I don't know what to do. *update in comments*

[wtf]

Yes, this is an AE. I have recently become a regular poster. H and I have been married for four years, but together for about 6. We have two kids together and I have another child from a previous relationship.

So, to the issue at hand:

H fell asleep on the couch in the living room last night, which isn't unusual for him. He has trouble falling asleep at night and often watches TV until he passes out.

When I woke up this morning and realized he wasn't in bed, I went out to the living room to wake him up so we could do our routine of getting the kids up and ready for school.

When I walked up to him, I saw that he had his headphones in and his cell phone in his hand. This also isn't unusual and I've been known to play a prank on him by putting on some Alice in Chains to blast in his ears to get him to wake up.

The screen was facing up and was lit up like it was recently in use, but he was snoring pretty heavily.

I noticed that it looked like he was chatting with someone, using one of those apps where you don't have to use your regular texting service.

I could see that it wasn't innocent talking, so I picked the phone up for a closer look. The whole time I was reading the messages, I was sitting right next to him and he was snoring away.

What I read made me want to throw up. He was text messaging some other guy! They were talking about hooking up, the one guy asked H if he is a "top or bottom", H replied that he is "vers", which I am guessing means versatile? They traded pictures of each others dicks and H even sent the guy a picture of his face.

This app hooks you up with local people, so they were telling each other where they lived. H told one guy (yes, there were other guys) he lived in the neighborhood next to us and he was using his middle name as his first.

H told them he was married and had kids, he is "deep in the closet" and needs a break from his wife.

It was so surreal seeing him flirting with someone else, and the fact that it was another man made even worse. It was like I was having an out of body experience.

I confronted him because that is just what I do, and he couldn't deny it because I was holding his phone in my hand and it was obvious I saw it.

He swears he has never cheated on me (I think this is cheating), he wasn't ever going to meet up with these people, that he was drunk last night and being stupid, and that he would rather die than lose me.

I asked him if he is really guy, curious, bi...what?! He said he isn't gay and was just playing a role because he was drunk. If anything, he was curious, according to him.

I don't know what to do. I had to get the kids up and ready for school and then I had to come to work. I have a call in for a therapist, who I hope can get us (or at least me) in today because I cant see going the entire weekend in the same house with this hanging over our heads.

I haven't even had time to process what I saw and I am at work. I've used too much PL time with a kid who is constantly sick and I am having minor surgery next week, so I need to take of then too.

I'm sorry this is a hot mess; I don't think my brain is functioning properly right now. I am heartbroken and in shock.

[Saint Monica]

((wtf))

[eddy]

I am so so sorry.

I don't buy the playing around, drunk, I am not actually gay/bi excuse. You have every right to be heartbroken. Good for you for confronting him right away.

I am also glad you are seeing the therapist. Hugs

[bananapancakes]

Oh my, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I don't have any good advice but I think you are on the right track with trying to get in with a therapist as soon as possible to try and process what you just learned. Big hugs to you!

[Deleted]

I would be heartbroken, furious, and probably nine thousand other emotions. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm probably a really bad example, but honestly, if this had happened to me my response would have been this. You need to get away from your wife? Fine, and I would up and leave. Again, I'm probably a bad person to go to for advice on this. I'm just sorry you're going through it.

[Kore]

I'm so sorry I know a couple of openly gay men who use these apps (like grindr). The situation you've described is pretty common on there; lots of married men.

I don't know what to advise, beyond the standard please get tested for STDs. He's dabbling with a very promiscuous community (the app users, not gay men). I have a hard time believing he's never acted on it.

It's entirely possible he is bisexual. Sexuality isn't black or white, gay or straight. But infidelity is infidelity.

[daisybuchannan]

I'm so sorry this happened.

I wouldn't believe that he was drunk and just playing a role. He is gay. Honestly, even if therapy helps your relationship, it won't change the fact that he is gay and living in a marriage while trying to deny those feelings.

As hard as it is, I would leave.

[Deleted]

Apr 26, 2013 8:12:52 GMT -5 eddy said:

I am so so sorry.

I don't buy the playing around, drunk, I am not actually gay/bi excuse. You have every right to be heartbroken. Good for you for confronting him right away.

I am also glad you are seeing the therapist. Hugs

This.

I'm so sorry, OP. 

[Deleted]

Big hugs to you. No advice, just know we are here to support you.

[Deleted]

((hugs)) No advice, just hugs.

[stephlove]

I'm so glad you confronted him instead of letting it bottle up while you're at work. I don't, however, believe his drunk act. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're seeking counseling.

[wtf]

Apr 26, 2013 8:14:45 GMT -5 Kore said:

I'm so sorry I know a couple of openly gay men who use these apps (like grindr). The situation you've described is pretty common on there; lots of married men.

I don't know what to advise, beyond the standard please get tested for STDs. He's dabbling with a very promiscuous community (the app users, not gay men). I have a hard time believing he's never acted on it.

It's entirely possible he is bisexual. Sexuality isn't black or white, gay or straight. But infidelity is infidelity.

That's the one he was using.

[Kore]

I'll be sending you tons of good thoughts today. I'm so sorry this is happening

[papie]

I am so sorry.  I think your H is gay and deep in the closet as he out it, so deep that he can't admit it to you.  I don't know if he has cheated or not, but I also don't think your relationship can be salvaged. I would try both couple and individual therapy for you, because I think you honestly need to just move on, but maybe couple therapy would help him at least be honest with you, as you have kids together and everything. 

(((hugs)))

[Kore]

I'll be sending you tons of good thoughts today. I'm so sorry this is happening

[wtf]

I feel like I don't even know the man I married.

I don't want to be a single mom again. I wanted to grow old with the man I love and have a long future together.

I am so upset.

His dad is ultra conservative and I fear that, if H really is gay, he will never admit to it because he would probably be disowned.

[shoeless]

Apr 26, 2013 8:14:45 GMT -5 Kore said:

It's entirely possible he is bisexual. Sexuality isn't black or white, gay or straight. But infidelity is infidelity.

This is my first thought as well.  Cheating is cheating no matter who it is with, I am so very sorry

[wtf]

Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.

[5hole]

Yikes. I'm sorry. He needs a break from you? I would tell him he just got it and to pack his bags.

[wtf]

Apr 26, 2013 8:23:44 GMT -5 shoeless said:

Apr 26, 2013 8:14:45 GMT -5 Kore said:

It's entirely possible he is bisexual. Sexuality isn't black or white, gay or straight. But infidelity is infidelity.

This is my first thought as well.  Cheating is cheating no matter who it is with, I am so very sorry

See, he doesn't even see this as cheating. He thinks physical cheating is cheating, but I disagree. Plus, I am not sure I buy that he has never hooked up with anyone or at the very least, wasn't seriously planning on hooking up. He was telling these guys the times he would be available!

[papie]

Apr 26, 2013 8:24:18 GMT -5 wtf said:

Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.

You wouldn't be taking anything away from him.  They are his kids.  Even if you leave him, he will still see them, you can get shared custody, etc.  Don't think about HIM.  Think about YOU.  Because he sure wasn't thinking about you when he was seeking to cheat on that app. 

[Deleted]

Omg. I am so sorry.

I think I would have him leave and y'all can figure out what to do from there.

[5hole]

Apr 26, 2013 8:24:18 GMT -5 wtf said:

Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.

It doesn't mean he can't still be a good father to his kids, but your family is going to look a lot different than you imagined. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this...

[Waffles]

I'm so sorry (((wtf)))

I also don't buy the curious/joking/drunk excuse.
He might have not acted on it yet but he had every intention to.
Which at best makes him bisexual.

[Kore]

Apr 26, 2013 8:24:18 GMT -5 wtf said:

Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.

Remember that you're not the one taking it away. He is by stepping outside of your marriage. You did *nothing* to cause this.

[lola]

Apr 26, 2013 8:24:18 GMT -5 wtf said:

Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.

Oh man, wtf. I'm so sorry.

He can be a great dad who loves his kids and will continue to be a great father and still be gay/in the closet. His having his children in his life is not contingent upon the two of you being married.

So many good thoughts and vibes coming your way.

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. All I have to add is if he wants a break from his wife he should be the one to leave

[sake]

If he was telling them available times, he was going to go through with it. It wasn't just some drunk joking around. I am so so so sorry. Just reading this and thinking about how I would feel had my stomach in knots, so I can't imagine how you feel actually going through it.

Know that you didn't do anything wrong to cause this. I hope that you can do some individual counseling as well as couple and family counseling to be able to have a co-parenting relationship, even if you can't be married.

You will be in my thoughts today. I think that you should ask him tonight to leave the house and go stay at a hotel or with a friend or something.

[Deleted]

Apr 26, 2013 8:25:39 GMT -5 wtf said:

Apr 26, 2013 8:23:44 GMT -5 shoeless said:

This is my first thought as well.  Cheating is cheating no matter who it is with, I am so very sorry

See, he doesn't even see this as cheating. He thinks physical cheating is cheating, but I disagree. Plus, I am not sure I buy that he has never hooked up with anyone or at the very least, wasn't seriously planning on hooking up. He was telling these guys the times he would be available!

To be completely frank, it doesn't matter if HE views it as cheating/infidelity/whatever. It's being disingenuous, emotionally and physically, and you know this. 

[eddy]

Apr 26, 2013 8:24:18 GMT -5 wtf said:

Ugh, and he was crying saying he didn't want to lose his family. Our youngest is only two and was cuddling with him this morning. It broke my heart thinking of taking that away from her and him.

Maybe he is bi. If he is bi he has to make a commitment that he isn't going to cheat though.