I did debate in high school - was pretty good at it. At the outset of the last blowup I can remember, right as I was getting going, DH just walked away from me and when I was all OH NO YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE AND LET'S DO THIS he said, "you're good at fighting. I'm not - every point that I make, you have three rebuttals, and I can't keep track of it all, so yeah, no."
OMG! So much this, too. That makes him rage-y (and it kind of makes me laugh a little inside).
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
H and I "fight" all the time because we are both incredibly dramatic. I'm not really comfortable talking about the worst for-real fight we had but I remember we were arguing about something on the phone back when we first started dating (and were 20 and still lived at home) and he told me I was uneducated, unemployed and immature. And I hung up on him and SOBBED because my feelings were so hurt and he showed up at my house like, twenty minutes later with flowers and I was all "NO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" and my mom was all "Uh, what the hell is going on in my living room right now?"
ETA: Our bad fights usually revolve around him telling me to calm down or not to act crazy and then I get really fucking pissed because I HATE IT when people tell me to calm down or not act crazy when I know I'm not having a Bette Davis moment and then I start with the "I'M NOT CRAZY BUT IF YOU WANT CRAZY I CAN SHOW YOU FUCKING CRAZY" and then I proceed to show him crazy and he's all "WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION" and then it's on. Like Donkey Kong.
SO MUCH the bolded.
Overall, this pretty much describes H and me. We fight semi frequently. Especially now because my hormones are so fucking out of whack, the poor man just doesn't know what he's coming home to. Most of the time, he is patient and understanding...occasionally, my drama is a bit much for him. It's just one dynamic of our relationship.
We also "argue" a lot (and I mean that word in a "not fighting" way. It's more discussion when we have differing views). Especially when I was working in the criminal judge's office. We had....philosophical constitutional differences on certain things that I had to research and write a judicial opinion on. I think that was the biggest fight. It wasn't pretty. This also happens occasionally with guns.
Also, when we fight, it's ugly. We've gotten better about saying things you can't take back (well, he has, I really don't do that), but when we fight..we FIGHT.
Overall, this pretty much describes H and me. We fight semi frequently. Especially now because my hormones are so fucking out of whack, the poor man just doesn't know what he's coming home to. Most of the time, he is patient and understanding...occasionally, my drama is a bit much for him. It's just one dynamic of our relationship.
We also "argue" a lot (and I mean that word in a "not fighting" way. It's more discussion when we have differing views). Especially when I was working in the criminal judge's office. We had....philosophical constitutional differences on certain things that I had to research and write a judicial opinion on. I think that was the biggest fight. It wasn't pretty. This also happens occasionally with guns.
Also, when we fight, it's ugly. We've gotten better about saying things you can't take back (well, he has, I really don't do that), but when we fight..we FIGHT.
Ugh--this has been happening a lot in our house, and it makes me nuts. It's bad enough to fight about something in our relationship, like sex or division of chores or anything else that's "us." But to fight--and I mean loud-to-hollering voices and "fuck it--I'm done with this conversation" kind of fighting--about guns or or voter ID or whether or not Bill O'Reilly really is crazy or if he's just "performing"? Seriously? This shit happens in my house.
And H might be in a bad mood or just feeling frustrated and cantankerous but for whatever reason can't or won't articulate that he's 1/3 off his nut that night and then takes a patently ridiculous and indefensible position on something and we argue it into the ground. And I start to wonder how it's possible that I've been with this man for ten years and didn't realize that he should be institutionalized until just now, and I finally just tell him I'm done with this crazy fucking conversation and stop fucking talking to me already.
And then the next day he'll admit that he knew he was being irrational but couldn't actually admit it--even to himself--at the time.
I'm getting exhausted and cranky just typing that out, LOL.
I don't consider what you bolded fights...but they can turn into them. Sometimes, my H just likes to poke the bear. I'm very passionate about some things, so he will sit and poke the bear.... sometimes I engage, sometimes I don't...but when I do, it has the potential of getting ugly, lol.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
Ours was pretty ridiculous. It was a few months after we got married. DH is really good about sharing the daily chores, and will do anything I ask him to do or put on a list. But, I end up doing nearly all of the invisible labor (things like remembering that we need frozen peas, laying meat out for dinner the night before, checking the smoke detectors, etc.- essentially, non routine chores that, by themselves take almost no time, but add up over time.) It ended in me explaining, "Yeah. You know how some things just 'magically' get done at our house? It's not magic. And if you didn't do it, I did!" The conversation erupted into giggles when I ended up yelling melodramatically (through snot bubbles) "And.You.Never.Buy.Stamps!!!"
To this day that's one of our phrases that's worked our way into our couple vocabulary.
Ours was pretty ridiculous. It was a few months after we got married. DH is really good about sharing the daily chores, and will do anything I ask him to do or put on a list. But, I end up doing nearly all of the invisible labor (things like remembering that we need frozen peas, laying meat out for dinner the night before, checking the smoke detectors, etc.- essentially, non routine chores that, by themselves take almost no time, but add up over time.) It ended in me explaining, "Yeah. You know how some things just 'magically' get done at our house? It's not magic. And if you didn't do it, I did!" The conversation erupted into giggles when I ended up yelling melodramatically (through snot bubbles) "And.You.Never.Buy.Stamps!!!"
To this day that's one of our phrases that's worked our way into our couple vocabulary.
ours is "continuing problem". He was trying to put together his lunch one day and I had just got done cooking something plus shopping and there was no counter space. Of course he was in a hurry because he always waits till the last minute to rush out the door and he got all pissed. "THERE IS NEVER ANY SPACE FOR MY SHIT!!! This is a continuing problem here!"
So now....everything has become a continuing problem, lol.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
Mh and I have debates/arguments/discussions about philosophical things and politics all the time. .. and it can get ugly now and then but for the most part I love it. I love debating. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer until I found out that very little of day to day lawyering is debating interesting stuff.
We've gotten better at not getting personal with that stuff over the years. My mom actually commented on it the last time we were visiting.
Mh and I have debates/arguments/discussions about philosophical things and politics all the time. .. and it can get ugly now and then but for the most part I love it. I love debating. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer until I found out that very little of day to day lawyering is debating interesting stuff.
We've gotten better at not getting personal with that stuff over the years. My mom actually commented on it the last time we were visiting.
This is me. Which is why I love the direction I'm going in..I love the research and the discussion with the lawyers about the merits of stuff. The rest of it? No thanks.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
Mh and I have debates/arguments/discussions about philosophical things and politics all the time. .. and it can get ugly now and then but for the most part I love it. I love debating. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer until I found out that very little of day to day lawyering is debating interesting stuff.
We've gotten better at not getting personal with that stuff over the years. My mom actually commented on it the last time we were visiting.
H and I both love to argue and it's why we are lawyers. Lol. And H adores being a lawyer bc he gets to argue all the time, but he's in litigation.
Mh and I have debates/arguments/discussions about philosophical things and politics all the time.
Some of our biggest arguments have had nothing to do with us personally and are pure philosophy/politics/random news stories. For a few years I had to simply shut him down when he'd start up because he can be pretty passionate. He has since learned to stay calm and not to be assy with me.
Oh man. DH and I have had some awful fights over the years. We're both bull-headed and opinionated and stubborn, so when we clash, its bad.
My craziest moment was when we were engaged. I was having a rough time with everything (family, friends, job hunting, wedding planning, planning a move into a new place) when he decided he was going to spend 2k and go volunteer in Haiti after the earthquake because he was feeling "called" to do it. I asked if he could go do it AFTER the wedding when I wasn't about to have a breakdown and he went anyway. When he told me he was going I lost it. I threw pillows at him, screamed, I was in an all-out rage. I also threw my engagement ring at him and kicked him out of my apartment.
Our current fights are a bit different. I haven't raged in awhile, but I push DH's buttons like nobody else anyway. When we get into it he lashes out at me--he'll fight dirty and say whatever mean things come to mind. I usually then jump into lecturing him about "is that how you're going to talk to the woman you supposedly love? You're always talking about Jesus--think Jesus would be cheering you on right now? Wow, feel like a man talking to me that way?"
We always make up, and he doesn't mean anything, but we're working on fighting better.
I'd say the worst lately was back in the spring. I had fallen off the wagon with cleaning one week because a few things came up for both of us, and then I got super sick. I mean really sick--my body hurt, I had a fever, I felt like I was dying and was crying in bed by myself. I just wanted someone to be there to take care of me. DH (ironically since he's a med student) isn't the more caring when I'm sick. He refused to buy me juice because "it would just dehydrate" me and demanded I drink water. Then he got mad that I wasn't eating (super sore throat to boot) and tried to force me to eat chicken salad on rye bread. Gag. He eventually made me soup, but I was half delusional and still crying in pain. He was super stressed about school and his rotation, angry that the house was a mess and couldn't deal with me. He kept trying to do things for me, but he wasn't taking care of me the way I wanted him to, so he was getting angry with me when I kept complaining. I wanted him to you know, ask if I was okay, fluff my pillow, maybe get me a pack to put on my head, get me ice cream...perhaps I'm a bit high maintenance. I wanted him to make me feel better, but he was all business and annoying me with the whole "EAT THE DAMN CHICKEN SALAD" thing he had going on. He was all pissed off when I asked him to drive me to the doctor (it literally hurt my body to move so I wasn't going to take the train). I was sipping a protein shake in the car when he hit a bump and I spilled it on myself (NOT on his stupid precious car). He completely lost it and unleased on me, threatening to kick me out of the car. I just cried and cried (usually I would have raged back but I was too sick). He later apologized and made it up to me.
Our biggest fights happen when he thinks I'm trying to manipulate or take advantage of him, not hold up my end of whatever, or if he feels like I'm not listening to him.
On my end I've been picking at him a lot lately because I'm grumpy/moody and I sometimes find him to be really annoying. He is surprisingly tolerant of it and just lectures me on not "eating enough" and my blood sugar being off.
Oh man. DH and I have had some awful fights over the years. We're both bull-headed and opinionated and stubborn, so when we clash, its bad.
My craziest moment was when we were engaged. I was having a rough time with everything (family, friends, job hunting, wedding planning, planning a move into a new place) when he decided he was going to spend 2k and go volunteer in Haiti after the earthquake because he was feeling "called" to do it. I asked if he could go do it AFTER the wedding when I wasn't about to have a breakdown and he went anyway. When he told me he was going I lost it. I threw pillows at him, screamed, I was in an all-out rage. I also threw my engagement ring at him and kicked him out of my apartment.
Our current fights are a bit different. I haven't raged in awhile, but I push DH's buttons like nobody else anyway. When we get into it he lashes out at me--he'll fight dirty and say whatever mean things come to mind. I usually then jump into lecturing him about "is that how you're going to talk to the woman you supposedly love? You're always talking about Jesus--think Jesus would be cheering you on right now? Wow, feel like a man talking to me that way?"
We always make up, and he doesn't mean anything, but we're working on fighting better.
I'd say the worst lately was back in the spring. I had fallen off the wagon with cleaning one week because a few things came up for both of us, and then I got super sick. I mean really sick--my body hurt, I had a fever, I felt like I was dying and was crying in bed by myself. I just wanted someone to be there to take care of me. DH (ironically since he's a med student) isn't the more caring when I'm sick. He refused to buy me juice because "it would just dehydrate" me and demanded I drink water. Then he got mad that I wasn't eating (super sore throat to boot) and tried to force me to eat chicken salad on rye bread. Gag. He eventually made me soup, but I was half delusional and still crying in pain. He was super stressed about school and his rotation, angry that the house was a mess and couldn't deal with me. He kept trying to do things for me, but he wasn't taking care of me the way I wanted him to, so he was getting angry with me when I kept complaining. I wanted him to you know, ask if I was okay, fluff my pillow, maybe get me a pack to put on my head, get me ice cream...perhaps I'm a bit high maintenance. I wanted him to make me feel better, but he was all business and annoying me with the whole "EAT THE DAMN CHICKEN SALAD" thing he had going on. He was all pissed off when I asked him to drive me to the doctor (it literally hurt my body to move so I wasn't going to take the train). I was sipping a protein shake in the car when he hit a bump and I spilled it on myself (NOT on his stupid precious car). He completely lost it and unleased on me, threatening to kick me out of the car. I just cried and cried (usually I would have raged back but I was too sick). He later apologized and made it up to me.
Our biggest fights happen when he thinks I'm trying to manipulate or take advantage of him, not hold up my end of whatever, or if he feels like I'm not listening to him.
On my end I've been picking at him a lot lately because I'm grumpy/moody and I sometimes find him to be really annoying. He is surprisingly tolerant of it and just lectures me on not "eating enough" and my blood sugar being off.
This sounds more like abuse than a "fight" to me.
We did go to counseling a month later, and it was discussed it depth for sure. That's why this qualifies as the worst for me. Spring was the biggest rough patch we've gone through I think. He was studying for boards, doing 80 hr weeks in surgery, and we had a lot of previous issues we were ignoring that kept festering (as ignored things do). Counseling was one of the best things we've done together I think.
Post by pedanticwench on Oct 30, 2013 11:10:13 GMT -5
I'm so late to this, but the worst fight I had with H that I can remember right now is related to his mother (indirectly). This was several years ago.
BIL (H's brother) and SIL and their son were over hanging out and when they left, BIL made a comment about how something happened to MIL. H shushed him and gave him a nasty glare. Then BIL looked at me and said something like, "Whoops, nevermind. Forget I said that." And then he exchanged a look with his wife and then they left.
I asked H wtf was up and why was everyone keeping secret and wth was going on?
H said nothing. I proceeded to stomp and scream and spit and throw a HUUUUGE childlike fit. "WHAT IS GOING ON, H? WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW SOMETHING AND I DON'T? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MOM? WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD??!"
I mean, this fit went on for several minutes. H just stood there, which made me even more pissed.
Then, I finally pulled it out of him that his mom was approved for SSDI and that he wanted her to be the one to tell me, because she asked him to not say anything. (This was after a six month or so long wait for approval and inlaws needed the money because MIL was out of work.)
I'm still annoyed at that because I have no idea why H couldn't tell me and then let me fake surprise at finding out the news. Especially since everyone else knew but me.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
I'd say the worst lately was back in the spring. I had fallen off the wagon with cleaning one week because a few things came up for both of us, and then I got super sick. I mean really sick--my body hurt, I had a fever, I felt like I was dying and was crying in bed by myself. I just wanted someone to be there to take care of me. DH (ironically since he's a med student) isn't the more caring when I'm sick. He refused to buy me juice because "it would just dehydrate" me and demanded I drink water. Then he got mad that I wasn't eating (super sore throat to boot) and tried to force me to eat chicken salad on rye bread. Gag. He eventually made me soup, but I was half delusional and still crying in pain. He was super stressed about school and his rotation, angry that the house was a mess and couldn't deal with me. He kept trying to do things for me, but he wasn't taking care of me the way I wanted him to, so he was getting angry with me when I kept complaining. I wanted him to you know, ask if I was okay, fluff my pillow, maybe get me a pack to put on my head, get me ice cream...perhaps I'm a bit high maintenance. I wanted him to make me feel better, but he was all business and annoying me with the whole "EAT THE DAMN CHICKEN SALAD" thing he had going on. He was all pissed off when I asked him to drive me to the doctor (it literally hurt my body to move so I wasn't going to take the train). I was sipping a protein shake in the car when he hit a bump and I spilled it on myself (NOT on his stupid precious car). He completely lost it and unleased on me, threatening to kick me out of the car. I just cried and cried (usually I would have raged back but I was too sick). He later apologized and made it up to me.
Our biggest fights happen when he thinks I'm trying to manipulate or take advantage of him, not hold up my end of whatever, or if he feels like I'm not listening to him.
On my end I've been picking at him a lot lately because I'm grumpy/moody and I sometimes find him to be really annoying. He is surprisingly tolerant of it and just lectures me on not "eating enough" and my blood sugar being off.
^o) I think you need more than counseling. What @soudesafinado said. You need help. The bolded makes it seem like he's convinced you it's your fault that he gets so mad when really, he's just an asshole.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Oct 30, 2013 11:37:30 GMT -5
there have been many .. the one that ended it all was the 'it's no big deal' that i'm doing m.e.t.h again, i'll get off of it again (he had been clean for 15+ years)but i just need your love and support to do it.
there have been many .. the one that ended it all was the 'it's no big deal' that i'm doing m.e.t.h again, i'll get off of it again (he had been clean for 15+ years)but i just need your love and support to do it.
there have been many .. the one that ended it all was the 'it's no big deal' that i'm doing m.e.t.h again, i'll get off of it again (he had been clean for 15+ years)but i just need your love and support to do it.
no that kind of drug use IS a big deal ....
Again?
Are you still married?
he chucked 15+ years of soberiety (he had been clean for 4 years when we met and we had been together for 12 years) and we're separated now.
Post by simplyinpenguin on Oct 30, 2013 12:39:26 GMT -5
In the first year of marriage, we had this burly fight. I had spent the day cleaning our apartment top to bottom and it looked good. H comes home and, within 15 minutes, had strewn his clothing on the living room floor, blew up spaghetti sauce in the microwave I had just cleaned, bread crumbs on the sink and floor and he spilled juice on the dining room floor and just walked away from it. I was so angry that I couldn't say anything. I calmly picked up my purse and keys and walked to the front door. He's all like "where do you think you're going?" I told him that I couldn't talk to him right now, that I had to get some air and I'll be back.
Come back an hour later and he'd locked me out of the house. He ignored me as I'm knocking on the door and ringing the bell. Finally I shoved the door as hard as I could (the door chain was in the way) and said that if he wanted a scene and to pay for a brand new front door, he'd let me in RIGHT. NOW. He let me in and we had a knockout fight that him bringing up everything I did in the past that aggrieved him. I told him "oh you want to play that game?" and listed everything HE did and I stopped and said "notice how my list is much much longer than yours? Quit being a martyr."
To this day, I don't clean the apartment. There's no point. He just destroys it, but heaven forbid he cleans the stove for once and I drip grease on it. We don't fight either....but then again we don't act like a married couple either.
he chucked 15+ years of soberiety (he had been clean for 4 years when we met and we had been together for 12 years) and we're separated now.
you dont hae to answer but did he have some trama that caused him to fall off the wagon?
it was a combo of things - he had to give up the business he had developed from the ground up about 18 months ago due to a back injury and had only worked sporadically since compounded by the fact that he had problems with not being able to provide for his family due to not being able to work even if he wanted to.
I once threw a laundry basket at DH. it was my worst moment ever. In hindsight it makes me seriously cringe, because i'm pretty sure I wouldn't have tolerated that if roles were reversed. I have never, ever done anything like that again.
Our fights are usually over who is doing more work around the house (me) or doing more of the baby work (me).
Well I will add a new one. Currently in the worst fight we have ever had. Very long story short DH has been inappropriate with our nanny on and off for a year. Now he claims he's seeking attention from her because he's not "getting something from me". I am so done. I have supported his ass in every way for 10 years. He is the broken one, not me. We have counseling on Monday and we are going to have it OUT.
Well I will add a new one. Currently in the worst fight we have ever had. Very long story short DH has been inappropriate with our nanny on and off for a year. Now he claims he's seeking attention from her because he's not "getting something from me". I am so done. I have supported his ass in every way for 10 years. He is the broken one, not me. We have counseling on Monday and we are going to have it OUT.
Post by irishbride2 on Dec 20, 2014 14:24:14 GMT -5
I'm terrible because I NEED him to admit defeat. I struggle to let things go until he admits I'm right and he's wrong, even it its minor. My natural instinct is to just keep debating to prove I'm right. So I have lots of examples of times I've turned something minor into something bigger because I NEED to be right.