I'm conflicted on this. I want to say "never," but I might consider it if no other options work.
I was a total PITA kid, and spanking was the only punishment I responded to. Time outs and yelling did nothing, my mom's crunchy punishments were laughable (having to hold hands and smile at my brother for ten minutes after fighting), and I wasn't allowed to eat TV, so they couldn't take that away.
Spanking was a very calm, controlled process. One parent would lecture me on what I did wrong, and then I would have to walk to my dad, position myself over his lap, and wait for the hit. I don't remember the spankings hurting at all, but walking the Green Mile to my punishment was the scariest thing, and that alone deterred me from repeat offenses.
ETA: I was put in time out before I'd get spanked. If I knew there wasn't a spanking coming, time out was fun because I'd just go play in my imagination and forget why I was there. If I knew I was waiting for a spanking, I couldn't think of anything else.
I don't think there was anything lazy about my parents' method because the spanning process took more time and effort than any other punishment.
My younger brother was never spanked because he responded to other punishments.
We don't spank, and I am against it in general. But I have forcefully removed DS1 from dangerous situations with a fair bit of anger. For example running into the road, I have grabbed his arm and dragged him back. And I have yanked his hand away from sharp things/dangerous things outside, eg. when DH is mowing the lawn or edge trimming. Sometimes there's no other way to do it fast. I regret the violence of the action but at the time I couldn't come up with a more immediate solution.
Yes, forceful removal is fine by me in dangerous situations, and is necessary IMO to show a child that you mean business. Sorry ladies, but the whole parking lot scenario is still no excuse to hit a child. Just like Star, when Adam ran into the road last year, I just bascially firmly gripped his arm and spoke in a firm tone directly in front of his face, the firm grip showed how serious I was, but it was not agressive or hutrful. I explained to him how dangerous it was, he never did it again.
I agree with Devon that spanking is for lazy parents, just take the time to teach your children and they will be much better off.
I am so sorry Cream that you had the type of childhood, it breaks my heart for you.
C25K...it works Seaside 5K...........40:45(2012) Turkey Trot..........41:30(2012)/37:08(2013)/37:40(2014) St Pat's 5K..........39:27(2013)/38:48(2014)/35:12(2015) Belair Town Run......38:09(2013)/36:27(2014) Back To Football 5K..37:36(2013)/43:44(2015) Balt Run Fest 5K.....34:59(2013)/41:50(2014)/35:54(2015)
Post by TrudyCampbell on Jun 5, 2013 9:01:03 GMT -5
What I don't get is that a bunch of people are saying that spankings never hurt but they were still very afraid of them. If there wasn't any pain then what was it that you were fearing? If every other punishment is laughable then why wouldn't a spanking that doesn't hurt be laughable too?
What I don't get is that a bunch of people are saying that spankings never hurt but they were still very afraid of them. If there wasn't any pain then what was it that you were fearing? If every other punishment is laughable then why wouldn't a spanking that doesn't hurt be laughable too?
It is. I speak from experience. Just because we've used it doesn't mean it worked.
C25K...it works Seaside 5K...........40:45(2012) Turkey Trot..........41:30(2012)/37:08(2013)/37:40(2014) St Pat's 5K..........39:27(2013)/38:48(2014)/35:12(2015) Belair Town Run......38:09(2013)/36:27(2014) Back To Football 5K..37:36(2013)/43:44(2015) Balt Run Fest 5K.....34:59(2013)/41:50(2014)/35:54(2015)
I'm going to be in the "spanking" CAN be lazy parenting or be used as frustration. I think that for some people it is just easier to spank your child when they are miss behaving then to figure out what works or be consistent. Being consistent is really hard work. When you are telling your kid for the 20th time not to stand on the chair it is just easier and faster to spank. It doesn't make them stop it just makes them sneaker about doing it.
It's like the talk that we had with the twins about drugs and alcohol last week. We could have just said all drugs are bad don't do them or you will get spanked or kicked out. Instead, we talked about what drugs and alcohol can do to you and why people take them. We turned off the TV, computers and phone for an hour and a half. This was not the first talk about drugs and alcohol and it will not be the last. The way my dad handled it was to tell me and my sisters that if we ever did drugs or get a DWI that he would beat us. Even at 21 my dad dragged my middle sister out of my appartment after we when out and partied all night. We didn't drive home we walked the four blocks home.
If my partner grabbed my arm like that in anger.....
It's not out of anger though, when Adam ran out in the street last year it was out of fear, fear that he could have been hit. A firm grip is WAY kinder than a slap on the ass.
I am trying to teach my kids how to be functional people, teaching them to hit to correct a behavior is just wrong IMO.
I can't think of any situation where it is needed.
I remember being in constant fear of my mother. I had no idea how she would react to innocent situations. I was 3ish and walked into a room she was vacuuming. She slapped me so hard that I got a bloody nose. All I wanted was to watch the vacuum make lines on the carpet.
Fear is not an emotion I want the boys to have when they think of me. Fear of the consequence of the actions, sure, but not of ME. I hope that makes sense.
I have to say though that I have found myself having to take a deep breath and walk away from the boys at times and have thought, wow it would have been so easy to just spank them right then. I feel so guilty in those situations that I even have that thought.
What I don't get is that a bunch of people are saying that spankings never hurt but they were still very afraid of them. If there wasn't any pain then what was it that you were fearing? If every other punishment is laughable then why wouldn't a spanking that doesn't hurt be laughable too?
For me, it was the dread/anticipation. My dad's a big dude and has the biggest hands I've ever seen. So when he would point at me and beckon me over with those sausage fingers that I knew would soon spank me, it was scary. I guess I'd compare it to when you are waiting outside the principal's office or you get pulled over and you're waiting for the cop to return with your documents and tell you if s/he ticketed you. That "oh fuck..." feeling.
Does that make sense? With non-spanking punishments, I knew that they wouldn't get any worse than they started out (loss of a toy, sitting in the corner, no dinner, etc), so it was easier to go into my happy place and wait it out.
Obviously I must've been older than toddler age to remember this.
Spankings also weren't for minor offenses. I remember getting spanked once because the neighbors caught me picking through their trash and eating the remnants of hostess pies I'd seen them toss (I wasn't allowed any sweets at home). So gross.
Also, these posts always have differing views on what people feel is ok. I know some people think its fine to spank and that there is a line somewhere between swatting, and spanking, and beating.
Do I judge people who spank? I guess I do. I wouldn't end a friendship over it but if it was leaving marks I would report it as abuse. I feel so sad for the kids on the receiving end of a spanking because I remember how I used to feel.
I'm sorry if I offend anyone with my view. It's just such a personal thing to have an opinion about.
I'm glad the people with a strong "no" were able to keep their kids from breaking away. H wasn't a runner, so a backpack would have been silly. I chose to err on the side of unnecessary spankings if it kept her from getting hit by a car.
I'm not going to apologize or feel bad for that.
And again, I was beaten as a kid. I still have scars and some hearing loss.
I'm glad the people with a strong "no" were able to keep their kids from breaking away. H wasn't a runner, so a backpack would have been silly. I chose to err on the side of unnecessary spankings if it kept her from getting hit by a car.
I'm not going to apologize or feel bad for that.
And again, I was beaten as a kid. I still have scars and some hearing loss.
Does that make sense? With non-spanking punishments, I knew that they wouldn't get any worse than they started out (loss of a toy, sitting in the corner, no dinner, etc), so it was easier to go into my happy place and wait it out.
Obviously I must've been older than toddler age to remember this.
Spankings also weren't for minor offenses. I remember getting spanked once because the neighbors caught me picking through their trash and eating the remnants of hostess pies I'd seen them toss (I wasn't allowed any sweets at home). So gross.
I feel like I can get the oh feeling out of the girls without their dad spanking them. They participate in making the consequences. For example, I if leave the house for three or four hours and give them chores I know immediately if the did them or not. The girls scatter the minute I walk through the door. I tell them to finish their chores and come talk to me. They have to tell me what their consequence should be. Normally it is no TV or computer for a certain amount of days. At first they would say for an hour, but I told them that if they picked a consequence that was too low that they may not like what I give them. They have to think about how long feels like a punishment. They have even gone as far as continuing the consequence at their mother's house without us telling her.
To be clear, I don't plan to spank - FFS I don't even swat mosquitos - but I do believe that some kids don't respond to anything else. I would NEVER strike a child out of anger, and I think that's a terrible thing to do. But my experience with spanking was more of a methodically performed ritual (not the best word, but I'm on Day 2 of no caffeine and can't think properly), not a reactionary blow.
Does that make sense? With non-spanking punishments, I knew that they wouldn't get any worse than they started out (loss of a toy, sitting in the corner, no dinner, etc), so it was easier to go into my happy place and wait it out.
Obviously I must've been older than toddler age to remember this.
Spankings also weren't for minor offenses. I remember getting spanked once because the neighbors caught me picking through their trash and eating the remnants of hostess pies I'd seen them toss (I wasn't allowed any sweets at home). So gross.
I feel like I can get the oh feeling out of the girls without their dad spanking them. They participate in making the consequences. For example, I if leave the house for three or four hours and give them chores I know immediately if the did them or not. The girls scatter the minute I walk through the door. I tell them to finish their chores and come talk to me. They have to tell me what their consequence should be. Normally it is no TV or computer for a certain amount of days. At first they would say for an hour, but I told them that if they picked a consequence that was too low that they may not like what I give them. They have to think about how long feels like a punishment. They have even gone as far as continuing the consequence at their mother's house without us telling her.
That makes sense. I think part of my parents' problem is that they were super strict with me already, so there wasn't much to take away. I already had no TV, no video games, no toys without educational value, no sugar, etc. What were they going to do, take away my books and math flash cards?
To be clear, I don't plan to spank - FFS I don't even swat mosquitos - but I do believe that some kids don't respond to anything else. I would NEVER strike a child out of anger, and I think that's a terrible thing to do. But my experience with spanking was more of a methodically performed ritual (not the best word, but I'm on Day 2 of no caffeine and can't think properly), not a reactionary blow.
yes this is how my hubs explained his spankings too, and the only way he'd ever be "ok" with it.
He is aware on my desire to not spank, and to use other methods for discipline. I doubt we will spank but of course if nothing else works.. I guess I just can't say 100% that I never would having never been in the situation of being at the end of my rope with a child who responded to no disciplinary measures at all.
I'm glad the people with a strong "no" were able to keep their kids from breaking away. H wasn't a runner, so a backpack would have been silly. I chose to err on the side of unnecessary spankings if it kept her from getting hit by a car.
I'm not going to apologize or feel bad for that.
And again, I was beaten as a kid. I still have scars and some hearing loss.
Here, tuck. Come join me on my bench.
Scoot over and make some room for me. I've got two boys who are completely different. I've used the same methods in parenting for both of them. Micah responds to a stern voice and Eli does not. It's not my go to form of punishment, and I have maybe used it a handful of times with Eli. To each their own. I know I'm abusing my kids, so I'm okay with what's going on at my house.
I don't get the lesson that they learn though. If I do something wrong then someone will physically hurt me? I just don't understand it. I don't see how spanking can lead to better behavior. I see it leading to your kid hitting other people when they do something wrong.
I'm really against it. I've never even hit my dogs and they can be real assholes.
This is where I'm at with the thinking too. I think that I don't need to go around hitting my adult peers to teach them things I need them to know. Teachers in schools at all ages do not need to resort to violence in order to teach lessons or keep order. It just shows that it can be done. I realize adults are, generally speaking, rational beings, but there are many other examples of non violent ways of disciplining. Look at @music lover. She's an amazing example if you ask me. Not that Adam is deserving of discipline, please don't take it that way, but just in the difficult and trying situations she's been faced with, her and her husband gave taken a unified, proactive, constructive approach and seen some success. That's enough for me!
Thank you Cream (heart) Physical Discipline is something I am so strongly against, and trust me Adam has pushed every single one of our buttons. My mom hit us when we were little, it just made me resent her. It's all about staying in control and finding an approach that will work. Adam has soooo much freaking energy and can really push us to our limits sometimes, but does he ever deserve to be physically harmed? No, he deserves to be taught right from wrong, and that is what we are doing. We have had major success over all with him, it's a work in progress for sure, but he really does respond to our approach. If anyone ever struck my child, there would be hell to pay.
I feel like I can get the oh feeling out of the girls without their dad spanking them. They participate in making the consequences. For example, I if leave the house for three or four hours and give them chores I know immediately if the did them or not. The girls scatter the minute I walk through the door. I tell them to finish their chores and come talk to me. They have to tell me what their consequence should be. Normally it is no TV or computer for a certain amount of days. At first they would say for an hour, but I told them that if they picked a consequence that was too low that they may not like what I give them. They have to think about how long feels like a punishment. They have even gone as far as continuing the consequence at their mother's house without us telling her.
That makes sense. I think part of my parents' problem is that they were super strict with me already, so there wasn't much to take away. I already had no TV, no video games, no toys without educational value, no sugar, etc. What were they going to do, take away my books and math flash cards?
We've taken away books. It seems counterintuitive, but when it takes them four hours to clean the bathroom and bedroom because they were reading for the fourth time, what else are you going to do?
I'll add that I tell them that each time they commit the same offense their consequence get worse/longer.
We try to do logical consequences for punishments. So, the consequence for not cleaning up playdoh is it gets all dried up and we don't have any more p playdoh. The consequence for running in a parking lot is getting hit by a car.
I an ok with her making the association that breaking away means she gets hurt. She still insists on holding hands before getting off a curb.
I think there is a big difference between spanking and abuse, and I'm so sorry for those of you who suffered abuse.
Done correctly, spanking is just as methodical as a time-out. Time-outs can also be abused and can teach incorrect lessons. Any form of discipline (or lack thereof) can be abused. For us, spanking wasn't a "last resort," because that implies a randomness to it. It was a methodical decision that if DD did certain actions, she got a swat or two on the rear. A parent just hauling off and smacking a child isn't spanking. That's not discipline.
Did it hurt? yeah, it probably stung. As she got older, she responded to other forms of discipline, for the most part. In the last 3 years, DD has been spanked twice.
Some people are firmly against spanking; that's fine. We all have things we're firmly against.
I think there is a big difference between spanking and abuse, and I'm so sorry for those of you who suffered abuse.
Done correctly, spanking is just as methodical as a time-out. Time-outs can also be abused and can teach incorrect lessons. Any form of discipline (or lack thereof) can be abused. For us, spanking wasn't a "last resort," because that implies a randomness to it. It was a methodical decision that if DD did certain actions, she got a swat or two on the rear. A parent just hauling off and smacking a child isn't spanking. That's not discipline.
Did it hurt? yeah, it probably stung. As she got older, she responded to other forms of discipline, for the most part. In the last 3 years, DD has been spanked twice.
Some people are firmly against spanking; that's fine. We all have things we're firmly against.
Would It be ok if your husband spanked you when you "misbehaved" or did something dangerous? Probably not. So why is it ok for an adult to spank a child?
No, but then my husband doesn't discipline me at all; it's not his job. Would it be okay for your husband to make you sit in a chair and have time-out? Or to tell you you're not allowed to watch TV because you "misbehaved"?
I wouldn't be ok if dh told me I have to eat all of my vegetables before eating dessert, but that is ap perfectly acceptable thing for me to tell my kid.
No, but then my husband doesn't discipline me at all; it's not his job. Would it be okay for your husband to make you sit in a chair and have time-out? Or to tell you you're not allowed to watch TV because you "misbehaved"?
I wouldn't be outraged If he did. If he spanked me I would have him arrested. So I don't see why it is ok to spank kids
That is really odd logic.
My husband has had rational discussions with me about my behavior. I have asked him to help me with certain behaviors. He does not discipline me. If he did, I would slap him with divorce papers so fast.
He is not my parent. Discipline is something an adult does to a child.
No, but then my husband doesn't discipline me at all; it's not his job. Would it be okay for your husband to make you sit in a chair and have time-out? Or to tell you you're not allowed to watch TV because you "misbehaved"?
I wouldn't be outraged If he did. If he spanked me I would have him arrested. So I don't see why it is ok to spank kids
Because parenting is different? I don't really know what you want me to say. I realize some people see any form of physical punishment as abuse and I know there really isn't anything that's going to change their minds. I don't think you can compare the parent/child relationship with others because it is a unique relationship.
For the most part, I'm not in favor of parenting because yes, I do believe if there are better alternatives, they should be used. And yes, much of the research indicates spanking isn't effective. However, much of that research is incomplete and there is research that indicates certain forms of spanking are effective.
I wouldn't be ok if dh told me I have to eat all of my vegetables before eating dessert, but that is ap perfectly acceptable thing for me to tell my kid.
This made me laugh. I don't need to tell my husband to eat his vegetables, but I do tell him not to crunch his ice or to order fish instead of a steak. I don't put him on time out, but I wouldn't have sex with him if I'm pissed at him. He learns not to do the same thing again.
I chose no way ever. But if your definition includes hand smacking, then I have to change it.
That's one of the problems I have with spanking discussions and research: a lot of times the word is all-inclusive to mean any form of physical punishment, from hard hits with a wooden spoon to a light tap on the hand or rear.
The other thing I don't get about spanking/popping/smacking the hand, is that I spend sooooooo much time teaching my kids to be gentle/hands are not for hitting/we use our words. How is it not a mixed message to a kid? I don't know, I have had many conversations with Henry about how it is never ok for him to hit/push/whatever, and we are having trouble now in dealing with the fine line between play and hurting (he was really upset on the playground the other day playing tag when he was "tagged" too hard and fell down, for example). After all that if he were to see me using my hands on Elliot? How would that make sense?
I'm not a pacifist, but I am trying to teach my kids that hitting is never ok.