The other night I slept on a twin bed in the guest room of the house I share with my husband and our two kids. We have a comfortable, firm king-size bed in our master bedroom, but my husband was sick and gross, so rather than hop in the sack with him, I decided to quietly slip down the hallway and sleep alone.
It was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years.
For once, I was able to sleep in my preferred position—on my stomach in a big X, socked foot hanging off the bed to the right, sockless foot hanging off the bed to the left. There was no tug of war over the covers, no pokes in the back to alert me to my snoring, no waking up to a wiggly kid (or two) in bed with us. In fact, no waking up at all. It was, pardon the pun, a dream.
Having slept so great solo made me wonder, why don’t we all sleep alone?
I tossed this question to the hive mind at Slate and was surprised that many had similar feelings.
“Yes! I think about this all the time.”
“Bring back separate beds!”
“I recall liking [sharing a bed] at one point … but now … after like 9 years all I think is, ‘Stop breathing on me!’”
“Humans are surprisingly hot. Sharing a bed with a person is like sleeping with a radiator. When I have a girlfriend, there’s a ‘cuddling time’ after which we move as far away from each other as possible to actually sleep. But I’m romantic that way.”
Exactly. Sharing a bed is good for sleeping together, but not actually sleeping together. We all know the importance of sleep, so why then do we still choose to share our beds with the kickers, the snorers, and the human furnaces that we love?
“Man since time immemorial has made preparation for sleep, either laying an animal pelt on the ground or using plant matter as some sort of mattress,” according to sleep expert Dr. Neil Stanley. “Originally we all slept together on the ground, mainly because we had nowhere else, but also for warmth and security.”
Warmth and security? We have flannel pajamas and deadbolts now.
There have been times throughout the history of slumber that couples did not share a bed. Ancient Romans retreated to their separate quarters in the evening. On The Dick Van Dyke Show, Laura and Rob Petrie turned in to their separate beds, and I bet they slept great.
The only thing I’d change about this setup would be to shove the beds closer together and have two nightstands on either end. Having your own bed is a luxury. Having your own bed and nightstand? Yes, please.
Our first married bed was a queen. It sagged terribly in the middle and made us roll together. We’d wake up spooning—forced that way by the bed—and sweaty. Our second bed, also a queen, developed a rather large hump in the middle from all the edge hugging we did during the night. Ten years into our marriage, we finally have a king. There is more than enough room for our whole family to sleep comfortably, yet that twin the other night—it was amazing.
So what’s holding me back from selling our king mattress and ordering two twins? Society! Mention separate beds today and most people assume marital troubles.
“In our culture, sharing a bed is a sign of intimacy, and it could also be a barometer of the health of the relationship,” sleep expert Dr. Anne D. Bartolucci told me when I called her for backup. “Falling asleep in the company of another person puts you in a very vulnerable position, and it shows a certain amount of trust. There’s a reason that ‘sleeping with’ someone is one of our expressions for sex. Also, it’s a bonding experience, and it’s been shown that couples who share a bed communicate better and experience other benefits like increased levels of oxytocin, which can reduce inflammation.”
I don’t suffer from inflammation. I do suffer from bad sleep. And chronic bad sleep, according to Bartolucci, has been shown to increase the likelihood of stroke and heart attacks. It makes people more susceptible to developing not only health problems like diabetes and high blood pressure but also conditions like obesity that increase the risk of major health issues. It also contributes to or exacerbates psychiatric problems like anxiety, depression, and attention deficient hyperactivity disorder. Why must we risk these things just to prove to ourselves that we are happy couples? Separate beds means better sleep, which in turn can produce healthier spouses and a happier marriage. I rest my case.
Though when I gingerly mentioned this theory to my husband and he agreed with me, I did feel a tiny bit hurt.
My husband went on a week long trip for work. It was the most glorious week of sleep ever. his snoring is awful and wakes me up multiple times a night.
DH and I sleep apart at least 2-3 times a week so each of us can get a decent night's sleep. He snores like a freight train. I would much rather be able to sleep and function the next day than share a bed because it's what you're "supposed" to do. It doesn't decrease the amount of intimate time between us, rather it saves our marriage.
Post by thatgirl2478 on Apr 17, 2014 12:24:34 GMT -5
I wouldn't mind separate beds ... but only if they were also in separate rooms or if there was some sort of sound proof curtain/temporary wall I could erect between us to block his snoring/my throat clearing.
We've been sleeping apart since DH's diagnosis. He still doesn't sleep great but it's better than before since he has trouble getting comfortable but didn't want to move too much and disturb me.
It's been 4 months and it's really lonely.
We each have our own set of covers like pixy0stix, which helps a ton IMO
It would make me sad, but I'm not gonna lie, it's starting to become necessary. H snores like a freight train and I don't get good sleep as it is. Like amelia said, though, I'm pretty sure I'd be lonely.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
I love it when H falls asleep downstairs, I sleep so much better. I also hate having anyone breath on me. I always sleep facing away from him. H is the worst snorer (volume) that I've ever heard.
We have a queen sized bed. To keep from losing blankets or having a tug of war, our blankets are king sized. Sheets are queen sized, but the blanket and bedspread (quilted) are king size.
My husband and I slept in separate rooms for most of our marriage. It didn't turn out well for us.
With that said, I still don't think there is anything wrong with it. I like sleeping alone. It really doesn't have anything to do with how I feel about my partner. I thought my husband felt the same way. I think as long as communication is open, it can work.
I love sharing a bed with DH. I need to spoon to go to sleep and we both sleep better when we're all up on each other. Now I'm not going to lie and say I don't enjoy star fishing the hell out of our queen bed when DH gets up earlier than I do, but overall I love sleeping close to each other.
I also co-slept with my mom until middleschool and would always bed share with friends during sleepovers. I think I may be conditioned to have another body in bed with me.
My whole life, my maternal grandparents had separate rooms. I always figured it was because my grandmother got used to having her own space while my grandfather was in the navy.
I only sleep in a separate bed if one of us is gross-sick, as was the situation at the beginning of the article.
I don't like touching my DH while sleeping, though. I get really warm and sweaty at night so I certainly don't need anyone else adding to that heat. Our current home, that we're renting, came with a king sized bed. Now that we're used to that, I can never go back to queen.
As DH has a job that sometimes results in a phone call in the middle of the night, there are nights he chooses to sleep on the boat - like last night. I'm not sad about this....
But - aside from that, I like being in the same bed. We "sleep well" together, I guess you could say.
I love sharing a bed with DH. I need to spoon to go to sleep and we both sleep better when we're all up on each other. Now I'm not going to lie and say I don't enjoy star fishing the hell out of our queen bed when DH gets up earlier than I do, but overall I love sleeping close to each other.
I also co-slept with my mom until middleschool and would always bed share with friends during sleepovers. I think I may be conditioned to have another body in bed with me.
Lol, my BFF was like this growing up. She would like to be close, too. It's cute when I think back on it. But, I was an only child and may parents never let me sleep with them, so I really prefer sleeping alone. Well, I do like to snuggle with my cat or dogs.
I love sharing a bed with DH. I need to spoon to go to sleep and we both sleep better when we're all up on each other. Now I'm not going to lie and say I don't enjoy star fishing the hell out of our queen bed when DH gets up earlier than I do, but overall I love sleeping close to each other.
I also co-slept with my mom until middleschool and would always bed share with friends during sleepovers. I think I may be conditioned to have another body in bed with me.
Lol, my BFF was like this growing up. She would like to be close, too. It's cute when I think back on it. But, I was an only child and may parents never let me sleep with them, so I really prefer sleeping alone. Well, I do like to snuggle with my cat or dogs.
You would hate me. Even in college, I would try to bed share with my friends when we would go visit their families. I didn't realize people didn't like it until those trips.
I love it when H falls asleep downstairs, I sleep so much better. I also hate having anyone breath on me. I always sleep facing away from him. H is the worst snorer (volume) that I've ever heard.
We have a queen sized bed. To keep from losing blankets or having a tug of war, our blankets are king sized. Sheets are queen sized, but the blanket and bedspread (quilted) are king size.
I LOLed. I don't like anyone breathing on me either. I need space.
My husband is visiting his brother over spring break and I can't decide If I'm more excited about getting the bed to myself or not having him mess up my clean house.
Post by lizard1131 on Apr 17, 2014 13:38:31 GMT -5
I preach this up and down and all over!!!! DH and I haven't slept in the same bed in 8 years. It is glorious. I sleep all night no waking up cold b/c of stolen blankets or trying to sleep while he watches TV.
Oh, and as for the lonely part, I still have my great dane sleep in the king sized bed with me. He doesn't snore or move around like DH does It's become so common place in our house (started when DH would work random nights or would stay up very late on the weekends) that DD was all kinds of confused when my nieces stayed over last weekend and one stayed in "daddy's room" aka the guest room. She thought DH was going to sleep with our niece.
Post by meshaliuknits on Apr 17, 2014 13:46:34 GMT -5
I sleep terribly by myself. The last business trip I went on by myself I brought my stuffed cat (SHUT UP) and still had the WORST sleep ever. I need the cats or H to sleep well. One of the kids will do, but they are less ideal.
We sleep in a king bed, each with our own set of covers to avoid the tug of war. Neither of us sleep very well when we sleep in separate beds.
Minus the king bed, this is us. When I fall asleep I steal all of the covers and wrap up in them like a human burrito. H has learned to keep a spare blanket for when this happens.
I have slept terribly for the last 8 months. H also says that he doesn't sleep well without me.
We have a king, which is practically like separate beds. There's so much space between us! It's much different than having a queen.
My husband, though, would never let this fly. He always chooses sleeping in the same bed, even if our options are to have separate twin beds or one full sized bed. Separate twins = more space, but he wants one bed. He also likes to go to bed at the same time I do, if at all possible. Like, I'll be reading, so he'll get in bed and read/play on his phone or kindle, and then when I'm done reading and turn off the light HE will also turn off the light.
I love sharing a bed with DH. I need to spoon to go to sleep and we both sleep better when we're all up on each other. Now I'm not going to lie and say I don't enjoy star fishing the hell out of our queen bed when DH gets up earlier than I do, but overall I love sleeping close to each other.
I also co-slept with my mom until middleschool and would always bed share with friends during sleepovers. I think I may be conditioned to have another body in bed with me.
Lol, my BFF was like this growing up. She would like to be close, too. It's cute when I think back on it. But, I was an only child and may parents never let me sleep with them, so I really prefer sleeping alone. Well, I do like to snuggle with my cat or dogs.
Not only did I never bed share with my parents, but I had a full size bed at the age of 4 (the bed is a family heirloom, but too small for my parents, so I got it). I was quite used to stretching out. The twin bed at college really sucked.
Post by cattledogkisses on Apr 17, 2014 14:07:13 GMT -5
H and I shared a twin bed for the first 2.5 years of our relationship. I have no idea how we did that now. We do only have a full bed now though. We downsized from a queen because it felt too big.