Meeting husband after a week's break and nervous

[rpark]

Okay without getting into a huge back story lemme sum up as best I can.

Age: me 28F, him 30M. Married 2 years, total relationship length 6 years. Been in counseling for about 6 months. We go once a week. I've been staying with my parents for 1 week as of today.

We've had issues for the whole relationship but I've always brushed them off. They all stem from the same pattern IMO, he has some controlling and manipulating tendencies (not maliciously, it's just the environment he was raised in and learned from) and I have fear of confrontation and people pleasing problems (from my upbringing). So issues arise, I would back down, he'd get his way. I was getting more and more unhappy so we started counseling. The main issue I had was he wanted to control things I didn't think he should be allowed to control. My free time, my physical appearance, and my hobbies/interests.

I've recognized my contribution to the unhealthy communication and am working on it. It'll take time, I know. I don't think he's doing the same. Last Friday he told me I was spending too much time without him and told me to stay at my parents for the weekend. He said I needed to decide if I would give up those activities to be alone with him more (gym time and friend time). On Sunday I said I couldn't make that decision yet, we should talk to the counselor about it. I also said I thought the time away was good because we weren't fighting. I asked for some more time and he got really angry saying he couldn't believe I would do that to him. I tried explaining that our current time together is filled with anger and resentment, and I thought it was better to control the time together so it was more pro-active and focused on healing. He doesn't agree.

Basically he said he'd give me until Friday to decide if I was coming home and if I wasn't he was going to start dating other people. He said he "wants to be in a relationship" and if I "wasn't going to be there he'd find someone who will be".

Well today is Friday and we're meeting up after work. I have no idea how this conversation will go and I am super scared. Guess I just needed to get all that out. (So much for the short version!)

Thanks for listening!

[motzie]

Basically he said he'd give me until Friday to decide if I was coming home and if I wasn't he was going to start dating other people. He said he "wants to be in a relationship" and if I "wasn't going to be there he'd find someone who will be".

This is another manipulation, you realize. Something like this can't be magically decided in an arbitrary amount of time. That last line is very telling, and it would make me want to tell him to get lost.

Is he willing to work on things WITH you, or is he just going to replace you because he wants to be in a relationship?

[Deleted]

Soooo... he just wants to be in a relationship with anyone, not necessarily you, just any ol' body will do? Why did he marry you if you're just some kind of stand-in?

Sounds like you're better off without him.

[katietornado]

What does your counselor say about this? I can't imagine he/she thinks your H is being appropriate here.

Telling you to spend less time with friends and at the gym (i.e. the things that you like doing) is controlling. Unless it's excessive (like you literally never see him), then it's not OK for him to say that to you.

He's making this all about him, and what "you" are doing "to" him. He's missing the mark entirely.

And threatening to start dating other people? Seriously? Why would you even think this could be salvageable? I wonder if he already has started.

[mortomo]

Since he doesn't have an issue with starting up dating after only a week of being separated, I would tell him to start dating and never go back to him.

There are quite a few things that you mentioned that would make me never go back, but that one would be the icing on the cake.

[rpark]

I didn't realize that it was another manipulation technique until later (lol I'm still learning!) but I do agree. I did my best not to acknowledge it and give in, knowing that was his goal (fight the cycle!). He then switched gears to say that he would send me a bill for half the mortgage/utilities /everything that I'd need to pay while I stay at my parents. (Pretty sure just another tactic to get what he wants = me staying).

My problem is not knowing what's an appropriate amount work to give. I recognize that my natural tendency is to say "well he needs this, and I can give it to him, so why wouldn't I?" But that isn't healthy for us when it's such extreme requests (The gym for example, I go 3-4 times a week or physical appearance = he won't let my dye my hair cause he doesn't think it'll be attractive).

I just feel like I can't trust my own thoughts and opinions and I don't know what's right. :/

[rpark]

May 25, 2012 10:53:17 GMT -5 motzie said:

Is he willing to work on things WITH you, or is he just going to replace you because he wants to be in a relationship?

This is something I am struggling with. I can't tell if he is or not. He tells me he is. He says him working on not being angry with me while I do things he doesn't like = him working on things.

For example, with the time off. The counselor said that it could be beneficial but she recommends scheduling time to see each other during it so that we don't just ignore the issues. So I brought up 'how about 2x a week we meet and talk'. He said anything longer than a week of me not at home and he was 'out'. He said giving me a week was compromising.

I feel super confused on both of those. lol. Is he right? Are those compromises? Am I crazy?

[kmw325i]

He's not working on shit. He's being manipulative. I'd be done with his ass.

[CrazyLucky]

I feel super confused on both of those. lol. Is he right? Are those compromises? Am I crazy?[/quote][/b]

No, that is not a compromise. It seems like he has way too much control and I wouldn't have any desire to stay with a guy like that. I ask DH's opinions, but he knows that there's a limit. If he ever "didn't let" me do something as insignificant and short term as dye my hair, we'd have real issues.

How are you finances presently organized? I do feel that even if you are living with your parents, you still are obligated to pay half of the cost of keeping up with the house, if that was the previous arrangement.

When you meet him tonight, tell him you have been doing a lot of thinking and haven't reached a conclusion. You will let him know when you do.

[Deleted]

He sounds very very controlling.
You should be able to do whatever the hell you want with your hair. And hello, why would you want to be around him when he's acting like this.
He's manipulating you, don't let it work!

[beebeeeater]

A week is nowhere near long enough to stay away from this douchelord. Get out, get out, get out. He is a manipulative snake and nobody should be in a relationship with him.

[gbck]

please say you're seeing a counselor.
Because they're the ones who can help you break this cycle.

[Muddled]

Walk away. He doesn't want you. He wants whatever he is trying to make you into. He is sttempting to isolate you from your support system and take you away from things that make you feel good.

It sounds like every single one of your compromises is one-sided. Why are you giving him all the control? Go to the gym because you want to, not because you are trying to reach some unattainable goal. Dye your hair if you want. Who cares if he doesn't like it as long as you do. Take control of your own life.

What are you planning on discussing when you meet him today?

And what's going on with your finances? He is sending you your share of the bills?? I don't understand.

[Deleted]

He sent you to your mama's house and won't let you come home until you promise to make him some pot pie instead of having a normal, balanced life??

Fuck this douche. Fuck him hard and don't go back to that manipulative jackwagon.

Also, I'd be damned if I'd let some blowhard put me out of the house because he can't stand having anything less than my complete and undivided attention at all times. No, bitch, YOU go stay with YOUR parents, fucker.

[rpark]

May 25, 2012 11:22:51 GMT -5 gbck said:

please say you're seeing a counselor.
Because they're the ones who can help you break this cycle.

We've been seeing a couples counselor. She's the one who helped me recognize the cycle and my role in it. It was an amazing eye opener. I really do want to change it, I don't want to live that life anymore. The problem is he does (who can blame him? He always got what he wanted) and we're struggling with what to do about that.

[mortomo]

If I were you, I'd dye my hair today for your meeting with him tonight.

[Dramasailor]

Light his ass on fire and ditch him in a sewer. This is a more constructive use for his carbon-based form than trying to salvage what will amount to your future as a doormat.

Honestly. This guy is vile and full of vitriol. Being around him will be toxic to your self esteem, not to mention your general welfare. I cannot see any reason to try saving this atrocity. Chalk the 6 years up to a learning experience, get out of the hellishness, and take back your life.

[rpark]

May 25, 2012 11:25:11 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

He sent you to your mama's house and won't let you come home until you promise to make him some pot pie instead of having a normal, balanced life??

Fuck this douche. Fuck him hard and don't go back to that manipulative jackwagon.

Also, I'd be damned if I'd let some blowhard put me out of the house because he can't stand having anything less than my complete and undivided attention at all times. No, bitch, YOU go stay with YOUR parents, fucker.

Okay the pot pie thing made me laugh! Thank you for that - I've been such a nervous wreck today that it felt good to chuckle.

[imoan]

Once you take a break... your marriage is over. I wonder how time you two will pretend that that's not the truth.

[OscarQ]

May 25, 2012 11:25:18 GMT -5 rpark said:

May 25, 2012 11:22:51 GMT -5 gbck said:

please say you're seeing a counselor.
Because they're the ones who can help you break this cycle.

We've been seeing a couples counselor. She's the one who helped me recognize the cycle and my role in it. It was an amazing eye opener. I really do want to change it, I don't want to live that life anymore. The problem is he does (who can blame him? He always got what he wanted) and we're struggling with what to do about that.

See the problem is that he's not struggling to do shit. You're struggling with how to change the dynamic when he's just fine with life as it is now. Get out. There's nothing to fix here because you're the only one willing to change.

[rpark]

May 25, 2012 11:26:21 GMT -5 mortomo said:

If I were you, I'd dye my hair today for your meeting with him tonight.

Ha! I love that. It's so sad to remember him looking at me straight faced and saying "I will divorce you if you do that".

[Deleted]

May 25, 2012 11:25:18 GMT -5 rpark said:

May 25, 2012 11:22:51 GMT -5 gbck said:

please say you're seeing a counselor.
Because they're the ones who can help you break this cycle.

We've been seeing a couples counselor. She's the one who helped me recognize the cycle and my role in it. It was an amazing eye opener. I really do want to change it, I don't want to live that life anymore. The problem is he does (who can blame him? He always got what he wanted) and we're struggling with what to do about that.

It takes two to make it work. If he's not willing to change then there is no relationship there.

Sorry, it sounds very difficult. But you deserve better! One that wants YOU to be happy first and foremost.

[Muddled]

May 25, 2012 11:25:18 GMT -5 rpark said:

May 25, 2012 11:22:51 GMT -5 gbck said:

please say you're seeing a counselor.
Because they're the ones who can help you break this cycle.

We've been seeing a couples counselor. She's the one who helped me recognize the cycle and my role in it. It was an amazing eye opener. I really do want to change it, I don't want to live that life anymore. The problem is he does (who can blame him? He always got what he wanted) and we're struggling with what to do about that.

WE are struggling? We??

Guess what? You can make a decision to get out all on your own.

[rpark]

May 25, 2012 11:27:37 GMT -5 imoan said:

Once you take a break... your marriage is over. I wonder how time you two will pretend that that's not the truth.

Ouch. I'll be honest that stings because that's one of the reasons he gave as to why he's angry and doesn't want me to stay with my parents. He's saying I'm deciding whether or not this marriage ends, and that's just a whole lotta pressure and it's freaking me out.

[ECB]

May 25, 2012 11:25:18 GMT -5 rpark said:

We've been seeing a couples counselor. She's the one who helped me recognize the cycle and my role in it. It was an amazing eye opener. I really do want to change it, I don't want to live that life anymore. The problem is he does (who can blame him? He always got what he wanted) and we're struggling with what to do about that.

I think going to the counselor, for him, is just more manipulation. he can use it to say "see? I'm trying". But he's not. he's really, really not.

It takes 2 to tango and he's not. It's your life, but I think I'd be telling him at a MINIMUM "I need more time", if not out and out "This isn't working".

If you say "I need more time" - he'll probably pull the "I'll start dating other women", I'd just say "Well if you do, then it will be clear to me that you really don't want to work on this marriage and that it really is over.". Put it on HIM.

Good luck.

[Deleted]

May 25, 2012 11:26:21 GMT -5 mortomo said:

If I were you, I'd dye my hair today for your meeting with him tonight.

Seriously. He just sounds worse the more you talk about him and the more I think you should just leave his ass.

[hubes]

You've done the hard part. You left. Don't go back.

[kmw325i]

May 25, 2012 11:28:54 GMT -5 rpark said:

May 25, 2012 11:26:21 GMT -5 mortomo said:

If I were you, I'd dye my hair today for your meeting with him tonight.

Ha! I love that. It's so sad to remember him looking at me straight faced and saying "I will divorce you if you do that".

If he wants to divorce you over your hair color, let him. You'd be better off.

[Deleted]

May 25, 2012 11:28:54 GMT -5 rpark said:

May 25, 2012 11:26:21 GMT -5 mortomo said:

If I were you, I'd dye my hair today for your meeting with him tonight.

Ha! I love that. It's so sad to remember him looking at me straight faced and saying "I will divorce you if you do that".

To which you should've replied, "Not if I get to a lawyer first."

[rpark]

I really appreciate all your words. I do. For months I've been thinking about how I can bend, what I can give on, how to meet in the middle. I've never really thought about what he's done and how he's improved. It's sad and scary but necessary.

Can I ask for some tips on what to talk about today? I'm such an emotional mess I'm worried the conversation will get led by him and I .. I dunno... I'll forget all this, I guess? I'm not sure what I'm worried about but I could use some help if anyone has it.