You have already done possibly the hardest part in moving out. Even if you think you want to mend things, your subconscious was like let's get the fuck out of here, and you did. You need to have faith in yourself that you did that for a reason. You need to focus on moving forward, and that your last 6 years were spent experiencing a life that wasn't healthy, and that you don't want to do again. It wasn't a waste. You won't lose anything by cutting ties and ignoring/ avoiding that guy while you focus on yourself. You have everything to gain by not seeing him. Everything. If your counselor really thinks you should talk, then insist that your only meetings with that guy be with the counselor.
And he's that guy, not your husband. A man like that, is not a husband.
Your mistakes in the past do not have to dictate your future. Just because it took you a while to stand up for yourself doesn't mean you can't do it now. Forward momentum. Get pissed!!! Are your parents supportive? You mentioned your upbringing is part of the reason why you feel like you put up with his shit for so long. If they aren't then I think you need to power through and get into individual counseling as well. I agree with the PP's, stay away until you feel like you are strong enough. You've put your own needs on the backburner for so long it's time to finally put you first. He's made it clear that he is not going to do that... (Hugs)
You really do not have to go meet him. I'm really non-confrontational too (IRL). You can send him a brief email saying that you don't want to talk about this anymore, or that you've decided you should go your separate ways, and then be done with it.
I'd be hella nervous meeting him too! I don't know what you two have to really say to each other and I think its fair to assume that it's going to just be another fight and stay unfinished.
DO NOT GO AND TALK TO HIM TONIGHT ALONE!!! If your counseler thinks that the two of you need to talk, then it needs to be during a counseling session, especially with the state of mind that you are in right now. I know this, because I was you. I stayed in relationship for nearly 10 years to the exact same man that you are currently married to and now 3 years later I still have so many issues stemming from just how much he screwed me in the head.
He wanted to meet at a restaurant and have dinner, so it will be a public place. I'm a little nervous about it involving dinner because of the time commitment while talking about such things. haha
I am trying to decide if I can cancel. It's difficult because I know he'll be upset with me if I do. Yes I recognize how ridiculous that is.
Has your counselor advised you that you are in an abusive relationship?? Has she told you to gtf out? If not I'd start looking for a new counselor~!~ You are being abused... You need to start looking at your relationship as something that is NO good for you 100%. There is no fixing an asshole.
Post by wrathofkuus on May 25, 2012 12:20:27 GMT -5
Leave before the check comes, and take your leftovers with you. This can be made easier by bringing some Gladware to the dinner so you don't have to wait for the waiter to wrap it up for you. It's always best to some prepared.
Who gives a fuck if he's upset with you?! Are you going to live the rest of your life doing things to not make the person who is supposed to love you the most in this world upset?
He pretty much let you know it was over when he told you he would start dating someone else in a week if you didn't return. He's either already doing it or has someone in mind. Don't bother going back, let someone else deal with his shit.
Please don't go. You cannot allow him to wine and dine you and pretend he's just wooing his poor, wayward wife home.
He is not. He sees you as a possession that belongs in his house, under his thumb, following his direction and all times. And he will do whatever he can to get you back there.
Has your counselor advised you that you are in an abusive relationship?? Has she told you to gtf out? If not I'd start looking for a new counselor~!~ You are being abused... You need to start looking at your relationship as something that is NO good for you 100%. There is no fixing an asshole.
The counselor has been seeing us for about 6 months and I've seen her individually 2 or 3 times when he couldn't make it. She recognizes that we both have issues to work on and believes his come from an extreme fear of abandonment/rejection. (I think the lightbulb hit when we were talking about how he doesn't want me going out without him and he said "I got married so I wouldn't have to be alone". She told me she really does believe we can get through this if we work on our issues. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm hesitating to end things right now? Maybe it's still fixable?
Post by partiallysunny on May 25, 2012 12:25:53 GMT -5
I have nothing useful to add, because I think everyone else has already said it all. Just, good luck. This man isn't fixable. He isn't fixable because he wants the life he has, he sees nothing wrong with how he treats you and the patterns you have already established. Even if it is learned behavior, it is still malicious. He knows what he is doing and sees nothing wrong with it.
Please, please, PLEASE, to not meet him tonight. Get individual counseling for yourself and go from there.
Has your counselor advised you that you are in an abusive relationship?? Has she told you to gtf out? If not I'd start looking for a new counselor~!~ You are being abused... You need to start looking at your relationship as something that is NO good for you 100%. There is no fixing an asshole.
The counselor has been seeing us for about 6 months and I've seen her individually 2 or 3 times when he couldn't make it. She recognizes that we both have issues to work on and believes his come from an extreme fear of abandonment/rejection. (I think the lightbulb hit when we were talking about how he doesn't want me going out without him and he said "I got married so I wouldn't have to be alone". She told me she really does believe we can get through this if we work on our issues. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm hesitating to end things right now? Maybe it's still fixable?
Have you told her about your hair? The sunglasses? The overall manipulation? He's very likely manipulating the entire session to make it seem fine and fixable. She can't see what's really going on at home if she's not given a clear view. You don't need permission or validation from anyone to leave him.
He sent you to your mama's house and won't let you come home until you promise to make him some pot pie instead of having a normal, balanced life??
Fuck this douche. Fuck him hard and don't go back to that manipulative jackwagon.
Also, I'd be damned if I'd let some blowhard put me out of the house because he can't stand having anything less than my complete and undivided attention at all times. No, bitch, YOU go stay with YOUR parents, fucker.
DITTO!! You need to RUN ..fast as hell... away from this controlling, manipulative, insecure, assclown. I can't even type half of what I want to say right now because my blood is boiling. But, I do want to add that the fact that he is pulling all these ultimatums out his ass about possibly dating other people.. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like he already is and he's making excuses to put it on YOU to make it YOUR fault that he's doing so. I know, I've been there. Hugs.. please do the right thing for yourself. I know it's not easy, but if you don't love you.. who will?!
You don't even have to tell him you're not going. Just don't go. I'd also not even stay at your parents house tonight if possible. You need to be somewhere he won't come looking for you, and ignore your phone for the night.
Has your counselor advised you that you are in an abusive relationship?? Has she told you to gtf out? If not I'd start looking for a new counselor~!~ You are being abused... You need to start looking at your relationship as something that is NO good for you 100%. There is no fixing an asshole.
The counselor has been seeing us for about 6 months and I've seen her individually 2 or 3 times when he couldn't make it. She recognizes that we both have issues to work on and believes his come from an extreme fear of abandonment/rejection. (I think the lightbulb hit when we were talking about how he doesn't want me going out without him and he said "I got married so I wouldn't have to be alone". She told me she really does believe we can get through this if we work on our issues. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm hesitating to end things right now? Maybe it's still fixable?
This is no bueno.
You need a separate counselor for you. All on your own.
I don't think the counselor knows the extent of his manipulation and control over you, so of course she's going to say "Its fixable" .
You need to either have a one on one session with this counselor and tell her EVERYTHING, or find a new one and be completely honest from the get go about everything you've told us here.
And echoing the sentiment that you don't need to "cancel" tonight, just dont show up. You owe him nothing. Talking to him is just going to make you feel so guilty that you end up going and being miserable and manipulated as usual.
Yup that too. Don't cancel. No need to be polite to a douche. Don't even give him the opportunity to manipulate you, if you call he will, if you text or email he will. If you just don't show, you're really making yourself look like you're not going to be railroaded anymore.and I'm sure he'll still call and manipulate, but by then it won't matter because you'll be so stoked you finally did something for the good of you Do you have people who support you on this?
I know I'm coming to this post late - but I'd like to ditto everyone else.
Honey, you deserve better. And your counselor is either an idiot, or doesn't have the whole picture. If you've told him/her about the stuff you've told us about, he/she's an idiot. If you haven't, you need to. I can guarantee that he/she will tell you you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Also, I don't recommend going to dinner tonight for your own mental (and possibly physical) health. Most abusers get more dangerous when they realize that you're leaving - so just don't go - and tell your parents not to let him in either. If they won't support you in this, find someone who will and go stay with them.
OMG, that sunglasses thing! Have you ever read "Getting Rid of Bradley" by Jennifer Crusie?
I haven't. Google tells me it's a fiction novel..? Is it good?
It's a lot of fun. The details of it remind me a lot of your situation. Actually, it's staggering how many people's lives look like Jennifer Crusie novels, or maybe not, since she is a pretty good writer.
I'd recommend it. It's not her complete absolute best, but it's pretty good.
Post by liubotflittyfud on May 25, 2012 12:54:34 GMT -5
I would leave his ass, file for divorce, and get a PFA because he seems like a tool who would try to provoke harassment later down the line. Believe me, I know what it's like to be in a controlling relationship and many times it turns into physical or mental abuse which is what he is doing. Take him for everything he's got and move on. It'll be hard, and you will struggle for a while, but you will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF. Tell him peace and tell him to go fuck himself, then go to the gym, go out with your friends, and do for YOU.
Leave before the check comes, and take your leftovers with you. This can be made easier by bringing some Gladware to the dinner so you don't have to wait for the waiter to wrap it up for you. It's always best to some prepared.
I'm with everyone else on the not going thing. And with those that are telling you to stand him up.
What's he going to do? Be mad? Don't worry, he'll be mad about something anyway. And he'll manipulate you.
Alecto is right about the abusers getting violent once they realize the gig is up.
Please, PLEASE take care of yourself. Go out and do something fun or just stay in, if you'd rather do that but do NOT go. If he shows up at your parents' house, don't hesitate to call the police.