parents...a ?

[Deleted]

Not a deeper feeling really. It was more of a logical realization that I would always be connected to him.

[speckledfrog]

No. We have a pretty stable relationship, though. Didn't you guys go through a rough patch not too far back?

ETA:  I'll add that I don't think it changed our relationship that much but at this stage in the game we spend more time tag team parenting and therefore less actual time together.

[daisybuchannan]

Honestly, no. That doesn't mean we don't have a good relationship though.

[underwaterrhymes]

I would definitely focus on your relationship and what might be missing BEFORE you have kids.

My H and I had a huge connection before we had the baby. I really believe we were meant to be together.

It's gotten so much more meaningful in some ways - he's always been awesome, but he's loads more awesome now. But also a lot harder in others. Sex is a lot more rushed, for one, but we're also a lot snippier with each other, mostly due to lack of sleep. I still love the shit out of this man, obviously, and he's the person I want to spend my entire life with, but our patience with each other has decreased a lot since we had a baby.

[Deleted]

Lol bc having a baby solidified my decision to get divorced.

[firedancer49]

Oct 1, 2013 19:36:40 GMT -5 Que? said:

Ugh. You probably don't really want me to answer this.

This was going to be my answer.  

[jaycee]

Having kids brought a whole new level of stress to our otherwise pretty good relationship. I'd say we have a deeper connection because we've been through a whole lot more now compared to before we had kids.

[livinitup]

I had an easy pregnancy and baby ... and I was pretty independent before marriage and pregnancy ... and I was still amazed at how much I appreciated, loved and adored my DH for helping me through the pregnancy and being a plugged-in wonderful dad. It wasn't anything that was missing before, it was just SO NEEDED while PG and with a baby - and holy shit! this guy is amazing (not all the time, but he really is a partner and thank god that I have that). So yeah, having a child and a partner who is plugged-in brings a deeper connection with him. And I totally get the seething resentment (which leads to divorce) if he wasn't so all-in. I get it. You just can't do it all or fake it when a LO is in the mix.

[TrudyCampbell]

I do, actually, but I certainly don't think a baby is the answer for everyone.

[eddy]

Yes, but that was because children strengthened our committment to each other. Stakes were higher and we needed each other more.

[Booze Raccoon]

If you think there is a connection missing between you and your husband, it's my experience that having a child would actually drive that wedge farther. Kids take a lot of energy and it leaves you little time for each other. You have to work at making it work. Also different parenting strategies are just more topics to argue over.

Of course there are small things like you might feel more in love with your H as you see him caring for your baby.

But if you think that having a baby will strengthen an already rocky relationship, you're sorely mistaken.

[dizzydee]

Don't have a baby to fix your relationship or gain some sort of "connection". I think your relationship should be super strong already and children just are an added extra.

And I'm not trying to be a bitch, but didn't your husband just cheat on you a couple months back? Am I thinking of the wrong person?

[rugbywife]

Meh, it was mostly just something that made us both happy since getting pregnant was hard for us. Now he loves my boobs even more but also loves my belly, which makes me feel beautiful despite the bloat/gain.

But I don't think our relationship is 'stronger'.

[EmilieMadison]

It gave me a connection to him that I didn't have before, and it has changed the depth and dynamic of a relationship for the better, but we already had a very strong and stable relationship.

I don't think having a kid can make up for something you feel is lacking with your husband. I don't believe that if you feel like something is missing from your relationship with your husband, that it's a baby that's missing.

sent from: I'm on my phone, don't expect much.

[themoneytree]

No. In fact the past 2 months have been some of the roughest in our almost 11 year marriage (we have a 15 month old).

It's weird because she was a tough infant - reflux and colicky. Now she's much, much easier and my relationship with H has drifted a bit during the easier part which I hadn't expected. I think we are doing the parents first, couple second thing which we always swore we wouldn't do.

Our relationship isn't bad, it's just that it's mainly been really good. It's one of the things I have been really proud of. Now I just feel like a Mom and wife, and less a lover and partner. I hope it comes back because I miss the super strong bond we had before.

Mainly I think our issue is that I would like a 2nd kid and he wouldn't. That has put a strain on us and we're not having as much sex which I really miss.

Don't have kids to make your not great marital bond stronger. It won't. I think great marriages can be even greater, but not great ones may really struggle with the addition of kids.

[hymen]

Well, our sex life has suffered.

I have found that I love my husband now as the father to my DS. It's just one more layer of love, I guess? We definitely don't have as much couple time though (obviously). But I definitely love him more as I see him interact with and father our kid.

[firedancer49]

My thing was that dh was always pretty lazy, which was brought out more after we had dd. Also partly my fault bc I needed things my way, or else. So he couldn't do anything to my standards (I was a bit crazy). Then he travels all.the.time for work, while I was always at home or at work, so everything landed on me. By the time he would be home from a trip I was so exhausted that I was pretty much ridiculous and needed/wanted him to do more, but it had to be my way. Then I got very resentful of all his traveling and 'getting a break' when I never got one. So I think it was pretty rough after its gotten better now, but dd is 5.
I still remember when my friend was pregnant and her boyfriend kept saying all the things he was going to do for the baby, like being the one to get up in the middle of the night or always doing baths, etc etc. I was the bitch that said to her 'believe it when you see it' bc my dh said all those things and did none of them. Like I said, I was cRazy.

[bonquiqui]

I don't mean this in a way that babies fix everything, but I truly believe that if exh and I had kids, we would not be divorced.  I think we lost our way, and became disconnected.  Not to say that would be a good thing.  I just really think if we had our families close, and we had some sort of common bond, we would still be together.  With that being said, it is a good thing we didn't have kids, because we obviously don't need to be together.  

[wanderlustmom]

Yes, we have a stronger bond now but I think we would have gotten that anyway from more years being married and loving each other. Although, seeing him parent makes me love him on a different level. Having kids definitely gives us less time together.

[underwaterrhymes]

Oct 1, 2013 19:47:47 GMT -5 @dovey1122 said:

Please don't mistake me asking this to mean babies fix marriages. I absolutely know that is not the case

I don't think the implications are that you're looking to fix your marriage through a baby.

It's just that babies are incredible and awesome in so many ways, but also challenging for even strong, stable, and happy relationships.

You just want to make sure that the things that are currently missing are not that strength, stability, and happiness. If you're looking to build them up, it's better to do it as a couple than through a child.

[Deleted]

Sort of? I mean, before I could come home from work and do fuckall til morning, with or without him. Now there's a baby so I can't just check out. This can be good or bad for us. Good is that when he does something that helps me, big or small, I really appreciate and love him for it. Bad is when he half asses something I get so pissed off. Um, maybe ask me again in a year. This is a newish setup.

[sailorgray]

I wouldn't say having kids made us have a deeper connection. We just have a different type of connection now. I never felt like we were missing a connection, though. 

[onomatopoeia]

There are moments where I feel this way, definitely. Although sometimes it's in a "I guess I'm stuck with you now" kinda way. Then there are kid-related moments where I wonder who I even married. This was certainly the case at the beginning. So yes and no, guess?

Overall I would say that yes, I have a general sense of feeling more deeply connected to him. I appreciate him on a whole new level, which I wouldn't have been exposed to if we had not had children.

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2013 19:33:30 GMT -5 @dovey1122 said:

I've been wanting to ask this for a while now,  but not sure how to ask it so here it goes. 

Do you feel that having a child(ren) gave you a deeper connection with your husband? 

Don't get me wrong, i love my husband and he's a great man,  but sometimes i feel that there's a connection missing. I feel that we are missing something. 

Is that my biological clock I'm trying to ignore? 

Don't you have a stepkid? Like long-time stepkid? How would your relationship with your H be any different if you had a baby? You are both parenting already. Is there not a united front connection going on there now?

[okla]

Oct 1, 2013 19:56:47 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I remember the X-ray.

Yeah. So the cheating with his subordinate did or did not happen?

[melindafelinda]

Uh, what? I hope you are not trying to pretend it never happened. Because that is not healthy at all. My parents should never had children. And although I don't blame my mom, I wish they had just worked on their relationship without risking the future health and happiness of my brothers and sister and I by having children when they didn't have a stable relationship.

[karinothing]

Yes, very much so. But it would have made things 10000 times worse if we had not had a strong connection/relationship to begin with.

[bab]

A child will not "create" a connection that was not already there.

[melindafelinda]

You showed us her picture...

[bab]

Oct 1, 2013 20:02:15 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Oct 1, 2013 19:57:19 GMT -5 mofongo said:

But something did happen, right? I'm not trying to be an ass, I think we're just looking out for you here.

I think it was an emotional affair with someone that worked under him, wasn't it?

I don't care what anyone says, emotional affairs are cheating. 
In fact, I would be more upset if my partner had a long term emotional affair rather than a one night stand. 


I know this may be flameowrthy.