Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.
You did not do this! It's not your fault! Your H caused this with his actions.
Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.
Remember that you're not the one taking it away. He is by stepping outside of your marriage. You did *nothing* to cause this.
YES x's 100000000
HE is the one that is at fault here. You aren't taking anything away from him, breaking anything up, ruining anything, etc. This is ON HIM. HIM NOT YOU.
Big big hugs.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You have every right to feel however you are feeling right now. Take some time to come up with your game plan. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Hopefully your therapist can see you today.
Was he even drinking last night? Were their beer cans or wine bottlesaround Jim or in the trash? Not that it matters, but logistically it could have just been the first excuse that came to mind.
I am so sorry. Like others have said, this is not a one time I was drunk situation. He may not have acted on it yet but he will. Please be safe and have yourself tested. I'm glad you are going to speak to a therapist. (((HUGS)))
Could it be that he is bi and attracted to both men and women? Part of him has to be attracted to me, right? He wasn't pretending I was a guy when we were having sex, was he?
These are the god awful questions running through my head.
I wouldn't believe that he was drunk and just playing a role. He is gay. Honestly, even if therapy helps your relationship, it won't change the fact that he is gay and living in a marriage while trying to deny those feelings.
As hard as it is, I would leave.
Exactly what Daisy said.
I am so sorry your world has been turned upside down. But he is Gay. He needs to give you the respect enough to not cheat on you. Need a break dude? You got it.
Could it be that he is bi and attracted to both men and women? Part of him has to be attracted to me, right? He wasn't pretending I was a guy when we were having sex, was he?
These are the god awful questions running through my head.
Sexuality is not black and white. There is a very good chance he is attracted to you but also is curious about men.
For my own sanity I would just assume he did have sexual attraction to me. There is no reason for your head to go down the road thinking that he didn't.
Remember that you're not the one taking it away. He is by stepping outside of your marriage. You did *nothing* to cause this.
YES x's 100000000
HE is the one that is at fault here. You aren't taking anything away from him, breaking anything up, ruining anything, etc. This is ON HIM. HIM NOT YOU.
Yes yes yes.
Not your fault. And you are not taking his kids away. He can absolutely still have a relationship with his children.
We are supposed to celebrate my eldest's birthday this weekend and I have surgery next week where he is supposed to be the one taking me and driving me home. I don't know if I should have him not go or what. It's like my entire world is exploding and I don't what is going to happen. I hate this. God, I hope my therapist calls back soon. I told the answering service I am having a marriage crisis and need to be seen ASAP.
Post by cheeseandcrackers on Apr 26, 2013 8:48:41 GMT -5
I am SOOO sorry you are having to deal with this. It's just heartbreaking. I think he is bi, so I am sure he is attracted to you but probably wanted to explore the other side as well (if he hasn't before). Either way, I agree with you that it is cheating, and he was actually planning to go through with it. He was crying to you saying that he would rather die then not have his family together, but he is the one that is causing this, obviously he knows that flirting with other guys while you are asleep is not okay. I am so sorry again HUGS
Hugs I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now. But I have been pretty drunk.... and I am still straight. I don't know it seemed what he discussed and the details and sending a pic of his penis makes him more than curious.. That is my opinion.
I would really examine your time with him.. see if there are any other signs that maybe he is bi or gay. I do think what he did was cheating. and I would be hard pressed to trust him. Curious or not, he had intimate sexual conversations with someone outside the marriage and exchanged explicit photos.
I am glad you called your therapist. I am so sorry you have to go through this. HUGS
Post by vanillacourage on Apr 26, 2013 8:49:47 GMT -5
Yeah, making specific arrangements to meet, knowing he's versatile re: top/bottom....he's more than curious. I hope therapy helps you see your way to what's next for your family. Good luck.
Could it be that he is bi and attracted to both men and women? Part of him has to be attracted to me, right? He wasn't pretending I was a guy when we were having sex, was he?
These are the god awful questions running through my head.
He absolutely could be bi. He has to be somewhat attracted to you in order to have sex with you.
But even if he is bi instead of gay, he is still cheating and you have to decide how you feel about that and what you want to do.
I'm so sorry. Yeah I don't buy his excuses either. I think he is most likely gay or at least bi. I know this gets thrown out a lot on here, but in this case I really do think counseling is in order. I think you guys need a safe, neutral place to discuss what happened and someone to help you sort things out. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
Post by onomatopoeia on Apr 26, 2013 8:55:59 GMT -5
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and so sorry you had to find out this way. This sucks. I agree with the posters that are reminding you that this is on him, not you. Frankly, you would be justified in doing anything short of setting his eyeballs on fire right now. I hope you can see your therapist shortly. In the meantime, I might suggest reaching out to a women's hotline to get ideas of how to take steps to protect yourself legally. I know you love him, but this is a big secret that he'll be desperate not to get out (especially if his family will disown him). Desperate men can do desperate things.
Could it be that he is bi and attracted to both men and women? Part of him has to be attracted to me, right? He wasn't pretending I was a guy when we were having sex, was he?
These are the god awful questions running through my head.
Sexuality is not black and white. There is a very good chance he is attracted to you but also is curious about men.
For my own sanity I would just assume he did have sexual attraction to me. There is no reason for your head to go down the road thinking that he didn't.
First off- I am so so sorry this is happening to you.
I agree with eddy about sexuality. I am sure your husband is very much in love with you but he's probably spent his whole life living a way he "thinks" he should be living. My husbands ex-wife came out as gay during their marriage and as difficult as it was for all involved, she did really and truly love him. They split up and it was super rough, but they remain amicable. She did and always will genuinely care for him.
I know this might not be a popular opinion but I highly doubt he consciously set out to deliberately do this to you or your life. I think when you caught him and he freaked that he was genuinely freaked. But that doesn't negate you having any feeling you want about it. I would be freaking the fuck out too. I hope you can talk to someone and him very soon.
Post by thedutchgirl on Apr 26, 2013 8:59:30 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree that sexuality is fluid. That said, the fact that he knew lingo like "vers" makes me pretty sure this wasn't a one-time drunken prank. You don't know the language to use if you aren't experienced in using it or seeing it before.
I'm sure he cares about you, but he is not respecting your marriage. There's no reason not to have him take care of you out of surgery unless it would make you feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I can't even imagine. I'l glad you are trying to get in to see your therapist ASAP. Your H is probably gay/bi and you'll need to figure out what to do to go forward. And I agree with you that he cheated, whether he did anything physically or not. Good luck, lots of hugs.