him (after coloring your hair, of course), that you need to tell him that you've made your decision after this week and you're done.
I'm just sorry you are dealing with this I'd show him up, wouldn't even go tonight. Go see a movie with friends instead. Partly because that'll really chap his controlling ass and partly because you don't need him manipulating you or clouding your head right now.
I appreciate all the 'fuck him get the hell outta there!' comments, I really do, but they're just making me freak out even more. I mean, this is a 6 year history of communication patterns and habits formed. This is the dude that wouldn't look at me when I wore some sunglasses I liked but he didn't like (for reals) and when I wear the ones he likes (I didn't like) I get 'your so pretty I love those etc etc'. So my response was to throw away the sunglasses he doesn't like. -___-
Obviously I have issues, I get that. I'm working on it with a counselor. But right now I don't have the power to be all 'FUCK YOU ASSHOLE'. I just don't, yet. So what are some tactics that maybe I can do?
-- What do you think you should talk about? What's on your list?
I'm not sure. I know we need to talk (says the counselor). Ignoring the issue isn't going to help. I am strong enough to know/say that. I guess I would want to talk about what I need from him as far as more of an effort to work on things? And admit that I need more time with my family while that happens? (Though I think imoan is saying that's futile?)
... because you don't need him manipulating you or clouding your head right now.
I'm really worried about this, I know he has the ability to do that (not maliciously, I don't think). But at the same time I feel obligated to do so. Otherwise we're just waiting, right?
Until you have the power to tell him to go fuck himself, you need to stay as far away from him as possible. If you go back to him while you're vulnerable... you'll stay with him. And it's only a matter of time before he starts hitting you. He's a cliche and it's GOING to happen.
I know this sucks... but there is NO fixing someone like this. And I know that's a hard thing to admit. The guy who made you fall in love with him in the first place... he never existed. He was playing a part until he knew he had you... and then his true colors came out. This is who he is... this is who he will always be.
Your job now is to protect yourself (both physically and emotionally). I would just keep telling him you need more time until you feel strong enough to end this thing once and for all.
... because you don't need him manipulating you or clouding your head right now.
I'm really worried about this, I know he has the ability to do that (not maliciously, I don't think). But at the same time I feel obligated to do so. Otherwise we're just waiting, right?
Honey, you keep saying that. I think you need to realize that yes, controlling every aspect of your life and physical appearance is, indeed, malicious.
You do have that power though. Just because you're freaked out by something doesn't mean it can't be done. If you don't have the power to tell this jackwagon to stick his face in a vat of lemon juice and barbed wire, then just don't go to the meeting. Stay with your parents and on Tuesday morning, ask them to accompany you to a lawyers office.
This man is emotionally and verbally abusive and not to make your freak out even worse, but this is a man who will eventually hit you and make you believe it's your fault.
If you do anything that we've told you here, stay home from this meeting. That's all you have to do now is nothing.
Dude... he's not going to put in any more effort and he's not going to listen because this isn't about you&him , in his head its just about him and getting what he wants.
You say you don't have the power to walk away right now, but you do and the only reason you think you don't is because he has led you to believe its true. You really need some one on one counseling without him to help you establish a sense of self because right now you're just his doormat.
If you don't have it in you yet to tell him to fuck off, then I just wouldn't show up. If he asks you where you were, tell him you were getting your hair colored and had a night out with friends (and actually color your hair and go out with friends).
I think in this case, being passive-aggressive is okay. You don't owe him anything.
I think you need to realize that yes, controlling every aspect of your life and physical appearance is, indeed, malicious.
As is ignoring you when you wear sunglasses he doesn't like, or when he threatens divorce over haircolor. How can these actions NOT BE malicious?
"Learned behavior" or not - he knows what he's doing and it IS malicious.
And really, I can't chalk this up to learned behavior. Someone else said it- he is probably a narcisist and there is no "fixing" that. Yes, he became that way because of his parents, but it's not a learned behavior he can unlearn. This is WHO HE IS to his core.
Yeah, I figured you weren't there yet. That's ok. It should say something to you that everyone is this angry for you. You should be angry, too.
Do you feel strong enough even to meet him tonight? You can cancel. You can even talk over the phone. Where are you planning to meet him? Are you at all worried about your physical safety? Even a little bit?
I do think that dying your hair would be a good signal that you are thinking of yourself for a change and not just him.
I also think that individual counseling would be a good idea for you. It will give you a chance to work out what you want to say and to work on putting yourself first. Something tells me that you are going to need a LOT of practice on that one.
Tell him that you are staying with your family until further notice. Tell him that you will no longer be living your life for him alone, but you will be doing what you need to do to make yourself happy. Tell him that you will no longer put up with the manipulation and put downs. Tell him that this is not up for discussion or negotiation, but that's how it's going to be and if he can't get on that train, then he is welcome to get off. Like PP said, if he starts dating, that shows you exactly how much effort he is willing to put into your marriage.
Post by sparkles17 on May 25, 2012 12:05:37 GMT -5
DO NOT GO AND TALK TO HIM TONIGHT ALONE!!! If your counseler thinks that the two of you need to talk, then it needs to be during a counseling session, especially with the state of mind that you are in right now. I know this, because I was you. I stayed in relationship for nearly 10 years to the exact same man that you are currently married to and now 3 years later I still have so many issues stemming from just how much he screwed me in the head.
And if he says he wants to go to couples counseling... DO NOT GO. I can't stress this strongly enough. DO NOT go to any marriage counseling session. You need to go to individual counseling and he CERTAINLY needs to go to individual counseling (although I'd bet my cat's life that it wont actually DO anything for him). But by NO MEANS are you to agree to marriage counseling.
Post by Daria Morgandorffer on May 25, 2012 12:08:01 GMT -5
You know, I once dated a douchebag like this. When I finally realized what he really was, and I finally got the courage to dump him, his initial response was "you know that if you do this I'm going to go have sex with other people right?" because he knew that jealousy was my weakness. It took until that moment to really click for me that this was a bad dude.