I'm probably repeating someone, but the truth is - whether or not he's willing (able?) to say it out loud he is interested in being with men. It doesn't matter whether it's as a gay or bi man, it is something he wants or feels like he needs.
I'm sure he loves you, I'm sure he loves his family, but he's still lying to you and himself by saying what you saw was not his true feelings. Maybe he can only allow himself to admit it when he's drunk, but that is who he is. A gay or bi man, married with kids, who is so "deep in the closet" that he can't say it out loud in his "real" life with you.
I'm so sorry. I don't know what's next but as long as he can't say "I'm attracted to and interested in being with men" he's living a lie and that's not good for anyone.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Apr 26, 2013 9:44:50 GMT -5
I am so sorry.
I agree with those who have said that sexuality is fluid. It's entirely possible his is bi and - given his family background - has buried these feelings so deep he can't even admit it to himself. It's also possible he's gay.
I AM certain that he loves you and his family. I'm very glad you're going to talk to someone so you can sort through your emotions and how you want to proceed.
I'm sure he cares about you, but he is not respecting your marriage. There's no reason not to have him take care of you out of surgery unless it would make you feel uncomfortable.
This is the big problem in my opinion. Him being gay or bi isn't the problem, it's his infidelity and sneakiness. I think you should have surgery as planned and have him look after the kids, once your healthy and ready to deal with this (emotionally and mentally), then talk it out. This won't be solved in one day, take the time you need.
And I do think he loves you, no reason to believe he doesn't.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree that sexuality is fluid. That said, the fact that he knew lingo like "vers" makes me pretty sure this wasn't a one-time drunken prank. You don't know the language to use if you aren't experienced in using it or seeing it before.
This is where my mind went as well. I was very recently told about "tops" and "bottoms" having no clue what they were before.
I am so sorry you are going through this, so very sorry.
I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I can completely understand why you are devastated--I would be too.
I hope that he will learn to be honest and up-front about everything from this day forward. Cheating is cheating--no matter your orientation. Like PP's said, I'm sure he panicked and lied to you just to save his relationship with you and the kids. This may be the turning point in his life where he needs so desperately to be honest with you, his family, and, more importantly, HIMSELF.
In the meantime, I'm so glad you have a counselor you can go to, because this is definitely the time to get some advice--you can't do this on your own. (((hugs)))
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by margotmacomber on Apr 26, 2013 10:25:56 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Ditto LHC, you don't need to make any decisions today. This is NOT your fault. Everyone else has given you all of the advice I can think of but here are some hugs for you. (((wtf)))
Post by goaskalice on Apr 26, 2013 10:43:31 GMT -5
I am so sorry. I can imagine the scenarios going through your head right now. It is not your fault and you couldn't have prevented anything. His family history seems telling of why he can't even admit to you that it wasn't a drunken prank.
I hope your therapist can help you work through the feelings you're going through right now.
Sexuality is really complicated, when people want it to be black and white. If my college psych statistics still hold up, 1 out of 3 men have had at least one sexual experience with another man. The bad part is that your H is not being honest with you, or anyone else, or probably himself, about how he really feels and what he's really done.
It will take time to work all this out. I wouldn't kick him out yet - you need him right now. At the same time, obviously don't let it drop. It's always best to live the truth rather than lie to please other people.
I have a very dear friend whose parents had a similar situation go down when she was a toddler. Today, she is such a happy person, who loves both her parents as well as the dad's partner, whom he's been with for a very long time now. It can all work out well, even if your H is gay, although obviously that doesn't change the shock and hurt you're feeling right now.
I haven't been able to get into a therapist yet. I've called every therapist on my provider list and left messages.
I am about to leave work because I keep starting to cry and my brain isn't focusing on my job. i think I am going home while the kids aren't there and having a big ol' sobbing fest. I haven't been able to really cry so I think I need it.
I will update later. Thanks again for your responses.
Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.
I see what you are saying and it would bother me too but you deserve to be in a marriage where this doesn't happen. Your children aren't losing their dad.. He will always be their dad!
I am so sorry. I also think your H is indeed gay, but is too afraid to admit it to you and maybe to himself in the light of day. To tell a random guy(s) that he is "deep in the closet" should be pretty significant.
Again, I am sorry that you are facing this situation.
Could it be that he is bi and attracted to both men and women? Part of him has to be attracted to me, right? He wasn't pretending I was a guy when we were having sex, was he?
These are the god awful questions running through my head.
Of course he can be bisexual. But that doesn´t give him a pass for stepping out on your marriage.
I'm so sorry. I am sure you are in complete shock right now. Take time for yourself and cry, cry, cry. I hope you are able to see a therapist soon. Whether he is gay or bi doesn't really matter right now. He has lied to you and has been hiding this from you. Please get yourself tested ASAP and take this one day at a time. ((WTF))
Post by creamsiclechica on Apr 26, 2013 18:17:56 GMT -5
I cannot imagine how traumatizing this is for you. Many others have given you very solid advice. Please remember to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to feel safe, physically and emotionally. I'm sending love and support to you during this incredible difficult and confusing time.