Post by joshlyman on Sept 26, 2013 13:26:49 GMT -5
And I just want to add that you are a bad ass for reading all the comments and taking action. Seriously. You are already showing your awesome strength!
I am not a lawyer and I have no idea, but my suggestion is to leave things be unless he knows you are planning on leaving. I would make copies of statements and other financial info, though.
The "guess where we are moving, honey!" house purchase happened a few times with friends of my parents (and usually involved an overseas move). My mom and I have long been in agreement that it is a dick move, even when done with the best of intentions. I don't feel like this is even the best of intentions. It sounds like you are taking all the right steps.
I have not yet come out and said whether or not I was leaving. I did tell him that I wanted to be alone for awhile. I want a plan or something that resembles a plan before I tell him more. I don't know where I'm going or what I am capable of on one income.
Post by thinklikeajellyfish on Sept 26, 2013 14:00:41 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Hang in there and listen to the smart ladies on this board. You will come out of this, it will be ok. It's going to suck for a while while you figure out what you want to do and how you are going to do it, but it will someday be ok. ((@vaba))
I have not yet come out and said whether or not I was leaving. I did tell him that I wanted to be alone for awhile. I want a plan or something that resembles a plan before I tell him more. I don't know where I'm going or what I am capable of on one income.
But what did he say when you asked him why he did it? Or why he thought it was a good idea to trick you and sneak around behind your back?
I have not yet come out and said whether or not I was leaving. I did tell him that I wanted to be alone for awhile. I want a plan or something that resembles a plan before I tell him more. I don't know where I'm going or what I am capable of on one income.
This is great. Do make a plan. If you need help figuring out budget stuff, go over to MM. They will give you real, honest feedback and advice. Just don't let their honesty and bluntness scare you.
Post by shoeaholic on Sept 26, 2013 14:17:54 GMT -5
What marital assets (funds from joint savings?) is he using to buy this and pay the mortgage on it. I know you said his parents were helping, but what is his contribution going to be? If he intends to use any of your share of money including your income to pay these things then you better make darn sure you are on that deed (if you actually proceed with this). He has no right to sign you up for this by using joint funds and expecting you to pay into an asset you may end up with no rights too.
I have not yet come out and said whether or not I was leaving. I did tell him that I wanted to be alone for awhile. I want a plan or something that resembles a plan before I tell him more. I don't know where I'm going or what I am capable of on one income.
But what did he say when you asked him why he did it? Or why he thought it was a good idea to trick you and sneak around behind your back?
The lifestyle that he thinks we should have is unrealistic. The house that he bought is unnecessary and impractical. I don't care that his parents were trying to find our "forever home" because if it's something that we would struggle to afford on out own or in this instance only be able to afford with help than it's not for us.
He knows that I am strongly against asking his parents for anything which is why he went behind my back to do this. I don't know how he thought this would turn out or if he thought I would love the house too much once I saw it to really care how we were affording it.
We were approved to rent a house. He never had any intention of moving to that house, but he had to get me to look at something so that moving would make sense.
How long have you been married? Why is your husband trying to trick you into moving? Does he not see this as a huge fucking deal?
Right?! I am so wtf right now I can't really even fathom how he and his (fucked up) parents thought this was ok, like, at all ok
I'm just so sorry this is happening How manipulative and cookoo it all seems Were you aware before this that he still hadn't cut the cord with his mom yet? Yikes
But what did he say when you asked him why he did it? Or why he thought it was a good idea to trick you and sneak around behind your back?
The lifestyle that he thinks we should have is unrealistic. The house that he bought is unnecessary and impractical. I don't care that his parents were trying to find our "forever home" because if it's something that we would struggle to afford on out own or in this instance only be able to afford with help than it's not for us.
He knows that I am strongly against asking his parents for anything which is why he went behind my back to do this. I don't know how he thought this would turn out or if he thought I would love the house too much once I saw it to really care how we were affording it.
Or that he completely lied to you, deceived you and did not once ask for your input then just expects you to sit there and take it.
The price of the house does not matter (although it does show he is even more of a dumbass), it's what he did to you that matters. ((Hugs))
How long have you been married? Why is your husband trying to trick you into moving? Does he not see this as a huge fucking deal?
I hate living in Chicago. We wanted to move, but we are not ready to buy. He and now his parents think that renting is a waste of money and that home ownership is the way to go.
My inlaws are like this too but they just gave us a huge down payment. We got to pick where we bought, like both of us, they (in laws) weren't involved in the decision making at all.
But what did he say when you asked him why he did it? Or why he thought it was a good idea to trick you and sneak around behind your back?
The lifestyle that he thinks we should have is unrealistic. The house that he bought is unnecessary and impractical. I don't care that his parents were trying to find our "forever home" because if it's something that we would struggle to afford on out own or in this instance only be able to afford with help than it's not for us.
He knows that I am strongly against asking his parents for anything which is why he went behind my back to do this. I don't know how he thought this would turn out or if he thought I would love the house too much once I saw it to really care how we were affording it.
This shows his lack of respect for you right here. I would be livid if my DH did that. LIVID! Get angry woman! You have every right to be!
Does he think this is good news? Like "Surprise, my parents bought us a house!" Or did his text present it as bad news because he knows how shitty this is?
His first text said that he had some bad news about the house. I was panicking at working thinking that it fell through and on the verge of tears thinking about where we would go. Then he went on to tell me that it would be okay because there was this other house and his parents were willing to help and blah blah blah. He made it sound like it was just an idea until I shot it down and then he told me that he's already closed on it and we were never moving into the rental.
Holy fuck @vaba JFC this is so bizarre Are you really shocked here or is he controlling/ disrespectful is other areas of your relationship?
No, he's always been weird about money and he likes to be in control of the finances. I never expected him to do something this extreme without even talking to me first, but the fact that his parents are involved is not shocking at all.
Post by calledout on Sept 26, 2013 14:46:59 GMT -5
But is your H flipping out right now that he knows you are not on board? I'm just getting a very ::shrug, suck it up:: vibe right now which is batshit crazy. I need more tone / context to understand this!
But is your H flipping out right now that he knows you are not on board? I'm just getting a very ::shrug, suck it up:: vibe right now which is batshit crazy. I need more tone / context to understand this!
Of course he's flipping out. He now owns a 4 bedroom house that he doesn't need. He's flip flopped between angry and apologetic all day. I think he was in denial about the fact that this could any other way other than what he wanted. He started placing blame on me that now all of this was for nothing and now he just keeps saying I'm sorry.
No, he's always been weird about money and he likes to be in control of the finances. I never expected him to do something this extreme without even talking to me first, but the fact that his parents are involved is not shocking at all.
Do you know when this all went down?
This is why I'm wondering if it has something to do with your CW texting. Even if it was just 'one night' could your H have found out about the texts and this is his reaction?
Texting my coworker happened like a week ago. You cannot buy a house in a week. He's been planning this for months.
But is your H flipping out right now that he knows you are not on board? I'm just getting a very ::shrug, suck it up:: vibe right now which is batshit crazy. I need more tone / context to understand this!
Of course he's flipping out. He now owns a 4 bedroom house that he doesn't need. He's flip flopped between angry and apologetic all day. I think he was in denial about the fact that this could any other way other than what he wanted. He started placing blame on me that now all of this was for nothing and now he just keeps saying I'm sorry.
Him placing any of the blame on you is ridiculous.
But what did he say when you asked him why he did it? Or why he thought it was a good idea to trick you and sneak around behind your back?
The lifestyle that he thinks we should have is unrealistic. The house that he bought is unnecessary and impractical. I don't care that his parents were trying to find our "forever home" because if it's something that we would struggle to afford on out own or in this instance only be able to afford with help than it's not for us.
He knows that I am strongly against asking his parents for anything which is why he went behind my back to do this. I don't know how he thought this would turn out or if he thought I would love the house too much once I saw it to really care how we were affording it.
Oh God. @vaba. Listen to me. Get out now.
I was typing out a whole long post about my background with my soon-to-be-EX-husband, who sounds JUST LIKE your H. But it was getting ramby. I'll summarize: his parents loaned us the down payment on a 4 bedroom house when we were NOT married and I was 20, he was 22. I knew then it was the WORST IDEA EVER, but I said nothing. He still refuses to admit that his parents fucked us over. No, they were doing us a FAVOR! How could I be ungrateful?!! Even when he DID admit that we should probably try to sell the house because it was too goddamned much, he couldn't do it. Because it was tied to his parents' "generosity."
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
But is your H flipping out right now that he knows you are not on board? I'm just getting a very ::shrug, suck it up:: vibe right now which is batshit crazy. I need more tone / context to understand this!
Of course he's flipping out. He now owns a 4 bedroom house that he doesn't need. He's flip flopped between angry and apologetic all day. I think he was in denial about the fact that this could any other way other than what he wanted. He started placing blame on me that now all of this was for nothing and now he just keeps saying I'm sorry.
He is trying to manipulate you. This is classic behavior.
You are not to blame in any way. And the fact he is controlling over other aspects...get yourself out of this situation.
Post by EmilieMadison on Sept 26, 2013 15:52:23 GMT -5
If you dont GTF out of there, then just realize that this has set the biggest precedent for your marriage and your future. YOUR opinions dont matter. It's ok to LIE to you. His PARENTS get to make the decisions. If this is what they're all willing to do to you, then blame YOU when you're not happy about being betrayed and lied to, then you have to realize that this isn't the stopping point. This is just the beginning.
Of course he's flipping out. He now owns a 4 bedroom house that he doesn't need. He's flip flopped between angry and apologetic all day. I think he was in denial about the fact that this could any other way other than what he wanted. He started placing blame on me that now all of this was for nothing and now he just keeps saying I'm sorry.
He is trying to manipulate you. This is classic behavior.
You are not to blame in any way. And the fact he is controlling over other aspects...get yourself out of this situation.
He's not sorry. HE IS NOT SORRY! HE'S NOT SORRY! HE. IS. NOT. SORRY!