Oh god, I HATE it when my H exaggerates. I find myself thinking that the relationship can only handle one drama queen, and I've played that role since the very beginning. He can't change that shit up on me now!
I am the Cameron to his Mitchell. There are rules, H. This isn't Nam!
My H can be such a victim.............
OMG, yes this! H is a brilliant idiot. Seriously, when I call him out on his shit, he'll act like he's the injured one of the party. Like how dare I ever be upset with him?
Sometimes when people ask me when I'm having a kid, I say, "why would I? I have one trapped in a 38 year old body."
I finally remember one where I was at fault. Ever since getting pregnant with ZB I stopped cleaning the cat litter (because vomit and litter are gross together, mmmkay?). Since I fell out of the habit, DH has been cleaning the boxes more often than I do. We have a really finicky cat that doesn't use the box if it's dirtier than she likes. So I come home, clean the mess on the floor, and then mention to him that he really needs to clean the boxes more often. He gave me a look and then it was on like Donkey Kong.
I was totally, 100% in the wrong. When I calmed down I owned it.
I got really used to not doing things while pregnant with A, and then doing less because I was the one nursing, getting up in the middle of the night, doing bedtime. So A got to be close to a year and he wasn't nursing much and STTN and bedtime was quick and easy but I just didn't take back my fair share of the rest of the household. That one wasn't even a fight. MrP called me out and I was like "yup, I suck". And then like a month later I was pregnant again. Oops.
Clearly he just can't resist a woman who does her fair share of the housework. What's that old saying about man doing the dishes being sexy?
So DH tells me about this idea at dinner the other night in a way that tells me he was completely gobsmacked that I thought it was THE SINGLE STUPIDEST FUCKING IDEA HE'D HAD SINCE THE SINK INCIDENT. <---- Didn't say out loud.
OMG. Cannot stop laughing.
Never leave us again, sbp. That was a dark, dark time.
One time I went on strike. Because I was so sick of being the only person to do the dishes. And this was during the Cold War Year (first year of PTS's life when I hated him so much I didn't care if he lived or died, but I didn't talk about any of it). So I refused to wash a single dish. I just let them stack up. For days. Next to the sink, in the sink, on the tables. And we got to the point where we had to start using paper plates. Evidently DH got the hint. Sort of. He put every single one of the dishes (which was almost every single one of the dishes in our entire house) in to the sink. He had to use both sides of the double basin. Then he squirts Dawn over the tops of them and fills both sides of the sink with water and motherfucking leaves for work. I come home from work at maybe 5:00 and our undermounted sink has pulled away from the underside of the fucking countertop because of the weight of the water and the dishes in both sides of the sink. Asshole broke my fucking kitchen sink. Water everywhere. Cold, dirty, mildly soapy water to boot. He comes home from work all "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!" And I was just like, "Guess you'll have to move them to the tub." Cold War continued.
Post by secretlyevil on Oct 29, 2013 14:30:45 GMT -5
@majorwife - don't beat yourself up, but apologize, nnot for the point you were trying to make just how you went about doing it. It TOTALLY SUCKS DONKEY BALLS to apologize but it really does go a long way.
I've been a little sensitive lately with the return of PPD so we've had a few lately. Yesterday he mentioned after the kids were in bed that I hadn't really picked up the house. I had a fussy baby and a 3 year-old who's not getting the attention he's used to. My day is full and I'm lucky I got to shower. I was sitting there putting together the treat bags for DS's class Halloween party and I didn't say a word to him the rest of the night.
I've been a little sensitive lately with the return of PPD so we've had a few lately. Yesterday he mentioned after the kids were in bed that I hadn't really picked up the house. I had a fussy baby and a 3 year-old who's not getting the attention he's used to. My day is full and I'm lucky I got to shower. I was sitting there putting together the treat bags for DS's class Halloween party and I didn't say a word to him the rest of the night.
I've been a little sensitive lately with the return of PPD so we've had a few lately. Yesterday he mentioned after the kids were in bed that I hadn't really picked up the house. I had a fussy baby and a 3 year-old who's not getting the attention he's used to. My day is full and I'm lucky I got to shower. I was sitting there putting together the treat bags for DS's class Halloween party and I didn't say a word to him the rest of the night.
Dude would have had his ass handed to him.
He knows he fucked up. He knows if I yell that I will eventually calm down but if I'm silent I'm tallying up what a divorce will cost.
Oh...to share one that was 100% my fault - we actually broke up for approx 12 hours in college because of a fight I picked. Kinda.
I was drunk and he made an offhand comment about how it sucked that one friend of ours was kinda falling off the map as the end of our senior year came to a close. I pointed out that she was going to be there for another semester to finish her masters and she was probably trying to mentally transition herself to being there without all of us. (she kept blowing us off to hang out with a different group of friends who were mostly underclassmen. which was lame, but I kinda understood where she was coming from) He said that it was sucky regardless, and I - who had been holding onto this festering resentment about how he'd been avoiding any conversation about what was going to happen to our relationship after school and was kinda feeling like shit about the whole thing - blew up on his ass. Tears. Screaming. Ultimatums. It was ugly.
It ended with me standing at his door yelling that if he wanted me to come inside he had to ask me since I couldn't assume I was welcome. He just walked away into his bedroom and closed the door. I stormed off down the street sobbing like a crazy person and called my BFF to come pick me up because I was too drunk to drive myself home. I slept on her couch and went shopping in the morning with her roommate - and during the course of this shopping trip while attempting to bitch about the whole thing to her realized that I was the nutter in this story. Around lunch time I called him and before he even said hi I just said, "so, look - I was drunk. Can we just pretend that didn't happen?" He and said yes, and bam, all fixed.
Well, not exactly fixed. He still refused to talk about if we going stay together after graduation and we ended up breaking up for a month when he left pittsburgh. we got back together after I moved to Maryland when he texted me offering to help me moving furniture. I was "hah! I'm not calling that asshole" but then I did actually really need help moving furniture. So I called him, he brought his mom's volvo to pick up my couch from ikea, carried it up the stairs for me and then he didn't leave my apt for a week and we moved in together 6 months later. Awwww, happy endings.
I've been a little sensitive lately with the return of PPD so we've had a few lately. Yesterday he mentioned after the kids were in bed that I hadn't really picked up the house. I had a fussy baby and a 3 year-old who's not getting the attention he's used to. My day is full and I'm lucky I got to shower. I was sitting there putting together the treat bags for DS's class Halloween party and I didn't say a word to him the rest of the night.
Wait what.
According to your siggy, your kid was born 9/9? so.....6 weeks old? and he's "mentioning" that you hadn't picked up the house??? OH HELL NO. that's not being sensitive or anything. that's your H being dead wrong.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Oct 29, 2013 14:52:35 GMT -5
We fight a good bit about holidays. DH thinks I hate his family (don't hate them, just don't like them and prefer not to spend time with them). They never plan stuff, and that is not how me or my family rolls. Cue massive arguments. It is better now because I am more chill and because he has started, very slowly, to realize that his parents suck.
We also have the dynamic where I remember everything he has done wrong that makes me mad, and he IEEE can't remember the supposed things I did wrong, or is wrong about them. Like last week when he insisted this blanket was a gift from his friend. Well, actually we bought it together on vacation, and my mom was there, so I call my mom and she, of course, remembers too.
So now he gets mad that I am better at fighting because I remember things, so I have an unfair advantage.
My h is begging for a fight that will most likely be my fault.
I had a really bad depressive day yesterday. Like bad enough that my quick nap turned into 5 hours, and I missed work. I was so embarrassed and horrified even though it was nbd to my boss.
So this morning h leaves a note for me to clean the kitchen, don't drink, and don't eat frozen food.
Yes, I lived off jimmy dean sandwiches yesterday. And I didn't clean a damn thing. But I was sober. Wtf. I'd be mad, but I'm afraid it will result in tallying up my failures, so I'm ignoring it for now.
We are both type A first born hot heads who can be dramatic. So yes. We have had doozies. I also don't feel comfortable recounting them and tend to forget them when they are over. We are trying to be good....conversationalists for the kid though. And have done a pretty good job at it. Therapy would probably help us. How to have spousal disagreements when a child is present would be really helpful for us.
Rather unceremoniously. He cleaned up the water, drained the sink, rinsed the dishes in the sink and put them in the dishwasher like a normal person and I called a friends father who is a contractor to re-seal our sink and add braces to make it extra secure.
The biggest fight we had (that I can remember) is when H told me I had to quit my freelance writing when I started working part time. He just told me I had to quit. I was PISSED over that. And I didn't quit... until the company went under a month later. So there!
We're about to be in a fight because he told his family we could go to their pre-Christmas get-together that hasn't even been set in stone yet, but might fall on the same weekend as MY family get-together that has been planned for 6 months and happens every year. NO.
We fight pretty much anytime we see my family. Make that every time.
Oh boy the holidays really can amp up the arguments, his family pulls guilt trips like no other and it drives me crazy.
YES. And I have decades of practice dealing with their passive aggression. It's hard to train a spouse to tolerate what you've grown up with.
Post by vanillacourage on Oct 29, 2013 15:32:57 GMT -5
I did debate in high school - was pretty good at it. At the outset of the last blowup I can remember, right as I was getting going, DH just walked away from me and when I was all OH NO YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE AND LET'S DO THIS he said, "you're good at fighting. I'm not - every point that I make, you have three rebuttals, and I can't keep track of it all, so yeah, no."
He also pissed me off so badly one day I started jumping up and down on one of his suits and proceeded to slide it across the floor like it was a magic carpet. At the end I had jumped around so much I looked like a troll doll.
My h is begging for a fight that will most likely be my fault.
I had a really bad depressive day yesterday. Like bad enough that my quick nap turned into 5 hours, and I missed work. I was so embarrassed and horrified even though it was nbd to my boss.
So this morning h leaves a note for me to clean the kitchen, don't drink, and don't eat frozen food.
Yes, I lived off jimmy dean sandwiches yesterday. And I didn't clean a damn thing. But I was sober. Wtf. I'd be mad, but I'm afraid it will result in tallying up my failures, so I'm ignoring it for now.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Oct 29, 2013 16:12:52 GMT -5
In reading this, (BTW, "Slinging Dick" still has me laughing!), I am realizing we are matrimonial festivus types. We'll blow out once or twice a year, but for the most part things are pretty chill. Weirder, I am remembering that he gets Seasonal Affective issues like a mofo. Our barn-burners are usually in like, March, when in IL it has been dark and cold FOREVER. Also, I would like to thank the 8#, 6oz baby Jesus he does not take Keppra anymore because that made him impossible to deal with at times.
I think our all out best doozy would be the time he wanted to go off on me for well over an hour after a softball game we played in. This is park district, adult league, 16inch softball. It is supposed to be FUN. Well, we lost. And Captain Keppra was pissed that I did not "try" hard enough. Then he decided he needed to be "more understanding of our differences." You see, his parents raised him to push himself at all times, and to always put his all into everything he does. Where as mine clearly did not.
That lead to a giant "discussion" from me about if that was the case, why was he still working on his bachelor's degree at 32 whereas I had finished college, put myself through law school, passed the GD bar exam, AND THEN went and got my LLM? Wow, clearly my parents never raised me to push myself, its amazing I ever bothered to learn to read!
Or the time I just started screaming at the top of my lungs, "Just apologize! what the fuck is wrong with you! say you're sorry! say you're sorry! Why didnt' your mother teach you to say you're FUCKING SORRY EVER!!!! SAY IT! JUST FUCKING SAY IT!!!!!!!" (he did in fact say he was sorry at the end of that one)
Haven't read rest of thread but had this.exact.fight. with DH about a month ago. Like, exactly.
Really just ditto you and eclaires because...wow...feeling less alone in my ragey-fightin' must-confront ways.
I try, but I genuinely suck at the silent treatment. Really, really suck.
In reading this, (BTW, "Slinging Dick" still has me laughing!), I am realizing we are matrimonial festivus types. We'll blow out once or twice a year, but for the most part things are pretty chill. Weirder, I am remembering that he gets Seasonal Affective issues like a mofo. Our barn-burners are usually in like, March, when in IL it has been dark and cold FOREVER. Also, I would like to thank the 8#, 6oz baby Jesus he does not take Keppra anymore because that made him impossible to deal with at times.
I think our all out best doozy would be the time he wanted to go off on me for well over an hour after a softball game we played in. This is park district, adult league, 16inch softball. It is supposed to be FUN. Well, we lost. And Captain Keppra was pissed that I did not "try" hard enough. Then he decided he needed to be "more understanding of our differences." You see, his parents raised him to push himself at all times, and to always put his all into everything he does. Where as mine clearly did not.
That lead to a giant "discussion" from me about if that was the case, why was he still working on his bachelor's degree at 32 whereas I had finished college, put myself through law school, passed the GD bar exam, AND THEN went and got my LLM? Wow, clearly my parents never raised me to push myself, its amazing I ever bothered to learn to read!
He never again went there.
nothing you can say from this point on will make me hate you, now that you have said that
My only contribution is to say that I adore this thread. And @majorwife, you don't suck. And this thread has made me no longer secretly fear that I'm neurotic and nuts.
Or, I am neurotic and nuts, but I have lots of company, so it's ok.
It's nice to be in such good company. I can't recall any specific fights but over the years we've had some goods ones. I do tend to get mad, blow up and get over it which is probably a good thing.
You know what this thread tells me? We've all been awful, and we've received awful, and we generally still having loving wonderful marriages. Perfect doesn't mean no argument.
H and I "fight" all the time because we are both incredibly dramatic. I'm not really comfortable talking about the worst for-real fight we had but I remember we were arguing about something on the phone back when we first started dating (and were 20 and still lived at home) and he told me I was uneducated, unemployed and immature. And I hung up on him and SOBBED because my feelings were so hurt and he showed up at my house like, twenty minutes later with flowers and I was all "NO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" and my mom was all "Uh, what the hell is going on in my living room right now?"
ETA: Our bad fights usually revolve around him telling me to calm down or not to act crazy and then I get really fucking pissed because I HATE IT when people tell me to calm down or not act crazy when I know I'm not having a Bette Davis moment and then I start with the "I'M NOT CRAZY BUT IF YOU WANT CRAZY I CAN SHOW YOU FUCKING CRAZY" and then I proceed to show him crazy and he's all "WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION" and then it's on. Like Donkey Kong.
SO MUCH the bolded.
Overall, this pretty much describes H and me. We fight semi frequently. Especially now because my hormones are so fucking out of whack, the poor man just doesn't know what he's coming home to. Most of the time, he is patient and understanding...occasionally, my drama is a bit much for him. It's just one dynamic of our relationship.
We also "argue" a lot (and I mean that word in a "not fighting" way. It's more discussion when we have differing views). Especially when I was working in the criminal judge's office. We had....philosophical constitutional differences on certain things that I had to research and write a judicial opinion on. I think that was the biggest fight. It wasn't pretty. This also happens occasionally with guns.
Also, when we fight, it's ugly. We've gotten better about saying things you can't take back (well, he has, I really don't do that), but when we fight..we FIGHT.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley