Post by explorer2001 on Feb 26, 2014 23:55:45 GMT -5
A few more... Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
If you can't make up your mind between two options - flip a coin. It's not the coin flip that tells you anything but what you hope for while it is in the air or if you are disappointed when it lands.
On a related note, don't create false dichotomies. Win-Lose isn't the only option. Usually there is third option that you haven't thought about that can make something Win-Win or just take something creatively in another direction entirely.
My mom was always shushing me as a kid and telling me not to talk so loud or raise my voice (especially in public), and my dad would oftentimes roll his eyes or make a "hurry up" motion with his hands if I was telling a story that dragged on too long. Or they'd just plain tell me to be quiet because people didn't necessarily want to hear what I have to say.
On the one hand, it was really humiliating at times, and it led to a lot of self-esteem issues for me (and they wondered why I had a hard time standing up for myself!!!), and they definitely could've approached it in a different way.
But on the other hand, as I'm sitting here at work listening to people talking really loudly and pretentiously and I'm just getting super-annoyed, I can see their overall point. It's a lesson I want to teach to my own kids someday, but with a lot more respect and far less non-constructive criticism ... something along the lines of, "Sometimes, if you don't have anything worthwhile to say, it's O.K. to be quiet." Or, "If what you have to say isn't worthwhile, then being loud or drawing attention to yourself isn't going to make it so. People will respect you for what you say, not necessarily how you say it or how much you say."
This was from an older researcher in the lab where I got my PhD. In my last two years of graduate school, my research advisor made the wise decision of putting me on a project with this guy. He is not only a super-experienced chemist, but a really wise and kind man. I don't know that I would have finished my PhD if not for his influence.
ETA: Other people care about what you're doing a whole lot less than you think they do.
This one from a young assistant professor who taught me organic chemistry. I loved that man and still correspond with him occasionally (he's now tenured and department chair). I hope that one day students are citing things I say as turning points in their maturity.
Treat others with kindness and respect - even if you feel they don't deserve it. Always spend less than you make, always save something from every paycheck and pay off your credit cards monthly How you spend your money tells people what is important to you. Do what is right, even when it is hard. Feelings pass - When unsure about a choice - use the pro/con list Do the hard stuff first. Set goals, make a plan and then Do it! Don't expect others to give you what you want, make your way easy or provide for you. You have everything you need already Remember life is not all about you You have a responsibility to others
Post by chickadee77 on Feb 27, 2014 10:21:22 GMT -5
Rarely does anyone think about you (or what you did/said) as much as you think they do.
Don't be afraid of taking action if it is warranted. Even if the action doesn't achieve the desired outcome, you at least know what NOT to try in the future.
Know who is on your team. You may disagree with your husband/boss/coworker/family, but if you share the same goal, you are on the same team and need to figure out how to either work together or quit the game.
Compromise is a powerful thing. Being able to sugarcoat getting your own way rather than steamroll it is even better.
Everything always seems better in the morning. Keep a notepad by your bed, and those fears and tasks that seemed so, so important at 2am may well become laughable.
My mom was always shushing me as a kid and telling me not to talk so loud or raise my voice (especially in public), and my dad would oftentimes roll his eyes or make a "hurry up" motion with his hands if I was telling a story that dragged on too long. Or they'd just plain tell me to be quiet because people didn't necessarily want to hear what I have to say.
On the one hand, it was really humiliating at times, and it led to a lot of self-esteem issues for me (and they wondered why I had a hard time standing up for myself!!!), and they definitely could've approached it in a different way.
But on the other hand, as I'm sitting here at work listening to people talking really loudly and pretentiously and I'm just getting super-annoyed, I can see their overall point. It's a lesson I want to teach to my own kids someday, but with a lot more respect and far less non-constructive criticism ... something along the lines of, "Sometimes, if you don't have anything worthwhile to say, it's O.K. to be quiet." Or, "If what you have to say isn't worthwhile, then being loud or drawing attention to yourself isn't going to make it so. People will respect you for what you say, not necessarily how you say it or how much you say."
my mom always asked me if i had listened as much as i had talked.
it was her polite way of telling me i was talking too much :-)
Post by onomatopoeia on Feb 27, 2014 10:49:38 GMT -5
These are all really good.
My dad also promoted the "never pass up a chance to pee" advice, lol. He also told me that everyone has a story. It's pretty basic advice, but reminds me that everyone has their own struggles and dreams and perspectives. Sometimes the way people act around you has nothing to do with you and more to with their own personal issues.
Be grateful Take care of one another Prioritize the right things One thing at a time Saying Please and Thank You and I'm Sorry will get you far. Look people in the eye
Obviously each situation is different, but research also shows the younger you are when you get married, the more likely you are to divorce. I believe that your likelihood of divorcing drops dramatically if you are over 25 when you get married for the first time; it drops even more if you are over 30.
The situation obviously depends a lot on the individual, but I don't disagree with the underlying point daisypaloma made. I know I changed a lot in my 20s and it took me a while to find the right person.
I think the reason people point to 30 as an age now (as I have heard many people echo these sentiments) is mainly because we as a society are much more focused on our individual wants and needs and professional growth than they were in previous generations, and that means many people grow and develop and change a lot in the decade or so following graduation from high school.
All that being said, marriage can certainly work for two people at any age and stage of their life if they are the right match.
that 50% drop is when you compared marriages at 25 compared to 18.
When educational background (college or above) is factored in, those who married between 15-22 years of age had a 70% chance of being married 10 years later, those in the 23-28 group had a 79% chance, and those married in the 29-34 age group had an 80% chance of being married ten years later.
I think that for most people, your 20's are a period of great change and it's hard to change that much with another person (in the same direction). I know I am essentially the same kind of person I was 10 years ago but my priorities and what's important to me in a partner are very differently defined. That's not to say that if I found the right person 10 years ago we couldn't have gotten to this point together, though. I think I just didn't know as well how to identify the WRONG partner.
My parents got married at 18 and are now 55 and still very happy. I think they are an exception to the rule, but also proof that exceptions can work out well.
I have no doubt you, tacom, and your FI are also going to be an exception. You are far more mature and have been through far more together at this point than your average person your age (how old are you now? 23 or 24? Time flies and I've lost track, lol). While it may be generally good advice to not marry before you're older, it doesn't mean it's the right advice for everyone.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Feb 27, 2014 11:45:39 GMT -5
Think win-win. I like the analogy being roped in and climbing a mountain together, rather than analogies of a ball game ("ball's in their court"). I find it applies in many circumstances: work, marriage, etc.