s/o leave

[Deleted]

I was really shocked to see in magpie's thread that most of your partners only took 2-3 weeks leave. I'm due in November and right now DH is planning to take the full 12 weeks allowed by FMLA (and CFRA, we're in California), and I'm going to take up to 18 weeks (6 weeks STD + 12 weeks CFRA). It's true that the majority of our leave is unpaid, but we've always been aggressive savers so we've got plenty to live on during that time.

So, a poll! I tried to think of all of the reasons why people would take a short paternity leave. I know that when DH told his boss he wanted to take the full 12 weeks his boss was kind of "oh, most people just take 2-3 weeks" like it was a bad thing for a father to want to spend more time with his newborn. So I'm just curious about your experience.

[hocus2]

My husband gets 4 weeks paid for paternity leave and 4 weeks of vacation. For kid 1 he took 6 weeks which really too much since my mom was there more of that 6 weeks. For kid 2 he took 2 weeks. My mom and my nanny where here for most my leave and so I got plenty of support.

Honestly once my kids sleep reasonably well caring for one of them was straightforward. There was no need for both of us to be home. Have you considered having you husband stay home for 11-12 AFTER your leave? After the first week or two tt might make more sense to have the leaves run back to back vs. concurrent.

[Saudade]

DH needed to save his PTO for school so he took a total of 2 weeks. 1.5 of that was to help me in the hospital and the rest to help a few days when I got home.

It also isn't the culture of his job and it would have been very much frowned upon to take any more than he did.

[rikki]

There is no way that FI could take the leave. I think he has a week of paid paternity leave, but I doubt he will be able to even use that. We've been on vacation this past week but at least 3-4 hours a day he has been working and he might work more once I am asleep.

What type of work does your H do?

[zarapipe]

When DD was born DH was hourly and was not eligible for FMLA and we could not afford him to go unpaid.

This time he is salary and will take one week.

[anna7602]

It would have been a career-killer for DH to take any more than the 2 weeks of vacation (not paternity leave, but earned vacation time) that he took to be home after DD was born. I'm not saying it's right, but it just would have been very looked down upon at his firm. It wasn't about whether we had enough in savings to deal with a 12-week unpaid leave, it was about whether we had enough in savings for him to quit his job then and move on. Or the desire to do so.

I have bitched and moaned a lot about DH's schedule on the boards, but I have to be honest and say that it is because of his job that I was able to eventually quit my own job and go freelance so I could have a more flexible schedule while DD is little. It's also because of his job that we've had the opportunity to live abroad. In the long run, those things are worth more to me than if he had been home for 12 weeks straight.

My personal situation aside, it doesn't seem that hard for me to understand that sometimes it's not realistic for both parents to take 12 full weeks of FMLA together.

[h]

He's not FMLA eligible, it would have hurt his career (he is expected to bring in his own clients and is paid based on how much he bills--being out for 12 weeks would probably have resulted in losing clients), and, frankly, we didn't feel like it was necessary. I was on leave, and my mom was around for much of my leave. We didn't need three adults hanging around the house all day, every day. He did work shorter hours and work from home more when we had new babies.

The men at my firm are entitled to 12 weeks, but no one ever takes more than 2-3 weeks. And, while wrong, I think it would very much be looked down on to take more than that.

[ryry]

I'm pretty sure I'd kill my husband if I was at home with him for 12 weeks. That sounds like torture for both of us

My DH didn't technically take any time, but he was a grad student, so it was a little different. I think my DD was an "easy" baby, but there just wasn't enough to do to warrant both of us being home...and since she was EBF and I was hesitant to introduce a bottle too early, there was even less for him to do. I think if you're both big on being completely equal partners in parenting, it makes sense, but it would not have worked out for us.

That being said, he did stay home with her for 3 weeks after I went back to work, so he got his alone time too.

[ECB]

When I had DS, DH had just left his job as an attorney. He was working VERY PT so he was home a lot.

But when he was an attorney - for one, his firm wasn't large enough to fall under FMLA and there is NO WAY they would have approved him to take extended time off. Even if it had fallen under FMLA, to leave his job for 3 months would have been very, VERY difficult.

Also, while you are a good saver, I would guarantee you that most people simply can't afford to have BOTH parents on unpaid leave.

I think it's wonderful when the dads can take an extended period of time off- I fele that it gets them much more involved w/ the baby and helps them learn their child. But still - I can also understand why it's so hard to make tha thappen.

[chickens987]

DH had been at his job less than a year when DD was born, and he is in a position where he can't really be out of pocket (IT director, small team). DD was born on a Friday and he was home with us until the following Friday when he had to go to an overnight board meeting. Then he was off Monday and back to work Tuesday.

Honestly, his job is flexible enough on the day to day (ability to work from home, flex hours if he needs them), that I wasn't too bothered.

[Deleted]

My husband is a college professor. It would be unfair to his students to not finish out this semester. He could have taken spring/summer off from teaching but the extra $ is just too good to pass up.

[crazygame]

My husband was working part time when our daughter was born and could set his own hours. He went back to work when she was less than a week old, but not every day. He started working full time when she was 1.5 months. At his current job, he'd be lucky if they gave him the day off for the birth, but his employer sucks.

I didn't even take a full 12 weeks off (went back part time at 8 weeks) and I think it is unusual(although not bad) for a father to take 3 months.

[Deleted]

DH took 4 weeks w/ # 1 and is going to take 3 with this one. He will be paid 55% of his salary through the state.

I have no maternity leave pay this time, so we're going to be dipping into savings.

I would look into the suggestion of a previous poster and have your DH take 2-4 weeks with you at the beginning and then the rest of FMLA after you are done with yours. It would keep the baby out of daycare longer and give you both binding time. I was fine on my own with DS after the 4 weeks with DH home.

[anna7602]

OP, you say you are "shocked." Do most men you know take the full 12 weeks of FMLA? Or for that matter, do most women? I don't think I know many men who did that, and I can think of several female friends who only took 6 or 8 weeks of maternity leave. It's hard for me to imagine being "shocked" by the information that most men don't take 12 weeks of FMLA when their children are born.

[Saudade]

Also, DH is the only one that works. We need his income.
I don't think my marriage would have survived if he had been home during DS' colicky phase. DH works nights and that was when DS was at his worst. It was much easier to deal with it on my own and call DH to cry, than to have him at home.

[Brie]

I think H's firm offers 6 weeks of paid paternity leave, but firm culture is that nobody takes more than a week.

Unfortunately, I delivered C right before he had a trial so it was just not feasible for him to take much leave. A partner literally called him while I was pushing.

[everam01]

He took a 10 day vacation when they were born and another few days off when my mom left town a few weeks later. He qualified for FMLA but didn't want to take unpaid leave. It's also frowned upon at his job to take extended leave, to be honest. 

[everam01]

I work in HR at my company, and literally 2 men have ever asked for FMLA for the birth of their children in the 8 years I have been here. I'm talking ANY FMLA. I don't know of any male who has ever asked for 12 weeks, even though they would be entitled. We don't offer paid FMLA but employees may exhaust their leave if they have enough.

[Deleted]

Apr 10, 2013 11:19:44 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

OP, you say you are "shocked." Do most men you know take the full 12 weeks of FMLA? Or for that matter, do most women? I don't think I know many men who did that, and I can think of several female friends who only took 6 or 8 weeks of maternity leave. It's hard for me to imagine being "shocked" by the information that most men don't take 12 weeks of FMLA when their children are born.

Ok, shocked may have been a bit strong, but the fathers at my company definitely took more than 2 weeks off. We had 3 women give birth last summer and they all took several months off. I guess I've also seen a large number of articles and discussions on sexism and "benevolent sexism" lately, so it just struck me as really strange that it was so uncommon for fathers to take that much time off whereas it's expected for mothers.

[Deleted]

Apr 10, 2013 11:07:26 GMT -5 rikki said:

There is no way that FI could take the leave. I think he has a week of paid paternity leave, but I doubt he will be able to even use that. We've been on vacation this past week but at least 3-4 hours a day he has been working and he might work more once I am asleep.

What type of work does your H do?

We're both software engineers, so for both of us taking leave just means that either the features we would have been working on get delayed or someone else works on them.

[dcn]

Someone had to bring home the bacon. Dh took the 10 days the Military gave him. Another week would have been nice but oh well.

[Deleted]

Apr 10, 2013 11:19:02 GMT -5 dbsk8dance said:

DH took 4 weeks w/ # 1 and is going to take 3 with this one. He will be paid 55% of his salary through the state.

I have no maternity leave pay this time, so we're going to be dipping into savings.

I would look into the suggestion of a previous poster and have your DH take 2-4 weeks with you at the beginning and then the rest of FMLA after you are done with yours. It would keep the baby out of daycare longer and give you both binding time. I was fine on my own with DS after the 4 weeks with DH home.

We might decide to stagger it a bit, or more likely try to have DH go back part time for a longer leave.

[Deleted]

Like Vimco, DH technically could take some leave, but it makes no sense to us for him to do so. He's a teacher, so he took a couple days off and worked a few more half days. I don't think men get anything under his contract; he had to use his two yearly "personal days" and take the rest unpaid. Because of the nature of his job, he also had to do the sub planning to skip work, which is almost worse than going to work.

I get paid a top-up to 93% of my wage while on leave. He would get nothing/very little other than EI, which is pretty little. So we'd give up thousands of dollars to split the leave.

The upside of teaching is he has summers and holidays, so we had plenty of family time. Being due in the summer this time, he'll be around for the first few weeks. Really, two SAH parents isn't necessary or desirable.

[Ashley&Scott]

DH took 2.5 weeks after the birth, 1 week at the end of my leave. He also took a few random days during my 8 week leave. His leave was unpaid so he used banked PTO. Since most of my leave was unpaid we decided DH should only take paid leave. In hindsight we would have been fine financially if he had also taken some unpaid leave & he would have enjoyed the additional time at home.

[Deleted]

Apr 10, 2013 11:11:15 GMT -5 ribollita said:

Are you sure it was "like a bad thing a father wants to spend time with his newborn"?

Maybe not that exactly, but it was definitely "why would you need more than 2 weeks" which implies more time is not necessarily good. Anyway, I'm definitely getting the vibe here that it's just a cultural thing that fathers aren't expected to take very much leave and it's kind of frowned upon to take it even when it's there. This makes me kind of sad.

[halfpint]

My H can take as many weeks of FMLA as needed, but since I'll be unpaid for at least half of my leave, we can't really afford for him to take more than what he has PTO to cover. I think right now he's planning on taking 3-4 weeks total - two when the baby is here, and one or two more after I go back to work.

I also think it would be hard on his career - he leads a team, and is in the middle of a major project right now - it will most likely still be demanding a lot of his time in August/September.

[lizrd7579]

DH took 1 week of vacation for both girls. With dd#2, company policy had changed and he actually got 2 days of paternity leave. And I had her on a Friday, so he was off for a week and a half. We work for the same company, so we got 12 weeks FMLA for each girl to be used between the 2 of us. If he used any of it, that would mean I wouldn't get the full 12 weeks for myself.

[starlily]

Special Snowflake: H got laid off during my third trimester, and intentionally didn't start looking for a job until DD was 4mo old. Having had that experience, he plans to take all 6 weeks of family binding time available under CFRA in CA.

Most guys I know take only 2-3 weeks, even though our office has a generous PTO policy. Sad but true, other guys give them the side eye if they take more than that off.

[jenjen]

DH isn't eligible for FMLA and only took 1 week off. He works for a super small business (family owned) and there is no way he could have that long off even if he wanted. He only gets 2 weeks paid vacation so we couldn't go that long without his pay. I didn't even take the full 12 weeks. I would have gone crazy if DH was home with me all the time.

Edit: i don't know of any dads at my company that have taken more than a week or two off for a birth.

[Mushe]

Apr 10, 2013 11:28:53 GMT -5 @jw28 said:

Apr 10, 2013 11:07:26 GMT -5 rikki said:

There is no way that FI could take the leave. I think he has a week of paid paternity leave, but I doubt he will be able to even use that. We've been on vacation this past week but at least 3-4 hours a day he has been working and he might work more once I am asleep.

What type of work does your H do?

We're both software engineers, so for both of us taking leave just means that either the features we would have been working on get delayed or someone else works on them.

MH works for a computer company, and I think this culture is definitely better for leave. He took 6 weeks PFL, after I was back to work. He also took about 10 days at the beginning. He really enjoyed having that time with our kiddo and plans to do it again when we have a second.

My job is way different; if I'm not here, lots of my projects don't move forward. (I'm an attorney). I took 4 mo with the first, though, and hope to do about the same when we have a second.