The other thing I don't get about spanking/popping/smacking the hand, is that I spend sooooooo much time teaching my kids to be gentle/hands are not for hitting/we use our words. How is it not a mixed message to a kid? I don't know, I have had many conversations with Henry about how it is never ok for him to hit/push/whatever, and we are having trouble now in dealing with the fine line between play and hurting (he was really upset on the playground the other day playing tag when he was "tagged" too hard and fell down, for example). After all that if he were to see me using my hands on Elliot? How would that make sense?
I'm not a pacifist, but I am trying to teach my kids that hitting is never ok.
(high5) Yep... Wait till your kids get reports at school because they have hit a friend, even the well behaved kids have their days. I always tell Adam, " We don't hit you, we use our words with you at home and explain things, you need to follow the same rules with friends at school, we don't hit, but rather we say how we feel". I feel like this can't be done if you hit your child.
The other thing I don't get about spanking/popping/smacking the hand, is that I spend sooooooo much time teaching my kids to be gentle/hands are not for hitting/we use our words. How is it not a mixed message to a kid? I don't know, I have had many conversations with Henry about how it is never ok for him to hit/push/whatever, and we are having trouble now in dealing with the fine line between play and hurting (he was really upset on the playground the other day playing tag when he was "tagged" too hard and fell down, for example). After all that if he were to see me using my hands on Elliot? How would that make sense?
I'm not a pacifist, but I am trying to teach my kids that hitting is never ok.
(high5) Yep... Wait till your kids get reports at school because they have hit a friend, even the well behaved kids have their days. I always tell Adam, " We don't hit you, we use our words with you at home and explain things, you need to follow the same rules with friends at school, we don't hit, but rather we say how we feel". I feel like this can't be done if you hit your child.
I would explain it the same way I would explain to her why I wipe DS's privates even though I tell her that her privates are for herself alone: because sometimes mommies and daddies need to do things to take care of their children. Because spanking isn't the same thing as hitting out of anger.
DD was spanked and yet she knows hitting is not acceptable. She's smart enough to understand the difference.
The other thing I don't get about spanking/popping/smacking the hand, is that I spend sooooooo much time teaching my kids to be gentle/hands are not for hitting/we use our words. How is it not a mixed message to a kid? I don't know, I have had many conversations with Henry about how it is never ok for him to hit/push/whatever, and we are having trouble now in dealing with the fine line between play and hurting (he was really upset on the playground the other day playing tag when he was "tagged" too hard and fell down, for example). After all that if he were to see me using my hands on Elliot? How would that make sense?
I'm not a pacifist, but I am trying to teach my kids that hitting is never ok.
For me, smacking the hand comes in after repeated safety violations. If he tries to pick up scissors several times, or won't stop touching the glass on the fireplace. I do struggle internally though, exactly like you are saying. Right now, the kids learn from modeling behavior, their logic skills are not strong enough to understand nuances. But he does understand there are some things mommy or daddy can do that he can't. Like drive the riding lawnmower or use the stove.
(high5) Yep... Wait till your kids get reports at school because they have hit a friend, even the well behaved kids have their days. I always tell Adam, " We don't hit you, we use our words with you at home and explain things, you need to follow the same rules with friends at school, we don't hit, but rather we say how we feel". I feel like this can't be done if you hit your child.
I would explain it the same way I would explain to her why I wipe DS's privates even though I tell her that her privates are for herself alone: because sometimes mommies and daddies need to do things to take care of their children. Because spanking isn't the same thing as hitting out of anger.
DD was spanked and yet she knows hitting is not acceptable. She's smart enough to understand the difference.
meh...I'll have to agree to disagree, there is NO argument out that there that would ever convince me that laying a hand on an innocent child is ok. My mind is blown that in 2013 people still think this is the best approach.
I usually stay quiet on these hot topic threads, but this topic makes me cringe.
Post by spaghetticat on Jun 5, 2013 14:00:47 GMT -5
I am in the I say I'm never going to spank camp. This is my first child, so I have only done this for 14 months so I don't want to come off as a know it all bc obviously I'm not.
I am sorry to everyone in here who has been abused. My mom was beaten horribly as a child and she said she would never do the same to me. I remember being spanked once and only once and it was for lying. My brother has a brittle bone disease, so my mom couldn't touch him for discipline. She was forced to come up with other ways. I think my mom did a good job raising us when we were little, so I may pick her brain as to what works.
This thread has made me realize I hate the term "swatting." I don't know why, but it makes my skin crawl.
I would explain it the same way I would explain to her why I wipe DS's privates even though I tell her that her privates are for herself alone: because sometimes mommies and daddies need to do things to take care of their children. Because spanking isn't the same thing as hitting out of anger.
DD was spanked and yet she knows hitting is not acceptable. She's smart enough to understand the difference.
meh...I'll have to agree to disagree, there is NO argument out that there that would ever convince me that laying a hand on an innocent child is ok. My mind is blown that in 2013 people still think this is the best approach.
I usually stay quiet on these hot topic threads, but this topic makes me cringe.
I don't know if anyone has said that spanking is the best approach.
Holden was spanked for one specific thing as a two year old. She hasn't been spanked for the last two and a half years (at least), and she doesn't even remember getting spanked. In light of this thread, I asked her earlier today what kinds of things I would give her a spanking for. She looked at me weird and said "Nothing." I really don't think she's damaged from it. And, she doesn't hit.
Post by dixeedeluxe on Jun 5, 2013 14:45:54 GMT -5
Edie had several scratch marks and bruises on her back when I carries her kicking and screaming out of a car show parking lot because she wouldn't stop running away from me.
I got judged BIGTIME by assholes who sat there and watched. And then those same assholes pointed out tb e scratch marks.
I really don't care what people think about our discipline styles.
Also, lots of you say you were spanked. And lots of you say spanked kids become violent adults. But I'm not seeing that here, dudes.
C25K...it works Seaside 5K...........40:45(2012) Turkey Trot..........41:30(2012)/37:08(2013)/37:40(2014) St Pat's 5K..........39:27(2013)/38:48(2014)/35:12(2015) Belair Town Run......38:09(2013)/36:27(2014) Back To Football 5K..37:36(2013)/43:44(2015) Balt Run Fest 5K.....34:59(2013)/41:50(2014)/35:54(2015)
Edie had several scratch marks and bruises on her back when I carries her kicking and screaming out of a car show parking lot because she wouldn't stop running away from me.
I got judged BIGTIME by assholes who sat there and watched. And then those same assholes pointed out tb e scratch marks.
I really don't care what people think about our discipline styles.
Also, lots of you say you were spanked. And lots of you say spanked kids become violent adults. But I'm not seeing that here, dudes.
My brother has serious anger and violence issues from being spanked.
And you were raised in the same household?
I also have anger and violent tendencies that ive only learned to deal with unmedicated since having kids. Im actually doing amazing!. My sisters don't. None of us were actually spanked.
C25K...it works Seaside 5K...........40:45(2012) Turkey Trot..........41:30(2012)/37:08(2013)/37:40(2014) St Pat's 5K..........39:27(2013)/38:48(2014)/35:12(2015) Belair Town Run......38:09(2013)/36:27(2014) Back To Football 5K..37:36(2013)/43:44(2015) Balt Run Fest 5K.....34:59(2013)/41:50(2014)/35:54(2015)
@pcloadletter, based on your description, I wouldn't say you and your brother were spanked. I would say you were beaten by a fucked up sadist. I don't think it's fair to compare the two.
Also, (hug). No kid should ever have to deal with being abused.
I don't think my dad ever laid a hand on me, but my mother would have for sure. We were likely swatted, hand slapped, grabbed roughly out of danger etc. I don't really remember and not because I blocked it out from trauma. My mother loves/loved us all and she parented the best way she knew to try to keep us safe and the household as calm as she could.
Despite the fact that only my mother actually "spanked", I was far more afraid of my fathers discipline but I'm not sure why. Maybe I worried he WOULD spank me if I were extra bad? I don't know. He's a great man and was/is a great dad.
I adore my parents, I think they did a most excellent job of raising seven wonderful people who are functional members of society. None of us have violence issues.
I still plan to NOT spank but I'm certainly not convinced that spanking = beating your kids up, or that it is never effective, or that it is guaranteed to create violent monsters down the line.
I just feel like in my head, other methods of discipline make much more sense. But how do I know what it's like to parent a child, or how much one child can vary from another.
I don't think my dad ever laid a hand on me, but my mother would have for sure. We were likely swatted, hand slapped, grabbed roughly out of danger etc. I don't really remember and not because I blocked it out from trauma. My mother loves/loved us all and she parented the best way she knew to try to keep us safe and the household as calm as she could.
Despite the fact that only my mother actually "spanked", I was far more afraid of my fathers discipline but I'm not sure why. Maybe I worried he WOULD spank me if I were extra bad? I don't know. He's a great man and was/is a great dad.
I think that's interesting because I was more afraid of my father than my mother, and like your dad, he never laid a hand on any of us. He's a big man and has anger issues, so he decided when we were young that he would never spank us because he knew he couldn't control himself. But we were still afraid of his temper.
For my mom, we were afraid of getting punished, but not so much afraid of her.
I can totally respect that. I have/had some anger issues from my upbringing so I've really had to sit down and think about what is appropriate for us. I refuse to raise my voice or yell, for example. We also decided that once other things mattered to her (like toys being taken away), that would be the punishment we would use. Also, if a parent ever feels like that *want* to spank their kid, that's a sure-fire sign they shouldn't.
We will use spanking as a last resort. I don't think spanking your children occasionally = them automatically thinking it's ok to hit others.
Anecdote time
I was spanked growing up. I also spent 4 years attending primary school in Nigeria where corporal punishment was the norm, and guess what? I don't remember ever thinking it was ok to hit others. What I do remember was getting hit by a classmate, and not hitting her back because I knew I was not supposed to. As matter of fact, I never once got into a physical altercation with anyone except for my siblings. Maybe it was because when I was spanked, my mom was very clear on what I did wrong and what I could do to avoid the same consequences in the future.
Obviously not everyone will agree with our approach, but h and I are on the same page and I suppose that's all that matters.