As embarrasing as this may be, make sure you tell your Dr that he may have cheated with a man. I've heard from more than one person that the std panel is different. If u go to survivinginfidelity.com, look for the board 'I can relate'. There is a thread for same sex AP (affair partners). It may be useful.
I haven't been able to get into a therapist yet. I've called every therapist on my provider list and left messages.
I am about to leave work because I keep starting to cry and my brain isn't focusing on my job. i think I am going home while the kids aren't there and having a big ol' sobbing fest. I haven't been able to really cry so I think I need it.
I will update later. Thanks again for your responses.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Does your work have Employee Assistance Program? Our EAP has many resources, offers counseling over the phone and can help find a provider to see in person. If you can't get into see someone, maybe EAP could help?
Post by thinklikeajellyfish on Apr 26, 2013 21:57:44 GMT -5
I haven't read all of the replies, but I wanted to come in here and give you a big hug. My heart is breaking for you. I have been through a similar situation (not with other men) and I remember so vividly what I was feeling at the time. I am so is sorry. Please p.m. me if you ever need to talk (cry).
I am so sorry you have had to find this out. It has to be devastating to you and your family.
He is so trying to cover his tracks with this.
First off how would he even know about this text thing (grindr) if he wasn't already doing something shady. Why would he want his texts hidden.
Second, if he knows he is a vers, that is definately not someone who is just texting and trying to figure this out. He has or is going to do something.
Third, yes he could be bi, and still love you, and I am sure he does, but his intentions are looking towards men at this point. Get tested, see your therapist, and try to wrap your head around this.
He can still be a dad without being in the home and it probably would be a happier one and the kids wouldn't notice the tension as much as if he stayed.
Hugs being sent your way, and hoping all this works out for you. But just remember he didn't just fall into this while drunk, he went looking to deceive, ( on the couch, headphones and stuff ) that WAS planned.
Post by chickadee77 on Apr 27, 2013 9:08:59 GMT -5
(((hugs))) to you. Sounds like you're on the right track going to therepy, etc. I agree, get tested, stat, and continue to get tested.
I also agree that knowing the lingo (calling himself vers) indicates that he's familiar with what he's doing. I could see a group of guys getting wasted and doing something like this for laughs or whatever idiot reason, but giving meetup times and disparaging his marriage is crossing the immature-jackass line.
I hope you find strength and peace throughout whatever happens with this. (((more hugs)))
I don't buy the playing around, drunk, I am not actually gay/bi excuse. You have every right to be heartbroken. Good for you for confronting him right away.
I am also glad you are seeing the therapist. Hugs
This. He was just less inhibited because he was drunk. I don't know what I would do but I would be so angry that he is potentially putting your children at risk by letting know random dudes where you live. Then I would be upset and confused. I'm so sorry.
Hi everyone. This is the first chance I've had to update and it will have to be quick, because the kids are around and I don't want to get myself upset in front of them.
I wasn't able to get into a therapist yesterday. The earliest I can get in is next week, but I am on a few cancellation lists in case something comes up before then.
My work does provide 6 sessions a year with our EAP program. If I need more sessions than that, I am not sure how it works, but I am looking into it.
I ended up leaving work yesterday and only made it down the street until I broke down in awful sobs. I was crying so hard that I had to pull over in a dirt parking lot on the side of the road to let it out. A friend happened to call and I talked to them about it. I have known him forever and he is a no bullshit type of person. He won't sugar coat anything and told me the steps I should take to protect myself. It felt good to tell someone IRL what is going on because I can't tell anyone that is H and I's mutual friend. I am too embarrassed right now to tell anyone and, aside from this board, the one friend is the only other person I've talked to about this.
Anyway, after ending that call, I went home and straight to my room where I put my headphones on, started listening to my ipod and bawled. I was sobbing so hard and didn't realize it when H walked into the room. He must have known I was home because of that findmyfriends app on our phones.
He was bawling and begging me not to leave him. He couldn't even breathe and was trying to cling to me so hard. He kept saying he didn't want to live without me and that he is a piece of shit. I have never seen him this upset in all of the years we've known each other.
He said he will do anything to make me not leave. At one point, he was lying on the floor, bawling and just so upset.
I was so afraid that he would harm himself. He has never talked that way before.
I still don't see this relationship lasting, but I am waiting to see a counselor before I tell him for sure that I am ending it. I don't think I should tell him while we are at home, especially with the kids, given how upset he was getting. He is going to lose his shit. I was seriously ready to call the cops yesterday and have him Baker Acted, he had me so scared.
He swears he has no interest in other people, especially men, and that he drank too much vodka. I don't believe he was that drunk because he was able to tell this guys where he lived without giving the exact neighborhood and he was able to think of giving them his middle name instead of his first.
Right now, my plan is to get through the weekend and talk everything out with a counselor to find out how I should handle this.
I appreciate all of your thoughts and well wishes. I keep reading this thread to give me strength and to remind myself that I deserve better.
Post by goaskalice on Apr 27, 2013 11:28:03 GMT -5
I'm glad you do have someone IRL to talk to, the isolation when you're going through something like this hurts I'm sure. I hope you can get a good therapist to talk over everything with, and we're certainly here for you to vent. My thoughts are with you.
You do sound like such a strong woman. I hope you get in to see a counselor before then, and you are able to come to a decision. You are definitely in my thoughts.
I am so sorry you are going through this. In a way, I even feel sorry for your H. He has such shame about his sexuality that he is making up the most ridiculous stories to account for his behavior.
I'm sure you know that straight men don't pretend to be gay. Like, ever. Drunk or not. The fact that he signed up for some texting service and was actively soliciting men is proof, not to mention his own admission of being "deep in the closet."
There is no reason he can't continue to be a great father to your children though.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Apr 27, 2013 12:34:32 GMT -5
(((wtf))) I saw your update, and I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that it sounds like you have a super smart head on your shoulders, and that you're doing the right things for you and your kids ... and, eventually, in the long run, for your husband too. I'm going to say what that poster right above me said. I've been drunk in my day, but I've never gone on to a trolling-for-sex type site while under the influence -- it's not that alcohol made him do something he didn't actually want to do, it's that alcohol lowered his inhibitions enough that he was able to do something his conscious self wouldn't let him "want to do." When you're ready, you should check out Starting Over - those ladies have some great advice for those first early step, and protecting your assets and keeping the upheaval as smooth as possible for your kid(s). Good luck!
Oh boy. I just read your update. That must have been awful to see him like that, I can't even imagine. I think what I would do in your situation (I assume you're still living in the same house with the kids?) would be to table the discussion for now. Give yourselves a few days to process things and calm down. I would wait to discuss what happened and the implications until you are both able to attend a counseling session together and are in a more balanced state of mind. Hopefully your counselor will be able to help you sort out what's going on with him and what you both want for the future. Hugs and lots of positive thoughts to you.
Again, big hugs. It must be so difficult to be going through this and also see him so desperate trying to cling on to the person he wants everyone to think he is. I know you know this, but straight men do not spend the time downloading and creating an account on a gay/bi men only app that is meant for quick hook ups and such. I think you should really encourage him to get into a therapist ASAP as well as you seeing someone as well. You have been betrayed and hurt; his double life just came crashing down on him. It's going to be a very long road
You seem so strong and so good for your kids. Please keep coming back here any time. (((Wtf)))
My heart breaks for him as well as me. To see the man I love, writhing on the floor in severe emotional pain, was awful. I don't want to cause him to hurt like that and I am so scared he will harm himself.
Right now, we are in a holding pattern until we can get into a counselor. One of the ones I have my name on the waiting list for specializes, not only in relationships, but also same sex issues. So, maybe she would be the best person to see since we are dealing with both of those issues.
I honestly think he really is in deep denial that he can't even admit it to himself. I think he is so afraid of losing me because I am so comfortable to him. His mom left him and his dad when she was little and the pain from that has stayed with him all of these years. I think part of him is still that little boy, begging his mom not to leave him.
As much as he has hurt me, I can't help but feel protective of him. I don't want him to feel abandoned. I am hoping a counselor can help us both sort through this and also to help him see that he can have a happy life without being in a marriage with me.
My heart breaks for him as well as me. To see the man I love, writhing on the floor in severe emotional pain, was awful. I don't want to cause him to hurt like that and I am so scared he will harm himself.
Right now, we are in a holding pattern until we can get into a counselor. One of the ones I have my name on the waiting list for specializes, not only in relationships, but also same sex issues. So, maybe she would be the best person to see since we are dealing with both of those issues.
I honestly think he really is in deep denial that he can't even admit it to himself. I think he is so afraid of losing me because I am so comfortable to him. His mom left him and his dad when she was little and the pain from that has stayed with him all of these years. I think part of him is still that little boy, begging his mom not to leave him.
As much as he has hurt me, I can't help but feel protective of him. I don't want him to feel abandoned. I am hoping a counselor can help us both sort through this and also to help him see that he can have a happy life without being in a marriage with me.
I'm in awe of your attitude. Really. I don't think I could be this brave and loving in this situation. Good luck and make sure you take care of yourself, too.
He swears he has no interest in other people, especially men, and that he drank too much vodka. I don't believe he was that drunk because he was able to tell this guys where he lived without giving the exact neighborhood and he was able to think of giving them his middle name instead of his first.
Even if he was drunk, in vino veritas. People don't lie when they're drunk.
Post by saraandmichael on Apr 27, 2013 15:54:50 GMT -5
I didn't respond when you first posted, but it sounds like you are handling this as calmly and gracefully as you can.
I am sorry for all of the pain that you're feeling, but in the end you will get through it and have a life that makes you as happy and feeling loved as you deserve to be.
Good luck to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Honestly, the thing that would bother me the most (after the initial shock of it all) is his story that he just got drunk and was goofing around. Straight men don't pretend to be gay and send men a pic of their penis. At the very least he is bi. His break down you described in your last post might have gotten to me if he were my H, except for still not admitting that he is attracted to men. For me personally, if he came clean and told me the full truth, maybe it's something we could work through (if he were bi). Hell, I personally might even be open to an open relationship, but I know that is not for most people. But I certainly couldn't stay with someone who is clearly hiding a really big part of himself from me.
Don't be in a rush to do anything. You have kids and an established life together, so if you do split up, it needs to be done slowly and thoughtfully. Go talk to a counselor, keep an open mind, and just give yourself time to work through this. Maybe you and your H should just sleep in separate bedrooms while you are working through things.
I personally would also have a come to Jesus talk with him and say look, H, I'm not falling for this I got drunk and am really 100% straight crap. And one thing I'm certain about is that our marriage is not going to work if you don't open up and tell me about this part of you because being told a lie is much worse to me than dealing with the truth, no matter what that is.
Praying for you. I agree with carrots that this behavior sounds very manipulative. You are handling this extremely well and doing what you need to do. Stay strong this weekend. I know how hard it is to put on a happy face for the kids until you can get things sorted. ((Wtf))
I'm a social worker who works, in part, as a community health advocate. We have many programs for men who 100% identify as heterosexual who also like to have sex with other men. Some are married, all deny being bi or gay. And they are not. We actually call the programs MSM -Men who have Sex with Men.
I only mention this to say its a "real" thing. I don't know if your DH has been unfaithful, but his interest is a real thing for married, hetero men.
Post by themoneytree on Apr 27, 2013 18:37:41 GMT -5
I feel so bad for you both really, your husband obviously has such a deep fear of who he really is that despite you having seen in writing (!) that he is 'deep in the closet' he still can't bring himself to tell you the truth.
It's sad for him, but ultimately in no way excuses the cheating and the lies. I think you need to get tested with some urgency - I would have great difficult believing him when he says nothing physical has happened in the past.