Post by gretchenindisguise on Oct 26, 2013 20:18:13 GMT -5
And at 17 I wouldn't let a sibling in my room that ate my frosting either. But id force the other kid in my room just to make a point. Ah the power plays of a 17 year old.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Am I the only one wondering why they are eating frosting like it is a main course? Why did she need someone to go out for new frosting? Was she planning to bake? Was she thinking of having a bowl of frosting later (since she knows not to eat from the can and all).
Joy, this is a Scott problem, not a 17-year-old problem,don't you think?
Yes I agree he has been like this as long as we have been together. He doesn't want to be the bad guy.
So for as long as you have been with her father he has refused to set any real boundaries and has allowed her to do whatever she wants and treats people however she wants and yet you're here asking how you should "fix" HER.
I have nothing to add except to say that I eat frosting from the can and I'm 38, so....
YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THIS.
See, here's the thing...isn't a spoonful out of the container better than scooping it out into a bowl? That just seems to the cross the [admittedly very thin] line into obscenity.
PLUS it creates another dirty dish, and Mother Earth and the environment and all that... That will be my argument next time DH raises an eyebrow to me sneaking a spoonful of ice cream.
To answer your original question, what you do with the whining 17-year-old is to not give in on the house rules and insist that Scott stop kowtowing to her unreasonable demands. Do this over and over. Eventually she'll become tolerable as she gets older.
But keep in mind her behavior is not unusual for a girl her age coming from a divorce with shared custody.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
And really. What you do with a whiny 17 yo is love and understand them. practice restraint. Deep breath. Think of their lack of judgment and understanding at this age, and stretch yours to the limit. this kid needs more love than most, more understanding than most; she's in a bad spot and has some reason to feel like the world is not as she would have it. You will never be sorry for being kind to this kid; and time is short with her in any event.
I'm not a bad stepmom. I treat her no different than I do my own kids. Like I said she doesn't eat what we cook and expects that someone should go out and get her something else. Her father has allowed her to act like this. She just ordered him to go get new frosting and he went out to do it. She wouldn't even go with him and now she is letting my son in her room but not my daughter.
There in lies your problem. IMO people are kind of being hard on you here. I don't get the "I don't like my stepdaughter" vibe from you. I get that you're frustrated and fuck, dealing with a 17 year old is hard even if she is your own. She is going to think everything sucks because when you're 17, you think it does.
I think your H needs to buck up and "be proactive" himself and discipline his child (along with you).
You are in her home (if that is where she primarily lives) and are a position of power over her but she has no certainty that you or your kids will stay around. I'm not saying she should act the way she does. However, trust and respect take time to build (she should be faking it, but she's 17). She might not feel like the foundation is strong enough to put in the effort. That might be compounding the problem.
Which is also *her home* (just like it's your kids' home) if that is where she primarily lives. Her home is with you right now. It became that when your BF moved in, you gave her a key, and you told her she could live there. Recognizing that is the first step towards empathy.
This is such an interesting statement. So it's not her home, at all. It's your home, and you live there with your children; and your SO lives there, and now his daughter has come to live there with you too. So she has absolutely no home, at all. You really don't like this kid, do you, and you want her to move back with her mom, so you can have things back the way they should be, with the SO helping you with your kids, and his kid not being an issue for you.
No that's not it someone said I live in her home and that can be compounding the problem. I was just stating a fact read the comment above. I don't dislike her she's a good kid just got her first acceptance paper from a college. She's a good student and doesn't do drugs or drink. It's just her attitude towards things I take issue with sometimes. I've been part of their lives for three years now. It's not just her that had this sense of entitlement her sister does also is because S felt bad for leaving and he never wanted to be the bad guy.
This is such an interesting statement. So it's not her home, at all. It's your home, and you live there with your children; and your SO lives there, and now his daughter has come to live there with you too. So she has absolutely no home, at all. You really don't like this kid, do you, and you want her to move back with her mom, so you can have things back the way they should be, with the SO helping you with your kids, and his kid not being an issue for you.
No that's not it someone said I live in her home and that can be compounding the problem. I was just stating a fact read the comment above. I don't dislike her she's a good kid just got her first acceptance paper from a college. She's a good student and doesn't do drugs or drink. It's just her attitude towards things I take issue with sometimes. I've been part of their lives for three years now. It's not just her that had this sense of entitlement her sister does also is because S felt bad for leaving and he never wanted to be the bad guy.
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No. I said the fact you aren't married could be compounding the problem. You are not married to her dad. She doesn't know how long you or your kids are going to be in her life. But you are still in a position of power over her and share a home. It's a tricky line to walk.
I am pissed at him but whenever I say something he down plays it and tells me I'm over reacting. or I should step up and act like a non and say something to her. We've had this discussion a lot. I told him she needs to do chores and he has never made her do a thing he cleans up after her.
Post by themoneytree on Oct 26, 2013 22:20:22 GMT -5
This sounds like a really difficult situation for everyone involved. I have also lived it and felt like I had no home from when I was 14 (went to boarding school) and truthfully earlier than that.
I am not saying that this is your fault at all. It must be super frustrating for you. It must be agonizing for your husband and it must be painful for your step daughter.
For all of your sakes try hard to set aside your frustration and lead with kindness. I could have really used some kindness from my step moms and never, ever got it. It seriously affects things to this day (I'm 36). It's fucking tragic really and it's interesting how painful it is even as an adult with my own family.
You don't sound anything like my step moms, both of whom have major issues, but you do have disfunction within your family. This girl's Mom has kicked her out. Her Dad is tiptoeing around her. You are (understandably) frustrated with her. She must feel insecure as all hell and is probably pushing and testing to see what it will take to get her kicked out of your home too.
I don't envy you your position at all, but I agree with the kill her with kindness suggested by others. Try and work out some firm but kind techniques to use when SD is really pushing your buttons. Have a come to Jesus talk with your husband, but approach it with kindness and understanding towards his daughter or he will just feel even more protective.
I wish you luck and hope your family ends up in a good place.
I can't imagine how tough a road it is you are having to go on. But he jumps jumps up and caters to her? He clearly feels guilt about not being there for her growing up, which is understandable. But he has to stop that behavior. She is a child in your care and you and your so need to have boundaries set and be a united front. Dh and I struggle all the time with my dd over how to parent. She is my baby girl and I tend to be more lax on the parenting front. He grew up in a very military sort of rules house while I didnt, and everyone had their own voice. I try to let him take the reigns when she doesn't do chores or something he deems not respectful and it is hard. Sometimes I do agree with her side but he is my partner so I go along but only if it is justified. It causes huge issues around here. They both want to be right and I tend to side with dd but only if Dh goes way outside the bounds on what he thinks I'd punishable. If she royally screws up, her ass is mine and she now has extra chores. There are many times we disagree and we get into arguments about her. It sucks. You need to have a long talk with him about expectations and boundaries.
Her mom called S and told him to come get her out of her house. She sees her mom everyother when's and sometimes during the week.
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Dude, this makes me kind of sad for her. Not that I am not getting how tough the role of step-parent must be, but jeez. She knows her mom doesn't really want her around and then she lives in a space where perhaps she feels and knows it is not really hers. So where does she belong?
I think S needs to fucking step up and be honest with his kids and be tough when need be. I also think these girls could do with some help on the side. It sounds like there is a lot of hurt and anger there, and rightly so, and maybe working with someone would help.
Did I say that, Captain Projecting? No. Her tone in her OP made me wonder exactly how open and accepting she was, especially itsy no background information and the "go back to your mom's house then" because she was whining abut frosting. So slow your roll.
sorry, yo. you're right about the step parenting posts getting to me. if this had been her biological daughter, everybody would have commiserated about how hard parenting is but because it's her stepkid there's all this bullshit about not being loving enough. living with a bitchy teenager is miserable, ESPECIALLY when it feels like she's not technically your responsibility. i know that the daughter is in a shitty situation, but that doesn't mean that joy just needs to hug her more. uuughggh!! stepparenting is hard.
I don't doubt how hard it is, but in this scenario she set it up that she was not upset with her own daughter, when she should have, and instead was only pissed off at the 17 yo. I would have been annoyed with both, to be honest.
Lord, I cannot tell you how much I dreading the teen years.